In some circles, it’s not fashionable to believe in soulmates.
Who would believe there’s just one person out there for you—in this day and age?
There’s no such thing as soulmates, the cynics say. Just the right person for right now.
But people have believed in soulmates for a long, long time.
We wouldn’t have so many love stories if there wasn’t something universal about the magical “click” you experience with the right person.
Here’s how believing in soulmates can help you find and keep true love…
As well as the pitfalls to watch out for.
Soulmate Similarity
It’s possible to fall in love with just about anyone if you spend lots of time together, share your deepest thoughts and feelings, and get vulnerable with each other.
But a soulmate is much more than someone you’ve fallen for.
A soulmate is so much like you, it’s uncanny.
English poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge coined the term soulmate in a letter written in 1822. He told a friend:
“To be happy in Married Life … two Persons must be ‘soul mates’—that is, have a pre-established Harmony between their souls.”
I think that’s a beautiful definition of soulmates:
Two people with harmonious souls.
We know that couples who are similar in values, background, and certain personality traits tend to stay together longer and feel more satisfied than couples who see themselves as quite different people.[1]
Opposites may appeal, but they’re hard to live with over the years.
Believing in a soulmate may help you hold out for a partner who’s like you in the ways that matter most, a man whose very soul harmonizes with your own.
Soulmate Steadfastness
How might you treat a man differently if you saw him as your soulmate rather than just a boyfriend?
If you believe that fate or destiny had a hand in bringing you together, then it’s likely that you’ll commit 100% to the relationship much sooner than if you’d simply liked the guy.
Seeing him as your soulmate, rather than just your boyfriend, increases your investment in the relationship. You’re already thinking about the long term, because you believe that you’re meant to be.
This belief may help you weather the inevitable difficulties that arise in relationships.
On the other hand, if you believe that people choose each other of their own free will and there’s no particular person you’re “meant to be” with, it can take you longer to decide whether to commit.
You feel less of a sense of certainty. You hold back.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s always good to take the time to get know someone well before making a decision about your future together.
But sometimes that ambivalence about the relationship can keep it from getting off the ground.
Soulmate Story
One of the most powerful ways that believing in soulmates can help you stay together is through your “couple origin story.”
This is the story you tell about how you got together.
Couples who enjoy telling and retelling their origin story tend to be stronger than couples who don’t have a meaningful story about how they met.
That’s because those stories create a shared identity.
These are not two people who randomly got together. They believe that a force larger than themselves orchestrated their meeting and brought them together.
Believing that their love story is part of a divine or cosmic plan can give them comfort and strength when times get tough.
Watch Out For These Soulmate Traps
But believing in soulmates can trip you up, too.
You can be too quick to judge a man based on first impressions.
Your first impression might be inaccurate, because he’s nervous or trying to impress you. It takes time and patience to get to know someone.
You may find it hard to decide whether a man is or isn’t your soulmate. You may expect a level of certainty you just don’t feel.
Conflict can make you doubt your soulmate connection. You might interpret normal relationship difficulties as a sign that you’re not meant to be after all.
Lastly, you may be more passive in your relationships if you believe that it’s all down to fate.
You can mitigate these traps by seeing yourself as an active partner with destiny.
As the saying goes, “Fate brings people together, but then it is up to them.”
So keep believing in soulmates, but don’t wait for fate to do all the work.
[1] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886912006022
Hi James!
As a guy, much of what you write often applies to guys as well as women. I’m glad a woman told me about your column a few years ago.
So, a couple of things. I’m curious what you think of the show “Married at First Sight”. Many of those marriages fail. *But*, the ones that do make it: is it because over an 8 week period of time, 24×7, you can get to know someone on such a deep level that you DO fall in love with a stranger? Or is it because the “experts” did a really good job sorting through and matching people up? I wish there was such thing for people in my age group!
I’ll be 70 next year, and have only met two women in my entire adult life who I felt were my perfect match (and, one was not my 23 yr marriage). The first one, I scared away because I was so excited that I threw myself too fast into the relationship . The other, *I* felt the chemistry while she didn’t, but we had, what is still, the best first date I’ve ever been on. It was only one date, and it’s the only time in my entire adult life I knew she was my match from the beginning.
And the experience with the second woman, above, is the basis of my second comment which is something you said in your article: “It’s possible to fall in love with just about anyone if you spend lots of time together, share your deepest thoughts and feelings, and get vulnerable with each other.” I’m not sure if it’s my age group or if this is just for all age groups.
I’ve had the most amazing first and second dates…tons of fun, laughs, long talks, and then they don’t want to go out again. When I’ve asked them to be *brutally*, honest, don’t hold anything back…”why don’t you want to go out again when we had so much fun?!” Virtually ALL of them said, “You are wonderful! You’re intelligent, fun to be with, cute! I had a GREAT time, but I just don’t feel the chemistry so I need to move on. I’m really sorry.” OMG! It’s so frustrating. A dating coach told me years ago that it’s a big problem with so many women. They want to feel that immediate connection in the first or second date and if they don’t, they move on.
How are men supposed to navigate this? Does this also happen to women? Does age group make a difference? My one date with that fantastic woman I mentioned above; we’re best of friends, now. She’s in love with a guy, but she told me once a few years ago, that had she not met him and we kept hanging out as friends, she may very well have fallen in love with me, eventually, because we’re so much alike in our personalities, ethics. values, etc.
Great questions, Dave.
You’ve asked for honesty from your dates, and that’s a great start. It shows you’re willing to hear feedback, even if it might be uncomfortable. However, often people might not be fully transparent for fear of causing discomfort or hurting feelings, especially if they did have a genuinely enjoyable time. That’s where your close friends come in.
Your friends are your allies in life, and this extends to your dating life, too. You might want to consider engaging in a frank conversation with them about your dating experiences. They might be able to offer some insights about your behaviour or habits that you may be missing, simply because we all have blind spots about ourselves. It could be a habit that you’re not aware of, like a tendency to dominate conversations or making light of serious topics too frequently, or something simpler like a minor grooming issue.
This self-awareness might be a game-changer in your dating life. It’s not about changing who you are, but about tweaking behaviors that might be standing in the way of establishing that deeper connection. When we are open to such feedback and willing to act upon it, we can improve our interactions not only in our dating life but across all relationships.
Remember, this is not about criticism, but about growth. And this kind of personal growth is a lifelong journey we all are on. It’s the willingness to ask these tough questions that can lead to the most significant insights and meaningful changes.
Again, keep your spirit up and continue to approach dating with an open heart and an open mind. Love might be just around the corner!
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