It’s one of the questions I get asked a lot:
“Am I too picky with guys?”
Have you ever wondered that?
Are you worried you’ll run out of options if you keep turning down guys who are interested?
Do you wonder whether you’re turning away guys who could have made you happy?
Holding out for a great match can mean you’re single for longer. You can start to doubt yourself. Maybe you should lower your standards. Maybe your dream man doesn’t exist.
But there are steep consequences to picking the wrong partner. You could be with Mr. Wrong when Mr. Right comes walking by. You could lose years in a relationship that’s going nowhere.
A bad relationship can even affect your career. As Sheryl Sandberg, author of Lean In, wrote: “The single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is.”
So don’t settle. At the same time, don’t write men off for not checking off all the boxes on your “perfect man” list.
When you keep your eye on the goal—a happy, healthy, lasting relationship—you prioritize qualities that matter, like communication, connection, and commitment.
Here are 3 tips to help you embrace your standards and find Mr. Right faster.
#1. Use the 90% Rule
It would be great if every single guy who approached you was a good match.
Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Your online dating inbox ends up flooded with messages from men you’d never date in a million years. Finding a good one is like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Some experts say you should expect that over 90% of the men who contact you will not be a match.
Which means that, if you go on 10 dates and only one of them seems promising, you’re doing well!
You’re not going to connect with everyone, and that’s okay. You don’t have to. All you have to do is keep searching until you find a genuine connection.
Dating is never going to be as easy as scrolling through a menu of bachelors on your phone and ordering up Mr. Right.
A client of mine compared dating to hunting for the perfect pre-loved outfit at a vintage store. You never know what you’re going to discover or whether that incredible find is going to be in your size.
Embrace that sense of discovery. Be prepared to go home empty-handed. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It just means you get to try again.
When you expect at least 90% of your connections to fall flat, it no longer feels as painful when one promising lead after another fizzles out.
Dating is a numbers game. You’ve got to keep putting yourself out there, gaining experience, and training your instincts to spot that great match.
#2. Say No When You Know
Because dating is a numbers game, you increase your odds of winning by becoming more efficient.
You don’t want to take ages agonizing over whether you should send a man a message or what you should say. You don’t want to keep exchanging messages if you’re not clicking. You want to trust yourself to spot promising matches and guiltlessly turn away the rest.
That’s easier than it sounds.
Have you ever found yourself saying yes to someone you knew in your heart wasn’t a match? Maybe he was particularly insistent, or you didn’t know how to say no, or you were lonely and he was the only one there.
Maybe you even told yourself that you shouldn’t be so picky. This guy could be a diamond in the rough.
If you’re not sure about a man, the easiest way to become sure is to arrange a virtual date or in-person date with him. Don’t keep chatting or texting. See him face to face.
Then pay attention to that first impression. If your gut says no, trust yourself. It’s probably right.
There’s no shame in not wanting to see someone again. You don’t want to fill up the space you have in your life with someone who’s a placeholder until a better option comes along.
#3. Make Your Own Options
By now, you know that most of the men you meet won’t be a match. Turning them down doesn’t make you picky—it makes you discerning.
But your job isn’t just saying no to the wrong men. It’s also saying yes to the right men.
When you take charge of your dating destiny and actively seek out men you find appealing, you speed up the process of finding Mr. Right.
You only run out of options if you’re waiting for options to be given to you.
When you create your own options—by approaching interesting men, striking up conversations, or sending that first online dating message—you enjoy an abundance of opportunities.
And they’re quality opportunities. You’re not just choosing among a short list of men who have expressed interest in you. You’re picking men who interest you.
So if you feel like you’re not meeting enough men who come up to your high standards, stop waiting for men to approach you. Find those high-quality men yourself. Then use your well-cultivated discernment to pick the best match!
I wanted to add some more comments after reading this again. It’s been a while since I posted my other comments.
I spent money going to a dating coach (btw, I’ll be 70 in 5/2024, just to put some context in).
Here’s what I learned about dating and dating apps.
Absolutely, follow my earlier advice about not settling. Don’t rush into a relationship, and:
1) Don’t listen to ANYONE who tells you it should only take one date to decide if there’s chemistry. Sometimes that immediate ‘chemistry’ is ‘sexual’ rather than romantic. I don’t believe in ‘love at first sight’ because it can take a good TWO years to REALLY know someone. We are ALWAYS on our best behavior in the beginning, trying to not to show any of our faults, and we ALL have some faults by the time we get to be adults. 🙂 This doesn’t mean that your instinct that we have met the person of our dreams is always wrong. Sometimes, it DOES happen, but very infrequently, and you need a LOT of time to REALLY get to know all of our partner’s good and bad sides.
2) Don’t dismiss someone on a first or second date. I’ve been so frustrated by women I had the best time with, and after the date, I asked for another and she said, “You’re fantastic! You’re a terrific conversationalist, funny, sensitive….(etc.), but I just don’t feel the romance or connection, so best we continue our search.” Chemistry usually takes time to develop. If your first instinct is that you had a great time, give it some time and don’t look for that instant chemistry. You may have very often let the best people go because you didn’t give it enough time.
3) What I learned from the dating coach on starting your search. Write down a list of all your wants in a person, and your needs. Your needs are your deal breakers, if the person doesn’t meet the criteria…like smoking, religion, etc. Your wants are things that you would really like the person to have but they are not deal breakers, like you’d like someone who loves the beach. Be realistic about your deal breakers.
4) What I learned from the dating coach about dating sites:
a) This may apply more to guys since we’re the ones who usually reach out to women. Unless you are are really attractive, the average response rate to introduction messages you send out to potential dates is about 10%. That means you need to send out about 100 messages to potential dates in order to get 10 responses and some of those may be a nice, “thanks, but no thanks.” So, the number of first dates may only be one or two out of a 100 messages. That can be extremely frustrating.
b) do not lie at all about anything on your profile. Have your actual details about age, height, etc. NO one likes to be surprised on the first date to find out that you’ve lied just to get a date, hoping that once you meet, he’ll forget that you don’t match up to what you listed.
c) Use current pictures..and do not have others in your photos. I can’t tell you how many times I passed by profiles because the woman’s profile had a bunch of people, and many of the same ones in multiple pictures, so I could never tell which one in the photos actually had posted the profile. NO VACATION PICS! OMG, there are so many women who post pictures of themselves lying on a chaise and the picture is of the woman facing a beautiful sunset. Men do NOT want to see those, any more than most women want to see pics of shirtless men on their motorcycles.
d) Use a “funnel” technique. From the profiles of people you want to meet, pick out 3 or 4 that really seem like they match up to your ideals. Start going out with them. As you start filtering them out, replace each one with someone new. Eventually, you’ll find the ones who meet your criteria.
I’m guessing there’s more, but that’s a start!
Hi Nancy,
Wow! I’m sorry for your situation! I would definitely forget about this other guy. There may be several reasons he pulled back. You said he was married. Perhaps his wife found out? Perhaps he is just taking advantage of your vulnerability and situation? I’ve known so many people who have had affairs and it never ended well. Someone almost always gets hurt.
As to your husband, it sounds like you need to get out as quickly as you can and if he has stalked you before, do you feel you need a restraining order against him? Is he dangerous? I think laws differ between states on what the requirements are in order to get the court to issue one.
Do you have the ability to get some counseling on the steps to take to help you move on?
I just read Dave S.’s comment. I can so relate. I did the exact same thing. I had a medical condition that gave me a short window of time to have children. I married someone my gut was telling me not to. I didn’t listen to myself and married him. I have been unhappy ever since. To top it off, I didn’t know that he was hiding a secret drug and alcohol addiction problem. I tried to leave him but he stalked me and made my life miserable. I lost jobs because of him. I ended up going back out of frustration. I have been back but have had secret crushes and secret male friendships behind his back because he is always drunk or high. I am 59 years old now and I am so tired. I accidentally got involved with a man from High School that I met on Facebook. We are both married but he said he was in the same boat. We became fast friends and ended up having sex. My emotions took over. Now, it is like he is playing games with me. He pulls away, then comes back. He said nothing is going on he is just busy but I can feel the difference. Should I just dump him and try to get over him? I don’t know what to do. I just sent him a text now I feel like a fool because he didn’t respond. I told him I was starting to feel like a fool because the last time I saw him he was loving and attentive. Then, just before he left, he would not look at me. I have heard from a little but but it is like pulling teeth to get him to respond to me. Now it is like I am begging him for attention. I don’t know what to do now. I know I need to take care of my situation but it is all overwhelming.
This article applies to men as much as women and I will tell you that I married someone that I wasn’t absolutely truly in love. I had gone out on hundreds of dates over the course of years and started figuring that perhaps my bar was set way too high and I was being unrealistic. So, I settled thinking that’s all there really was.
BIG mistake. I was married for 23 years and was unhappy for most of it.
My advice is to be picky, don’t waste your time dating people who are not meeting up to your expectations, and watch carefully for red flags because living with them over the long term will be untenable.
Everyday we learn something new.
Thank you so much guys for experience shared, its funny how this email just pop-up in right time,i exactly ask about myself the same question and i were telling myself maybe i should give up.😀
But reading this it really encourage me to not pick someone who my heart saying no.
I am very grateful i read this email early.
I wish you all peace,tranquillity and love that we all deserve💋💋💋💋
❤❤🇳🇦
I give up