Carla found the romantic hero of her dreams.
He was dark and brooding. He would show up unexpectedly and sweep her away on a surprise date, not telling her where they were going until they got there.
Zachary had a quick temper, which Carla didn’t like, but he was also quick to defend her. One time, they were out dancing when a man bumped into Carla and said something rude. Zachary got in the man’s face and would have started something if Carla hadn’t pulled him away.
Carla knew she was good for Zachary. She kept him on an even keel. She looked after him.
Was their relationship made in heaven?
Long-Term vs. Short-Term Potential
The traits that appeal to us when dating don’t necessarily guarantee happily-ever-after.
We feel intensely attracted to dates who are exciting and spontaneous. That emotional intensity pushes us to fall fast.
But long-term relationships don’t run on emotional intensity. Passionate flames cool down into companionship and commitment.
It matters less that he can plan a date, and more that he can stay emotionally connected when times get tough.
That’s why we want to take a step back and try to look at the person we’re dating objectively. We don’t want to invest our time, energy, and hearts with someone who is fun in the short-term but unable to make a relationship work.
How do you know whether a man has what it takes to create a beautiful future with you?
One way is to apply a personality test.
The Ultimate Personality Test
There are many personality tests you can take to determine everything from the right career for you to the kind of dog you should own.
But psychologists tend to rely on one test in their research:
The Big 5 Personality Test.
The “Big 5” refers to five major personality traits:
- Openness
- Conscientiousness
- Extraversion
- Agreeableness
- Neuroticism
People who take the test get a rating for each of these qualities on a 5-point scale.
Openness refers to the quality of being open to new experiences. If you enjoy meeting new people, trying new foods, traveling to new places, and experimenting with new things, then you’d score highly on this trait.
Conscientiousness refers to the quality of being thoughtful and careful with everything you do. If you show up on time, complete the tasks you’re assigned, look after your health, and remember to send birthday cards, then you’d score highly on this trait.
Extraversion refers to the quality of being outgoing. If you’re a people person who loves nothing more than going out to social events, being part of a group, and speaking up when all eyes are on you, then you’d score highly on this trait.
Agreeableness refers to the quality of being able to get along with people. If you’re kind, compassionate, cooperative, and empathetic, then you’d score highly on this trait.
Finally, neuroticism refers to how you deal with your emotions. If you’re highly reactive, you get anxious or rattled easily, you have a lot of emotional highs and lows, and you find it difficult to deal with stress, then you might score highly on this trait.
What the Big 5 Says about Him
When you’re in love with someone, you want to believe you’ll work it out. You’ll learn to live with his less appealing traits, or, better yet, he’ll change.
That’s why it helps to have a more objective assessment of the challenges you’ll face if you decide to make a go of it as a couple.
There are two qualities you want your future mate to have:
Conscientiousness and agreeableness.
Men who are conscientious are more likely to “follow the rules” in their relationships. They’re less likely to cheat and more likely to take out the garbage.
Men who are agreeable often get pegged as “nice guys,” but they’re the true gems when it comes to long-term relationships. They care about your feelings, are willing to compromise, and embrace intimacy.
So, did Carla’s boyfriend Zachary pass the test? Were they really a match made in heaven?
Red Flag Traits
Zachary scored high in openness and neuroticism, and low in agreeableness and conscientiousness.
At first, this didn’t bother Carla. She enjoyed the way Zachary exposed her to new experiences. But she wondered if his desire for novelty meant that he would tire of her quickly.
Zachary’s quick temper and moodiness meant that he fit the profile of Carla’s romantic hero, but it also made him difficult to live with. Sometimes, Carla just wanted someone she could relax with, someone comfortable rather than edgy.
What finally changed her mind about her boyfriend was not any of those things. It was the way he didn’t seem to care about her feelings.
He didn’t try to see how she felt. He wasn’t willing to adjust the way he did things for her.
Agreeableness mattered more to Carla than she’d realized.
Next time, Carla was going to pay more attention to her date’s long-term potential. Bad boys were fun, but she was going to save her heart for a man who could give her happily-ever-after.
Great article. I think you undersell the significance of neuroticism in long term relationships. You call out conscientiousness and agreeableness specifically as personality traits to look for in a relationship partner. Neuroticism is at least as significant for relationships as conscientiousness and agreeableness, if not moreso. However, it is LOW neuroticism, aka emotional stability, that you want to look for in a partner. Emotional stability, while unexciting, might be THE most important trait for relationship satisfaction. Your example alludes to this, but you’re not clear about it like you are with conscientiousness and agreeableness. Perhaps because of the fact that it’s having LOW neuroticism that is beneficial to relationships. But I really think it deserves clarification. The article could say something like “There are THREE qualities you want your future mate to have: Conscientiousness, agreeableness, AND emotional stability” and then go on to explain that emotional stability simply refers to low Neuroticism. Having personally been in a relationship with someone high in neuroticism who also was not willing to take the time to learn effective ways of responding to stress, I can personally attest to the importance of choosing a partner who is emotionally stable. Neuroticism caused her to take on a victim mindset, which significantly reduced her agreeableness in addition to the other problems associated with neuroticism (anxiety, depression, moodiness, anger, instability, etc). Neuroticism coupled with a lack of self awareness *destroyed* our relationship, in spite of the fact that I’m moderately high in both conscientiousness & agreeableness & very low in Neuroticism. I think the the significance of Neuroticism needs more emphasis here. But I think you provide some great advice, and knowledge of how these traits contribute to a satisfying relationship could prevent so many breakups and so much heartache. Both by helping ppl to find better partners as well as helping those who are low in conscientiousness and agreeableness or high in Neuroticism to become more self aware. Personality change is NOT easy, but it is possible!
Thanks, Rich. This is an important insight, well-articulated. I was very much in love with a man who was positive in all the other areas but was very high in neuroticism/emotional instability, Sadly, it destroyed our relationship too. I still love him, but it was impossible to cope with the emotional extremes after a while. Unfortunately, these things are sometimes hard to see/realise until you’re already deeply in love. But thank you for your intelligent, thoughtful comment,
So….I have read many of your posts and even paid for articles. I have been doing all the things I have read before I even read your articles. What bothers me is how we must manipulate and play the game just to make a guy feel like a king and hero before he thinks a girl is worthy of his attention. And from this it’s supposed to make him appreciate us and we benefit from all this in the long run. Well seriously this is just about stroking his ego. His ego should be intact to begin with or he is not worthy of us. So yes in order to maintain a strong relationship some of your points come into play. But really if the chemistry is there it is there. You can’t make a person love you if they just don’t. Im not trying to be critical or unaccepting of your advice just seeing things from my point of view. I have some great relationships and some bad ones. But I’m just tired of playing games. Good guys are out there, being patient and real is what I have learned.
Just an addition to my post…..I was out to dinner with my 25 year old son and his friends, I asked them their thoughts on girls in general….they all replied girls are crazy and psycho. And my son was taught over the years to respect girls and treat them with kindness. Well he said based on his experiences that’s what he has dealt with. His friends totally agreed. I said did you ever once considered what maybe you did to cause girls to react in such a way. He just said mom stop! Girls today have no self esteem, they have no chance of the appreciation they deserve. Needless to say I was not happy with his attitude.
This was very insightful and helpful. It makes a lot of sense and I will try to remember to use this whenever I meet a new guy. On the flip side, I saw some of the traits on this list that I am guilty of, or lack, depending on the traits. So I need to work on those traits and improve on my end, so I can be a better partner myself!
Hi so im dating this guy and recently he hasn’t been answering my messages and he is very busy and so am but he hasn’t replied in two days and im telling myslef to move on but then he could of forget to text me back? What shall I do ?
Zara, let time work in your favor. Don’t fight against the things pulling his attention away. Just keep showing up until his mind, mood, and the timing are right. Then your patient persistence will pay off. In a situation like this, most people find it helpful to keep the doors to communication open by sending an occasional text (maybe every five days or so) unless he starts reciprocating communication at a faster rate.
Girl! Just live your life. If he wants to be a part of it he will reach out. Stop over thinking things it will make you nuts. Really this is just a rude move on his part. All he has to say is thanks for reaching out talk soon. Manners where have they gone? You and only you can decide to put up with this. Patience is cool. If he does eventually contact you, play it cool. Don’t mention your text, just see where it goes.