Men get preoccupied. Don’t confuse that with a loss of passion for the relationship he shares with you.
Has this ever happened to you?
You meet someone attractive and engaging. The spark of interest leads quickly to romantic attraction and mutual desire.
There is a special connection the just feels right. It’s like you’re on the same wavelength. Then, he begins to withdraw.
He seems to be pulling away. He’s preoccupied and seems to have no desire to share his inner thoughts with you the way he did before.
During conversation, his responses reflect less attention to what you are saying. At the worst moments it can even seem as if you are alone while in his presence.
Why does this happen? Why do men so often seem to pull away after initially demonstrating the ability to connect with you in a genuine way?
This happens because men are wired differently when it comes to motivation. He is genetically designed to narrowly focus his attention on the most important “mission” at hand.
That doesn’t mean he stopped loving you. It means some other “mission” has temporarily distracted him. But here’s where things get messy.
Because he seems to be pulling away, your instincts tell you something is wrong. This naturally causes you to feel a bit insecure. It also brings up negative emotions that could lead you to be short with him and possibly even passive-aggressive.
Your emotional state is reflecting the underlying question, “Why are you doing this to me?”
Meanwhile, his emotional state carries this command: “Reduce distractions and focus on taking care of the problem that has come up.” And the key here is this. The “problem that has come up” most likely has nothing to do with you.
Both genetics and environment have reinforced a tendency for men to be mission-minded. When a man’s mission is going well, he feels playful energy. During these times he will be emotionally engaged and genuinely interested in even the small details of your life.
The problem comes when he faces unusual difficulties that threaten the progress of one of his “missions” in life.
Unlike women, men are less likely to consider a relationship as a mission. Relationships are the fun things you do when you’re not working on your mission.
So when storms arise at work, in his business, or in other goals he is pursuing, he will become very distracted. You may even get the feeling he is only spending time with you because he feels obligated to.
You may be a top priority in his life, but it won’t feel that way when he gets preoccupied with one of his missions. This is a common root cause of painful experiences for women who invest their lives in men.
So what can you do about this?
You could hate men and choose to exclude them from your life. You could treat them like children and make fun of their inferior relationship skills. Or you could use this new insight to adapt in a way that gets you what you really want.
Here’s how to succeed in the long run. It’s a secret few women know, and the benefits are powerful and immediate. It’s how you can become His Secret Obsession
This will only serve to increase his certainty that the relationship will have to be set aside for now as he focuses on fixing the things that have gone wrong in one of his primary missions.
Here it is in a nutshell. When he begins to become distant, don’t show anger, frustration, or passive aggressive attempts to make him feel the same pain he’s creating in you.
Instead, get him talking about the emotional impact of the difficulties he is facing.
Men don’t do this as easily and naturally as women. As a result, he may experience a profound sense of relief at being able to talk about what is going on and how it makes him feel.
Your gentle questions and patience will provide a form of “scaffolding” to allow him to reach a level of emotional expression that is just a tad higher than his current skill level for talking about feelings.
Don’t offer to fix anything. That is an emasculating behavior that may cause him to react to you in anger as if you just told him he is incompetent. Just ask him what he needs to focus on right now.
When he starts talking about the circumstances rather than the feelings, just wait till he’s done and then ask why those circumstances are important to him.
Using the word “important,” conveys respect for the mission he’s on, which will cause him to see you as an ally rather than a tempting distraction he must avoid. Help him express his feelings and sort out the conflicts he may be experiencing internally.
Next, give him space to work this out.
He will return to you with full engagement and even greater commitment and interest if you give him time and continue to be emotionally supportive.
Meanwhile, women who don’t understand this secret of the male mind will be pushing their man away with increasing displays of negative emotion. He will have very little tolerance for negative emotion when he feels his focus needs to be elsewhere.
Many otherwise wonderful relationships have ended this way. Don’t let it happen to you.
Instead, be the woman who amazes him. Get inside his head and become irreplaceable as the one person in his life who seems to support him and understand him when he needs it most.
I am a mother of two lovely kids, & now married for 10years. I didn’t expect that before we celebrated our 10yr anniversary that problems come our way. Very difficult, that for 10 years we haven’t experience a third party in our relationship. When my husband flirt in text no meet up, I just leave him & support him. Until he met a girl, its his passenger as he worked in a shuttle. They communicate through phone & meet sometimes. Until they share & talk about their lives. I know all of this, he don’t keep secrets from me. Until i try to stop him from messaging that girl, because the girl has husband and 1child. I’m afraid that the girl will fall for him, cause I know his not difficult to love. My instinct doesn’t stop me from telling that they have something, until two weeks after I found out that by the message of a girl, telling about something that happen to them. My husband cries and had no choice but to tell me the truth. I decide not to leave him, but let him end the relationship he has with the Girl. The girl didn’t stop, cause she already love my husband and that she cant control her feelings, & felt sorry messaging me for loving my husband. It was so painful. I tried to accept. Until now even my husband is not working as shuttle service in their company they still communicate, and meet sometimes. My husband didn’t want to stop her from communicating. As he is telling me that he is just waiting for the girl to get tired or wants to end up their relationship, because he doesn’t want to hurt the girl. I just don’t know also if the girl will really stop my husband. I hope and pray that someday she will realize and my husband realize my worth.
You’re husband is having an affair with a married woman. Does her husband know that she’s cheating on him? You better start stashing money away for a lawyer because this smells really bad. He doesn’t love you first of all. If he did, he would stop hurting you. If he really loved you, he wouldn’t be talking with this woman at all. The girl didn’t stop is an empty statement because he didn’t stop either. Why should he? You will put up with it, and it will never end. Once a cheater, always a cheater. You better run before he gives you STD’s. He’s probably only sticking around for the kids so he doesn’t have to pay child support. luckily you’ve made it to the 10 year mark. Because of his infidelity to you, you would be granted spousal support. Don’t let money keep you there. You need to realize your own worth and walk away with some dignity. You’re kids learn relationships from the parents. You are showing you’re children how to be walked all over and take it, rather than stand up for yourself and your children and leave the bastard. Do you want you’re children to stay with cheaters? Abusers? Cheating is mental abuse, it makes you feel like you aren’t good enough. Throw this monster to the curb!!!
My boyfriend (bff, lover, confidant, best man I ever had) and I have been in a happy, committed relationship for just over 2 yrs now. We just had a little girl (Arlen, she’s 7months rn). For the past several months the “bickering” has gotten worse due to your’s truly I’m sure. A lot of variables in the situation such as we have always worked, lived, slept, eaten together and (TMI) sometimes even poop with the door open talking to the other. Now when we do have “intense fellowship,” 5 minutes later, all is great again. We typically apologize and move on. Now the apologies are less often. It’s just lately I’ve noticed things just aren’t the same at all. He has totally switched lanes and in denial about it all. I’m not talking about the honey moon is over now, it’s real type stuff. We’ve been past that. Since the baby being born I’ve stayed at home A LOT. Now he has more space which is good but now all the concerns I had are worsening and becoming more frequent and way more obvious. He has quit doing all the things he used to. Not just that but he doesn’t even do the shit I ask him to do. His words are cruel and insensitive when we do argue. It’s almost like there’s no way he could still love me and talk to me like that. I need help. He swears I’m crazy and he loves me just the same. I know people. I’m not just tripping. It may not be what I think is going on but my gut hurts with agony trying to figure out what to do bc SOMETHING isn’t right. HELP PLEASE
I just delivered my baby. He is 2 months now. I had postpartum bad and needed antidepressants and I am nurse. I’ve read all about it and had a child before and never felt this way. My suggestion is it’s postpartum it makes you feel differently towards everything… it can even make a person not like the baby (not bonding) because of dislike towards the father’s treatment towards us. Pregnancy hormones take over the brain. I say this because the problem can start while you’re pregnant or just after.
Good luck and Congratulations!
Relationships are work. You were with him 2 years, with a 7 month old child. You got to know him 8 months and got pregnant, the excitement is over and he goes back to his “life as usual”, while you raise baby. Am I right? This is how it was with my first child 30 years ago. He partied and stayed out all night, while I was even late to work becve ause of it. We didn’t have cell phones back then and the stress of hunting him down almost made me give up. We were young and had jobs. He eventually got a drunk driving and I gave him an ultimatum. Us or the booze. It was hard for him to realize all of his friends revolved around partying. Remove the alcohol and no one wants anything to do with you. The main thing is, I didn’t argue with him about it, or complain and hunt him down unless i had to be to work. I even hired daycare to resolve the childcare issue before he got the dui. With that ended the need to hunt him down. It ended the need for him period also and he realized that, and quit drinking permanently. By not caring where he goes, or who he’s with, he realized that he was trusted. That I wasn’t a nag too. That’s one thing I never did was nag because being accusatory shuts men down immediatly and automatically makes them defensive and mean. Don’t accuse him of shit that isn’t real. Instead, when you talk to him about serious shit like holding up his end of the deal with the baby start with WE! We should take the child to the park together or We should change his diaper. Never order him around like your queen. You will get a much kinder and productive response by asking Hey hun, would you mind doing bla bla bla when you get a minute? Rather than take the fn garbage out, what are you blind cant you see your garbage just fell out of the overflowing bag??? Yes, thats what we want to say ain’t it? Could you Would you Can we always talk about it in a US because 3 is we right! Share everything, money, bills food