Let me start by asking if you know the answer to the following question. What is the number-one fear a woman has after a date that goes really well? Do you know?
The most common fear is that he won’t call again. The woman is left waiting, wondering, and feeling frustrated. No, frustrated is the wrong word. It’s more like a feeling of exasperation.
You just want to pull your hair out! Your experience with the guy says, “Yes! This went great, and he already secretly loves me just a little bit. We had so much fun!” Yet the days pass without further contact. You start to worry.
By day three, you stop measuring the passage of time in days and start counting down the hours to each deadline you were sure he would meet. “He’ll call before 8:00 PM tonight. I’m sure of it.” The minute hand on your clock gets more attention than it has in five months as you watch it pass the 8:30 mark. You, on the other hand, get none of the attention you were hoping for.
Where does this problem come from? Why do so many women go through this agonizing experience? There are several answers to this question, but I want to get you thinking about one thing in particular.
I’ll come back to this problem in a minute. First, I need to tell you something interesting I learned from a man who consults with restaurant owners to make them more money. In particular, the man I’m referring to is a consultant to high-end restaurants with pricey menus and required reservations.
Take a moment to think about why a pricey restaurant would require customers to make reservations. The answer, it turns out, is the same as the reason airline companies require that you make a reservation (and payment) to hold a seat on a scheduled flight.
If you’re not going to show up, they want to be able to offer the seat to someone else. Empty seats on an airplane means less money earned from the flight (which costs just as much to operate with half the seats filled as it costs with all the seats filled).
If the airline does not require you to make a reservation, they cannot maximize the money they make from each flight. Even classy, high-end restaurants look like ghost towns at 10:00 AM in the morning. There are a limited number of seats they can fill during the dinner rush. They want to maximize the money they can earn from the tables they have available (and all the staff standing by to serve you). That means, each time a person calls in to reserve a table, and then fails to show up, the restaurant loses money by holding a table they could have offered to a paying customer.
So here is what the consultant tells the restaurant owners. “When a person makes a reservation, ask them if they will call if something comes up to change their plans.” By asking this simple, question, real-life research has shown the number of people who call ahead to cancel (rather than simply failing to show up) increases dramatically!
There’s a trick to it, though. If the person taking the reservation just says, “Please call us in advance if you need to cancel,” nothing happens. But if they ask, “Will you call us in advance if you need to cancel?” and then wait for the customer actually to say, “Yes,” the customer almost always follows through.
Why is that? Why does that simple question work so much better than a statement of expectation? Psychologists say it works because it triggers the human mind to visualize the action in the future. Plus, people don’t like breaking their own word.
Now, back to that guy who didn’t call before 8:30. He eventually calls, but not until two weeks later! I could explain why guys do that, but, to quote The Prince’s Bride, “No. There is too much. I will sum up.” And my summary is this: Guys are dumb. But with a little help, we can be less dumb. So let me tell you how you can offer a guy a little help with this problem.
Just ask him a polite question and wait for him actually to answer it. Before you go separate ways after a date, ask the following two questions with pauses for him to answer:
You: “Will you call me?”
Him: “Yes. How could I not?”
You: “Before Friday?”
Him: “Definitely.”
You: “Good. I’ll wait for your call. Goodnight.”
Him: (thinking silently as he walks away) Dang, that girl has some kind of magic hold on me!
And now, the worst thing to say at the end of a date: “Thank you. I had a really nice time.”
Why is that the worst? Let me explain it like this. You slave all day to make the best dinner you could possibly create in a hundred years, and you ask with anticipation, “How is it?” and he responds, “Good.” You say, “Just good?” and he responds, “No. This is really nice. Thank you.” It’s a letdown.
“I had a really nice time” is the ultimate cliche thing to say. It conveys nothing. Well, it might convey something like, “I guess I can’t think of anything special to say. You are bland, and so was the date.” Don’t communicate that by mistake. Instead, grab his attention with the question above. It says, “That was special. Chase me and you’re going to like what happens next.”
Give up this thought process. He is committed to another woman. If you want to test this theory further, ask to bring dinner ingredients to cook for him at his home.
I am mostly friends with with great person, he gave me a quick unexpected kiss on the lips and it caught me off guard; I kissed him right back but a quick slight touch on the lips as well; we continue to remain the same; hang out but this hasn’t happened again.
Don’t know what to make of this; he did apologize and said he had been wanting to kiss me; I said that I was glad he did. End of topic conversation; our time is great but now I’m wondering if he regrets it.
HI James: I am 46 and going out with someone who is a mutual friend of my ex husband’s and mine. I enjoy his company on occasion and my ex says he is glad I have someone to do things with. I am not sure if he is just saying this to be nice though. We were all 3 involved in a religious group together. This friend is sincerely concerned and sorry to hear of our divorce. He reached out help me and we went to dinner a few times, and then it evolved into more than friends. However, he is a nice friend and I hope to stay friends with them both one way or another. I am still not really over my ex as the divorce has only been final for a few months, though separated for a couple of years. Maybe I could date different people other then just the 2 of them. I guess I give mixed signals and so do not have either one reaching out to me very much. I am concerned for being “slut shamed” even if I just go on a date. This does not seem fair as I did not date enough in high school, and now it has caused a problem I would like to make up for and enjoy my life now by dating at least one or 2 people. Maybe if I discuss this with both of them and let them know I may wish to date them both and possibly other people too. Maybe I need to question my ex about whether he really is ok about things as I hope we can all 3 be friend in the group again together. The song My best friend’s girlfriend used to be mine – could be good for some situations, but it could be risky to get involved with a mutual friend but sometimes seems inevitable. Maybe I will tell them both I care about them both and wish to date them both and see if they are ok with that. I guess if my ex is not over things with me yet and I am not either as we were married 10 years, many would suggest I do not date a mutual friend as it could affect the friendship that all 3 of us have. Although I was not planning to date already, it has helped me to start to enjoy getting out a little and overcome isolation as much. I am concerned I will feel stuck again if I do not branch out with someone a little. Divorce is tough but I am glad I am trying to take steps to overcome this loneliness. I hope to get into group meet up events too as I have read in your posts. Also, your posts have helped me to focus on goals with work and areas other than just the relationship. I am so thankful for you and the work you do! I pray God blesses you. Any advice on how to be careful and still enjoy trying to date? Maybe it is time I put the past with my ex behind me, although it does take time. While I am glad for the memories I have also suggested he could date others as well but he says he is not right now. I am not sure what he does as he is distant and not very communicative. I thought he and I were trying to work things out, and I do see him but not very often. It was more-so a friendship feeling than a romance. These things take so much time to heal, and I am so thankful for your site and your advice on how to go about communicating should the timing be right. I hope God blesses you as you continue your great work.
Stacie, I hope this doesn’t sound judgmental. Why are you believing that the man, who your divorce just became final with wants to get back with you? Surely if he wanted you back he would have acted before the divorce was finalized? If you wish to date his friend, you are a free woman and can do so. If you wish to date others, the same thing goes. Your divorce has made you free to make choices. Your ex and you may or may not become friends, but you owe him nothing. It is difficult to move from a place where your life was tied to a man, where you believed yourself to be his, to understanding fully that it is over… but a man who wants you back does not divorce you.
You are free. Enjoy that. Explore what your new life has to offer and stop looking back.
I was dating a man over the past six months,,,after I had been widowed for a year,,,he really pursued me ,ringing every night, asking. E to lunch, but each time I went out he Woukd rush off home at about 3 pm , he never wanted to continue the time with me, I just can’t understsnd it , ,yet he kept wanting to hold my hand, kiss me, saying he liked me, etc, saying he wanted cuddles ,,,
He went to stay interstate with his daughter, gave me her email address. To contact him, said she deleted.my emails! His whole attitude to me changed after that triip,,,,he vecame Kirk a ghost, Not ringing, etc, I last heard from him a fre days ago, he rang me , after one whole month of nothing ,,,,!!!! He came tinsee me and took me to lunch, said he resally would love to be In A relationship with me , but is confused as his daughter wants him to live interstate with her ,
He is 80
Do you think there is any point Iin My being friends with him? I feel very disappointed In Him ,, and believe me I did nothing wrong , I have be. Married three times and understand men Very well! ,,I am still friends with my ex ….
I am a very young 75 yr old ,,,,have so many friends and interests ,,,,,,,but he is very set in his ways,,,,
he is judgemental too ,,,,,,,
I was dating a man over the past six months,,,after I had been widowed for a year,,,he really pursued me ,ringing every night, asking. E to lunch, but each time I went out he Woukd rush off home at about 3 pm , he never wanted to continue the time with me, I just can’t understsnd it , ,yet he kept wanting to hold my hand, kiss me, saying he liked me, etc, saying he wanted cuddles ,,,
He went to stay interstate with his daughter, gave me her email address. To contact him, said she deleted.my emails! His whole attitude to me changed after that triip,,,,he vecame Kirk a ghost, Not ringing, etc, I last heard from him a fre days ago, he rang me , after one whole month of nothing ,,,,!!!! He came tinsee me and took me to lunch, said he resllynwiukd kive to be I. A relationship with me , but is confused as his daughter wants him to live interstate with her ,
He is 80
Do you think there is any point Iin My being friends with him? I feel very disappointed In Him ,, and believe me I did nothing wrong , I have be. Married three times and understand men Very well! ,,I am still friends with my ex ….
I am a very young 75 yr old ,,,,have so many friends and interests ,,,,,,,but he is very set in his ways,,,,
he is judgemental too ,,,,,,,