As you can imagine, I’ve seen a lot of tears in my office.
Love is an emotional topic.
Some of the hardest moments happen during breakups.
My clients tell me it hurts so much they can hardly breathe.
They can’t bear it. They don’t know what to do.
Should they beg him to come back? Is the pain a sign they never should have let him go?
So many questions. So much confusion.
We often hear that “pain is the price for loving,” but that’s no consolation when your heart is breaking.
It can feel like there’s this great big ball of pain inside you, crowding out hunger, crowding out thirst, crowding out everything but the burning need to make it stop.
So that’s what most people do.
They do everything they can think of to make it stop. They distract, disassociate, deny.
They want to get away from the pain, not go towards it.
But one of the things we know is that putting words to feelings—even unmanageable, unbearable ones—can be really helpful.
In therapy-speak, this is known as affect labeling.
The act of observing what’s going on inside of us and trying to figure out how to describe it gives us a little distance.
We are no longer overwhelmed by a feeling. Rather, we have an awareness of that feeling.
It opens up some space. It gives us room to breathe.
Now, that’s easier said than done when you look inside and all you see is a burning wall of pain and grief.
So let me give you a tool that can help.
It’s a list of some of the most common emotions felt at the end of a relationship.
To use it, check off the words that describe how you’re feeling right now.
(If you’re not the one in pain but rather a friend, share it with her.)
When you can tease out the threads of that great big ball of pain, those feelings become more manageable.
Breakups Can Make Us Feel…
Abandoned – You may feel a sense of betrayal from relying on yet another person who ended up leaving you.
Adrift – You may wonder, “Who am I now?”
Angry – You may blame him for what happened and even hope he pays for the pain he caused.
Confused – You may wonder how this could have happened and whether there were signs you missed.
Despair – You may worry that you’ll never find love again.
Desperate – You may feel that the situation is intolerable and you can’t go on.
Disappointed – You may mourn the loss of all your hopes and dreams.
Grief – You may grieve all the things you gave up to make this relationship work, all the years you spent with him, or the innocence you’ll never get back.
Guilt – You may feel responsible for not being able to make it work.
Helpless – You may feel incapable of doing everything that needs to be done: extricating him from your life, keeping up a brave face at work, and rebuilding life on your own.
Hopeless – You may be unable to imagine a future without him.
Irritable – You may find yourself irritated by everything, because your normal coping strategies have been exhausted.
Lonely – You may feel a deep and profound sense of being alone in the world.
Loss – You may mourn the simple daily routines you took for granted. You may mourn the loss of your friendship group, now that his friends are no longer yours.
Shame – You may feel ashamed of what the breakup means about you. You may worry about how you’ll tell the people closest to you and what they’ll think.
Shock – You may find it impossible to wrap your head around what just happened or deny that it’s really over.
Withdrawal – You may feel like you’re in physical withdrawal. (That’s because loving relationships provide us with a supply of feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin.)
Worry – You may find yourself preoccupied by fears about how you’re going to make things work and what will happen to you.
And Yet Breakups Can Also Make Us Feel…
Relief – You don’t have to keep trying to fix the relationship or deal with his behavior.
Freedom – You can do absolutely anything you want, even things he didn’t like.
Empowerment – You no longer have to run your decisions by him. You’re in charge of your life.
Anticipation – You might notice an attractive guy or hear a friend’s dating story and feel a tingle of excitement about getting back out there.
How many of these feelings do you have?
Did any of them surprise you?
A lot goes through our hearts and minds at the end of a relationship. It’s complicated.
Just remember that processing those feelings is a better option than pushing the pain away.
In fact, one study found that this is one reason women tend to heal from breakups more fully than men.[1]
We men tend to push the pain away in the moment, compartmentalize it, and carry it for years. In contrast, women tend to feel everything more acutely in the days and weeks just after a breakup. But then you emerge with a more resilient heart.
Wishing you love, happiness, and resilience,
James
[1] https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/08/150806151406.htm
I really feel for your torment. I had a different type. Had a relationship with a long Distance love for 8 years. When we were together we were so happy it was heaven. When he went home, there was little consistency because he had little capacity for a deep relationship. But i held on because I truly loved him and the passion together was worth it.
But as he aged, he lost his passion, and seeing me longer periods at a time. Finally, I had
to give him a dilemma in early April: either we discuss how we both want to go forward
and redefine a close relationship now that we have reached our senior age of 80, or
I will stop all contact with you, delete you from my information, and go forward
without you. He became angry, very immature, called me nasty names,
and blacked me from contacting him. And that is how he chose to end our long
relationship. I had not had any contact with him since.
In a way, He did me a big favor, because had I not been blocked, I would have reached
out to him by now, and he knew it. So he forced my hand. I guess he just wanted out.
He once told me he didn’t want any responsibility to anyone but to himself. He truly did
not have the ability to really love because I don’t think he even loved himself, even though he was the most selfish and self absorbed man I ever had in my life.
He was manipulative in the way it always had to be “his way or the
Highway”, and he often gaslighted me when we talked and I brought
up things he said, which he denied; Which is why I wrote everything
down that he said, and then was able to quote it back to him, which
he did not like. Consequently, our communications was very bad
because he was very closed and refused to “share” and scuffed
many times at my opinion.
Now, I miss the companionship of the Happy Days….the lovely times.
But he was a hard man to love, and I know I could never live with
him. He needed to have Therapy many years ago!
And didn’t I let him back into my life, again.
I own my part. BUT today I’m in a different place in my head. I know in my heart I’ll never be manipulated by this guy again. Too much instability. I buy the wrong eggs, the wrong yogurt, my fridge is too small (after looking into it for the last 3 years. Nothing, I mean nothing, was good enough. Last time he took off I booked a trip south with an old high-school friend. Well, he left?! What am i supposed to do? Sit and wait for him? Not happening. I didn’t budge on this trip, and that ate him up inside
I know it. Too many comments about it. Meanwhile he took a solo cruise in March and left me 10 days after he returned from the cruise. Always my fault of course. Lol
So he wanted to come back, move from another province back to where he was. And pay me rent. Help me out with my car payment that isn’t cheap but I needed a car in the worst way.
He got the police involved this time for NO REASON whatsoever. I could not believe he actually called 911
And uttered a death threat. He is taped saying it, even though he adamantly denies it. Damage left at my home as a result of the police trying to kick in mh door thinking I’m inside possibly bleeding out or something. He left before the police arrived.
I was LIVID. He has crossed a. Very serious line with me. Never again will I give him any attention whatsoever. He claims he’s moved far away. I doubt it but hope he did.
Running from someone who loves you unconditionally you are definitely running to someone else. You don’t throw away a good thing like I had to offer him. This is definitely his loss. And I agree with the police, I am definitely better off with him not in my life.
I need to focus on the positive in my life, not let him rent space for free in my head. I am praying for him he’s a sick man.
I felt all these too. But it’s getting better
Being played is never a good feeling no matter who you are, what you did or didn’t do in the relationship. Being told I love you, along with I can’t imagine my life without you, stings when you try to sort it all out in your head while dealing with a broken heart at the same time.
It’s getting better, but it’s still fresh. He was a sick man and I pray for him and love him from a safe distance today.
I felt all of these