Barbara needed my advice.
She explained that she was dating a wonderful man. They were both in their sixties. They both had adult children and he ran his own business, so they couldn’t see each other as often as they’d like.
Recently she’d started to wonder if he was losing interest in her.
He didn’t call as much. The time they did spend together lacked the excitement and passion of their early dates.
She could tell it was cooling off, and so she bit the bullet and asked if he still wanted to be together.
Of course he did! He liked having her in his life.
She wasn’t as reassured as she thought she’d be. Yes, he said he still wanted to be with her, but he “liked having her in his life”? That was it?
It wasn’t the passionate declaration of love she’d hoped for.
She talked to her friends, and they didn’t think he seemed that into her. “You deserve someone who’s head-over-heels for you,” they told her.
“What do you think, James?” she asked me. “Is the writing on the wall?”
Why Asking for Reassurance Doesn’t Always Work
It can be disappointing when you want the man you love to fight for you.
You’ve thrown down the gauntlet. “Do you still love me?”
And what does he do? Does he rise to the challenge and swear his undying love?
No, he does not. He pats you on the back and tells you not to worry.
Infuriating!
Let’s take a step back and look at the big picture.
Romantic stories have taught us to expect grand declarations of love.
At the climactic moment when love is put to the test, the hero comes through with a beautiful speech that proves his heart has always been hers.
Real-life men can’t compete with fictional heroes.
They’re not all that great at speech-making. They’d rather you just trust them.
Some men even find that question—“Do you really love me?”—offensive. They snap back, “I’m with you, aren’t I?”
Questioning his love may not be the best way to get you the reassurance you crave. There’s a better approach, and it goes like this…
Turn Up The Heat
If your relationship feels like it’s cooling off, what do you do?
You warm it up!
Relationships naturally go through warmer and cooler periods.
It’s impossible to sustain the high energy of those first few months in love forever. At some point, life is going to have to start getting back to normal.
You’re going to have less time together. You may both have work, family, and other commitments you’ve postponed while you were busy falling for each other.
He won’t be able to maintain the same passion and intensity while he’s trying to juggle this new relationship with other obligations.
Instead of confronting him, create little opportunities to connect and enjoy each other.
When he responds positively to these “tests,” you’ll know that he still loves you just as much as ever.
Test #1.
Be Playful
When it seems like your relationship is struggling, of course you think you need to have a serious conversation. You’re worried.
But sometimes that serious conversation backfires. It makes the relationship a source of stress to him.
So try this first. Be playful with him.
Challenge him to a silly contest. Watch funny videos. Joke around. Tease each other. Play a game together.
If he’s playful with you back, it’s a good sign that your relationship is still going strong. We tend to allow ourselves to let down our guard and be playful only around someone we really trust.
Test #2.
Flirt
Sometimes men stop initiating intimacy because they’re stressed and preoccupied.
If you’re worried that he’s losing interest, flirt with him and see how he responds.
Be bold. Tell him something you find attractive about him. Dare to send a flirtatious text. Enjoy affectionate bantering.
A man who’s into you will appreciate you taking the lead. He’ll respond with enthusiasm and flirt right back.
Test #3.
Be Affectionate
Sometimes men know they’re letting you down by not being available as much as you want. They feel guilty, and they get defensive.
If your guy seems to have closed down on you, try this. Let your body communicate what your words can’t.
A simple touch on the arm, a kiss, a cuddle on the sofa, or an admiring glance can help him drop out of his head and back into the comfort of your love.
Being affectionate shows him that you still love him, want him, and enjoy him, even if he’s been grumpy. So the next time your relationship seems to have cooled down, don’t worry just yet. See if you can warm it up with playful, flirtatious, and/or affectionate behavior. His positive response will be the reassurance you need.
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