Men hate being wrong.
It’s a stereotype, but it’s often the truth.
Think of all the ways a man can mess up in a relationship.
He can fail to buy the gift you really wanted for your birthday.
He can fail to say what you really needed to hear when you were upset.
He can fail to do that important thing you were relying on him for.
And he knows it.
He knows there are many, many ways he can mess up.
When he messes up and you call him out on it, what he hears (even though it’s not what you said) is that he’s failed.
He failed at being a good boyfriend. He failed at making you happy.
When a man fails enough, he decides there’s no point. Why bother trying, if it will never be good enough?
For you, that response doesn’t make any sense.
If the tables were turned and he told you that you were doing something wrong, you’d feel bad but you’d also be glad he told you, because now you can fix it.
Some men won’t tell you, though. They know it would upset you. They’d rather put up with it than say something and make you feel bad.
And secretly they wish you’d do the same.
But you know that relationships depend on honest communication.
You need to tell each other how you feel. Especially if one of you is upsetting the other person or letting them down.
Aren’t relationships about learning how to be there for each other and work together?
Because so many couples struggle with this issue, let’s take a look at what you can do when he’s let you down.
You needed him to do something, and he didn’t do it.
How can you talk to him about it without making him defensive?
Try these 3 tips…
Tip #1. Allow Him to Save Face
When you see that your guy didn’t do something he promised you he’d do, what’s the first thought that goes through your mind?
Is it, “He didn’t do this, so it’s clear he doesn’t care about me or care about the relationship”?
That’s certainly how it feels.
But jumping to that conclusion can turn a simple mistake into a serious argument.
Do you want to get into that argument with him?
Or do you just want to get him to do what he promised?
If your goal is to get him to do what he promised, then don’t make this about the relationship or his commitment to you. Make sure your words aren’t laced with disappointment.
Instead, let him save face.
Assume it was a simple mistake, and give him a second chance to be your hero.
You can say something like:
“I don’t think I communicated this properly, but would you do X for me? It needs to be done by tomorrow. I apologize if I didn’t make that clear before.”
Tip #2. Use His Preferred Communication Style
Your guy is watching a game on TV. You ask him if he’d pick some things up at the store. He says, “Sure.”
That night, you open the fridge. You don’t see the groceries you asked him to buy. You ask him whether he went to the store.
You see red when he answers, “No. Why? Did you want me to?”
Incredibly frustrating, right?
But let’s take a step back and examine what’s going on here.
For communication to occur, two things need to happen.
- You need to say something.
- He needs to hear and process what you said.
You may only feel responsible for the first part. You know that it’s up to you to tell him what you need.
Surely it’s his job to take care of the second part. He needs to pay attention to you.
But great communicators know their words are wasted air unless their audience is receiving them.
You can shout as loud as you want, but if a brass band is playing, few people will catch what you’re saying.
And a man engrossed in a game may not hear you no matter how clearly you’re speaking.
Here’s a better way of making sure he’s getting what you have to say.
Ask him this:
“When I need you to do something, what’s the best way to communicate that?”
Would he prefer you write it on a note and hand it to him?
Would he prefer you send him a text so it’s on his phone?
Would he prefer you hang up a whiteboard and write the tasks for the week on it?
Tip #3. Remove Obstacles
Of course you get irritated when you notice he didn’t do what you asked.
But maybe there was a reason.
Maybe something got in his way.
Perhaps he didn’t put his dirty laundry into the hamper because the hamper was in the bathroom and someone was in there.
Perhaps he didn’t put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher because the dishwasher was full of clean dishes.
Instead of harshly judging him for failing to follow through, ask him what happened with curiosity.
Is there a reason he couldn’t do it?
Is there something you can do to make it easier for him next time?
This is an example of systems thinking. Organizations use this type of thinking to spot weak points in their work flows.
You can use systems thinking by looking for any obstacles that could be blocking him from doing what he promised.
Sometimes making a few simple adjustments—like moving the laundry hamper to the bedroom—is all that’s needed.
Soon, instead of catching him doing something wrong, you’ll be thanking him for remembering.
Well I do agree with making sure that you are being heard, because it has been proven that women have a tendency to think of multiple things at once which is why we are good multitaskers whereas the majority of men put things in pockets they focus on one thing and then when that thing is done they focus on the next thing. So no telling them what you need while they’re in the middle of watching a game or fixing the car or whatever it is that they’re doing if they’re focused on something then that’s not a good time to talk. However if men want to be seen as the provider the protector and the hero then they need to stop acting like we have to bend over backwards as women to make sure they understand what we need. When I tell or should I say told my ex-husband after finding out that he had been lying and disrespecting me etc, that he needed to do something to show me that I was special. I said that several times I gave him several ideas and I told him I really didn’t care what it was I just needed him to do something to show me that I was the first person that he wanted to make happy. And he refused. I’m not going to sit there and baby it when he screwed up, he’s lied, he’s disrespected me, he’s made me feel like second choice and then turn around and baby him to get him to do what I need him to do. I will call him on it because if I don’t call him on it then it’s going to fester inside me and it’s not going to do anything but make it worse. If men want to be the hero the provider and the protector then they should be strong enough to own when they mess up and they should be able to hear criticism. In that same respect during that period of time I asked him several times to criticize me tell me what I’m doing wrong because I want to fix it. You don’t have to sugarcoat it You don’t have to have the right words for it just tell me however it is that you’re feeling that I need to change. And it was always responded to You don’t need to do anything it’s all me. But yet I waited a year for him to show me that what he said is what he actually believed because if he believed it was all him he would have made an effort to make me feel special. Because the criticism, the telling him what he had done and how it had made me feel would have been met with an understanding heart and if he didn’t know what to do to fix it he could have said what can I do to fix it? Basically what you’re saying is men want to be the strong silent type provider protector and hero but you need to treat him like a child so that they can be that way because they have to feel that way before they’ll actually be that way. To me that’s just ludicrous to even say that.
Interesting. First of all, I choose my moments if I have something to tell him, to make sure I have his undivided attention. If he’s watching football or hockey or whatever, it’s not then.
Secondly, I think a lot of women view men as like women with different plumbing. In other words, they expect their men to behave like we do…ain’t gonna happen. The quicker we learn that & understand how that affects our interactions, the happier we can be.
Poor poor men, being victimised by unreasonable women. I don’t buy any of this where you make excuse after excuse. Yes, clear communication is vital. But pleeeease, give us women some credit.
This is the first time I have disagreed with one of your posts James. Look at the statistics on housework and division of labour.
If a man doesn’t respect a woman enough to do his fair share, please don’t simply say it’s the way the woman goes about it, and her communication style.
Give us a break…
I was thinking the exact same thing! My beloved usually claims he didn’t hear me ask/tell/remind him, he forgot (adult, much?) Or he never said he would do it. Telling us to talk to them like children is insulting, I feel. Like you said, usually John is spot on, but this one misses the mark for me as well.
I think what you said in the whole first part is great and true, men are different than women and take things differently and that is good for those if it’s who want to be with men… We don’t want them to be like our lady friends though most can’t tell by the way when act about mens responses… It’s so sad honestly that the way when are raised to be is repellent to men but what’s even said or is that even a lot of times when they’re given the right information they choose to not use it and to stick to their old ways that don’t work instead. The part of the article that you kind of lost me on is I assumed you were talking about just regular promises in general not like household chores and I feel like the suggestions sort of laying on the side of being your husband’s mother Rather than his wife or woman and no man finds his mother sexually attractive for sure and they just don’t think their moms are hot like that. I guess that the way I see it is the women shouldn’t be making themselves the boss of all of the household chores and they certainly should not be bossing their men around and deciding what towards are going to do or telling him to put their laundry in the hand for anything like that. It’s absolutely gross and no wonder they feel like they’re parenting their husbands because they are and their husbands feel parented and are no longer attracted to them like why would they be. I think that expressing your desires to a man is such a good option expressing them without any orders or demands attached like they’re grown men and they’ve been taking care of themselves and keeping themselves alive for however long before you met them you know! And the ladies in these comments are just outrageous like give me a break they want to be mothers to man it sounds like I don’t know or they want them to be women I don’t know ❤️It’s just sad that so many women take on the mother responsibility to their husbands this or boyfriends this second that they become an item and it’s really sad that most girls are raised that way!! The setup for a major and clearly ongoing issue.
Your suggestions sound similar to intelligent child rearing techniques. They are effective, but some women are fed up with the fragile egos of men who must be approached as big
children.
Again. I agree with you completely. I’m not talking to a 50 year old man like a 12 year old to enable him to continue acting like a 12 year old!? How does this benefit anyone?
Bingo Nonny!