Should you stick with a difficult relationship?
It’s a question that divides a lot of people. (Ask it on a first date, and you’ll learn a lot about him.)
Some believe relationships should be easy. If you’re struggling, it’s because there’s something wrong. You’re not a good match.
Others believe that all relationships end up being difficult. It’s the nature of the beast. You have to work at it.
The truth, as always, is somewhere in between.
No relationship is smooth sailing 100% of the time. Life insures that.
Even if two people are perfectly suited to each other, life has a way of throwing curveballs. Stuff happens. People take out stress on those they love the most.
But, clearly, some relationships don’t work, and a sense of difficulty is one of the first signs. The relationship drains energy instead of restoring it. It feels limiting instead of an enhancement to your quality of life.
How do you know whether the difficulties in your relationship are natural, or whether they’re a warning sign?
Here’s one way to tell the difference:
If the difficulties you’re experiencing are difficulties you’d experience anyway, then don’t blame this particular relationship.
For example, many couples struggle with issues relating to division of the housework or time management or budgeting. Often, these issues just come with the territory. Living with another person requires negotiation and compromise.
Other times, relationship problems are a result of dealing with a difficult life situation. For example, if your parents are ill or you’re struggling at work, your relationship may suffer, too. You might feel that your partner isn’t being supportive enough, when what you really need is a lot more support than he can provide.
Knowing that your difficulties are universal ones, common to anyone who loves another human being, doesn’t make them go away. You still have to deal with them.
This is where relationship skills come into play.
Many people believe that how well a relationship works is primarily a function of compatibility. If two people are made for each other, then they won’t have any problems. Their relationship will work like a charm.
But compatibility is only part of the picture.
The other part (a very BIG part) is relationship skills.
A couple with good relationship skills will find a way to make it work, if they love one another and are committed.
A couple who relies on their love alone to get them through life’s hardships may find themselves faltering. They have the willpower, but they don’t have the skills to work through the difficulties that come up. They feel as if their only choice is to accept an unsatisfactory relationship or say goodbye.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
Relationship skills can be learned. In fact, they should be learned by everyone.
None of us are born with relationship skills. We absorb lessons from our parents, our teachers, and our peers. If we’re lucky, what we see and learn will set us up for a lifetime of healthy relationships.
But most of us won’t be so lucky. We’ll absorb dysfunctional ways of relating along with healthy ones. We won’t know the difference, because we’re just doing what feels normal.
That’s why I believe one of the most important qualities to look for in a mate is the willingness to learn relationship skills. We can all improve how we are in relationship. We can all learn better conflict resolution, communication, and intimacy.
If you find yourself stuck in a relationship, unable to budge on a problem, then it’s short-sighted to either accept being unhappy or decide to go your separate ways. There’s always a third choice:
Learn new skills that will help you see solutions that were previously invisible to you.
There are so many relationship resources out there. You can find many online. There are workbooks, DVDs and workshops. Non-profit groups, church-based groups, and counselors all offer help.
Some of those resources may require your partner’s participation. He may or may not be willing to learn new relationship skills alongside you. You can certainly go about it alone. Only one person needs to change his/her behavior to transform a relationship. But you may want to ask yourself if having a partner who values good relationship skills is a priority for you.
Even if your intervention doesn’t fix the relationship, you’ll find those new skills invaluable the next time you fall in love.
You might just be surprised to find that what you needed was not someone to love you more, but rather ways to love one another better.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. At first he was so loving and interested and always wanted to know what I was doing. He showed lots of appreciation. Now it’s like I don’t even exist. He is always saying negative things to me. He don’t say thank you for nothing. He things that only his thoughts and comments matter. We sit by each other and it is like I am alone even on this sofa. I have always been a social butterfly. He doesn’t like being around much. He will treat me special for a few weeks. Then treat me like a out vast at times. I am starting to believe he is a narcissist. I have bought so much books threw you always to texting and it is like everything I try doesn’t work. I am in love with him so much. Help I have spent so much money trying everything
My current boyfriend is still married and been split up from his wife for almost 5 years he is so sweet sometimes and has a physco charm. He claims he loves me but doesn’t work and blames it on lack of resume but doesn’t work on it. Also he manages to forget entire days activity and is always paranoid. We have been together almost 2years bit he still doesn’t trust me.what to do?
Hi Catrina,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Catrina, we all love to see two people enjoying life and love together. And it’s hard when the love is there, but the enjoyment is spoiled by a mismatch in personality or life skills needed to go to the next stage of depending on each other at a deeper emotional level.
Many women make the mistake of loving a man and trying to change him so that he can become the man she can love more completely. In most cases, it’s better to decide whether or not to continue in a relationship with someone based on who they are now rather than who you hope they could become.
That’s not to say you should close the door in someone’s face. But it may be a wake-up call that person needs if you tell them what would have to change for you to be able to continue investing in the relationship.
Hello, the guy I was with had a lot stress and struggles. He took them out on me and alcohol. He blocked me on social media and has not reached out to me. I know he has feelings for me.
Are you sure he isn’t doing drugs?
Hello James. I hope you are well. Here is my story.
I met a man in late January 2019. By May, he had broken up with me twice. The first lasted a day I think (Feb or March), he said he was wrong for me. The second lasted 2 weeks (May) as he moved to a different state for a job (I get that). He would come back here to where I am every other weekend to visit his children as they are here. Since then, two weeks is the longest we’ve ever gone not talking. Well, he broke it off again Oct 11 as he said he and his ex wife never went through counseling and since he’d been living with her since May (new job out of state he stays with her to visit the kids) they were going to see if it worked out. He said he was numb and not sure it would work (ploy?). 18 days later I get a text (just over 2 weeks) that he hoped I was well and that he missed me. He told me he got a job back here in my state and would text me later to tell me the rest. Then a few days later I got more detail. I flat out asked if he was done with his ex. He said yes, but the way it read was weird so I called him on it, he said “geez, I said I was done.” I sent him this text this past Saturday:
I believe I’ve given you the impression that it’s ok for you to come and go out of my life as you please. I am sorry if I have led you to believe doing so was ok. In essence, I am a convenience. Especially because each time you come and go from my life, you take a part of me and trust with you. I don’t know how to trust you. I have not been given any action to rebut that fact. words=action=trust. I’m in the dark about you and I didn’t want to be. I let you in to the deepest part of me. As for you, I believed in you, supported you, respected you, accepted you, encouraged you and trusted you. I deserve better. I told you once my downfall is how patient and forgiving I can be. I hate being taken advantage of. But I do have my limits and I recognize that you’ve severely crossed my boundaries and I can no longer allow that.
Text # 2 this past Tuesday.
I feel like you’re struggling to juggle a new job, having the kids more often, finding a new place of your own, and even a smidge of time for yourself. I’m sure you’re exhausted and stressed. I’m also sure that if and when you find a new place, you’ll go from seeing the kids everyday to the usual schedule. You told me you were done with “her”(name removed), so there is that stress as well. It’s a ton to take in and a ton to manage all at once. If I’ve tapped into anything above that is true, I hope you find strength and courage within it all. I’ll never change being me.
I got a response to the text #2. It was the praying hands and thank you and then a blushing emoji, but that’s it. We have not talked since.
I don’t know what to do. We fell for each other, I am at a loss as to what to do next. I hope this is not too convoluted and you can maybe give me some suggestions. I bought your Love Commands and Mesmerizing Compliments That Leave Men Obsessed Course. Working through it and so far I love it. I don’t want to push him away further or stress him out further. But does he deserve me? Frustrated at this point.
Was I wrong to text what I did? Am I giving mixed signals? At this point I’m stuck. Help?
This is a great question, and you gave us a lot to chew on here. For really detailed personal questions like this, we want to do better than a blog comment. It’s the kind of question that’s better answered with some back and forth discussion. You can do that on our private (members only) forum. If you’re not already a member of our Irresistible Insiders group, you can learn more about it here
I had this for 5 years. I finally realized he is a narcissist and I was a codependent. Go nowhere dysfunctional addictive relationship. I think you are healthier but tending to codependency. Your first text was perfect. Stick to it and dump this loser
I met up with this guy after 23 years. He lives in another country. We went out on a date and talked and listened for 4 1/2 hours. We were the last two people in the restaurant when it closed. How do I know if he is interested in me? Or, how do I make him interested in me?
Jennifer, if this guy is interested in you. He will let you know. Move on with your life, if he has not made his intentions clear.