When relationships end, they end for a reason.
Reasons such as…
- Feeling distant from one another
- Feeling like you’re not on the same page
- Fighting a lot
- Feeling like you can’t trust your partner anymore
Even when you know a relationship isn’t working, it can be really hard to let go.
Half of couples who break up have mixed feelings about it.
They know why they want to end it, but there are reasons to stay, too.
Reasons like…
- Hoping the other person will change
- Having invested so much in the relationship
- Feeling like you depend on the other person
- Dreading the experience of being single again
That’s good news for anyone who can’t stop hoping they’ll get back together.
If you are one of those people, there’s a 1 in 2 chance that your ex feels ambivalent about your breakup.
He’s decided it’s not working, but he’s not sure it’s the right decision.
And that uncertainty is incredibly uncomfortable for him.
He may treat you poorly in hopes of getting a reaction from you, a reaction that will help him justify ending the relationship.
He may cut off all contact so he doesn’t have to be reminded of the feelings he still has for you.
He may numb himself by throwing himself into work or over-exercising or partying or drinking, anything that keeps him from thinking about what he’s just done.
Meanwhile, your heart is hurting.
You still think there’s hope for the two of you. You don’t know why he gave up so soon.
You want him to listen to that voice inside telling him he made a mistake.
But how do you do it?
5 Messages You Need to Convey
If you want your ex to listen to his doubts and reconsider his decision, you need to create space for him to do that.
He can’t miss you if you’re still in his life.
He needs to experience your absence.
He needs to feel that you respect his decision and no longer attempt to stay involved.
He needs to experience the freedom of being on his own again. He also needs to see that you have embraced that freedom, too.
And maybe, just maybe, the reasons he broke up with you will seem ridiculous after a few months.
You can improve your odds by conveying these 5 messages to him.
1. You have accepted his decision.
Perhaps the biggest way exes shoot themselves in the foot is by not accepting their partner’s decision to leave the relationship.
He needs to know that you respect his decision. He has the right to decide how he will live his life, even if you wish he’d chosen differently.
You do not see yourself as his girlfriend anymore. You accept that you no longer have emotional influence over him. You have moved on.
Which brings us to #2…
2. You’ve moved on with your life.
You’ve embraced the freedom that comes with being single.
You’ve given yourself permission to do all those things that you didn’t do, or weren’t able to do, when you were one-half of a couple.
You are looking ahead and exploring what your future holds. You are trying new things. You are leaning on your social network. You’re even dipping a toe into dating.
3. You miss him.
Despite all this, there’s a part of you that misses him.
You’re not embarrassed of it. It’s normal, after you’ve been in a relationship that long.
You can admit that you still have feelings without making too much of those feelings. There will always be a part of us that loves our ex. That doesn’t mean we can’t move on with someone else.
This piece is vital if you want to leave an opening for him.
If he thinks you hate him, or you’re glad you’re no longer together, or you no longer feel anything for him at all, then he won’t think there’s anything between you anymore.
4. It won’t get emotionally messy if you talk to each other.
What’s holding him back from talking with you is the fear that it will get emotionally messy.
A lot happened between you. There were things said that probably shouldn’t be said. He worries that you have lingering resentments.
So, if you do end up in contact again, remember:
He doesn’t want it to get weird. He doesn’t want to rehash the past. He wants you to feel normal and okay with each other again.
5. He gets to keep his self-respect.
A lot of women dream about their ex coming back to them on their knees, begging.
But if that’s your fantasy, know that it could be pushing him away.
He doesn’t want to have to humble himself just to get back with you. He’s not interested in further humiliation.
If he ends up taking the first steps toward reconciliation, treat him with as much respect and dignity as you did when you first got together.
Don’t bring the baggage of the past to the present. This is a new start.
And, with any luck, it could be the beginning of something beautiful.
Hi James,
I want to get back together with my ex. I realize I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past few months we were together; making him feel unneeded by taking over plans, crossing boundaries, not having his back with my friends, and not listening. Our great relationship slowly died because of my overfunctioning! He’s moving soon (but I’ll be moving where he is in the summer) so I’ll only have text and social media to rebuild our relationship. I know he still loves me, but right now we lack connection and he wants to just “be friends” and not speak for a while. I need help!!! I want to inspire him to come see me before he moves, to chase me and be a damsel. But I’m not sure what to text him after my apology and agreeing to respect his space. I’m thinking of applying the Rachel method. I hope you’ll reply as I only have a few days before the move!!
Break ups are hard but we must keep our dignity as we move on. Give him that space and he will see what he has lost.
He might think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but just wait until he has to mow the lawn.
My ex and I began talking about getting married and three weeks later, he let me know he wanted to go physically fly to see his ex girlfriend so they could have closure. Having him fly to see his ex was completely unsatisfactory to me so I told him if he wanted me to wait around to see if you can work things out with his ex, I was out
After a week, I asked him to see if we can work through this., He decided “it’s best if we go our separate ways, and maybe sometime in the future, our lives will be reunited”
Also, I believe towards the end he is texting numerous other women
However, he keeps sending me emails of things he thinks I might be interested in and just dropped off a present at the house.
Do I ask him to give me space? How do I ask him to give both of us the space to see if he actually wants to come back or is he just using me as a filler until he finds someone else?
Hi James.. I’m not sure I want to get back with him. I just want to know what made him decide it wasn’t working. I didn’t push for a real answer when he broke it off. I just accepted it, and it’s keeping me from moving on. Is it demeaning of me to ask him to talk it out with me? I’m thinking I shouldn’t wait too long then text him about it out if the blue. What do you think?