Here’s a fun experiment.
Treat everyone you meet today as if you secretly know they are going to turn out to be a close friend you can love and trust.
Guess what happens when you do this?
A deeply rooted instinct gets triggered inside you. It’s an instinct that has to do with your sense of meaning and purpose.
It’s natural that most of us exist primarily in a world of self-protection. It’s something we do in our mind more than anything else.
Our daily interactions are primarily self-centered. I don’t mean that as any kind of harsh criticism. It’s just the reality of being human.
We naturally focus on our own personal goals. Most of those goals relate to gratifying personal needs and desires.
Something interesting happens when we begin to purposefully think of others as close friends or family members. Here’s what changes.
Our interactions suddenly take on a deeper sense of meaning when we learn how to be friendlier towards others.
What happens next is a domino effect.
Deeply listening suddenly becomes automatic. You don’t even have to try.
Interacting with them suddenly becomes fun. It feels meaningful because you want to give as much as you can in the relationship. You get a positive sense of meaning from enhancing the other person’s life.
These are your core relationship instincts. They sometimes get suppressed when we’re so busy with our computers, smart phones, and internal world of thoughts.
No, I don’t expect you to do this 100% of the time. But just practicing this once in a while can be good for you, especially if you are openly looking for romantic connection with someone special.
Here’s how it helps. Anything you practice becomes more dominant in your mind. If you practice thinking grumpy thoughts, those thoughts gradually become quicker to surface in your mind.
When you practice looking for business opportunities, your mind gets better at recognizing those opportunities in your environment. When you practice meditation, you get better at quickly sidestepping tension and centering your thoughts on something peaceful.
Get in the habit of treating people like they are bound to become a good friend and something wonderful happens.
Through the process of self-suggestion you gradually start to feel like the world actually is a friendlier place.
And here’s where the domino effect gets really interesting.
After practicing for a very short time, it stops feeling like you’re faking it.
You don’t have to imagine it as much as you did when you first started practicing this way of interacting with people. As a result, you actually feel friendlier than you did before.
People sense that, and they start to act more friendly toward you in turn because you’ve learned how to be friendlier yourself.
Your mind and body begin to exist in a world that is literally friendlier. Your immune system responds positively to the sense of community. Without doing anything special you feel as if your life has meaning. A sense of meaning gives you more energy. After all, you care about the people around you, so the way you treat them takes on significance.
Before you know it, you discover you have become the kind of person everyone looks up to. Your confidence naturally rises as a result. With increased confidence, you appear more charismatic to others.
You laugh more easily and often. The muscles in your face begin to reflect your habitual smile and cheerful disposition.
Regardless of the stress and difficulty you face in life, you still look forward to a brief conversation with Irma at the bakery around the corner. Her face lights up every time she sees you.
This positive anticipation adds an energetic and cheerful bounce to your step as you walk to the bakery on a Thursday afternoon.
So it’s no wonder a man passing you on the street looks over his shoulder and thinks, “Man, I wish I could meet a woman like that.”
Then he notices you turn into the bakery and suddenly decides it would be a good day to pick up a few bagels.
I know; it sounds like a bit of a stretch when I stack all these benefits like this. But this is the essence of what it means to become irresistible. It’s what we teach at beirresistible.com.
And even if I’m totally wrong about all this, what do you really have to lose?
Be mindful of what you practice today. It could have an impact on your tomorrow.
Your friend,
James
Oof. NEEDED this reminder today…I have a case of the grumpies. THANK YOU!
I enjoy reading these comments. So much wisdom and experience here! I am twice widowed and considering the dating world cautiously, and find I am far too easily attached to someone. I love to hear the thoughts of others here, and the many points of view. No doubt I will gain some wisdom of my own!
I have learned and practiced this very technique, being sure not to seem too intrusive. It is wonderful how responsive strangers, as well as those I know well, have been. I love doing this and appreciate your assurance.
So what happens if the other person takes an IMMEDIATE dislike to you. First impressions are very hard to dispel. Yes, you can do what Ingeborg did and invite them to dinner, but that is only going to work, if you, personally, are socially superior to the other person. If they are socially superior to you they are quite likely to just refuse the invitation
But what if that other person has made it obvious that they do not respect you, and would rather you were wiped off the face of the Earth? Treating them like you think they are your best friend is only going to make them be repulsed by you as a try hard. And they will quickly work to disembue you of the idea that you should think of them as a friend
I applied this concept when I was in my anesthesia residency. There was one guy who was arrogant, annoying and demeaning. After a few months, I couldn’t stand being around him. Someone told me to treat him like he was my best friend and respond to his comments as if we were great friends. I did this and the changes in his attitude began. Maybe it was me as well. I am more tolerant of my friends and their quirks. By the time we finished the program, we really were friends. And I’ve used this technique ever since!
That’s a wonderful example! Thanks for sharing Heidi!
Thank you James for your very uplifting emails. They brighten my day and night.
🙂
I just happened to be doing this very thing today, and it does work as you said.
Trusting and respecting a very special person in your life is key to happiness and it is life enhancing in many other areas as well, all of which can make for richer, more awesome relationships.
Cyntia,
I agree with you that trusting your special person (man) in your life is very important for feeling happy in this relationship. But what if you trust this person, and he does not trust you as much as you trust him? How to stay happy with this outcome? And the reason he does not trust you as much as you do, is Not because you did something wrong to him, but the matter of his personality. You may think, the time will be a good medicine for him to become more trustful with you. And it is still not working!
I am talking about my personal situation here. After over a year being in exclusive relationship with the man he is still not trusting me as much as I do trust him. He comes to my place all the time and not inviting me to his place that often. He does not trust me talking with my neighbors, if they are males, nor friendly talking to other guys at the bar, while watching the sports together. He is very possessive about me, I think. And he did not propose me anything more than just exclusively dating him, while living separately. He is more wealthy than I am , but prefers to spend his money for himself. And I am not even asking him for any financial help. If we decide to go to a nice vacation, I would pay my half of its cost, and I can’t afford it. So, for the whole year that we were dating, we did not go to Any vacations together!
How much trustful and happy I can be in this relationship? I do not see any signs of the improvements here. I decided to stop dating him, since it is not getting any better, and plus he is moving to another part of the country, without inviting me to join him there. But… he wants me to stay exclusive with him after his departure and wait till He decide, if I can join him later on or not. No terms set up for this waiting period, nothing discussed how we are going to stay in contact and see each other. I was trying to have an open discussion with him, but it is not working. He is avoiding talking openly with me how the future may be, if we live apart.
Dear Svetlana,
The guy you’ve been exclusive with, he’s not interested in anything commitment-wise with you at all.
He’s just been using you, you are his property. You spend time with only him, you are sleeping with him/having sex, he spends more time at yours, but rarely invites you to his or spends his money on you, treats you? What is so special about that, that you want to commit to him? Why would you want a life like that with such a man?? It would only get worse if you were committed or worse yet, married to him!!
You may not think it yet, but when he moves away, take that as your long overdue release out of this one-side ‘relationship’ you convinced yourself was going somewhere, that is actually a dead-end from where you are positioned.
Let him find another female to treat the way he treated you, and start to Love yourself. Realise you have been handed a lucky escape. Feel sorry for the next woman that allows herself to be treated so badly.
You are worth way more. Start to believe that.
This might work with some types of relationship. But I used to adopt this approach on dating sites. Men I chatted with responded positively to my positive, friendly approach. But I have found that I felt more deeply than they did. The men just responded positively to me in a superficial way, whereas I was sincere. I was disappointed so many times. Now, I am going to protect myself and be more detached. It’s a two-way process and so the men on dating sites should take some initiative at being friendly and interested, if they wish to – rather than just following my lead.
I agree with you, Jennie. Dating sites are not the place for this. You have to use dating sites as a tool to find potential people to start “real” relationships with, otherwise they can gobble up your time and waste it. I talk about methods for using the best while avoiding the worst (when it comes to dating sites) in my “complete guide” program (in case you’re interested). Thanks for your comments here. Very helpful point you make.
Very deep and thought provoking just like all your articles. Thank you!
Love it!
Love this. I recently started working at a new site, and one of the women there was so aggressive in trying to stop me from working on something there that I concluded she could not be trusted. I’m going to treat her like we are bound to become good friends and see what happens.
When I was still working (I am now 73!), I had to change jobs quite often for various reasons. There was always someone in the new environment who did not like me. My husband and me had a wonderful fix for that problem: we used to invite that someone to a dinner party at our house. Funny enough: nobody ever refused my invitation. And the best thing? From the following day on invariably that someone was very friendly to me – lots of them becme even my friends! Try it out – it works like a charm!
Hi Mr, James
I like your idea & going to try it .
I have a different question about relationships though ,
does the environment or the religion ( if the person is religious ) play a role in the way of thinking of women ? in other words , like middle eastern or muslim men ( truly religious , kind , graceful, helpful men ), think differently than western men in terms of relationships with women ?, is the way they raised or the religion they have play a role in their actions , like for example , commitment ?,
my question is because I find that some men truly commit as a result of ( for example , religion ) with no games to play with the woman .which I actually find very graceful .
thanks Mr , James for your patience &time , your emails are very helpful & insightful , thanks again ,
Yes, the sub-culture of various religious groups as well as the ethnic culture play a significant role in forming the expectations and social pressures for or against commitment. However, most efforts to define those differences fail because there are so many differences within subgroups, families, and even generations within the same cultural or religious groups. You are wise to consider those factors along with everything else you learn from me and others.
Rawda,
You may think that some men can commit easily then the others. But commitment in relationship has many different levels, as James mentioned in the other article. If the man is committed to you to be exclusive, for example, and ready not to see other women, so you can do the same for him. It absolutely does not mean he will married you eventually. Like the middle eastern guys, they like to be exclusive with the women pretty quick. However later in relationship you (if you are not from middle east) and him will find so many differences in culture, food, music or how to spend your spare time together, so it will be difficult to bring the relationship to the next level of commitment or start a family with this guy.
I am just talking from my own experience or what I observed in life of people around me.