James Bauer’s Texting Tip of the Week
“What’s your favorite _______ you think I should get?”
Not only do you get to learn about him, but you also put in him the position of thinking about your wants, likes, and desires.
Plus, he’ll be thinking about ways your interests overlap with his.
Examples:
“What’s your favorite phone app that you think I should get?”
“What’s your favorite book you think I should read?”
“What’s your favorite song I should hear?”
Do you know the two little texts that can make his heart race and trigger strong feelings of attraction for you? Discover them HERE (sponsored)
It’s never too late to remake your life. I was married 47 years and have been a widow for almost three years now. I’m dating and having a great time, but I love being alone and don’t want to marry again. My life finally belongs to ME!
One of your male readers recommended 2 books, ‘ For Men only” and ” For women only.” I thought maybe& bought used copies as library did not have them. I am in the middle of For Women Only and have learned a great deal but too late now that my husband left due to bipolar issues, but I feel I am more ready to try again with someone now that I have learned more about what makes men tick. If I get involved again, I will ask my new man to read “For men only ” as it is just as insightful. Woman want to be loved more than anything else, and need to hear it constantly. True. Men want to be respected more than loved. Don’t let a man think that you know more than him about fixing things, driving directions, etc. even though you know that you do. Sex is really not just about “doing it” for men. I used to get upset when my husband wanted sex at the least convenient times. I know better now. It makes them feel respected and fully adequate as their partner. Thank you to the guy who mentioned these books even though they are a bit Christiany for me. The info is very eye opening. A young woman friend who keeps discussing her lover with me will get a copy if both as a gift from me. I sure could have used them at her age and even now.
I am in the same boat. I am going on 35 years. Married him after 3 weeks of knowing eachother. Now he Is going on x-rated sites. I acted like I did not know. But I went to see a divorce lawyer. And guess what store was next door to the lawyer? It was VICTORIA SECRET!! So I stepped in an bought some new things. And secretly I started to leave the new lingerie laying around he has never seen me in. He will see it then start to ask questions. Then I change the subject quickly to a topic I know will distract him off of what he saw. He would ask me what part of his body turned me on. I tell him. But knowing the body part I told him was his favorite part on women he talked was so sexy to show off. So I bought lingerie that highlighted those parts. Then 3 to 4 days later he started to plan more nights with me. Then would ask me to wear that one piece of lagnrie he saw. Then days later Romantic dinners Movies at home with kinky horse play. Now we act like newlyweds on our honeymoon. We can’t keep our hands off eachother. Thanks JAMES!!!
Wow, Toni… that took courage, and you created your own destiny in the best way possible. You are an inspiration.
I have been with my husband for 23 years and am at a loss for words. We have been through everything together and our youngest just turned 18. I just found out not quite a year ago about an affair, this isn’t the first time, but it was the most devastating one because it was my step sister. It happened about 3-4 yrs ago and we had already moved from the state. I’ve always found a way to forgive his behavior and been able to keep our family afloat but this one was/is gut wrenching. We fight a lot more mainly over my questioning everything he does he doesn’t feel I should be hurt and angry because it was so long ago but it’s fresh in my memory and he can’t or won’t let me process it. All I get is he’s done nothing and I’m suffocating him. The worse part is that she’s not a pretty person at all, and no I’m not just saying that. I may not be drop dead gorgeous but I’m not ugly either. So to be with her, and this might make me sound pretty but it has really torn apart my self esteem and now I can’t stop myself and keep putting myself down, I mean harshly. The scriptures say to forgive 7 × 77 or something like that and I have always managed. I just want him to notice me for me and accept my anger and hurt for what it is. He hasn’t even asked me to forgive him. So I’ve been at a loss and would love to know how to use this stuff for my situation.
You can probably imagine the outrage we all feel as we read your words. We naturally want something better for you. We naturally feel that you deserve to be treated better than this. And this causes us to want to say things like, “Leave him now and never look back! He doesn’t deserve you!”
But of course, those are words that come from people who don’t love him. Don’t have years of warm, loving memories, or children who love you both. So I’ll set aside my outrage for a moment to speak to the desire you have to heal this relationship.
You said you just want him to notice you for who you are and accept your anger and hurt for what it is. You want him to ask you for forgiveness. As soon as I read those words, I imagined what it would be like if I had a private conversation with him to explain how much better his marriage could be if he could understand those desires and fulfill them with a glad heart and a mind willing to be present with the pain he has caused you through his callous, senseless, and selfish acts of random hookups with people he has no intention of building a relationship with.
Here’s what I anticipate would happen next.
Some part of him would hear your desire, but he would not fully understand it. People who are less emotionally insightful (and this tends to be worse with men) want to fix things rather than be a witness to someone else’s pain. And it’s hard to fix something you did in the past. So a man’s mind feels frustrated, then anxious, and eventually angry, searching the environment for an outlet for that anger, eventually settling on the person who seems to continuously bring up a problem that has no solution. Little does he know, there is a solution. One so simple he has a hard time grasping it.
For this reason, skilled and experienced counselors can often help in marriage counseling. Though men often see this as just further pain and punishment that doesn’t “fix” the past but rather just rubs his nose in it. So if you are to succeed at rebuilding this marriage, I would advise you to look a few layers deeper.
Look to his true motivation. What does he desire? He desires forgiveness, peace in the marriage, restored sense of self-esteem when you look at him. Remind him of these wants. Bring these desires to his mind and then (and only then) tell him in very simple words how he can attain those desires. Don’t let there be an ounce of mind reading or passive-aggressive demand that he figure it out himself. Tell him clearly and exactly what you need and what he stands to gain if he is to rise to the challenge of making the marriage everything it could be.
Always on your side,
James
Thanks James, you are amazing. I have taken your advice and we have not fought in 9 days. This is huge and not only do I see the mn I fell in love with again but I can see him too. I’m so grateful for the small miracles you offer us every week. Hope this continues to work and we can heal together
I appreciate your response and have to ask how do I do that when he continues to play the victim? He is a good man but had a hard life growing up and dealt with very abusive parents he was the victim and seen what kind of attention he got from that so I believe he turned that around and spent his entire life in that roll and now that someone else is in that roll even though I don’t sit well with that knowledge, he can’t control his emotions so he lashes out to make himself the victim anyway. I am 15 years younger than him and I have spent my entire adulthood loving him and don’t know what to do or how to get him to stop victimizing himself for his actions.
I’ve been there and it hurts like hell. Put self care into motion and know something better is out there for you. He wasn’t the right one, that’s all.
My bf said He’s found someone else he likes better.
Devastating doesn’t begin to cover my feelings.
I am so sorry. It is hard…feel your feelings, but begin rebuilding belief in yourself. You are amazing and deserve somebody else who is equally amazing. Continue to work on yourself and take a good care of yourself. Try to look at it as a new opportunity for something better to come into your life.