When you were a teenager, how did you handle conflict with your friends?
Did you talk them about how you felt?
Were you able to clear the air and get it resolved?
Or did you push your emotions down, pretend nothing was wrong, and let your hurt surface in other ways?
Even though that was long ago, those experiences shaped you…
And they might be casting a shadow on your romantic relationships.
How We Learn to Do Conflict
Men and women handle conflict differently.
From a young age, girls are often taught to avoid direct conflict.
It’s not “feminine” to confront someone, get angry, or say what you really feel.
The fear of losing a relationship or social connections can make conflict feel dangerous, so girls tend to handle it indirectly.
They might give a friend the cold shoulder, talk about her to others, or leave her out of plans. The friend is left confused about what she did wrong or why she’s being punished.
Over time, avoiding direct conflict can become a habit.
Girls learn to appease and pretend nothing is wrong instead of clearing the air and talking it through.
When these girls grow into women, they often carry these learned behaviors with them.
They’re afraid to address conflict in their romantic relationships. They worry that saying something might cause a breakup.
Instead of telling their partner they’re hurt or upset, they express their feelings in subtle ways, hoping he will understand what he did wrong without needing a conversation.
This conflict style frustrates and confuses men. They learned to do conflict differently, and they wish women would follow their lead.
How Men Prefer Conflict
In the world of boys, conflict isn’t something to be avoided. It’s to be embraced.
Boys can fight it out one day and go back to being best friends the next.
These boys grow into men who don’t see conflict as a threat to closeness. They see it as something to be handled out in the open as quickly as possible.
So, when they end up in a romantic relationship with a partner who won’t say what’s wrong and still feels hurt months after something happened, they become frustrated.
They feel like they’re being punished for no reason. They don’t like the drama. They pull away, leaving her feeling abandoned.
There’s a better way. And it starts with a talk.
The Conflict Conversation
Have a Conflict Conversation.
This isn’t a conversation about your conflicts. It’s a conversation about your beliefs about conflict.
It has four steps.
Step 1. Share with each other how you learned to deal with conflict.
Put yourselves back in the shoes of your teenage self. What did each of you learn about conflict from your friendships? From your family?
Step 2. Describe each other’s conflict style.
In this step, you’ll both try to describe your individual conflict style. How do you handle conflict as an adult?
Does your partner agree that this is a good description, or would they describe it differently?
Step 3. Uncover hidden fears.
In this step, you’ll get a bit more vulnerable by answering the question:
What are you afraid of when you’re in conflict?
What scares you most about being in conflict with the person you love? What specifically do you worry will happen?
For example, you might worry that talking about the issue will make it an even bigger issue. You might worry that your partner will blame you for bringing it up. You might worry that it will become a fight or that you might break up over it.
Step 4. Ask for one positive action step.
If you could ask each other to do just one thing different when it comes to conflict, what would it be?
Make it positive and specific. Avoid feelings-based requests like, “Don’t get mad at me,” or, “Don’t get defensive.”
Here are some examples of things people find helpful:
- Bring up issues in a timely manner rather than allowing them to fester.
- Inform your partner at the beginning of the discussion whether you’re seeking emotional support or a practical solution.
- Explain the issue. Don’t expect your partner to know what’s wrong.
- Use “I feel” statements.
- Focus on the problem rather than the person.
- Take accountability for your part.
- Have a safe word you can use when things get heated to pause the conversation.
It can be easy to blame each other for handling conflict badly.
But when you take a step back and see conflict through the lens of your personal histories, you can see why your partner reacts the way they do.
They’re not being deliberately difficult. They just have a different relationship with conflict.
And now it’s time to leave that past behind.
Find a new way forward together. You’re not teenagers. You’re adults with tools you didn’t have back then. Together, you can make this work.
Recent Comments