How can you have “the talk” about where the relationship is going without creating a negative experience?
First of all, you should. You absolutely should talk about where the relationship is going.
People often joke that men always bolt when women try to have a talk about commitment. However, this isn’t true. The truth is that most men who are emotionally mature enough to be worth your time will be glad to share expectations and hopes about the relationship.
You will get a quality guy when you help men to self-select (or unselect themselves). You can do this by courageously pursuing interactions that work well with quality men.
In other words, if you demand quality from a guy, he will either rise to the challenge (what quality men do) or act like you are demanding something unreasonable (what emotionally immature men do). Keep this in mind before discussing the relationship.
Yes, you will likely end up sifting through more potential partners this way, but in the end you will have wasted far less time (because you avoid long relationships that are going nowhere).
For now, allow me to offer you two pieces of advice that can be quite useful if you’re going to attempt “the talk” with a guy you’ve been seeing.
1. Approach the discussion while in a positive mood state before discussing the relationship. Talk about what you do want rather than what you don’t want.
2. Don’t expect him to be on the same page with you when discussing the relationship. Don’t let yourself get caught off guard by this. The simple fact is, men have a different timeline in their mind when it comes to relationships and commitment. At the point when you are thinking some sort of unspoken relationship has formed, he would be surprised to learn you already think of your interactions as “a relationship.”
Negativity and mismatched mental timelines for relationships often combine in a problematic way. The difference between your assumptions about the stage of the relationship and his assumptions about the relationship can create arguments (negativity). This creates a negative experience for men.
They walk away from the relationship because it creates a negative emotional experience. Men end up feeling blamed or disrespected for reasons they don’t understand. This can sometimes destroy a relationship before it even had a chance to get going.
So if you’re ready to talk about where things are going, let all expectations go and approach the discussion as nothing more than a short, considerate explanation of a few things you are hoping to find in a good relationship.
James Bauer
P.S. – If you felt like today’s post was valuable, my course is 100 times better, please check it out here, http://www.beirresistible.com/letter/
I just recently figured out the different timeline thing,it is quite scary.I used to fall in love like falling off a cliff,wholeheartedly with no strings,must say it mostly gave same results than jumping off a cliff,initial adrennalin followed by blinding pain.I have recently dicided to keep more boundries till I’m more certain of a man’s commitment,not when my heart thinks he is for real but until time has proven it.is this approach legitimate?some men get really offended by it it seems.
You get to decide your half of the equation and he decides his. It sounds like this method is within your comfort zone but also a thought-out method for reducing negative experiences while enhancing the positive. It won’t work for every person, but nothing works exactly the same on every single person, so that’s ok.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. It’s been a roller coaster dealing with mistrust from both sides, past negative experiences, and exes popping up. We’re at a more calm place in our life now, and are slowly building things back up. He mentioned us possibly moving in together a few times over the last year or so, but hasn’t solidified anything. Now he seems apprehensive about talking about the future. He says he loves me very much, and wants to enjoy our time together. He talks about us traveling together, but not really about us settling down. I feel we both have the same views on education, marriage, and children, so I don’t see why he seems uncomfortable to talk about our relationship? He just turned 30 this year and I turned 28. I’d like to be living together within the next year, and eventually a few years down the road, married. How do I have this talk with him, and really get him to open up. I feel like he only opens up on his terms, and there usually at the most odd times when he catches me off guard. How can I combat the “I don’t want to discuss anything serious right now.”
This is a complex issue, Dee. But I’ll give you a starting point. Start discussions that will allow you to learn what fears he has about discussing things. See if you can essentially communicate the fact that you want to know if he feels hesitant to talk about making plans for what the relationship could become in the future. Inviting him to discuss his hesitations will give you insight into what is blocking him or holding him back. Sometimes that discussion causes rapid progress right in the moment. Sometimes it acts more like a seed that brings value later on.
James
Thank you very much James.I just have to let go and move on.Even the bracelet i use to hold on to for our love,disappeared to tin air.During this problem,i held unto the bracelet for courage,i always tell myself that if the bracelet was missing,it means my relationship is ruined,and after six years of holding unto it,i cant find it anywhere,its all indication that i lost him and i must accept defeat.i have to move on.
Hi James,thanks for the advise.I have been into a six years relationship now.In the beginning,,it was easy and normal for us to discuss about commitments and what we wished for the future.Now he doesnt want to talk about anything in relation to commitment.so i dropped the topic for a longtime.But on the first of Jan,we were having a lovely moment of communication and i took it as an opportunity to ask him what does he think about us(our relationship)as far as the new year was concerned,and all he said was he cant give me an answer and i shouldnt persuade him.I happened to have picked up a job out of town and only come to town on weekends.Now,he is cheating on me with his X who of resent came into town because of work too,accidentally,i have met them twice and he chooses to go with the girl leaving me behind.But yet he denies to me he is not dating the girl.Since he careless about me now,i have given him the space he needs because he does not want to talk about it.Now,we no longer communicate at all.Should i just forget about him and move on,i love him very much and he knows i will always be there for him.This is the more reason i want to be happy and live life like nothing actually happened.In this way i will be able to over come the stress.Some friends say,strike back when the iron is still hot,and some say just let him be,give him the space that he needs and live life normally and be happy.But what if i loose him for
good-Sir,i need your advise to this
HI Fobella. Actions speak louder than words. You have asked him about his intentions for the relationship. But he has shown you his intention. His intention is to pursue the whim of the moment without regard for your emotion, loyalty, or even the basic human decency of letting you know clearly what he wants.
If you choose to continue a relationship with this man, it would be under those terms. I do not advise it.
Thank you so much for your advices, James. I am also in the battle of the confusing with the “relationship” that I am in. I also don’t know how to discuss “where are we going” and what the “commitment” means here. Does it just mean ” we are not seeing other people anymore?” or ” marriage?”
I am 47 and he is 59 (12 years different). We met online about 8 months ago. We saw each other from once a week to two or three times a week. He is a pilot and has an abnormal working schedule. He has never talked about “us”, or ever said ” I like you” or “I am so attracted to you….” something nice like that. Never said anything romantic like “I miss you”, or bought me any gift or even a flower… However, he did took his profile off from the dating site without saying anything….also brought me to meet his adult kids and their spouses, as well as his best friends and their wives. And he told me that all of his friends and their wives like me a lot and told him that I was a keeper….
So here I am with huge confusion. What his friends told him did not mean that’s what he thinks, am I right? Cause he has never told me how he thinks about me, or us, or our relationship…I don’t even know if we are in a relationship but I do know he is not seeing anyone else (neither do I). I wanted to open my heart for him but I am so afraid to get hurt again. I don’t know what to “ask” or “discuss” with him. Like you said, James, assumption is dangerous. Are we in a commitment relatioship? Or who am I to him? A friend with benefit? a girlfriend? or someone who he wants to have a relationship with? When he introduces me to his friends or whoever, he has never introduced me as his girlfriend but my name.
P.S. He threw a master degree gratuation dinner to his 24 year old son a week ago. Him, his son, his son’s fiancee, his fiancee’s parents and me. Six of us, had a very expensive dinner (over $1,000 ). It’s a family dinner, he said.
so….confusing….confusing…please help!
Hey Nancy. This is definitely something you will want to get to the bottom of (and soon). The level of personal information and strategy planning is perfect for the individualized coaching my team of relationship coaches offers, but it’s beyond the scope of what I can offer on this public blog. To learn about the private coaching option, go to the last item at the bottom of the page on our catalog of services, which you can find here.
You say “Talk about what you do want rather than what you don’t want,” but no where do you give any verbal examples of how to say this. Please give a few choice words as an example of what one wants where to even begin!
Hey Sue. Good comment. Here’s an example. Let’s say you want him to be more communicative. When you ask how his day was, he shrugs his shoulders and says, “Fine.” You ask what he did and he says, “Worked.” You feel this is holding you back from a level of intimacy you would like. The way many of us instinctively communicate is, “I wish you would stop giving me one-word answers. You never tell me anything real or substantial and that keeps me out of your life. I feel like you treat me like a stranger.” He gets defensive and shuts down even more. Now let’s look at saying this same thing in terms of what you do want:
“I’d like to know more about your day. It makes me feel good, kind of connected with you, when you tell me details, even silly stuff that doesn’t matter. Would you be willing to try an experiment with me where you try to tell me two-minutes worth of random details each day after work? I have a feeling you would gradually get used to it and that would make me really happy.”
Hi James,
I must say i love your comments on this site. Thanks for making us ladies unravel some of the mysteries of men. well am a 28 yr old lady just started seeing this seem to be great guy who is 36 yrs old for just over a month now but am a bit confused about what is between us.i just got out of a 5 yr relationship and looking for a great relationship that would lead to marriage.we have gone out on a couple of dates and he calls me every morning and night and chat throughout the day.
he has asked me questions about my past relationships and been open about lots of things but when i ask him about his past relationships he tells me he is not ready to talk about it and when the time is right he would let me know everything. At first i took it as just friendship because he talks to me about a lot of things and feels comfortable when around me or when he is down.he likes how i listen to him whenever he wants to talk. but then when he speaks to me he speaks to me like am his wife saying things like so when i get married to you or calls me by his last name telling me how many kids he wants and all that.our conversations are not casual i would say more like personal or like we in a serious relationship we have not been intimate as yet. he has asked me my kind of guy and just few weeks ago he told me he has started back on his weight training exercise since that is the kind of guy i like.and that he is doing that for me.
well the problem is he hasn’t told me what he wants from me and i do not know how to ask him without being too pushy. so i am taking my time and seeing other people.the other day i went out on another date and when he called me i text-ed him telling him i was out on a date and cannot speak to him right now and the reply i got from him was just ‘OK’.
The next day was my birthday and not even a hi did i get from him. i sent him a text just checking on him as usual and asked why i did not hear from him on my birthday then next day he calls in the morning apologizing that he actually forgot and mixed up the dates and he would love to make it up to me.he also said the reason he didn’t call that day even though he forgot it was my birthday was because of my text telling him i was out on a date with another guy and that he knows he has no right to be upset and could not express how my going out on other dates made him feel. but the truth he said was that he felt jealous and upset so i asked him why he got upset when it is not like he has asked me to be exclusive with him and his response was well that is true and he does not know how to explain what he felt and how would i feel if i called him up some night and he told me he was on a date.well i made him know i was not happy he did not call on my birthday but i hold no grudges against him.
we back to same old again just last night he called and told me his mum just came visiting.i could say he spends most of his free time with me either in person or on phone and because of his new job he hardly ever has spare time but once he gets home he is on the phone with me till he sleeps.so i really do not know what this guy wants.i do not want to push him away by asking him directly because he seems like a great guy and i seem to be developing some feelings for him but also i do not want to live in assumptions and stop dating others since my dating others upsets him so bad.do i just ignore him and move on with my life seeing others till i find what i am looking for in a relationship? and if he steps up his game well good or or do i ask him what he wants from me if just dating and friendship or if he is interested in a relationship with me and please how do i go about it without spoiling things. i would not mind being in a relationship with him i just feel some guys are complicated .do you think maybe he is a commitment or relationship phobe kind of guy?because he told me the longest relationship he has been on was a year.
Thank you your thoughts and advice would be much appreciated. looking forward to your candid opinion.
Hi Rose. Assumptions can be dangerous in a relationship with this much intensity. It sounds like he has all kinds of assumptions about you and your mutual future, and you have so little to go on (regarding his past and what this relationship really means to him) that you have no choice but to operate based on vague impressions and assumptions.
My advice is that you make an attempt to get a better understanding, even if that requires some direct questions. However, the method I suggest you use is one where you start by explaining the basics of the problem you just outlined here in this post. Then tell him you want the relationship to be the best it can be, so you are asking him to seriously consider that the benefits of sharing more about his past and future hopes may outweigh the hardship involved in discussing those topics.
Thank you james.i would do as you advised.
My husband and I separated and filed for divorce this year. It is not yet complete (waiting on lawyers) we have come to agreements on everything. We have been together 12 years married 6 and have three children. I was pregnant with our son when the split happened. He is a gamer. He met a 19 year old playing call of duty online. They exchange numbers names and photos the first time they spoke. I told him I was uncomfortable with this and asked that he erase her number. He told me he did, but in actuality he just gave her a male name. They texted inappropriately quite a bit. She also has a long term boyfriend and daughter. Anyway, he moved an hour away and has settled there. I sleep there alot, and we still have a sexual relationship. We have fun together and with our children. But he has a match.com account, and accounts on other fling sites. His family is unaware of our continuing to see one another. He won’t tell me what he is thinking or feeling and I am confused. I am still very much in love with him but I am unsure of things. Is he just using me? Or his nervous, like me to try again cause of the pain we caused on another? I want to stop the divorce and be a family again. How do I do this?
It sounds like you have made up your mind that despite his shortcomings, the relationship has more good than bad, and you want to repair it. Here’s what I propose.
Set some ground rules for a new relationship. Write them down and then do nothing with them for two days as you ponder how those expectations might play out in real life. Adjust as needed based on what insights come up for you. Next, think of the best way you can think of to describe the benefits (for him and you and your kids) of getting back together. Take that and put it in writing in a way that will be appealing to him.
Now combine the appealing reasons to get back together (first part) and the ground rules that would make it fun for both of you (this will be the second part) and give it to him with a request to respond within two weeks if it is something he would consider. Invite him to offer changes and suggestions at the end of your letter. Then, try not to act “weird” after giving it to him. Just go on like usual. There is a sad possibility that he likes it better the way things are, where he can have fun with you but without a commitment. Make sure he understands that one of the ground rules for repairing the relationship would be exclusivity.
Thanks. I know I am taking a chance that things could not go how I would like them too. I will take your suggestions and see hoe it goes. I am hoping he will see that this other girl ,essentially still a teenager has nothing on the women he almost lost…ME 🙂
Hi James, I Have been reading your comments and think you give some great advice. I have commented on another blog which you have replied to and im thinking hard about my answer. Now in regards to relationship talks.. My ex male 34 scared of commitment which I respect his decision if he wants to be single that is fine, I would never want someone to be with me if their heart is not in it completely.
The last time we went out on a date I suppose some would call it that was 8 weeks ago..He called me to catch up as he previously told me 3 weeks earlier that we should only be friends. I respected his wished and left him alone. So we went out for the day which quickly turned into night. Like usual we had a great time and time went by easily we talked, laughed, saw some people out that we used to talk to when we were “together’. As it approached dinner time I told him I was going to head home he was having a good time and for him to stay and we would catch up again soon. He then told me he didn’t want me to go he wanted me to stay. I asked him why, he then said I was his ground, his anchor the person he would always come back to. For a women this is quite confusing, I don’t want to be with anyone else and im sure he knows this. Is this his way of telling me to wait for him that he does want a relationship with me but just not right now. Is he playing games by telling me this. He told friends of mine that night he loved me (which he swore them to secrecy) they told him to sort it out. 1 week later I told him not to contact me again which I have previously told you about on another blog (Jana – Planting Seeds). If he commited to me I would take him back in a heartbeat but am I wasting my time and energy. Am I being selfish wanting someone that makes me so happy when we are together, what if he isn’t as happy with me as I am with him. What benifit would he get from faking happiness when we are together, unless he is a narsisist.
Hi James
I hope you can please give me your advise. I met a guy in a conference a few months ago but we both live in different cities. It was obvious that we like each other and spent the next day of the conference together (meeting up for lunch or during breaks). Since I had one day to spare in his city then we decided to spend some time together. He was sweet, caring and a gentleman with me. He showed me his city and took me to his fav spot, a beautiful look out followed by a nice dinner. We made out but we didn’t have sex that night. The next day I had to return home and he dropped me off to the airport and he told me that he had a wonderful time with me and wanted to get to know me better. He asked me if he could see me again so we talked about him coming up to see me which at that point I was not sure about since I didn’t want a long distance relationship. We kept in touch often for up to a month and then I stopped any contact with him since he postponed his visit due to his work commitments. It was disappointing and I assumed he was just not that into me for not coming up to see me. So we slowly lost contact.
However, I had to return to his city last weekend for work and a week prior of me coming down I dropped him a short email just saying that I was going to be in his town for work and to let me know if he was free to catch up for coffee. We replied the next day, saying hat he was happy to hear my news and asked me out for dinner and also invited me to go hiking since we both love to be outdoors. We kept in touch everyday prior of me coming down and he planned a beautiful and romantic weekend for us, we went hiking, and showed me where he works etc. We both had a wonderful time together and I slept with him the first night we met up since it felt nice and right. He mentioned that it is sad I have to leave so soon and wish we were living in the same city. This time he didn’t say about meeting up again though so I told him that it’d be nice to meet up again and go hiking again etc which he agreed but he mentioned that he didn’t know when he could afford to take time off since he has deadlines to meet until the end of the month. So he proposed for us to meet up half way through next month. The night I was leaving he gave me a green stone necklace which he said he bought it because he found it to be a very beautiful and unique green stone, and put it on me. He told me that he wanted me to have it so I could think of him.
He texted me a few times for a few days and last time I have heard from him was 5 days now. I know he is super busy with his work from what I gathered from my visit to his workplace but I think he can surely spare a few minutes to contact me. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so keen on him and be the one having to ask when we will meet again. I am finding it hard not to think that he just wanted a ‘fun’ weekend with me. What should I do? Should I keep waiting until he contacts me?
Your thoughts and advice would be much appreciated!
E
He Elena. In my training materials I explain the concept of “romantic tension,” which is only possible when there are two people mutually pursuing each other. At this point, you have taken steps to show interest. Now it’s his turn. If he lets the opportunity pass, I would advise you to let him go and seek a man who will take a relationship seriously.
Hi James
Thank you very much for your response. I totally agree with you. He finally texted a few days ago but I haven’t responded yet and will see what he does next. However, I am very inclined to follow your advise and just let him go with good karma. Simply take this experience as a reminder to keep being strong and never compromise my self-respect again. Thank you very much for your great advice once again. E
Elena, I would say “do not play silly games”. I know that it is difficult to keep a long-distance thing going, and as you say he is very busy. But he has contacted you again now, and if you just “play it cool” he will think you are not interested – silly games. Men are just as worried, scared and cautious about getting hurt, you know. He gave you a necklace, for goodness sake – what a lovely gesture. Keep the channels of communication open. What have you got to lose by doing that? You have far more to lose if you let him go forever. Sometimes we let our bruised ego get in the way of common sense. Do not do that. Just “Keep Calm and Carry On”, as they say. Good luck!! Lorna
PS – You say YOU stopped contacting him because he had to cancel coming to see you because of work commitments. A typical case of “bruised ego”. And you are “assuming” and second-guessing what he is thinking. Don’t do it!! You have no idea what he is thinking – do not assume. It seems to me that a lot of the trouble here is your sense of insecurity!! Am I right? If so, work on that! Lorna
Hi James,
This came to me with perfect timing, as this is the stage I am at. We are long distance and have been seeing each other for 6 months. We talk every day, see each other when I return (monthly) & have been intimate. The last time I was there he introduced me to his 8y/o son. I really enjoy being with him and feel myself falling for him.
I’ve been trying to figure out what to say to understand what he wants & see what he thinks about “where this is going”, without sounding needy or as if I am pressuring him.
What is a good way to open that conversation without pushing him away?
Regards,
Hello, J. Keep it short and focus on explaining what you hope to find in the future. If he reciprocates, that’s great! If not, let it go for now as six months may not be long enough for him to feel he knows for sure if he is ready to promise you his future. As I said in the article: “if you’re ready to talk about where things are going, let all expectations go and approach the discussion as nothing more than a short, considerate explanation of a few things you are hoping to find in a good relationship.” After doing that, just be friendly and relaxed. Don’t sit in silence as if waiting for him to do the same. Just let him process that. He might reciprocate with his own thoughts days or even weeks later. If things are really enjoyable right now there is no rush.
Thanks James!
I’m not jumping that far ahead yet. lol. I’m not trying to get him to promise his future. I just want to know if he is wanting to “keep things casual,” or if he sees me as something more, as we have never talked about anything like that. I don’t want to push him away, but I also want to be with someone who wants more than a casual relationship with me.
Since we’ve never talked about relationships before, I’m very apprehensive about how to initiate that conversation, or what to say to start it, as we’ve both been divorced. I’m not even sure how he feels about relationships all together.
I agree, don’t need to hear a definitive answer immediately. But, if I am what he wants, I would at least like to see us progress a little bit.
I’v was seeing this guy back in january for a couple months I was very reluctant to go out with him becasue he was fresh out of a divorce, he convinced me that he was ready for a relationship, so I stopped seeing the other guy I was dating and a after that he disappered. I was confused and devistated. I started seeing a new guy and as soon as I was over him and moved on and started dating a new guy he has reapeared again, he always wins me back and now that I have stoped seeing the other guy for him he has stopped texting and calling, even after he told me a couple weeks ago he was ready to date me and for me to mat his children we went out with all his friends which he never wanted to do before. I am so confused, I invited him to do things this past weekend and he declined. I want to tell him I’m done, but am having a hard with how to do it. I truly know he is no good for me. But my heart wants to be with him, I’ve never been this needy. I’m usually very good at saying how I feel, but when I’m around him I feel so silly when I talk to him about us. He has had a very hard time with his divorce. I feel bad for him in that situation and she screws with his head all the time. Am I wasting my time? I feel like I’m chasing someone, and that’s not like me at all.
Hello James.. I am wondering if you can give me some advice. I met someone on-line. We went out and although I was hesitant, he pursued me completely and tirelessly to the point where he convinced me that we should be together. We were together, in an exclusive relationship, for 3 months. He pushed the relationship forward the entire time. He asked me out, called me, texted me, brought me flowers, took me out. Then asked me to be his girlfriend. He deleted his dating profiles once we started being exclusive, introduced me to his friends and family, including his children. We talked about moving in together, engagement, and marriage. He was the one who brought up all of those topics. He made me a key to his apartment – without me asking for it. One week after giving me a key to his place, he broke up with me. IT has been about 3 weeks since the break-up. We have seen each other once – because I wanted to talk about what happened. We exchanged a few text messages, all initiated by me. I want him back and I don’t know how to go about it. We have both been single for 3 years. We both dated, but getting together with each other was our 1st actual exclusive relationship. He told me that he thought he was ready for a relationship, but he isn’t – he isn’t ready to give up his freedom, or be accountable to anyone. I am extremely hurt because he was the one that pursued me, convinced me to trust him, and he was the one that pushed the relationship forward in terms of the seriousness level, then just broke it off. is there a chance for a real relationship here? How do I get him back? I feel like I said one wrong thing, it reminded him of his bad marriage (he was married for 10 years, then divorced, single for 3 years when I met him), and everything got out of hand…
Hi, Maria. I am sorry to hear about this painful situation. If you are right (meaning he is over-reacting to a psychological trigger of past pain) you should stick around and wait for the fear-based thinking to ebb in his mind. Give him some time and space to feel your absence, but at the same time try to reach out to him once per week or twice per week in a non-invasive way. Be patient and present the way he was with you in the beginning. If nothing changes automatically within 5 weeks, write him a letter describing how your heart became attached to him and what you think the future could be like for the two of you. This is a start that will hopefully get you moving in the right direction. Winning an ex-back can be a complicated process. It can be done.
Wow, Maria, your situation sounds a little similiar to mine. How are you guys doing now?
Hi Maria,
If It was you, I would start with returning his apartment key and saying that you both are Not ready for the relationship. You have to be able to give up this relationship, not just faking it, he will feel your willingness to move on and would be able to realize, if he wants you back. If it is just you who want it back, it is not enough. He also has to realize it, or let you go. Otherwise you will end up by chasing him again and again.
I understand how hard it is for you to go through it now.
Im also in a tricky situation here. I am 32 and had a relationship of 14 years with my ex-boyfriend, engagement and all that. Last year we broke up, of course some things still hurt but I know that eventually I will get better. It has been already one year, I worked extensively on myself, on forgiving things, etc and I thought I would be ready for a relationship. I had a few dates, but no one that really interested me in a long run. Recently I met a guy from a dating site, he does not live in the same city as me, but we talk for hours and had a lot of fun together. The chemistry is amazing and we already spent 3 whole weekends with each other, which is a lot considering that we have known each other for 1.5 months. The problem is he is 36, never had a serious relationship (the longest was 14 months) and one of these people that REALLY need some space after a while (I guess this can also be explained by the fact that this guy has always been alone, more or less). He seems to be alternating between hot and cold towards me and what really bothers me is that a few days after he left he logged in the dating site. It really makes me upset because at the same time that he seems confortable and happy when he is with me he is still looking for something else. How should I approach this?
Hello, tk. In this situation, I think it would be best for you to do very little to pursue a relationship with him. Give him the space he seems to need and see if his interest in finding a life partner is strong enough for him to seek you out and pursue things further. If not, he is not ready for a committed relationship, so it would be a waste of your time and energy to pursue him. If he does pursue you, he will be showing a motivation and willingness that means you should give him more time and practice with unlearning his bachelor lifestyle.
I’ve been seeing a guy since January. He was fresh out of a divorce and I was very hesitant about going out with him but he was very persistent we started dating for a couple months then he had more divorce stuff come up here was happy in a hard time with so he asked for space and time to take care of these things. I had become very attracted to him by this time so it hurt. I started dating other people for a couple months, then one night he came to the restaurant where I work part time and wanted to talk. So we kinda started seeing each other again but online at his time and my house. I found out he was on match and seeing other people, so it made me feel stupid. I have not stopped dating other people and told him I couldn’t just do all this again. So two days ago he came over and said he was ready to be in a relationship with me.. Am I supposed to just jump or what? I still very much care for him but I’m afraid he will just disappear again. Please help.
Hi Selinia. There are some ways to approach this that are less “all or nothing.” I believe you have the right to ask him to approach you with persistence because of your fears of being dropped suddenly again. If you communicate this carefully and with compassion, he will have a choice. He can either pursue you over time, recognizing the need to build a measure of trust with you, or he can go look for someone else if all he wants is a quick fix to temporary feelings of loneliness.
Thanks for your advice..perhaps deep down I really don’t want a serious relationship yet..there have been a few times when I have talked about my spouse to my “friend” and explained that we really loved each other..he said he understood and told me that it didn’t bother him .i don’t ever call him, he is the one to ask or set things up..maybe I’m too willing to be around when he asks me out! Sometimes I wonder if all this is really worth it! We’ve been seen each other for only 2 mths. What to do??
Yeah, it sounds like you are not looking for a serious relationship. In that case, spend some time thinking about what you DO want. You cannot work toward a healthy relationship that meets your needs when you have not yet taken the time to figure out what your needs are at this point in your life. Spend some time thinking about it. Journaling really helps with this kind of thing.
I am a widowed woman of 59 yrs.old. I recently started seeing a 59 yr. old divorcee. He works away but is home for the weekend.we live In rural towns 20 mins. apart. He calls me on tues. and on his way home he has started to stop in on his way home for the weekend ..for sex!! Then if he has no plans with his grown children he will call me up to spend some time fishing or some outdoors activity which I enjoy, he has never mentioned dating exclusively, he has a good job and is ready to retire next year and has made the comment to me that he wasn’t looking for anyone beta cause he was happy the way his life was going..but now he says he was lonesome..I do enjoy spending time together, and I know that I need to live for the present and not always focus on the future..tell me what you think about our “relationship”.
Hi Gloria. I think the quality of your relationship depends on whether you are enjoying his company and feeling cherished and respected in all of these various forms of interaction. Relationships tend to follow fewer standards or “rules” so to speak for people in your situation and age range. After reading your message I found myself wondering if perhaps there was a bit of guilt or something. Do you need to give yourself permission to go ahead with this new relationship? Perhaps you should think about what you would really like when it comes to relationships and then evaluate whether this man is meeting your needs and expectations. If not, don’t be afraid to set boundaries and tell him what you want and need if things are to move forward.
I believe the “norm” is that women want to know where a dating situation is going because they are often faced with assertive men who want the “relationship” to be a sexually physical one too soon. As the “stats” seem to go, men are often not as selective in who they sleep with……(although it is always more exciting if she is very attractive)…… because of so called genes that have carried over from pre-historic times. These scientific facts seem to indicate that the male brain alone seeks change and variety…..although I suspect many women would dispute this as modern life has evolved and women have more choices, too. So it is reasonable and smart that a woman would want to discuss and understand more about her date before proceeding further should she be interested in a long term, mature relationship. A woman uses the “relationship” information to make smart choices should she decide to continue dating a man. I have found that it is interesting that men often rush to judgement that women quickly fall “in love” or want a committment from them sooner than the men do, I guess it’s the male ego!) when it is often NOT the case…,.but then again, it is correct in many instances especiallly if a woman is in the phase of her life when she wants to marry and start a family. I also think what might be helpful here is that you more clearly define the term “relationship”…..I guess when you write about it as a relationship coach, you mean “relationship” as in a romantic one? Actually, as women, we have many types of relationships…….friends, family, children, business associates, neighbors and romantic ones….and it means “relating” to another human being and it doesn’t necessarily mean narrowing in too soon where his commitment level is. It takes time to get to know someone. I do want to say, though, that your articles are insightful, James, and very good for helping to bridge the male/female relationship gaps. Thanks!
Yes! good point, I have found men seem to think I want a relationship- when really I my just taking a look see to see if they are what I’m looking for.
I think it does have something to do with the male ego.
I’ve had some men start with the relationship talk stuff early on – to be honest I see it as a red flag. They are just saying things they thing I want to hear. They just want to waste my time with serial monogamy in exchange for sex.
Trying to get my message across to one hard headed man, I point blank told him I need a “relationship” like I need a hole in my head, right now.
That is an interesting view – that men have different timelines for relationships than women. I am a woman and on a few occasions when I was dating in my twenties and early thirties, had the experience of men wanting to get serious in the relationship soon – sooner than I was ready. They were the ones to bring it up. So, I’m not quite sure that the “norm” is that women are always the ones to want to get serious sooner…I have not had that experience. I am currently married to one of those men.
Interesting comments, Shan. The “norm” is that men want to take the commitment aspect slowly, but the norm just means “most” and certainly not all. There are always people who do not fit the “average” mold and there will always be people who experience statistically unlikely events like you have.
The norm also seems to be that men want to get sexually intimate before women are emotionally ready, or before the men are seeking commitment. It’s important to know clearly what you want before becoming lovers. It’s often recommended to stay away from full sexual involvement until you know him well enough to know if YOU want to go exclusive with him; if he won’t wait, he may not be for you, unless you truly only want a roll in the hay.
We women have more power than we sometimes think. We are always free to walk away if our needs are not being met. We do well to learn our own emotional management.
Oh so true. At the time of my current involvement my mind set was to create my own “stable of stallions” so to speak. Well one in particular has touched me deeply and doesn’t want commitment. He did lie on his profile of wanting a relationship. So now we’re at the zero sum part and I’m dealing with the emotional roller coaster of prying myself out of it. Back to the horses.
Well said, Rosie. It’s been my experience men believe in the “3 date rule”, but women may not be ready after just 3 dates. When I am ready for sexual intimacy, it’s because I want to be exclusive with this guy and I state that. I also state I expect him to be exclusive and if he balks at that, then I let him go. I’m looking for a long term monogamous relationship, not a “fling”. Been there, done that.
I am from South Africa, and although I wanted to buy your course, I can’t seem to do it from here. I have an interesting question though, on the timeline theory. I couple of months back I met a man who wanted a relationship almost immediately. Now, not being so young anymore and bitten a few times, I went in, what I shall call “panic mode”. I thought it was way too fast, not what I wanted at the time, pushed into something I didn’t really want at the time. I was not willing to get out from behind my wall and open my heart just yet. I shot him down on several occasions, telling him he pushed me into a relationship I didn’t want. Yet, he stuck around and I still see him every day. We chat every day, although not as often as we used to. (Which, to a point, I found irritating, because my work all but consumed my life). Somewhere between though, and I suppose because he stuck around through all my cold shoulder, I did open my heart. I am now ready for a relationship with this man. Problem is, I now told him so and he does not seem as eager as I thought he would be. He now wants to take it slowly and one day at a time. Because I neglected him to work so often, he started chatting up other women and pulling away from me. I think it is a bit irrational on my part to now be a little jealous of the attention he is giving his chat buddies, as I wasn’t really giving him attention. It is still me that he comes to every day and that he spends most of his free time with. Is it now safe to assume that he somehow still loves me and that he is just worried that I might change my mind and push him away again? Or did I really push him too far away to ever get him to say he loves me, if he still does? He remains considerate in all aspects, and would do something I need doing but can’t do myself, immediately before going about his own things. Tonight, for instance, he had to attend a meeting, but my geyser broke and I have no hot water. He put a tremendous amount of time and effort into making sure that I will be able to have a hot bath before he left…
Hi Janine. There is a chance that he may have different feelings about you now because of the experience of being “shot down.” We enter relationships because of the way they make us feel about ourselves (in addition to the love we feel for the other person). It may be that he feels a little bit less like a desirable man in your presence because of his past experience with you. That can shut down a person’s excitement about a relationship.
But that does not mean there’s no hope. The solution is to change the way he feels in your presence. Focus on the interpersonal experience he has with you. How does he want to perceive himself in the context of a romance? Does he want to feel desirable? Does he want to seem like a capable leader? It seems that his acts of service for you would suggest he does want that kind of self-perception. Build on that. Encourage it. Then give the romance time to flourish.
The topic of being friends but sexual involved comes to mind.We do everything couples do without the title.He tried dating other women then comes back to me when it doesn’t work out.I feel it is because he still has some playing to do.Its obvious we have strong feelings for each other we have been talking on and off for four years.We have met each others friends,kids and some family memebers.Maybe shouldn’t say we but just stating what each of us has did together.Will this ever turn into a real relationship?I don’t want to apply pressure and go with the flow.We just started back talking after ten months apart our longest ever.HELP.
Hi Mimi. This is a good question with a fairly complicated answer. I address the ways you can get a man to commit using standards that do not pressure him (but rather alert him to his choices) in one of the training briefs that comes with the “What Men Secretly Want” course available on our catalog here.
Hi I hope have someone good heart and good man
Four years? You have deprived some wonderful guy (worthy of you and your love) out there the privilege of being with you for four years? You sound–forgive my honesty–so needy : / …Take two glasses of self esteem and call JBauer in the morning?
Truly u guys love each other but his problem is solely commitment which he’s scared of. And going with the flow you make him feel it’s alright with you when it’s not. And he knows there is something special about you that makes him come back, or maybe your the plan B, if his priorities aren’t in line with yours, it’s either you move on or make the best outta d flow
I suggest something between you let him know his choices (like James said), and an ultimatum. Tell him that if he leaves you again there is no coming back, not even as just a friend, that you have feelings and they are being hurt. If he ends up leaving again than he is not what you want anyway, do not accept him back when he comes again!