Zoey opened up her online dating app to see the message: “Send pics.”
She was mystified. What ever happened to hello?
She took a look at the man who was messaging her. He seemed decent.
So she wrote back to him: “If you look at my profile, you’ll see my pics.”
She was quite pleased with the pictures she’d uploaded. She’d carefully selected them so that there was a mixture of close-ups and full-body shots.
A few minutes later, she got her reply.
“Not those,” he wrote. “These.”
And he attached an example of the type of picture he meant.
She almost gagged.
Why Can’t Guys SLOW DOWN?
Things move fast online.
TOO fast.
Some men expect to sext before you’ve even met in person.
Online dating has changed our dating norms.
There’s an illusion of abundance. With so much choice, it’s hard to settle.
If there’s not instant chemistry on that first date, there’s unlikely to be a second.
For men and women who take time to warm up to people…
Who prefer to get to know someone before making a decision about them…
Online dating can feel overwhelming and frustrating.
Everyone is making snap judgments about everyone else.
It seems like all anyone is interested in is whether you’re hot and you’ll jump in bed.
Is there a way to slow things down?
Why Men Move Fast
Many men struggle with the pressures of online dating, too.
They’ve been led to believe that women want a virile, assertive alpha male who goes straight in for the kiss.
But many guys have a hard time performing on that first date. They get nervous. They feel awkward.
They’re hoping for a second date so they have a chance to do it over and show what great company they can be when they’re not paralyzed by nerves.
But when they ask her if she’d like to see them again, they’re met with the same reply:
“You’re a really nice person, but I just don’t feel that way about you.”
They’ve been Friend-Zoned.
The reason that many men get sexual so fast is because they’re terrified of the Friend Zone.
They’ve been taught a myth about women. They’ve been told that women divide men into two categories:
- Men she’d possibly sleep with, if the conditions were right, and
- Friends.
According to this myth, a woman will never sleep with a guy she considers a friend. It simply will NOT happen.
So when a woman tells a man, “You seem nice—maybe we could hang out platonically and see where it goes?” he doesn’t hear that she wants to move slowly.
He hears her saying that he’s been Friend-Zoned.
In other words, he has no chance with her.
It’s over.
If a man perceives that you’ve Friend-Zoned him, he’ll stop trying with you.
He’ll assume you’re not interested.
But, oftentimes, you ARE interested!
You just want to take it slow.
What can you do?
3 Steps to Slow Things Down
The first step is to feel good about your right to get to know someone before becoming intimate.
You don’t have to apologize for your boundaries. If a guy drops you like a hot potato because you won’t send him sexy pics, he wasn’t the catch he appeared to be.
The second step is to make a conscious choice to look for guys who want to get to know you as a person. How do you know? He’ll be interested in your life, your hobbies, and your dreams.
This kind of guy may not catch your attention as fast as the flirt who compliments every facet of your appearance and tells you how much he’s fantasizing about meeting you, but he’s genuine.
The third step is to be completely up front with him about the pressure you feel to move fast when your natural tendency is to take it slow.
As your date comes to an end, you might tell him:
“I know we’re supposed to decide in the next 5 minutes whether we’re attracted to each other and want to fall into bed together, but I’m just not that sort of person. I really like you, and I’d really like to continue this conversation so I could get to know you.”
That’s catnip to the right guy.
He wants to know you’re interested.
He wants to know you feel something.
He wants to get to know you, too.
Some research suggests that the slower you take it, the more likely you are to walk down the aisle and live happily ever after.
As Dr. Helen Fisher says:
“With slow love, maybe by the time people walk down the aisle, they know who they’ve got, and they think they can keep who they’ve got.”[1]
[1] https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/02/well/family/millennials-love-relationships-marriage-dating.html
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