There’s this guy.
He’s so exciting to be with. You always have the best time together.
Even though you’re normally able to relax and be yourself around men, something about this guy makes you want to impress him.
And because you get the feeling he isn’t impressed by many women, you want to be the one who lingers in his mind like a fragrance he can’t forget.
So you end up doing things you wouldn’t ordinarily do. Trying to be more flirtatious or sassy or aloof than you really are.
Sometimes he responds with great pleasure and enthusiasm. Other times, it’s as if he doesn’t even register.
Every so often—not often enough for you to worry about it, but often enough to notice—you catch a slight hint of annoyance. As if he’d be enjoying himself more if you were someone else … if you weren’t YOU.
It catches you off guard. You think he likes you, but does he? Is he just enjoying your company because he enjoys the company of women and you’re a woman?
Or does he see what’s special about you and appreciate it? It’s hard to know.
You consider yourself a fairly independent woman, so it’s weird when you find yourself obsessing over this guy. You don’t even know if you want a relationship with him. Why do you care so much about his opinion of you?
Then it happens.
Friday night comes up, and he hasn’t contacted you to talk about the weekend. You’ve done something together every single weekend for the past month. You try to play it cool by not contacting him. But the entire weekend feels strange. What is he doing? Why didn’t he text?
You feel petulant and needy. Not like you at all. What has this guy done to you? And how can you get his hooks OUT of you?
One of the most powerful forces on human behavior is something known as intermittent reinforcement.
Imagine you’re playing a game. Unbeknownst to you, researchers have designed three versions of this game. They’re timing how long you play each version, so they know which game is the most addictive.
One version of the game is hard. It’s almost impossible to win. It’s so frustrating, in fact, that you can’t figure it out.
Another version of the game is easy. You quickly figure out how to earn points. Over time, it becomes too predictable. You know exactly what you need to do to win, and it isn’t challenging anymore.
The third version of the game has a random element built in. Sometimes, doing an action earns you points. Other times, doing that same action sends you back to the beginning of the game. You can never predict which it will be.
Any guesses as to which game will hold your attention the longest?
Perhaps THE most addictive activity in the world is gambling.[1] Gambling is so addictive because it makes use of intermittent reinforcement. Sometimes, playing the slot machine earns you coins. Other times, it earns you nothing.
You never know which it will be, and that’s keeps you hooked.
So if a man sometimes responds warmly to your flirtatious comments, but other times he doesn’t even seem to notice, and other times he even seems irritated…
What he’s doing is giving you intermittent reinforcement.
You don’t know what reaction you’re going to get from him, and that’s what gets you hooked.
The good guy who always laughs at your jokes and smiles back when you smile at him is easy. Like the predictable game, you know what to do to make him like you. It’s easy to win with guys like this.
The local hottie who always has a dozen girls hanging on his arm and rarely sends a glance your way is too hard. It’s not a game worth playing. Trying to win him over seems like an exercise in frustration.
But the guy who is sometimes unavailable—you’re never sure when you text him whether he’ll want to meet up—sucks you in.
You have such a good time with him that you can’t help wanting to see him again. But sometimes when you reach out, it feels like he’s pushing you away. You can’t figure out what you’ve done wrong.
In those situations, it can help to know that your obsession has nothing to do with genuine chemistry and everything to do with intermittent reinforcement.
This guy is acting like a slot machine. You’re gambling with your heart. And it’s time to break the addiction.
Ask yourself: is this even worth it? Do I even want a relationship with this guy?
If not, then stop playing.
There are better prizes than an unpredictable guy.
[1] https://www.huffpost.com/entry/addictive-behaviors_n_5000261
“There are better prizes than an unpredictable guy.” I physically felt the hold loosen. Thank you.
Hi James,
I dated a bipolar man for 2 years and he swore devoted love and that I was the only woman in the world for him. Then 2020 hit and we both had health issues and stresses that no normal relationship has to go through. He lost his job and went through a mid life crisis. He ended it with me in February this year. But he still calls and text me often. I still love him and I’ve tried to pull away and shut it down. I feel like he needs me to help him cope with life at the moment. He even asked me to help him move. Which I did. He still wants me in his life he said and is still “deciding what he should do” in regards to me.
Should I wait for him to figure it out? Or lose a great friend and cut my losses?.
Sincerely,
Caught in the middle
Wow, it sounds like you guys were hit with more than your fair share of hardship in the past few years. I hope you are both finding joy in the small things in life despite it all, but I can certainly understand why that put a huge strain on your relationship.
When it comes to your decision about waiting this out or cutting your losses, I think a big factor is the degree to which you are suffering right now. If waiting is ok and you still enjoy seeing him on occasion, and you can simultaneously keep your options open for meeting new people, maybe time is on your side if you leave the door to communication with him open. Time has a way of healing and restoring relationships if the relationship was built upon a good foundation to begin with.
But if this is causing a lot of emotional pain, and you believe it is blocking you from living life to the fullest, then some people find it helpful to tell the other party what they need from them if they still want to give it a shot. Tell him what kind of time or commitment you would need and by when. No anger or positioning. Just you being real with him about what you would need in order to leave the door open for him a bit longer.
Wishing you love and happiness.
James
Hi James my situation married 33 yrs, had fights off n on for non important things maybe stress, 2020 hit made it worse.
He gave me the silent treatment and no eye contact for 2 months after our last fight, now in our 3rd months we finally talked he said his not mad at me that he is ver angry at himself for not being someone different in our relationship or standing up when we fought. He said 3 different things to give him space, I ask for how long he said he does not know, I ask him how do you not know he said because maybe I’m getting used of how I’m living in our current situation he also said that he is thinking what to do with life. Our Situation is now 3 months he does not want to leave he staying in our home but his angry, wants space, does not know for how long and his thinking of what to do with his life. Also I do not cook for him because he won’t eat my food that is the reason of our last fight because I Was tired not feeling well and I said I would not cook for him that night so we fought he got angry. I do all other of his things except feeding him
Now he has so much freedom, he goes and does what ever he wants he never used to go anywhere before our fight I can’t say anything because we wont talk I’m just on Hold!! Waiting to see what would be his decision if we will move forward or he will leave. I’m stuck I don’t know what to do, do I just wait and for how long,
I truly feel I might be wrong that he is manipulating situation to get what he wants living his life with no one saying anything to him, been able to stay home and me continue doing his stuff washing, groceries. All bills ect ect if I do ask like a favor or something related to the house bills or house he is still with his head down no eye contact acting mad as of day one.
I don’t know what to do I feel stuck, on Hold
Do you think he is playing me!!
I have this boyfriend that says he loves me and no one else but the thing is that he never really takes me anywhere. It just seems like excuses like stay home to see if people come by or it’s too hot out for the dogs and has me stay home. But he goes somewhere during day and then evening get out on his Harley Davison. And go to bars or a ride… So what you do? He says grass not greener on the other side and that he won’t be a cheater, what would you think ??
I have been in a similar situation. I always questioned why would he even act and play such games. Is he doing it to keep things exciting between us or he is the one who just likes the game? Why would men choose to act like this?
This is really helpful. Thanks James
Thanks, this really makes things more clear, but still I don’t know how to get out of it.
In the beginning he opened himself up as no man did before. I fell in love and as soon he saw it worked, he pulled away and said it was just a misunderstanding and he didn’t want it this way. Up to now ok, so just quite the thing.
He just does not stop calling and wants to be friends forever. I can not get rid of my feelings for him this way, he even wants me to go and live with him and do business, but just as a friend.
So I’d wish to do the same thing to him so he would understand how I’m feeling it, or just find a way to get out of this situation.
Kind regards, Cornelia
Hi Cornelia. When someone’s presence in your life consistently drains you emotionally, you should take steps to remove that person’s access to you (unless they need you like a child needs a parent and caring for them is the right thing to do). In this case, he does not need you. He just wants you involved in his life on his terms. Since those terms don’t work for you, it seems he is draining your quality of life and preventing you from emotionally moving on to make space for someone who is a better fit for you.
How do I apply this effectively in a long distance relationship with someone I only see every 2 to 3 months?
Good question, Yulreeka. It seems that the frequency of your interactions is already low enough that it’s probably not satisfying to either of you. So you don’t want to use this technique of intermittent reinforcement in your situation. It could push you into a zone where the relationship just isn’t meeting needs enough.
Hey! There’s this guy that I really care about and he does this without consciously knowing he does. What do I do?
Hi James,
Seeing Yulreeka’s situation/question above, I couldn’t stop wondering whether it can be called a real relationship if we only see each other every 2 or 3 months or half a year; or it’s an imaginary relationship largely existing in one’s head?
What should be a healthy frequency of seeing each other to warrant a relationship?
No offense to Yulreeka though.
Thanks,
Ivy
Hey, Ivy.
While I’m tempted to offer my personal opinion, the truth is that it really depends on what makes a person happy and fulfilled. Circumstances and belief systems about what things mean can cause wild variation in the way a person interprets periods of extended absence.
It may be useful to ask yourself whether you would be happy over a period of 5 years if this frequency never changed.
So what would someone in this situation do?
The time you have together is precious, so don’t waste it by playing games.
But you can use it in the communication that you have in between meetings. Again don’t play games, but if you’ve always hit reply immediately when you get a text message or an e-mail try leaving it for a while. If you’ve always been the one to send a text or e-mail first then leave it and let him be the first. In short be a bit unpredictable about the when, BUT, and it’s a big BU, be true to yourself and honest in your text
messages and e-mails