“I believe in you.” It’s nice when someone says that to you, isn’t it?
But what does it really mean? They believe you exist? Of course not. They’re saying they believe in your ability to achieve something. Or they believe in your general goodness and value.
In a way, when someone says “I believe in you,” they are practicing the art of positive thinking. They are choosing to believe the best. It feels good when you are the recipient of that faith.
I recently stumbled across a survey of jokes that were voted to be among the best. I thought this one was funny…
“I saw a book called The Power of Positive Thinking and thought I should probably read that. But then I thought, ‘What the hell good would that do?’ and I walked away.”
I like this joke because it makes light of a trap many of us find ourselves in. Once the human mind starts down the track of negative thinking, it can be difficult to switch tracks. It’s not easy to suddenly decide to be a positive person.
Once the rolling snowball of negativity starts to build, it can feel nearly impossible to reverse course. But there’s one method, one simple psychological side step that can do the trick.
I’m talking about a simple mental habit. You can get the benefits today. But there is also a long-term payoff…
A permanent increase in feelings of happiness.
According to Rick Hansen, PhD, the author of Hardwiring Happiness, you can rewire your brain so you feel happy more often.
Feelings of gratitude and well-being become automatic when you think certain kinds of thoughts. Thoughts that force your brain to adopt new neural structures.
All you have to do is make the simple choice to get thankful about something, even if most of your life sucks right now. It’s gratitude that does the trick. Look for things to feel grateful for.
The instant benefit is improved mood. And in the long run, it rewires your brain for happiness.
Today, I want to suggest one simple form of gratitude. It has to do with the mindset you bring to dating.
I challenge you to be grateful for the power you have to love others. It’s a simple thing, but it really is something worth celebrating.
You have love, and you are able to give it to someone else. That is a precious gift of immeasurable value.
Dating provides micro opportunities to practice the art of giving your love away. Don’t worry about using it up. Unlike other valuable resources, your supply tends to grow the more you practice giving it away.
As you know, most of us fall into the trap of becoming increasingly negative and panic stricken as we try to find someone else to love us. We all want to be loved, but other people don’t do it right, or at least not perfectly. So we become focused on the problems in our love life.
No one would blame the victim of a spinal cord injury for focusing on the sudden problems that come from paralysis. Yet a 2013 research study in Canada involving fifteen people with spinal cord injuries found something interesting. The vast majority of them were practicing gratitude, particularly gratitude about the simple things.
They told the researchers how they began to deeply appreciate small things they had previously taken for granted. They gave examples like the birds chirping in the morning hours outside their window. Or the small gestures of kindness they were still able to offer when interacting with others.
The feeling of gratitude is like a breath of fresh air you can literally feel in your body. It’s a positive sensation you can actually notice if you pay attention.
You may not be in a relationship right now, or you may be in one that is not meeting all of your needs. But I challenge you to take thirty seconds to adopt a new mindset. Dating becomes a lot more fun when you focus on what you have to give. The beautiful gift of love.
Don’t wait until you find the perfect person to give it to. Give it away in tiny doses to people who don’t even deserve it.
Because appreciating the beauty of the love you have within you will make you glow from the inside out. It will boost your immune system, lower your stress, and enhance the natural beauty of who you are.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to have a small influence in your life, hopefully in a positive direction. I believe you are valuable and intrinsically good.
I believe in your ability to choose a positive direction for your thoughts. I believe in your potential to enhance the irresistible qualities you already possess. And I believe you’re going to have fun in the process.
In short, I believe in you.
Your Dating Coach from a Distance,
James
Thanks James!
Your post is so very inspiring and insightful.
Being positive minded really is a choice that we must make each and everyday!
It is not bestowed on us, we must reach for it and put it on in the same way we get dressed to face the world.
As well, it starts with gratitude at least that is where it starts for me and it never fails.
So, again thank you for sharing and caring.
Yvonne Finn
I am reading this email in my bed in the hospital recovering from a second foot surgery.
I really love reading this right now!!! It is truth as true as truth can be! My personal experiences over the past year with this injury have taught me just this. Gratitude and positive thinking heals and attracts beautiful genuine people!
I was in an accident where a deck collapsed at a friend’s dinner party and shattered my heel in the fall. I was on crutches for 5 months unable to put any pressure on my foot causing major atrophy and scar tissue. It has been a long recovery process.
I am unable to take prescription pain killers because of the nausea and depression they cause. I started having suicidal thoughts after the first reconstruction surgery when I was taking the pain killers. That was Dec. 21 2012.
When that started happening I decided to stop taking the drugs and work through the intense pain with hypnosis and guided meditations. They were audio downloads that I was blessed with while in the hospital after the first surgery.
Dec. 31st was the day I made the switch. It’s hard not to be grateful when people show up to help in times of real struggle! New Years Eve some friends picked me up and took me to a house party. There way a man there who was genuinely sweet and helpful to me while I was on crutches dragging a huge plaster compression cast and working through intense physical pain. I wasn’t looking for romance or even to meet a guy in that condition. I was just so grateful to be there with friends and good music and food. I got this quiet sweet man to talk to me. We watched the sunrise together with friends and talked about music. We had a very innocent cuddle, didn’t even kiss just friendly.
He gave me a ride home the next day and left his email address on the phone that fell out of my pocket in his car.We were pen pals for 6 months, emailing and texting while we both were healing. He from a previous long term relationship where his girlfriend was cheating on him for many years and me from my shattered heel.
We have been dating for 8 months now. He is everything I have ever dreamed of and more. A genuine incredible man! We have so much fun together even being long distance. It’s not a fully committed relationship at the moment and I’m not pressuring him because in this moment I am so grateful to have time with such a wonderful person!
I would never have met him if this tragic thing didn’t happen to me.
I would not be in the wonderful condition I am in now having had hardware removal surgery this morning. Without the gratitude mental training I did last winter I would not have had so many wonderful people show up to help me through this injury.
It works! Gratitude can be hard but there are ways to train the mind into making it a habit over negative thinking. I used subliminal hypnosis audio tracks, ho’oponopono, NLP, and the coaching advice and programs from coaches like yourself. Thank you so much for what you do! It works! It takes a month of real work to retrain the mind to positive thinking and gratitude but after that it becomes easier and then becomes habit. It works better than painkillers to heal broken bones and really builds self confidence. It’s working and I thank you and all the other coaching! I really appreciate this email today!!!
Get well soon, Beth!
This is truly an awesome topic, and was beautifully executed by James, thank you. I was brought up by an Alcoholic and for a start that’s a big negative! but by persevering and going to Alanon which is for families and friends of Alcoholics, and doing the most positive things for myself that I can, you can change your thinking and your feelings and they do become. Each day I write in my gratitude journal at least 6 positive things, when you do this you are retraining the mind to see more of that than anything else and a lovely spiritual experience.
When you change things around you change.
Enjoy these wonderful messages.
Cheers Carol NZ
I recently found this to very true. On New Years Eve , I/we almost broke up over a silly misunderstanding. but I pointed out the fact how much I was proud of Jason , and respected all he did in his professional career , and the way he planned our special time during the month , cutting back on work, (loosing money doing so ) spending quality time and doing special things , buying me flowers , just to see that silly smile it brings to my face, you know the all of a sudden shy , adrenaline rush , excitement , knowing he went out of his way to do this just FOR ME …when I am there I make him special lunches, and I will leave a little note/card sometimes letting him know I APPRECIATE HIM, What do I get in return ? a inner satisfaction I MADE HIS DAY BY SHOWING I CARE , and he takes care of me at night…:)
I agree with you, James, a beautiful sentiment. Thank you, and I am sure many, many people are grateful to you for your wise comments. I have a “Gratitude Journal” in which I write down every day, the things for which I am grateful. It is surprising how many things you can think of when you begin to write them down, and this journal, at one time, was my life saver, when I was going through my darkest times with depression and feeling suicidal. I thoroughly recommend it to focus the mind on the many things there are to be grateful for and which are worth living for.
Thank you James, truly amazing and has just confirmed all that my late amazing Dad was trying to teach me…I feel really grateful for this lesson and will carry it in my heart 🙂 everyday I hear those birds. Singing, I always smile, now I will smile, bow my head and say “thank you, I really appreciate your song and for reminding me, I have just woken up to yet another beautiful day”
I thank you James for sending this email to me, just at the right time, I had stopped believing in myself…..almost!! Now I just need to regain my trust in myself ;)?
Best regards
Dawn, England
Your awesomeness is showing 😉 thanks …. with gratitude!
Nice! Was that a Jack Black quote?
That was a beautiful message James. Thanks for sharing it and reminding us that our love and our lives are valuable. I appreciate all the work that you do to help us show up better towards ourselves and in our relationships.
This is truly what I needed to remember today for I have been feeling down. I have been someone who is grateful for all the little things in life that people normally take for granted. And I ask myself, why have I been feeling down? This gives me the incentive to remember how I was “grateful”. Thank you very much James.
I love this article James! Well said! Thank you. And today I am grateful to you for writing this! : )
James, I receive a lot of relationship blogs and you are my favorite blogger. You offer the most uplifting, compassionate, thoughtful and healthy commentary of any of the writers out there. When skimming through the 40+ emails per day I receive, I always read yours because it is worth my time. Thank you.
Only a beautiful soul could write so beautifully. I am grateful for you James and I’m sure you are having a profound influence in many lives. Thank you for being the light that you are.
😀
Absolutely agree! Uplifting and encouraging. Your positive approach is very much appreciated and I always look forward to reading your blog. This in particular was great for me today.
Thank you James. This is apparently the message I’m supposed to get today. I just finished watching a video on Youtube about the effects of positive words/attention on children. Thank you. Grateful for you!
Great advise, it does work and makes you feel beautiful. Gratitude does wonders to your mind, body and soul. It heals. Thank you for the opportunity to share and expand.
I believe in you also, James. You are a very classy deep relationship advisor.
Charlotte
I second that. I couldnt agree more!! I am deeply grateful for the free material I get to read online from James, and look forward to purchasing his material so I understand on a deeper level about relationships and men.
I love your writing and your words. I am such am admirer of your thought processes.
Love this mindset! I have tried to practice this in my life this past last year and I have experienced such positive effects. Being grateful helps me stay grounded and keeps things in perspective instead of focusing on the stuff that isn’t going right. Thanks James!
What a breath of fresh air to read these words. Thanks for the inspiration to be greatful. Time to share the positive with others!
Thank you James. As always, I find your messages to be helpful and insightful. I’m very grateful that I found you as you are always able to help contribute to my sense of well being. Have a wonderful day!
Beautiful! Truly affected me in a positive way today. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn, grow, and love everyday.
Grazie, James