Sarah stared at her phone. Her hands shook as she read and re-read the text.

He was really doing it.

He was breaking up with her.

Her hands flew as she typed back a cutting response. How dare he? He couldn’t even be bothered to say this to her face? What kind of coward was he?

“see this is exactly what i mean,” he texted back.

She furiously typed a reply: “what the hell is that supposed to mean???”

Silence.

“answer me!” she typed. “i deserve to know why ur doing this”

She stared at the screen for minutes, but it remained blank.

Beware of The Emotional Whirlpool

The pain of a relationship crisis can feel unbearable.

The unfairness of what happened. The betrayal of your trust. Fear for the future. The desperate need to make things right again.

So many emotions swirled together in a toxic whirlpool, sucking you down into darkness and despair.

When that emotional whirlpool sucks you in, you can’t think straight.

Your threat detection system is blaring. It’s drowning out the voice of reason.

You might even feel like you’re having a panic attack.

Instinct takes over.

You defend yourself. You lash out.

And what does he do?

Maybe he gets sucked into the emotional whirlpool, too. You end up fighting.

Or maybe he turns his back on you and walks away. He doesn’t want to talk to you when you’re like this.

In your heightened state, you don’t just see him walking away. You feel him abandoning you. Like all the other men before.

Despair settles on you, like a black cloth blotting out the light.

How to Get Out of the Emotional Whirlpool

When you’re caught up in a whirlpool and about to drown, your entire body screams, “Danger!”

It doesn’t matter if that whirlpool is emotional rather than physical. The sense of threat is just as real.

This is why losing a relationship can feel like it’s going to kill you.

You can fight and scream and cry and struggle, but you’ll just get sucked deeper into the turbulent waters.

If you want to save yourself, you need to get out.

And the best way to get out is to do the exact opposite of what all your instincts are screaming at you to do:

Nothing.

Don’t respond. Don’t react.

Don’t say anything else.

Get to a safe place as soon as you can, where you can process your feelings in private.

Once you’re safe, let those emotions out.

Cry. Scream. Beat a pillow. Write it all down. Run as hard as you can.

You’re draining the whirlpool. You’re getting it all out.

At some point, maybe 20 minutes later, you’ll feel that emotional swirl subsiding.

You’ll be wrung out and exhausted, but your feet will be back on dry land.

Your rational mind has come back online. It’s like waking up from a dream.

You can think about what happened now.

And you can make a much better decision about what to do next.

The Power of A Pause

We make better decisions when we’ve had time to process what happened.

In the heat of the moment, we’re prone to overreacting. We say or do things that make the situation worse.

So the next time you feel yourself getting sucked into the undertow of powerful emotions, force yourself to take a break from the situation.

Don’t respond immediately. Excuse yourself. Go use the bathroom.

If you’ve got the time, go for a walk.

Distract yourself. Call a friend. Sing loudly. Whatever helps.

If the situation can wait a day, get a good night’s sleep and then think about what you’ll do.

You’re helping your body discharge that feeling of imminent danger. You’re returning your nervous system back to baseline.

From that grounded place, you can bring your best self to the situation.

No More Regrets

Sarah regretted not bringing her best self to the way she’d handled her ex’s text.

After that exchange, he cut her off completely and blocked her.

She didn’t even have the chance to talk to him about what went wrong. She’ll always wonder whether they could have worked it out.

If she could go back and do it over again, she’d have texted him, “Can we talk about this? I’m free in an hour.”

She’d have listened to him, rather than launching into a fight.

Maybe they wouldn’t have gotten back together. Maybe things were too far gone.

But at least she’d have gotten closure.

Have you ever regretted the way you handled something? Do you think you would have handled it better if you’d have taken time to process it first?