Keira fell in love with him over coffee.

They talked about what they wanted for the future. She loved the way he painted a picture of the life they’d have together once he graduated.

They’d spend part of each year in a different country. They’d be a power couple, funding their travels through their social media brand. Their children would grow up as global citizens.

Keira had never been with anyone who dared to think that big. She could see herself by his side, living out these dreams.

Right now, of course, their lives were nothing like that. He still was a student. She was working at an entry-level job.

But he told her it was only temporary. Stick with him, and soon they’d be enjoying the life of their dreams.

Falling For The Future

Many of us fall in love not just with the person in front of us but with the future they promise.

Maybe you’ve been on one of those first dates where the guy describes all the places he’d like to take you and what you’d do together if you became his girlfriend.

He believes that if he makes the right promises, he can overcome any of the doubts you’re feeling right now.

Done right, this can be an incredibly powerful tactic.

He’s giving you hope.

No matter what your life is like now, it could be so much bigger and better if you just take a chance on him. All you have to do is agree to date him.

Staying For The Future

Painting a beautiful picture of the future you’ll have together doesn’t just help you fall for him.

It also keeps you in the relationship when you might otherwise have considered leaving.

If you end things, it’s not just the present you lose. It’s the future you dreamed of.

This is the Promise Problem.

You’ve got a Promise Problem when the future he’s promised becomes one of the main reasons you stay.

No matter how bad things get, you tell yourself things will get better. He’s promised he’ll marry you, or leave his ex, or have more time once his kids grow up.

You believe him. That promised future is what’s keeping you in the relationship.

But what if it never happens?

How Much Promises Are Worth

It’s easy to make promises.

It can be very hard to keep them.

The future is unpredictable. Even with the best of intentions, a goal can slip out of our grasp.

He may very well mean it when he says that he wants to have a big family with you or buy a farm someday so you can live a simpler life.

But does that mean those things will happen?

The majority of goals people set for themselves are never achieved. Just look at New Year’s resolutions. It’s hard to change your life even if you’re motivated and determined.

Some people are more likely to achieve their goals than others. You increase the chances you’ll achieve your goal by writing it down, developing a plan of action, and taking baby steps.

So pay attention to what he does about his promises.

Is he gathering information on what it would take to make this dream come true? Does he have a plan? Is he moving slowly in the right direction?

Those are good signs that he not only means what he says, but he has what it takes to follow through.

If, on the other hand, he makes beautiful promises but doesn’t have a realistic plan for achieving them, it’s unlikely those dreams will come true on their own.

Ask Tough Questions

Promises are seductive.

They offer a vision of a future that is bright, appealing, and hard to resist.

It’s easy to get swept up in the fantasy and overlook the realities of the present.

That’s what happened with Keira.

She told herself that all she needed to do was wait until he graduated. Then they’d start on their new life. Then the world would be their oyster.

But would it?

One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to question the promises that have been made.

It requires courage to confront the possibility that the future you’ve been banking on may never come to pass.

But it’s a necessary step to protect yourself from disappointment and keep you from waiting forever.

Don’t fall in love with a dream. If promises are what’s keeping you together, that may not be enough.

Ask him what his plans are. Ask him how you can help. Ask him what the time frame would be and if there are any steps you can start taking now. If he’s serious about his promises, he’ll appreciate your partnership.