Bonnie had been with her guy ever since college.
But they’d been long-distance ever since he moved to get his master’s degree.
It was only two years. She knew they could handle it.
Lately, though, she’d become suspicious.
She couldn’t put a finger on it, but something had changed.
Maybe it was that he wasn’t texting her as much.
Maybe it was the way they never talked about anything important anymore.
Or maybe it was the way he didn’t meet her eyes when they FaceTimed.
She thought he was cheating on her, but how would she know?
He was 3000 miles away.
The Pain of Not Knowing
For many women, the pain of not knowing whether their guy is cheating is worse than the pain of finding out he’d cheated.
Once they know the truth, they can do something about it.
They don’t have to sit on their hands, wondering but afraid of saying anything.
Being in a state of suspicion is hard on you and hard on the relationship.
You don’t trust him, not entirely. (If you did trust him, you wouldn’t have these suspicions.)
That lack of trust undermines the relationship.
You start to second-guess everything he tells you. You feel anxious and obsessed with finding out the truth. The love you feel for him is dampened by fear.
What if everything is a lie?
What if he’s playing you?
What if he’s telling some other woman the same beautiful words he’s saying to you?
If you tell your friends about your worries, they’ll suggest that you:
- Play detective and gather evidence until you find a smoking gun, or
- Confront him with your suspicions.
But there’s a third option most people never consider…
Get Clear on Your Promises to Each Other
It used to be that, when you got into a relationship, you could assume both of you wanted the same thing.
Being in a relationship meant being exclusive, spending time together, and talking every day.
But the world has changed so much that those assumptions may no longer apply.
Today, you can’t assume you’re exclusive unless you’ve talked about it.
Agreeing to be exclusive isn’t enough. You also have to define what that means to both of you.
If you met on a dating app, does it mean you are both going to delete your accounts?
Does it mean you’re going to tell everyone you’re taken and change your social media status to “in a relationship”?
What if one or both of you are still friends with an ex? Are you going to stop hanging out?
How are you going to handle situations where someone from your past wants to get in touch?
These are tricky topics. They’re not easy to discuss at the best of times.
That’s why it’s important to talk early in the relationship, when you’re both feeling enthusiastic about each other and positive about the future.
When you’re talking about what it means to be exclusive, ask yourselves what you’ll do if/when someone attractive comes onto the scene.
What if he gets an attractive new co-worker? What if you do?
How will you handle temptation? How will you handle jealousy?
How will you handle those inevitable times when you think the grass is greener elsewhere?
His answers will tell you a lot about how prepared he is for a monogamous relationship and whether he’s willing to make sacrifices.
Clarity is Protection
This conversation is one of the best ways to cheat-proof your relationship.
You know where each other stands.
You’ve given each other your word.
Now, if one of those situations comes up, you expect each other to behave in the way you discussed.
Most men really do want to see themselves as men of their word. They don’t want to break a promise they’ve made to you.
But if you’ve never discussed being exclusive…
Or you’ve never discussed how you’ll handle your physical needs when you’re apart…
Then some men might rationalize their behavior by telling themselves they’re not really breaking a promise (even though they are).
If You Haven’t Had That Conversation, Have It Now
The best time to have this conversation is when you first get together.
The second best time is today.
If you need a lead-in, watch a movie that features a cheating couple. Talk about the characters afterwards and what the two of you would do if you were in their shoes.
You could also listen to a song about cheating (or an entire album, in the case of Beyoncé’s “Lemonade”) and use the lyrics as a springboard.
Talk about how you’d feel if you found out that each other was cheating.
Talk about how difficult it would be to meet someone incredible and have to turn them away because you’re already committed to each other. The more honest and vulnerable you can be with each other about this incredibly difficult topic, the more prepared you’ll be for choosing each other over temptation.
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