Look, I get it. As a man who helps women achieve happier romantic outcomes with guys, I know it sometimes seems like men are from another planet.
You don’t know why guys do the things they do. They don’t make sense.
But men were born on the same planet as everyone else.
Men also want to feel loved. They want to feel special. They want to belong.
But the lessons they learned growing up taught them that they have to go about getting those good things in a different way.
Knowing how men go about getting what they want—even if it’s not how you would do it—can help you understand some of a guy’s strange behaviors.
Why does he make a joke right when you’re trying to share something emotional? Why does he have to win at everything? Why does he buy new gadgets when his old ones work just fine?
Because he’s pursuing 3 male values…
Values you have to understand if you want to understand men.
What It Means to Be a Man
When was the last time someone put pressure on you to “be a woman”?
For many women, even the idea sounds ludicrous.
Women are women. They don’t need to prove it!
But many young men experience a great deal of pressure to “be a man.”
They’re taught strict rules about what being a man means. If they fail to live up to this standard, they’re mocked or excluded.
On the other side of manhood is everything they want: strength, freedom, self-determination, respect, admiration.
So being a man can feel like life or death to him.
Nothing matters more than proving himself worthy of the name.
But sometimes his need to be a man can interfere with your relationship.
It can feel as if his male ego is more important than loving you.
Before you write him off as insensitive, see if you can spot these 3 male values at work.
His Values as a Man
Chances are, he was taught growing up that these 3 things mattered more than anything:
- Competition
- Status
- Independence
He was taught that being a man means competing for status and never losing his independence.
He was taught that failing to compete, achieve status, or maintain his independence would compromise his manhood.
No wonder these values are so important to him.
But sometimes they make it difficult for you.
Here’s how these values can come into conflict with your relationship (and what to do about it)…
Competition
Ever noticed how some guys have to turn everything into a competition?
He can’t just play a game with you. He has to beat you.
It’s so irritating, when all you wanted was to have a nice time together. He doesn’t seem to realize that his win means you lose.
Another way he competes is through banter and wordplay.
You try to talk to him about something, and, instead of empathizing, he makes a joke. He can’t seem to help himself. He shoots off one-liners in lieu of having an actual conversation.
The best way to defuse this habit is through humor. Tease him about his competitive instincts and gently redirect him towards what you need.
Status
Why does he have to have a faster car or the newest phone when his old car and phone are good enough?
It’s the same reason too many men seek younger girlfriends as arm candy.
It’s because of status.
Men are very much aware of where they rank among other men. There’s a social hierarchy, and they want to be moving up it.
Conspicuous consumption is a way for him to claim higher status. If he has the best of something, that puts him above men who don’t.
You might notice that he gets stressed when he feels like his status is in jeopardy.
A man who loses status at work because, say, a younger team member got promoted, might attempt to boost his status in other ways, like buying an expensive piece of technology or spending hours at the gym.
Instead of shaming him for his behavior, try to get him to talk about what’s going on underneath. What is he worried about? What does he need to feel strong again?
Independence
There’s a reason men love action movies. They see themselves as the protagonist, saving the world singlehandedly.
Every man believes himself capable of answering the call to adventure and walking away from his life without a backwards glance.
It’s the archetype of the “lone wolf.” Being a man means not needing anyone else. It means having complete control over your destiny.
But—as you and I know—that’s at odds with what is required in love.
Love means being needed and needing someone else. Love requires compromise and a shared destiny.
Men who associate independence with manhood can struggle in relationships. They feel like they have to keep pulling away to reaffirm the fact that they don’t need anyone.
If this is something your man struggles with, recognize that he’s not pulling away because he doesn’t want to be with you. He’s pulling away because he feels like he has to.
If this is something you can live with, let him go. Use that time to nourish yourself. Notice whether he seems recharged when he returns.
You may just be with a man who needs regular breaks from togetherness to be a good partner.
Life would be so much easier if men and women were always on the same page. But it’s our differences that create sparks. Learn to love what makes you different instead of judging it, and love will be much smoother sailing!
I agree with Nancy. Girls are brought up being told how to be a “proper lady/woman”:
“Let the Boy win”
“Play Dumb”
“It is better to be underestimated than to scare the men away”
“Don’t sit that way”
“Don’t stand that way”
“Don’t walk that way”
“Don’t wear that”
“Keep your nails done”
“Always look put together”
I spent the first 10 years of my life certain that everyone thought I was a boy because I was competitive, smart, active and athletic. It wasn’t until I grew breasts that I was sure they could figure it out. If we stand up for ourselves or get mad, we get labeled, and if we climb the professional ladder people make assumptions.
So yes, we all have been taught to “be” something that we naturally are, but in a way that squashes who we are, and if we diviate, then those people say we failed. for instance I have a masters degree, am an executive director of a non-profit, own my own house and go on vacations (my version of success); my dad tells everyone I am his failure because I am not married and have no children, and never learned how to be a “real woman.”
I started to get to know this younger man in my apartment because he kept seeking me out. He started by asking me to go on a walk then it was window shopping. Or he would ask if we could have a cup of coffee together. When he found out I was a baker he started using all kinds of reason to pick my brain about baking. I never dreamed at the time he had any romantic interest in me at all. I never saw the signs until 6 months later he invited me up to his apartment and before I knew it we were locked in a very heated and passionate kiss. I ran because I didn’t trust myself, then I felt really guilty when he was texting me to come back up there and give him just 15 minutes of passionate kisses. He just turned 50 in December, and I will be 65 in March. I will admit I had started developing a romantic infatuation for him since the summer before. I told him I was still married and in the process of getting a divorce but that I didn’t feel free to engage in anything until my divorce was final. Well, he cooled way down and told me he wasn’t interested in any kind of relationship and has said it several times. He then would start ghosting me but every 3/4 days he seeks me out again, and I think we are resuming our friendship. Yesterday he invited me up for a cup of coffee and I came up still in my workout stretch pants and top. He started talking about how he wanted to see the movie again “My Best Friend’s Wedding” and put on the cd and we were listening to it and then he pulls me real close and starts dancing with me and kissing the top of my head. I feel like a piece of taffy that keeps getting pulled in 2 different directions. The way he looks at me with that beautiful grin and the fact that he always finds ways to be touching me all the time. Whenever I have a problem he is right there trying to help me solve it. Which I know is natural in a man they are problem solvers. His actions tells me he is very much invested but the words suggest otherwise. He told me I was a very woman for being 64. We are both highly intelligent people and have had excellent conversations. We have so much in common about everything. Am I wasting my time, or do you think I have something good to hold onto. Because my feelings for him are so strong I can’t go one day without thinking about him 300 times. I wish I could afford to go through your class but unfortunately I am only on disability and can’t afford it. Thank you for listening, Starla Barnhill
He’s obviously not respecting your boundaries. Some men will do this without even realizing it, but for others it’s highly calculated and intentional.
Entering the dating pool again after being married obviously v can be downright frightening. However, you and him are both old enough to know who you are and what you want. Processed with caution and DO NOT ignore ANY red flags you may see. Get to know him first. Why is he single? What’s his story? Is he financially secure? Emotionally stable? Does he have a lot of long term friends, possibly even ex’s he’s remained friends with?
The true judge of a man’s character is who he has in his life and do they STAY in his life. It’s one thing if you’re in your 20’s or 30’s to not want any “baggage”. However the opposite rings true at his age. Lack of baggage can actually be a major concern. How he speaks about his ex’s and past relationships can be of great insight. Being friends with them actually shows good character and can mean he’s probably a pretty good guy. Before you let your emotions completely blind you, get to know those around him. Friends, family members, etc. if he’s not close with his family and seems continuously cycle through new friends without retaining any long term ones. That’s a HUGE red flag right there!!!
I recommend you even due your diligence and run a quick search on him through a paid site like ID true, or Intellius. This is a very common thing most women do to ensure their own safety and piece of mind about a person. If after all that, and he seems to be who he says he is… then you’re free to truly follow your emotions and go with your heart without second guessing yourself. I truly wish you the best and hope he proves himself to be deserving of all love and happiness you have to offer him, and vice versa.
I do take exception to your observation that women are not told to “be a woman.” Technically that is true – those actual words are not used. However, from an early age, girls are told to “act like a lady.” And that, I believe, contributes to a lack of self-confidence as well as a variety of attitudes and behaviors that men find puzzling; mindsets that contribute to misunderstandings between men and women. I do appreciate this article as a help in understanding guys. Although your writings are aimed at women, I would think men would benefit from and explanation of how “acting like a lady” drives some female behaviors. Understanding his lady can allow a man to put aside his ego in favor of furthering his relationship with a special lady. Accommodation of the other’s emotional needs is a two way street. I submit that a man who cannot control his knee-jerk behaviors: competing win in all interactions, needing to be right (status) and resistance to suggestions from his partner or spouse (independence) is not (yet) emotionally mature.
Those are all excellent points, Nancy. Thanks for your thoughtful contribution.