I once sat with a couple during their argument. She was upset, and she let him have it.
She accused him of several hurtful mistakes. When she paused, he admitted he’d screwed up and said, “I’m sorry.”
She looked at him blankly for a moment, and then continued her tirade. When she paused a second time, he said, “I won’t do it again.”
Once more, she jumped right back into her rant. In fact, her accusations continued until finally he asked a crucial question. This one question was more profound than admitting he was wrong or even promising to avoid the same mistakes in the future.
He said, “How can I make it up to you?”
And that was when her anger melted. She began to speak softly and look him in the eye. In a more loving tone, she told him what she needed him to do differently. He listened and seemed to understand.
To be honest, the whole thing confused me initially, but then I reflected on it a bit and it made perfect sense. Let me explain why that last question worked.
He began by saying he was sorry. Not a bad start, but not what she needed to hear. An apology is good for accepting responsibility, but it’s really just a statement. It doesn’t fix anything.
Recognizing that, he addressed the future by telling her he wouldn’t do the same things again. Better, but still not quite what she needed. There’s some comfort in knowing the same thing won’t happen again, but that doesn’t make things better right now.
Then he asked, “How can I make it up to you?” That was what she needed to hear.
When someone asks, “How can I make it up to you?” they’re taking responsibility for making things better…right now. It’s a true healing gesture, and it works wonders.
Here are two ways you can put it to good use.
First, the next time you accidentally hurt his feelings, remember the power of asking, “How can I make it up to you?” That gets to the heart of the matter fast. You’ll get to watch his anger and frustration melt as he hears that you’re willing to do something to better the situation. Seriously. It’s amazing.
Second, the next time he hurts your feelings, consider what you want from him before you confront him.
He may get frustrated during the conversation and say, “I already said I’m sorry. What more do you want!?” If that happens, you can calmly reply, “I want you to ask me how you can make it better.” That’s the beginning of a more constructive conversation.
The key is addressing the past, the future and right now, and that one question manages all three. Make it your go-to when things get tense.
Sometimes all a girl needs is some understanding. Listening to how she feels, putting himself in her shoes and recognizing her point of view will usually suffice. Empathy goes a long way.
Yes!
Thank you… these simple words, “How can I make it better?” really do show that someone is making an effort to do better, to be better.
I think ! There is no such thing as the perfect relationship for anyone. It’s a fantasy we all dream about.
Let’s face it. It’s about what price are you ready to pay for it. In the end we all want respect, attention and understanding from both sides.
It’s a never ending story.
Stay alone or make a lot of compromise as that’s what it’s take to make it last.
You’re right. No such thing as perfect for anything, let alone a relationship.
But I’d have my husband back imperfect though he was.
He died at 63 of complications of pneumonia. We had 26 years together and I’d do them all again with him. Not perfect but a good companion, colleague (we worked together 20 years) and someone I valued highly – in spite of the fact he could, at times, drive me to the edge of reason.
It may not have been a perfect relationship but it was a great relationship, a satisfying one (most of the time) and when things went badly wrong a couple of times, we were able to sit and talk about it and do something to change the bad stuff.
I couldn’t ask for more than that.
Is it too masculine to accept apology and ask for something that will make it better? Like thank them for apology and ask if they’ll make special chili for you or go on extra date night?
I like your idea. I’d say if your intuition tells you it’s a good fit for the personality of the man you are dating, then go for it.
I have used different words that mean the same – What can I do to make it right? These words worked for me. Of course my intentions were to make it right after hurting the man in my life.
I recently let my sister down again and she specifically asked me not to say sorry. She is on a very spiritual path and want nothing more than to fix the relationship between us. I’m hoping this works.
Good advice, but what can you do or say when your man tells you that something you’ve said or done is unforgivable. Even when they’ve done same to tou
I think that as much as this may hurt, you are not responsible for their behavior. You can’t force someone to accept an apology or accept your amending behavior. If they don’t want to forgive, there’s nothing you can do but let go. Ultimately, you are only responsible for your behavior. Did you do the right thing? Did you attempt to make amends? Did you try to fix the mistake? That’s all you can do. I realize this doesn’t make you irresistible, but in the end, you’re only responsible for yourself.
This sounds good in theory but some guys wouldn’t stretch that far and either say or think the gal is too high maintenance- so I’ve heard.
Well, who wants a man like that anyway? Better to let that one go and find one who truly deserves you! You are not high maintenance because you expect someone to live up to your standards… you’ve just been expecting it from the wrong men!
All I can say is wow! It took me only 10minutes reading to understand how I’ve been destroying my relationships.