Tammy thought she’d never find love again.
Since her husband passed, she’d found peace in a life filled with friends and hobbies. Then she joined a hiking group… and met Steve.
Steve was a high school teacher coming out of a rough divorce. He was funny and a great listener. Tammy hadn’t felt so alive in years.
There was only one problem:
He kept giving her mixed messages.
Sometimes he’d walk with her, while other times he’d barely talk to her. A few times she suggested coffee afterwards, and he always declined unless others were going.
She worried that his reticence was caused by something she did. She’d opened up to him about some highly personal things she hadn’t felt comfortable sharing with the rest of the group. He’d been so supportive and kind. But she couldn’t help but wonder: did her confession turn him off?
If, like Tammy, you’ve ever found yourself wondering why a guy is giving you mixed messages, here are some ideas about might be really going on….
Is He Interested Or Just Being Friendly?
When you feel a spark with someone new, it’s natural to look for signs of mutual interest.
Each smile and long conversation seems to indicate he feels like you do.
But sometimes enthusiasm can make it difficult to read his intentions accurately.
Just because a man is single doesn’t mean he’s open to dating. Half of all singles are happy being on their own.[1]
That doesn’t mean they’re not looking for companionship, though.
Which is where group activities come in. Singles who are simply looking to enjoy an activity in the company of others can find their group experience hijacked by others who treat it as dating mixers.
In Tammy’s case, Steve’s “hot and cold” behavior might just be the responsible behavior of someone who likes her as a friend but doesn’t want her to get the wrong idea.
If you’re in a similar situation, consider this:
Does he treats you differently from the others?
Are you the only one he has a special connection with? Are you the only one he seems to seek out for one-on-one time?
If so, then that’s a very good sign.
Take It Slow And Steady
If you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while, you may be expecting it to work the same way it did back when you were single.
But the dating scene has changed.
Many singles today prefer a slower approach, hanging out and letting connections evolve organically rather than formally dating.
For singles fresh out of a painful breakup or divorce, romance might not even be on their radar. They’ve got healing to do before they’re even ready to think about letting their walls down again. They don’t want the next person in their life to be a rebound.
If the guy you like is recovering from his past relationship, slow down. Build a friendship and trust first.
Limit Oversharing
When you meet a good listener, it’s tempting to overshare.
You feel like this person gets you like no one else. You want to get closer by sharing what’s in your heart.
But consider whether the timing is right.
Getting too personal too soon can put pressure on a budding relationship.
Test the waters with a small personal confession to see if it’s reciprocated first. (You can use the Circle of Trust.)
If he doesn’t seem open to sharing anything too personal about his life, your relationship may not be ready yet.
Radical Acceptance
So what should Tammy do, then? Should she give up on Steve altogether?
No!
Steve is a good friend. Tammy loses nothing by retaining that friendship.
In fact, if Tammy gives up on Steve, Steve might feel like she was only interested in him as a prospective romantic partner. This could make things awkward, given that they’re both still hiking together.
A better approach is to accept the relationship on its own terms, without attaching expectations.
When you let go of your desire to make a connection into something it’s not, you can appreciate it and value it for exactly what it is.
It’s an approach called radical acceptance.
No longer are you disappointed when he doesn’t act as you’d hoped.
No longer do you want more from him than he can give.
Now you’re just present with him in the moment, enjoying his company for what it is.
And he can tell the difference.
Friendship As A Pathway to Romance
When you show a man that you’re willing to take the time to get to know him and become friends, even if it never goes anywhere, he comes to trust you.
And that friendship could eventually blossom into something deeper.
One small study found that two-thirds of those surveyed started their current relationship as friends.[2]
So if you enjoy a man’s company, don’t be too quick to throw it away just because romance doesn’t seem to be on the cards.
Enjoy it for what it is. A wonderful connection regardless.
[1] https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/
[2] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8892041/
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