It’s already so hard to meet someone new.
There are so many obstacles to overcome: making that first contact, figuring out what to say, building attraction, daring to suggest seeing each other again…
It’s not fair that I’m giving you one more thing to worry about.
But there’s something that casts a longer shadow on the dating scene with each passing year.
It dominates online discussions.
It causes conflict and misunderstanding.
Left unchecked, it can lead to anger, resentment, and a poisoning of the relationship between the sexes.
What is it?
It’s the idea that you just can’t trust the opposite sex.
When Did We Learn Not to Trust One Another?
Not trusting the opposite sex isn’t new, by any means.
Your mother may have warned you not to trust boys, because “they’re only after one thing.”
Withholding trust isn’t a bad thing. It keeps you safe.
Most men know they have to earn a woman’s trust. They’re aware of the dangers women face.
But these days, there’s a subtle shift happening…
More and more men also expect women to prove themselves.
They point to the scammers and bots rife on dating apps.
Some men have had bad past experiences. Others have picked up mistrustful views from social media and online communities.
The result is a dating scene that feels less safe, less positive, and much less enjoyable.
What is feeding this mistrust, and how can we bring trust back to our relationships?
The Problem with Dating a Stranger
Trust has always been an issue in courtship.
But it wasn’t usually the courting couple’s problem—it was their parents’ problem.
For most of human history, we lived in close communities. Everyone knew everyone. It was impossible to hide a bad character.
Young men faced close scrutiny by their beloved’s parents. They might be able to fool a naive young lady, but her parents had the final say.
Just over a hundred years ago, that system changed.
Young men and women flooded into the cities to find work. Without family, living in tiny boarding houses, they mingled on the streets. Young men would invite young women to get ice cream or go to the carnival. The “date” was born.
It became a young woman’s responsibility to ensure that any young man she went with was of good character. It was a tall order, given she didn’t know anything about him other than what he told her.
Jump to the present day, and we’re still dating strangers.
This hundred-year-old challenge of deciding whether you can trust a stranger is at the heart of our modern-day dating mistrust.
It only looks like a question of whether you can trust the opposite sex.
In fact, human beings have always been wary of strangers. We’ve always needed to earn one another’s trust.
And the process of building trust can be fun and enjoyable if you do it right.
Fun Ways to Build Trust into Dating
We tend to think of dating as a process of building attraction. We forget about the trust-building part.
“Am I attracted to you?” seems like a much more important question than, “Do I trust you?”
But trust is what tips a fling into something real.
It’s one thing to hang out with someone you’re attracted to. But to spend time with someone you find attractive and trust completely? That’s relationship territory.
Trust isn’t as easy to build as attraction.
Trust takes time. It takes effort. It’s easily broken.
You don’t have to wait for him to earn your trust. You can help him show his trustworthiness by:
- Spending more time together in person than online
- Making future plans together
- Giving him opportunities to come through for you
That’s not all. There are three even more powerful trust-building strategies you should make use of:
- Get to know each other before you start dating. One study found that couples who knew each other for at least 3 months before starting to date were more likely to end up married. Why? Well, researchers speculated it was because they had a chance to become friends first.
- Learn more about each other’s life outside of dating. Get to know as much as you can about who he is outside the context of your relationship. See where he works. Have him show you his hobbies.
- Get other people involved. Spend time with the people who know your guy best. It’s a powerful vote in his favor if he’s the same person with them as he is with you.
In the past, we had help deciding whether we could trust someone.
Now, it’s up to each and every one of us to build trust from scratch with each new partner.
We can decide to see this as a positive thing, rather than proof no one can be trusted.
Look forward to building trust together. It may not be as flashy as attraction, but it’s the solid ground your future will stand on.
My experience is, I give people the benefit of the doubt. However, we don’t live in that society any longer. Since the internet, dating sites, cell phones etc. came to be, it seems most people keep on trolling when they have met someone. It has happened to me. They keep looking for that “better” person. Always chatting, exchanging numbers. And the next thing you know, you’re out, this new person is in.
I just don’t bother dating any longer. I’m passed the high-school games and I’m traditional I guess. Whether you’re married, living together, etc., it doesn’t seem to matter these days. Sadly.
Just my humble opinion on this topic. Without trust, you got nothing.
Terri–It’s amazing that even at 70 some people are STILL playing games. I know it’s difficult to break off a relationship and tell a person that you don’t think she (or he) is your match, after going out for a few months, but it boggles my mind that nearly every woman I’ve gone out with that was no longer interested in dating, took the easy way out, and just ghosted me. They didn’t have the maturity to actually have an adult conversation. I had that experience even with a friend that I met on a dating site. We agreed, from the beginning, that we would ONLY be friends. But we became (as one of my friends said) ‘joined at the hip’. We did everything together. We were perfect companions. Then, out of nowhere, after nearly a two year friendship, she disappeared. I sent her a note asking her point blank what the heck happened. Her answer: “My life has taken a different direction. Good luck.” I found out, later, that she had met someone and gotten married. Another women friend did nearly the same thing to me, and lied to me. I mean, WTF? At our age, people are playing these games?
I’ve decided that I will go to meetups, no intention of looking for someone to date. I am going solo on a cruise in Feb 2025, and will meet with other solo travelers. If I meet someone, fantastic. If not, then it will be a fun cruise.
Trust is everything in a relationship. Trust takes a long time, and that’s why I think the whole attitude of women wanting to feel that ‘connection’ on a first or second date and then ditching someone they enjoyed being with, because they didn’t feel romantic chemistry, is absolutely ridiculous.
Yes, my sentiments exactly- grow up!! Hello?? Are we not supposed to be adults by now? So mind boggling to say the least. I’m tired of a broken heart. Tired of being played but being told the opposite. Funny the last mam I was with went on a solo cruise (February/March 2024) and I don’t think he was solo at all. I think he met a woman who was already going so he jumped onboard. I had his beautiful dog here with me at home. Had his own room but that doesn’t mean anything, right. He was different towards me when he returned. 3 weeks later he was gone. Gone to where I think this woman lived. Then came back to where I am and 4 days later, gone again. Dealing with a text book narcissist so a different league all together unfortunately. I’m tired. I have alot to offer the right man. He pushed the relationship part. Said all the right things, then dropped me like a lead balloon.
All the best to everyone else out there, but dating isn’t for me.
Whenever I comment, it’s usually from the male side. I find your newsletters so insightful for guys as well!
You hit the nail on the head with the comment about becoming friends first.
I have given up on dating sites. For the guy, it’s a tremendous amount of work for little or no gain. Studies have shown that no matter how well a guy follows the rules for the introductory messages, the average response rate from women is about 10%. That means for every 100 intro/ice breaker messages guys send out, they may receive an average of 10 responses. And of those ten, only a small number turn into first dates and even less in numbers of follow-up dates.
True, plenty of people have met their soulmate on dating sites. But, I know plenty of guys who were scammed by women on dating sites and I’ve talked to numbers of women who were also either scammed or later found out the guys were married.
Becoming friends first and letting it lead into more is the way to go.
There is a problem with this, though, when you get into your mid 60’s to 70’s. From a guy’s standpoint, women don’t necessarily want a new friend. They feel time is running out. They want the immediate chemistry from the beginning.
Unfortunately, I don’t feel that the chemistry felt upon an initial two hour hour date is necessarily real. I think it’s usually a sexual chemistry. That IS needed, of course, but only PART of what’s imperative for a lasting relationship. You need the other things you mentioned, including building trust. You can’t possibly know this without dating for a year or two.
I just haven’t quite figured out, at 70 yrs old, how to turn a close friendship into more without the risk of losing that close friendship, if dating doesn’t work out. Any suggestions?