Amber had a problem.

Her new guy was great. She really liked him.

But he only seemed to have time for her in the evenings. When they weren’t sleeping together, he was busy.

She wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. She knew he had a lot going on. But surely he could see that their “relationship” looked more like a series of booty calls.

How could she talk to him about it without getting into a fight?

Adjust Your Mindset

Broaching a difficult topic is daunting at the best of times…

But it’s even harder when you’ve just started dating someone.

You don’t know how he responds to conflict.

You don’t know what approach to take.

You’re worried that saying the wrong thing will end the relationship.

What I tell my clients is to see conversations like these as opportunities.

If he doesn’t know what you want or how you feel, he doesn’t really know you.

And you are missing important information about him.

You don’t know if he wants something else, either. He may think that this is what you want.

So don’t go into a hard conversation expecting the worst.

See it as an opportunity to learn more about each other.

Now for the next pressing question…

What should you say?

The 4 Conflict Styles

Dr. Lisa Damour is a clinical psychologist who helps teenage girls navigate the complex emotional world of friendship, school, and boys.

The teen years are a time of heightened drama. Conflict is constant.

Dr. Damour needed to find a way to show girls how to tackle conflict in a healthy way, using language they would instinctively understand.

She came up with a set of metaphors for the four different ways you can approach conflict:

• As a bulldozer,
• As a doormat,
• As a doormat with spikes, or
• As a pillar.

Your goal is to avoid being a bulldozer or a doormat.

Instead, you want to stand strong like a pillar.

Here’s how it works…

The Bulldozer Approach

I asked Amber to imagine that she was approaching this conversation like a bulldozer. What would she say to her guy?

She loved the idea. She knew exactly what she would say:

“Hey, I don’t like what’s going on. All you do is come over at night, and it feels like you’re using me as your booty call. I’m worth more than that. I deserve a relationship. If you aren’t going to offer me that, I don’t want to see you anymore.”

I asked her how it felt to say those words. She said it felt amazing.

Then I asked her how she thought he would respond.

“It would probably start a fight,” she told me. “Or he’d walk out and it would be over.”

That’s the problem with the bulldozer approach.

It’s aggressive. It’s confrontational. It feels good in the moment, but it wreaks havoc on the relationship.

Trying to steamroll over another person is not the best way to get them to do what you want.

Let’s take a look at the second approach…

The Doormat Approach

Next, I asked Amber to imagine how she’d handle the situation if she were a doormat.

“I probably wouldn’t say anything,” she said. “I’d keep my mouth shut and feel really hurt. I’d go along with it, but meanwhile I’d be thinking about how much I resent him for not caring about my needs.”

People-pleasers often take this approach.

They go along with something they don’t want to do, but they show their resistance through a lack of enthusiasm or a hurt voice.

They hope their guy will read their nonverbal cues, figure out he’s doing something wrong, and ask them about it.

Unfortunately, this passive approach rarely gets results.

So what happens if we make our displeasure more obvious?

The Doormat with Spikes Approach

Amber was enjoying this exercise!

Next, I asked her to imagine that she was a doormat with spikes.

She thought for a moment. Then she said:

“I’d make a joke that wasn’t really a joke, like, ‘Gosh, are you a vampire? Because I never see you in the sun.’ Or, ‘If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re just using me for my body.’”

Sarcasm, sulking, and subtle digs can feel more satisfying than staying silent and acquiescing. You feel like you’re getting your point across without risking a direct confrontation.

But this approach can also be quite hurtful, especially if he doesn’t understand why you’re angry.

Now that we’ve covered the three approaches that don’t work, let’s look at the one approach that does.

The Pillar Approach

I told Amber to imagine herself as a pillar.

A pillar knows where she stands. No matter how hard she’s pushed, she stands firmly in place until she chooses to move.

Whereas the bulldozer assumes the other person is acting like a jerk, and the doormat assumes the other person is being deliberately hurtful, a pillar doesn’t make assumptions.

The only thing the pillar knows for certain is what she thinks and feels. To know what he thinks and feels, she has to ask.

A pillar might say something like:

“I notice that we don’t have much time together during the day. I want you for more than your body; I like your heart and mind, too! Can we find ways to spend time together outside the bedroom?”

The reason the pillar is so successful is because she speaks from a position of strength. She asks for what she wants, rather than complaining.

The next time you have a difficult conversation to bring up, use this model to help you brainstorm.

What would a bulldozer do?

What would a doormat do?

What would a doormat with spikes do?

What would a pillar do?

And, of course, the most important question…

Which approach is most likely to get you what you want?