You know the instant he starts to push you away.
You can feel it.
He doesn’t look at you. His kisses are cold. He makes plans for himself without you.
That’s when the panic hits.
You’re losing him. You know it.
You’ve got to do something to save your love.
You’ve got to bring him back to you. You’ve got to show him everything he’s missing without you.
As you spring into action, dreaming up surprises for him, sending tantalizing texts, hiding every trace of desperation…
You never realize you’re actually pushing him away.
The Intimacy-Distance Dance
It would be wonderful if we could be close to the person we love all the time.
We’d never fight. We’d never feel distant.
We’d always feel close and connected.
But that’s not how intimacy works.
Intimacy is more like a dance.
Sometimes you’re wrapped up in each other’s arms. Sometimes you’re on the opposite side of the dance floor. You’re always in motion—together, apart, together, apart…
Yet when the person you love pulls away, it doesn’t feel like part of the dance.
It feels like he’s walking away.
It feels like he doesn’t love you anymore.
It feels like he doesn’t want to be with you.
And you can’t trust that the dance will spin him back to you.
You want to stop the dance, march over to where he’s standing, and pull his arms around you again.
But you can’t.
Because you don’t want to make him come back to you.
You want him to come back to you on his own, because he loves you and can’t live without you.
Why He Pushes You Away
Men have different needs for space in their relationship.
Some men need a lot of distance before they’re ready to feel close to you again.
Other men just need a short break before they’re ready to reconnect.
Not all men know how to ask for the space they need in a healthy way.
Perhaps, in the past, when they tried to get some space, their previous partner attacked them for being cold and unfeeling.
So they don’t know what to do when they feel that need for space bubbling up.
They just know that they need a break from intimacy, and they worry that their partner will react negatively if they ask for it.
So they end up taking that space in an unhealthy way… without first communicating with you about it in a loving way.
They close down emotionally. They act rudely. They push their partner away, in the hope that she won’t want as much closeness for a few days or weeks.
What You Can Do
It’s really hard being with someone who closes down on you out of nowhere.
It’s even harder when he pushes you away rather than asking for space like an adult.
It’s much easier to be in a relationship with a partner who has similar intimacy needs to you.
Find someone who likes to be close just about as often as you like to be close.
Still, regardless of who you choose, you will have to deal with times where he wants space and you want to be close.
What you should do in these situations is this:
- Honor his need for space.
- Honor your need for emotional connection.
What that means is this…
When he pulls away or pushes you away, give him what he wants. Give him that space. Understand that it’s all part of the dance.
When he can’t or won’t connect with you emotionally, don’t ignore your need for connection. Go out and connect with the other people you love. Spend time with your girlfriends. Call your family. Don’t stay home alone with your thoughts.
You have a legitimate need to feel close to those you love. But sometimes the people you want most won’t be available. That’s why you need an emotional support network. You need a range of people you can rely on for different needs.
You need people to have fun with.
People to have deep conversations with.
People who knew you way back when.
Those people will remind you you’re worthy.
They’ll remind you that you’re great company and fun to be with.
That’s a message you need when your guy is acting distant.
Ultimately, my biggest wish for you would be to find a partner who can express his need for space in a healthy way.
He’d never be gone for too long. He’d never make you feel unwanted.
And it would be easy for you to let him go, knowing that he’ll always return, trusting in the dance to spin him back to you.
My fiance broke up with me after 11 years together on January 14, 2022. He sent me a text from the hospital where he was fighting covid related double pneumonia. He was in the hospital for 2 weeks. After his 3rd day is when he wrote me to move out. No explanation no nothing, just told me to move out. I did move out on the 31 of January. He sent a friend over with the cops to get his guns out of the house, and his twin sisters to get clothes. I took everything that was in my room, and he’s now telling everyone he knows that I’m a thief. He will answer texts however he will not see me nor talk to me on he phone. I’m BBC still in love with him and would like to reconcile with him.
By the way, he talks about me like he hates me and he is spending a lot of time with a female friend he’s known for 15 years, but was never in a relationship with. What do I do? I’m trying to get over him.
My marriage is the same way as Marta. Been with him 23yrs married for 18 years I was pregnant with our second child on may 16 2004 and our second was July 27 2004. I know all marriage or relationship has good days and bad days. My question is and I have try talking texting writing him to tell him what I feel about our life together.., for 2016 he file papers for divorce but didn’t go thru with it bc I ask him not to. Well since then we do good as long as family and friends stay away from us or as long as he doesn’t bring them into our problems that hear from from him talking crap but it’s okay with to make plans with out me or okay yo not go do things I told I wanted to and year after he first take me with him. He does construction work on polo ground for Coachella and stage coach any way he doesn’t take me or ask me.This year I asked him why and he said is because he’s embarrassed of me and he doesn’t want me around his friends because he didn’t know how to react when he starts talking to girls in front of me and ignore me in the mean time there is also the fishing trip this company takes to Mexico the boss pays. And it’s always on or around our wedding anniversary.,, he goes every time for 2015. I don’t like being put off on our anniversary, he already don’t spend anymore time with me due to concerts and busy with the work prior he knows how I feel he knows it hurts my feelings he knows it upsets me and yet he doesn’t care or respond to that if he does respond he just says well I wanna go fishing and you never wanna go with me but he’s never asked me and I have asked him but he still won’t take me he always has excuses of why he doesn’t do things with me or even give me and him a long time we had three kids now they were teenagers we got married when I was pregnant with her second one so I understand why I didn’t get a wedding or honeymoon but now that our kids are growing and they don’t need adult supervision that they could stay home by themselves like me and him go do a week and get away for two days. He won’t do it and his excuse is he doesn’t have the money but yet he knows it comes up every year I don’t get that that’s not excuse to me that’s just a copout for being a jerk. He also knows that I feel about that we got married for circumstances not for love or that he got married to me because he loved me and wanted to be with me I feel he’s got married to me because we already had two kids and it was because of our circumstances and obligation he tells me that’s not it but I feel that because of how he treats me and treats our anniversary it’s not important to him it doesn’t matter to him that’s how I feel and I tell him that.My question is I have makes emotions I feel like I should back off which I did this year I actually moved out of the house and stayed with my friend because he asked me to because he wouldn’t get rid of my brother who was staying with us and he was causing a lot of problems in her marriage which we already had problems and he chose my brother to stay because of the concert and he needed him to work and asked me to leave and come back afterwards. I don’t know what to do I’m at wits end I’m about to just walk away from our marriage but I don’t wanna do that and I don’t think he does but his actions show different his words show different too but he only sees these words when he’s been drinking and he’s a jerk towards me because I’m getting mad and angry and yelling at him after ignoring me which my situation doesn’t help our situation in his situation and how he treats me I get that it’s a toxic roller coaster ride I don’t know if I should do a separation or just back off and see what happens with us on how he does things. I know from the past once the concerts are done fishing trips is done then he starts kind of being nice to me doesn’t do anything with me but just be nicer to me kind of like suck me back yet his weather tangles of emotions that he causes and doubts that he causes and his deceitfulness that he causes all trust issues that I have with him after eight years. If you please can you give me some kind of advice or guidelines that I can use to help make my decision of what I should do with my marriage with him thank you
Hi Regina,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Hi James,
I’m in the near divorce situation. My husband of 14 years and 18 years long relationship is in a bad place. And instead of facing his issues, he started blaming me for the way he feels. He claims when I’m around he feels tens and nervous. He is a man of little words. Doesn’t like to talk about his emotions at all. He keeps bubbling up all inside. At first I tried what you suggested in couple of your books. But it only worked for awhile. You see I became impatient to know where our marriage stand. We have two boys and all this inevitable started affecting them too. My husband says he wants peace and quiet and he can’t have that when I’m around. I left our house to give him space but I’m afraid he won’t want me back. I’m emotionally drained and don’t know what to do next. For me divorce is not an option because I still feel our merriage and our family is worth the effort. We had some bad times and a lot of good times. However somewhere on the way we neglected our relationship which brought us to where we are now. We are both in our forties struggling with kind of depression but each for it own. Our biggest issue is lack of communication. And I could go on and on. We once went to a therapy but he’s not much into that aa he thinks it won’t help our case. Especially because he claims he is tired of trying ans he gave up. He has no interest in trying to fix our relationship. And I can’t do it alone. I am desperate for some solid advice. One more thing. I lost my job so no club enrollment is possible for me at this point.
Hi Marta, my name is Shanara, please call me or email me I have been married for 31 years to my husband and we went through the same situation almost a year ago that you are going through. So please I beg you to contact me. James I am going to put my personal information into this reply please leave it. I’m giving you permission to allow it to be on the website or wherever it ends up so that Marta receives my message or whoever would like to contact me. Please allow me to help! If you cannot, I understand but I have to try anyways! 316-253-0927 [email protected]
Hello my name is Michelle and I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We were friends for a whole year before we actually became a couple. He’s the only man I have been with that actually has a lot of the same interests as I do besides sex. But soon as we actually started dating he changed. And now I have found out he’s been going to dating sites and constantly looking at porn and he doesn’t want to have sex with me at all. He pushes me away and I try to give him space but that still doesn’t work. He says I run my mouth but I don’t. He was on his phone for 20 hours one day. Actually he spends almost all his time on his phone and we hardly speak. He doesn’t kiss me anymore and we rarely touch and I know he hasn’t been with anyone but I don’t know what to do? I have no friends I talk to just him. Please help? What should I do?
So I dated this guy for 8 months before sleeping with him finally. We became amazing friends in those month, we had an emotional connection to one another by having very similar traumatic experiences with our kids other parent cheating continuously and getting no closure from those partners, so we instantly bonded. Well things got pretty serious after sex and the love word was used, first by him and I finally but fearfully said it too and it seemed amazing but then one day he just stopped, we worked as caretakers in someone’s home for that 8 months we were seeing each other so we saw one another daily regardless of how our relationship was going so he just pulled away and stop answering my texts and blatantly began flirting with another employee with me standing in the room ,trying to hold back the tears from feeling so betrayed. Why did he act so cold and callous after pursuing me so relentlessly before. I have been doing better and doing my own thing now and it doesn’t hurt as bad now 2 months later but I still notice little glances and I have on multiple occasions seen him act jealous when any other male is talking to me but yet he still will flirt with various very young naive and forward women. I mean females that have little going for them, no job, needy, high maintenance too..I have a good job, my own money and can hold my own, which is I know where the hero instinct must come into play somewhere. Did I somehow take him feeling like the provider away? Idk but I want to know how to re-spark something in him. Get his attention again and leave him thinking about me and questioning his decision to be so cold hearted to me. I have been solid, he changed so suddenly. I just want the person I know he is back, because the guy he’s pretending to be is not a good man.
I am really sorry this has happened to you. Maybe find a few books about men who will not commit, it will help you feel better. This happens to all women who get involved with non-committers, and the stories you read will sound very familiar. He just got too close and got scared. He isn’t pretending to be the man he is. He is being who he is. I know it’s confusing. But don’t go on what you remember, because that is the man you really didn’t know. You are better off now. Move on. But remember, as soon as you feel healthy and have resolved your pain, he will show up. If he has narcissistic tendencies he will want to keep you on his radar. Don’t confuse that for a relationship. I say no contact ever again and keep moving on. There are so many fish in the sea, and every new relationship brings new ideas and different kinds of fun into your life. You are valuable, be treated that way. Best wishes.
Hi James. I’m in love with a man who is distant. Sometimes he gets close and wants to commit but then changes his mind almost immediately. And he won’t give a reason as to why. I don’t understand why he’s scared of committing to me. Or what I can do to help in this situation.
Hey Vienna,
It sounds like he may be waiting for something. You should check out James’ book: His Secret Obsession. It goes into the different relationship stages that all men go through and teaches you how to trigger “The Hero Instinct”. I think it will help you with this crossroad you’ve come to and move forward into your future!
Best,
Tracey
Hi,
I have been dating a man for a couple months, it has been very fun. 1 week ago I sent one text in hopes to push the obsession trigger with me.
I did receive flowers the same day I should be happy right? I was but I don’t understand what has happened.
For 4 days he did not contact me, ok I can deal with that… he’s on vacation. I text him 4 days later, once again I received short texts that showed no emotion. The last text of our conversation was from me, he never responded.
How can we go from our last encounter being 11 on a scale of 1-10 to nothing?
I don’t get it, maybe you have some insight you can share with me.
J
Hi J,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Hello,
I’m very much at loss . My boyfriend of 6 years is having a affair he won’t be honest with me about it. Here’s just a couple of things he’s done.
Yesterday was Valentines Day, we live at storage, the units are like small warehouses. So around noon he tells me he’s going to one of the guys units here. He didn’t go. At around 4:00 he calls me to tell me that he’s on his way to the parts store to get parts. So he can fix the women’s car that he’s having sex with. So he spent Valentine’s Day with the other woman that he said she’s just a friend. “Bull” He won’t move out. God I loved this man with all my heart but he’s tearing me apart. A month ago he locked himself in his unit here and then after ripping out my heart laughed at me and told me it was a joke and nothing happened. What is wrong with this man? What should I do? I don’t want to love him anymore but I do, and it hurts too much. Please help me, no one should be able to hurt anyone this much.
Leave him! Why do you allow him to do such horrible discriminating acts against you. You are allowing him to do this to you
Hi
My long term partner of 3 and a half years has been cheating on me for a year. I just found out 2 months ago. He chatting to all Asian women especially one of them for year.(she told me that they are together) and she is from other country (he met them on one of Asian dating websites in Facebook) ( Philippines). She told me that they planning to have a secret marriage in his mother’s church in my country (Ireland) so when I asked my partner-he said rubbish!!! My partner is having sexual fantasy with Asian women as he admitted that to me.
I know it in my gut that he is hiding from me so he blame me for his cheating ways which I told him that was his choice and his responsibility and that is no excuse whether I’m there or not. He’s broken my heart into piece. He often blocks me (his silly silent treatment) and has BPD and maybe narcissistic.
We had a great relationship at the beginning and we still have our great sex life..
So what is missing??
We live in separate homes
We are both same age of 54.
It must be too old for playing games. He is so immature.
Any advice???
Will be much appreciate.
Hi Ellen. Have you gotten really clear with yourself about what you want from him right now? I mean, could you say in a sentence or two exactly what you think he should do if he wants to invest in the relationship with you at this point, given everything that’s happened? Try writing it down. See how clear you can make it.
My next question for you is whether he knows the answer you wrote down. Do you think he sees a clear path to salvaging his relationship with you? If not, some people find it helps to give a man a very clear path that shows him how he can still win despite his mistakes and missteps.
If he chooses to harden his heart against you, then we are dealing with another matter entirely. But receiving a clear path makes it easier to discover whether he truly desires to fix things with you and build a beautiful relationship with you.
Always on your side,
James
Ms Ellen my advice to you is to cut the relationship at the soonest possible time. He is not serious about your relationship. Believe that “patterns of behaviors will not change” as Psychology declares. If he loves you he will be true to you and if he needs to fantasize he will do it with you.
It happened to me, my husband played around women, more inferior than me. It was an on and off unfaithfulness. This is the worst thing that a man can do to a woman with whom he is in a relationship. I confronted him many times but he would always say that he loves me and what he does to other women is only an escape to his fantasies and that there is nothing serious about it. But however, having been hurt thru the years, I found myself at a period of “pitying myself” and decided to cut it off. I filed an annulment case against him.
With this decision, I found peace and I was able to preserve my self-respect. Now I found a man who really loves me and focuses eyes on me. Good Luck and God Bless!
What an amazing post! This is exactly what I needed right now. A reply for my question. Thank you!