Look around.
Can you spot a single man you’d feel excited about dating?
Even if you look on a dating app, it can be hard to muster much enthusiasm.
Nearly 1 in 2 adults in the U.S. feel that dating has gotten harder in the last decade.[1]
A whopping 3 in 4 singles say it’s somewhat or very hard to find someone to date.
And yet, by the numbers, singles today have it easier than past generations.
Not only is there a record number of single people, but dating apps and sites have turned the dating pool into an ocean.
What gives?
Why It’s So Hard to Meet Someone
The two most common reasons women find it difficult to meet someone are:
- It’s hard to find someone who meets their expectations, and
- It’s hard to find someone who wants the same kind of relationship.
(These are less of an issue for men, who tend to struggle most with having the confidence to approach someone.)
In my coaching practice, I often hear women express these concerns.
They tell me they’re picky. They want a loyal, loving, trustworthy relationship. They refuse to settle. They’ve been there, done that. This time, they’re going to set the bar high and trust that the right person will come along.
Does that decision lead to greater romantic success?
The answer is:
It’s complicated.
What????
Before you tear your hair out in frustration, let me explain…
Every single one of us should know our standards.
We get to choose the type of people we surround ourselves with.
We don’t have to continue relationships that harm us or bring us down.
Having standards is vital when it comes to choosing a romantic partner.
Without standards, you may stay in a relationship where you’re treated poorly. This can have long-term consequences for your health and happiness.
At the same time, your standards are for you.
They’re not an invitation to judge and dismiss people.
Just because a man doesn’t meet your standards doesn’t mean he won’t be the perfect partner for someone else.
So, absolutely, we should all have standards…
But we should be careful about how we’re using our standards.
If we’re using them to sit in judgment of other people, they’ll backfire.
If we’re using them to ensure we’re treated well, they’ll usher in greater happiness.
How can you use your standards to invite in better partners?
You can make these subtle shifts in language.
Don’t say, “He has to live up to my standards.”
Do say, “The way he treats me has to meet my standards.”
Has this ever happened to you?
You meet a man who has all the qualities you ever wanted in the opposite sex…
And it’s a dud. There’s no magic.
Then you meet a man who’s nothing like the type of person you imagined yourself with…
And a spark ignites. You can’t stop talking. You end the evening with stars in your eyes.
This isn’t just a curious thing that happens on occasion.
Research has shown that great relationships are born from the dynamic between two people, rather than their objective traits.
So be open-minded when it comes to the type of person you’re willing to date.
Keep your focus on what matters most: the dynamic you create when you’re together.
Don’t say, “He has to accept me just as I am.”
Do say, “He has to like who I am.”
How many people in your life unconditionally love you?
They accept you exactly as you are, flaws and all?
If you’re like most people, that number is fairly small.
We’re unconditionally loved by our parents, our children, perhaps a best friend…
And those relationships are often decades in the making.
So how realistic is it to expect a man you just met to accept you exactly as you are?
Do you accept him exactly as he is? Or are there things about him you’re not sure about?
In the early stages of a relationship, we don’t need unconditional acceptance.
What we do need is to like one another.
That means we like most things about each other. We don’t like other things, but those things don’t seem as important.
So go ahead, expect a man you’re dating to like you. That’s non-negotiable.
But understand that full acceptance, like all good things, takes time.
Don’t say, “You need to know straight from the beginning that I’m only interested in a relationship.”
Do say, “My long-term goal is a loving, loyal, lasting relationship.”
When you open a date by telling a man that the only options on the table are relationship or nothing, he might very well pick nothing.
He hardly knows you. It takes time to know whether you’d be good in a relationship together. He’s not willing to make that call until you’ve spent time together.
To increase your chances of romantic success, tell him what your long-term goals are and find out his.
You’d like to keep seeing him ifhe also shares the goal of a loving, loyal, lasting relationship. That doesn’t have to be in the cards right away, as long as you both agree that this is what you’re working towards.
As you can see, none of these suggestions require you to lower your standards.
You get to keep setting the bar high.
Just use your standards a little differently.
Instead of using them to judge men, use them to spot situations where you’re not being treated with dignity, kindness and respect.
[1]https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/nearly-half-of-u-s-adults-say-dating-has-gotten-harder-for-most-people-in-the-last-10-years/
James and Tracey T.,
Have you thought about having a forum for men also, or men *and* women? I’ve mentioned this in previous comments, but so much of what you are writing about pertains to men as much as it does for women. There’s an amazing amount of such great stuff that you’ve said in your columns.
I’m nearly 70, and I have found that dating and relationships are tough at ANY age and difficult to steer through. In some areas, age and experience over the years brings some things into sharp focus that younger folks struggle with. But then, there’s still so much difficulty navigating through dating and relationships that NEVER gets easier, and I think guys often need just as much help in maneuvering through dating issues as women need. 🙂
Hi, Dave. It’s true. The only thing that has stopped us from launching something like that is the limits on our bandwidth and mindshare.
Our friend, Adam has been working on a creating that kind of discussion platform at https://www.kyyndr.com
James
this guy we have shared a spark for sometime and later there has been a misunderstanding that I am just ignoring him since I felt he should man up and ask me out so I didn’t want to behave as a girlfriend until he makes a step so I asked him what are his aim now that he keeps telling me he likes me and he doesn’t make the move ,he felt offended which to me I didn’t see if I was wrong ,he went silent and we agreed time is the answer and he really wanted it to work ,so he came back recently and he said he’s hurt and Indirectly pointing towards me ,and after I realized he was saying that I hurt him ,I thought of apologizing so for a day I didn’t reply him ,when I texted him to apologize, immediately I texted “hi ” he replied and immediately it went as if he had blocked me .So of course somehow I messed up through my cousin sister whom I had shared a lot with her about the situation . She told me I should apologize and it was really me whom he meant.
But little did I know that she was up to making things patch for us which I think she messed me because this wasn’t me
She sent Linus a bit long text of apology which to Linus it was like I am the one who sent it.
And at that point Linus didn’t recognize my new number and thats when I learnt that he had just lost his phone ,also it was only a day later that I realized what my cousin had texted him .I felt bad and embarrassed .At some point Linus asked whom it was and the only reply she gave him was “by you reading the message you would definitely know who it was ” and she added ” or rather you can take it as anyonymous”
So I had to text back Linus and identifying myself and I added that I was not aware of the message
So it’s a week ,no communication but we view each other’s statuses and an urge to make a good apology for the message my cousin sent and also just to make him aware that I know he was referring to me earlier that I hurt him.
So what should I really do?
Hi Sally,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
I’m not sure how I feel about the article. I have always had a very high bar when I was dating…I can say that before I got married at around 33, I had been on a couple of hundred, potentially more, dates..never actually dating anyone for more than a few months.
I finally thought, that after all that time, my bar was set way too high, and that nobody would be compatible with my standards. I have always treated women very special bc that’s the way I was taught. I finally met someone who met ‘most’ of the standards I was looking for….it’s called “settling”.
I’m now divorced, and have been for about 10 years. I did meet two women, post divorce, who were exactly what I was looking for. Unfortunately, I rushed in way too fast for the first woman and scared her off. The other didn’t feel chemistry but she became my very best friend in the world and has been for the past 9 years. I’ve been looking for her clone, ever since.
Don’t you feel that treating someone with respect, warmth, and love and being treated the same way is only PART of what we need to look for as part of the standards we set? I think it’s obvious that we need to find someone who will accept us just the way we are. At what point are we actually considered to be settling?
That’s a good point, Dave. I explore some thoughts on the opposite side of this article’s main premise in one of our special topic mini-reports, which you can find here. In case that link doesn’t work, search our Irresistible Insiders reports for the one titled A Checklist to Help You Choose a Partner