The short answer is yes.
For example, in my training materials I describe a method for making your pupils grow larger while making eye contact with a man.
Executed correctly, this technique can cause him to feel drawn towards you in a romantic way (without knowing why).
(Our pupils enlarge whenever we are looking at something we like or want. At a subconscious level we notice when this happens to someone we are interacting with…which stirs positive feelings of attraction.)
You can also pull hard on a man’s emotions by connecting with him through the power of story.
That method takes some practice, but it basically means tapping into the fact that the human brain is wired for story.
We pay attention when someone tells a story. We get emotionally involved when someone shares their story. I’m talking about short snippets of story you weave into your natural conversation.
But in today’s coaching email we are discussing something right under your nose that you may have missed.
Think about what you already know about love. Using your existing knowledge base, try answering the following question.
Jack and Jill work in the same office setting. If Jill wants to make Jack fall in love with her, should she increase or decrease the following factors?
- Going out of her way to create contact and basically “show up” more frequently
- Using nonverbal flirtation to indicate openness to an advance from Jack
- Length of sustained eye contact when speaking with Jack
- Effort to maximize physical attractiveness (exercise, cosmetics, and style)
- Non-work related conversation with Jack
- Expressions of anger when Jack is around
- Expressions of sarcasm or bitterness about the job or anything else
- Discussion of how awful her last romantic relationship was because of the “jerk” she was dating
- Demonstrations of possessiveness or jealousy when Jack gives attention to other women in the office
These factors are all fairly obvious, yet many people ignore them, thinking they have to wait for magic potion number nine before they’ll have any chance with a particular guy.
Have you ever heard that expression, “Good things come to those who wait?” Well it doesn’t apply here!
Take the skills and knowledge you already have and do a mental inventory to MAKE SURE you are already maximizing as many variables as you can to shift the odds in your favor. I’m talking about the obvious stuff you already know about.
Ideally, we want Jill to make frequent, pleasant, and relaxed points of contact with Jack, gazing deeply into his eyes for just a second or two longer than a person typically would with a coworker.
She should be casual and positive without negativity or sarcasm about life or work.
She should speak positively of other people, while dropping subtle hints that she finds Jack’s company to be particularly enjoyable (e.g., commenting that she can relate to him more easily than others.)
She should be exercising to stay fit (as much for self-confidence as anything else), and get up ten minutes earlier each morning to ensure she shows up at work in a relaxed mood, looking her best.
We want Jill to flash her best smile the second she makes eye contact with Jack each morning, demonstrating interest in any personal issue he discloses during the brief interactions they share at work.
We want her to do all this while appearing competent and interested in her work. Jill is more likely to pull this off if she takes a moment for a self-assessment. She needs to slow down just long enough to consider what she is doing well and what she could do better.
Now what happens if you stack a ton of these influencing factors in your favor? There is an exponential increase in the chances of a good outcome.
Does it guarantee that he will fall for you? No, there are hundreds of other variables that can sway the outcome one way or another.
Nonetheless, those who persist at applying the power they have generally achieve outcomes they desire far more frequently than those who simply give it all up to chance.
Which kind of person do you want to be?
My advice? Take life by the horns! Start today by doing a quick self-assessment to rediscover areas where you could up your game.
Whatever gets your best energy in this life will thrive. Whether it’s your work, your kids, your fitness, your friendships, or something else, it will only thrive if it gets your attention and energy.
The areas of your life that get your best energy are the ones that thrive. And your attention determines what gets your energy (and what gets neglected).
So If you really want better relationship outcomes, use your attention as a tool to bring more energy to the little things you may be neglecting. Use what you already know.
Talk to you soon.
James Bauer
James James, i need your help. I have been in a tumultous relationship for the past 1.5 years. He asked my parents for my hand in marriage after only 3 weeks of knowing me. A few weeks after that my dad died & we moved to Costa Rica a few weeks after that. I went on a tailspin after that. He abandoned me in Costa Rica & after a few weeks apart asked me to come back home so we can work it out…over a year later & we r not married nor even…Engaged anymore. He says he can fix us if i would only listen to his advice. He says i complain too much & it is causing him to be verbally & emotionally abusive towards me. What do I do? Where do I go from here?
I’m sorry to hear about the wild ride you have been on because of this relationship. It sounds like the two of you moved too quickly. You barely knew each other when making plans to enmesh your lives and decisions.
At this point you need to start with zero-sum thinking, meaning you ask yourself if you would get into a relationship with this man starting now if you had never committed to him in the first place. This mode of thinking clears your mind of what psychologists call “sunken investment” where you feel desperate to salvage an investment from the past (which you really cannot salvage as you only have the future ahead of you).
If, after that self-assessment you decide you really want to pursue things with this man, I suggest you pursue personal coaching on this issue as it is a multistage process.
James
Dear James
I want to thank you for your insight. I have am dealing with some insecurity in my relationship. My boyfriend is incredible to me, but when he checks out other women in front of me and makes comments it hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like I am not enough. I worry that our play talk in bed he is trying to make it real. Fantasy is one thing but how do I communicate my feelings of insecurity to him without offending him. How do I get over my feelings of not being enough which I have felt since I was a child. I know he loves me and wants to be with me. How can I make him not feel the need to even look anyone else.
Thank you
Shellie
Hi Shellie. That is an excellent question, but one I would prefer to address privately. You can sign up for private email coaching if you want personal advice on how to bring him into a gradually unfolding process of communication about this delicate issue. Here is a link if you want to pursue individual email coaching.
Why would you need to address this privately..?
I can not afford the fee for private coaching 🙁
The best thing you can do is be confident in yourself and secure his love for you. There’s nothing wrong with noticing attractive people. It’s actually normal, especially for guys, as long as it’s not too tongue-hanging-out-of-the-mouth blatant. Getting upset with him is often more about your own insecurities, and that’s what you need to work on.
Try doing just the opposite and sometimes drawing his attention to someone. “Hey, honey, look at that beautiful woman coming our way.” He’ll love that he’s with someone who’s so confident, and he’ll feel good that he can be himself without feeling guilty or getting in trouble.
how do i approach this with someone who has had his heart broken and there’s a possibilty that he might be playing with me? he doesn’t find it easy to trust or love but i think if we try it can work. he’s been feeling me out for the past few weeks but i think a problem is that i told him i dont believe in premarital sex and he likes his active sex life. i think this is now a challenge for him so now he wants to change my mind, get it, and leave me hanging? or give us a real shot? i’m confused.
We have all had our hearts broken. That doesn’t give us the right to use others!! Love and trust take time. Ultimately, loving and trusting someone is a choice. Keep your convictions!!! Let him know what you want in the future; a partner, success in profession, marriage, house, family. Don’t put him into the equation, it’s about what you want! If he wants that, he will continue to pursue you. If he’s trying to play you and trying to “break” your convictions, he will soon tire and move on to the next woman. Keep in mind, he might need time alone (not in a romantic relationship) to heal. Or he may not be capable of having a loving and trusting relationship because that’s what he believes about himself. In those cases, he would need counseling. Hmmm, he might just need Jesus!! Be blessed 🙂
Thanks for your quick response James, I really appreciated. I did texted him twice, asking him how is he doing and that I miss him and he answers that is super busy, that he miss me 2 , hope see you soon send me a couple kisses and that’s it. lol I don’t know what else I can do to get his attention, or if I should talk to him straight that I am seeing other people but he is the only one that I sleep with and that I really like, or just stop texting him and wait if he finally finds time…
Hi James,
I really enjoy reading your articles they are really good and I feel I can apply them. I am pretty attractive and guys really pay attention to me, I just got divorce a couple months ago, and just started to date like a month ago. I’ve meet a few guys and been in dates with them, as I am pretty new at dating I wasn’t expecting meeting someone that I really like, but it happened, He gave me tons of attention at the beginning and tried to see me a lot, after a few dates we end up sleeping together it was faster that I will like because we saw each other almost every other day at the beginning (during the holydays) Anyways, he said a couple times that he is not sleeping around that he likes to be in a relation ship and stuff. I was not expecting anything because I am still dating other guys ( I don’t even kiss them just to go out,) because I don’t want to sit to wait for him to call me so I keep my agenda as busy as I can 😉 And I know that I have to keep my options open… Anyways he is pulling of, now he just texts me every couple days, and keeps telling me that he is super busy (which I know is true he is really successful and works a lot, plus has kids that he needs to spend time with). But at the same time, I know that if you are really interested you find time so I’m confused, I really like him so that’s why I have not stop communication with him but I don’t want to be played by him and became his booty call.. I need your help 😉
I see. That is a tricky situation.
First of all, I want to congratulate you on your positive choice to fill your agenda with lots of activities and not put all of your eggs in one basket (with one man at the early stages of dating). It’s for the very reason that you are currently facing that I frequently recommend that you see multiple men at the same time at the early stages of dating.
He may be genuinely busy, and come back to you when things let up at work and at home, but in the meantime, I recommend you take action to eliminate the possibility that he thinks you’re not very interested in him (since you are seeing other people).
I recommend you send him a simple message that basically communicates the idea that while you are enjoying dating several people, he is at the top of your list, and you are willing to make time for him if he wants to spend time with you. Then get back to dating other guys unless he really starts to pursue you.
You are doing a lot of things right, so keep moving forward!
Thanks for your quick response James, I really appreciated. I did texted him twice, asking him how is he doing and that I miss him and he answers that is super busy, that he miss me 2 , hope see you soon send me a couple kisses and that’s it. lol I don’t know what else I can do to get his attention, or if I should talk to him straight that I am seeing other people but he is the only one that I sleep with and that I really like, or just stop texting him and wait if he finally finds time…
Okay. It’s probably time to wait for a few weeks until he reaches out to you. Then ask him if he has any ideas for how you could spend time with each other despite his busy schedule. In other words, put the ball in his court and see what he does.
Hi i kinda need help… I have this situation where i don’t know what to do. I like my ex (i left him… He says he forgave me but i don’t believe it) and sometimes he gives me signs that he likes me back but it kinda looks like he has a relationship with another girl. We still talk but its not the same obviously… My best friend and i have been talking and i kinda like him but the thought of my ex keeps haunting me. He recently asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend and i kinda want to, but i feel like what i feel for him isn’t strong enough. I kind of feel stuck because we already talk like we were together but actually we aren’t yet. I want this to happen but he kinda expects me to be with him forever and I’m not sure i can do that. I still have feelings for my ex.
I see. I admire the fact that you are being cautious to avoid hurting anyone. It comes down to this. You are not ready to make a long-term commitment to anyone at this point. You owe it to yourself and these men to make that clear…regardless of which one you decide to date. If you knew your ex would take you back, would you take him instead of the other guy? If so, hold out for your ex. If not, tell the other guy you want to date for three months and then re-evaluate where to go from there (because you really like him but don’t feel like you are quite ready to settle into a long-term relationship at this very moment).
Thank you !!! You have really helped!
Hi James! I really love your work, it’s very enlightening. There’s something which is bothering me for a very long time now. I’m guessing only u can help? So there’s this guy I genuinely like (even though I like to deny it at times). We have known each other for 5 years now. Things between us are very unpredictable, too up and down. Sometimes we are the closest friends, sometimes we flirt. One minute it’s beautiful and in another it’s gone. When things between us get really intense I suddenly feel he is withdrawing. We get distant from each other and stop talking for an indefinite period of time. Then he appears again, things get back to normal until we reach that point again. We have been running around this circle for a really long time. I don’t even understand what we are. When I tried to clarify it with him, he said he obviously likes me but he wants to give this more time as he doesn’t want me to regret or get hurt later on. Okay now we are going through that silent phase again. He did text few days back, after a month but I didn’t reply because this time he left me too hurt. I don’t know what to do. I tried to move on but realised no one can make me happy as much as he does. Is there any ‘trick’ to make him act how he truly feels? Or is there a way to find out how he feels about me?
Hi Arora. If he feels something special toward you, he will want to reveal it. Think about it. Every time you have ever had that special feeling toward someone, you have a mix of desire to express it on one hand, and a fear of expressing it (lest you be rejected or make a fool of yourself) on the other hand.
So my advice in these kinds of situations is to be more open than most people are. It will “release him” to express whatever he is actually feeling. Going for what you want in relationships starts with asking for what you want. Right now, “asking for what you want” means asking him if he has felt the same special connection you have felt toward him at times. If he says he has, the next question is about whether he is at a place in his life right now where he has an interest in seeing where things might go if you deliberately spent more time together (rather than letting it be haphazard as it has been lately).
Tip: When you express the fact that you have felt something special toward him, phrase it in a way that makes it easy to frame what you said as a genuine compliment reflecting the fact that you find him attractive as a human being. This way, if he says, “Thanks, but I don’t feel that spark with you,” you can walk away with your head held high. After all, you have courageously complimented him, while revealing something about your internal response to his qualities, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
I have been dating this guy for a few months now, he likes to be the alpha male and instigate everything that happens in our relationship. When we are together, we always end up making out. I feel like the relationship has got too physical and I really want a relationship based on something more meaningful because that is where I think true love develops. How do I tell him how I feel without him losing interest in me?
Good question, Amanda. Rather than having a sad conversation about backing up, I recommend you tell him that you’ve decided you like him enough to reach for something more in the relationship you share. Tell him you want to see where things could go if you set aside time to talk more and spend quality time together.
I really am at a loss of what to do, where to go from this point in my realationship, if you could even call it that at this point it has slowed down to the point that I haven’t seen him for a week and 4 days. He sends me a text with a wink, which means he is thinking about me, but I’m totally confused.
To start, we had a meshed connection that felt awesome and we spent practically every evening together for 3 months, after about a month he told me he Loved me and I felt the same, I took him on a romantic getaway for his Birthday.
We had one week were I wanted to communicate some concerns to him. He then stated that he wanted to slow down the relationship. I was shell shocked. He took 6 days to contact me. We had dinner at his place, talked Very little, I expressed that I was hurt and left it at that, we cuddled on the couch, watched a movie, and I left (since the slow down, I wasn’t willing to sleep with him anymore as it had been 6 days that he decided to see me). Anyway, I asked if we were back to just dating and if we should date other people he said that he didn’t want to see anyone else. But, I’ve hardly heard from him regarding going out, so I have let him know that I will start dating again, since he wants to back off so much as I don’t want to miss my opportunity if he is not Mr right.
Am I going about it all wrong. Should I not date and just wait in him? So confused, please helpw
Hey Beth. It sounds like there is too much good here to just walk away or let it fade without effort to get through this. He has shown a desire to have a good relationship with you, but something you said to him apparently shocked him or scared him in a way you do not currently have insight about. Getting that insight is your top priority right now. Ask him to help you understand how the recent conversation about your concerns affect him. Tell him you want to know the truth so the two of you can work through it together.
I have a guy at work ask me out, I messed up and said no, you see he is English and at times has a heavy accent when he says certain phrases. He then began to avoid me. I sent him an email apologizing saying that I didnt understand him but that I found his accent very charming. He then began flirting with me. I thought about my mistake some more then decided to apologize in person. Then he stopped flirting with me which left me confused. I then decided not to pay attention to him altogether. After a week of ignoring him, he comes into the office and passes by my desk and casually says good morning to me so I could notice his haircut and see he was dressed nice. He still has not called me (he has my number), or asked me out again. I know from intuition that he likes me…What can I do at this point?–I’m a bit rusty on my man skills……
Hi Leonor. Try to keep things balanced, meaning you come close to matching his level of showing interest. Give it time so he can work up the nerve to approach you more directly again. He seems to have an unusual ideas about how to go about things, so it’s hard to say at this point what he needs to move forward. Give him time and reciprocate positive steps when the opportunities arise.
Nid some advice pls. am a hot and beautiful girl. Atleast wit some class or level but I notice that d kind of guys that approach me for relationship are lower than me. Lik 2 pipo in different class or category
Hey Joy. Are you saying you want to be approached by men who are better looking or something? Maybe you could clarify.
please define “lower than me”.
Joy, i am not a native english speaker, but the language you use is not classy-so maybe what outside world sees of you is not with class and level?! Could it be?!
Amen to that
Hi James,
There is a guy that I am really interested in. However before we met, he told me that he was already committed to meeting a lady he has been communicating with for over a year. We met anyway, in the context of friends. But we both developed feelings for each other, and although we still chat he refuses to see me as he says it confuses things. He is meant to meet this other lady this weekend. How do I get the upper hand here without actually seeing him and using all of the above in your article?
Hi Liesel. You said his motivation for not wanting to meet you was that he thinks “it confuses things.” Does that mean he wants to be friends rather than lovers, or does it mean it confuses his attempts to be loyal to this other woman?
If it’s the first scenario, you will want to lower his defenses by being a good friend. In time, he may become willing to spend time with you in person again or develop feelings for you that change his mind about being just friends.
If it is the second scenario, you will want to respect his decision to be loyal to a commitment, while keeping in mind that he has already met you (and found that to stimulate romantic feelings) while he has never met this other lady in person and the odds are against him feeling a connection. Be patient and consistent in staying a part of his life until he is ready to pursue something with you.
As far as I understand, it is the second scenario as he has said that if it wasn’t for the other lady, he would date me. I am afraid of landing in the “friendzone” and then staying there. I also find it difficult to talk to him lately because references to her are rather painful. I have reacted in the past rather angrily, and I’m sure by now he thinks I have multiple personalities as one minute I’m friendly and the next I’m telling him I dont want to speak to him anymore. I react with my heart and not my head, and I hope I haven’t completely ruined my chances by doing so.
Liesel, I hope you don’t mind me chiming in! But, relegate him into YOUR friend zone, as there are many quality men out there to choose from. It sounds like HE has multiple personalities and enjoys playing the field. If you enjoy flirting with him DO it, (and you should, as well, be interacting with other men to expand your options and fun), but do not extend much emotional energy on a guy who is too wishy washy to make any decisions regarding you. Too bad he will be missing out on a good thing! Good luck in finding the “right” one!
Yeah. I think Joan is making sense here, Leisel. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it is probably a sensible approach given the circumstances. Acceptance of reality as you find it will help you endure it with less mental anguish. It will also reduce those angry reactions you’ve been having when he mentions the other woman.
Honesty being the best policy, I think you should be upfront with him about what you’re feeling within this scenario..Sounds like After he meets her he needs the old Poop or get off the pot lecture. Don’t belittle yourself by letting him drag this out until he decides. You certainly don’t want to be the “Other woman” before even being the woman. I certainly get respecting his loyalty but at the same time if he’s been communicating with someone for over a year what’s he doing out there meeting you. In that light it doesn’t seem very loyal.Good Luck
James that’s the best thing o could hear,thank you for your help your the best!!!
Like blessed asked there is every sign showing his interest including love songs n complements he gives but has not said anything about it yet mean while his actions have put you in d mood too, how do you help him come out to say it?
My opinion is that if he has communicated it to you in these various ways he has already “said it” in his own way. Communication is not always verbal. Go with what he has already communicated.
I definitely agree with that James that communication is not always verbal. I had a boyfriend who found it difficult to actually say those 3 little words but he showed it in many ways. For example, got my coffee cup ready in the mornings; at times he woke up hours before me to get work done so he would put a blanket on the floor along the door crack as to block out noise of the tv and coffee maker; he would wait at the garage door and open it when I returned home from work; and more.
and you let him get away?
agree with lila. ehrm… guessing you exchanged him for a bad boy who gave attention once per month while keeping 5 other women? xD
Its actually a lot more that he did or did not do that I cannot share thus I exited out of the relationship. Even though it can feel right at times doesnt necessarily means he is the right guy for you.
Yes,i can’t stop time or other factors,like not marrying beacuase of other laws. I can turn it around though! One example is changing your story together.we still believed we had a future and I gave him some of my money,which he used to buy me an instructive book. I had asked for an investment-type gift to be bought and this book had all that was necessary to survive the breakup while continuing our converstaions and learning on into these days. Ann,age 57
You are lucky woman, Trisha, to have such attention and “communication” from the man!
Thanks, i will be expecting your respond
what if he is showing some signs, he is interested but has not said anything about it. how can you know he is really interested in you or he is just being nice as a friend?
Ah…excellent follow-up question. But that is an article for another day. 😉
My question exactly. I too, will be awaiting your response.
I am going through the exact same thing mixed feelings, cold heartless, mean, but hes still communicating. And after reading tricks to get him to fall for you ….it dawned on me just continue doing what your doing not in a clingy crazy persona but what you did to make him fall for you in the beginning. I now know mine is true love. As soon as he saw me no matter where he never took his eyes off me , were dating almost seven months but everyday was like it was yesterday!
what if it is a distance relationship
If he hasn’t already fallen for you, the “trick” would be showing up so he has the chance to fall for you. Long distance relationships are only worthwhile if they are moving toward something more (or if the distance does not preclude frequent in-person contact).
Reading the blog helps me understand what I want to do in a relationship. I’m going for what I want cause it makes me happy even if I failed.
Awesome!!! That’s what I like to hear!
Because of you I now know how to choose my partner insead of him choosing me. You’re
so right about the respect thing… Rachel
Thanks – my life is a bit messed up at the moment and you make me feel like I can handle it though