When you met your guy, it was amazing.
He treated you like a queen.
He took you out. He listened. He wanted to learn everything you liked so he could give it to you.
You felt seen, treasured, appreciated….
Everything you’d ever hoped for.
So why does he do NONE of those things now?
Now he just slumps on the sofa and watches the game and expects you to be there.
It’s like he did all that work of winning you…
And now he doesn’t have to do anything.
Why??
Doesn’t he value you anymore?
To figure out the answer, you need to know 3 things about men.
#1. His focus shifts once he gets into a relationship.
The flames of passion burn hot when you meet someone new.
Your body is flooded with lust and attraction chemicals that give you a boost of energy and wellbeing. You can stay up all night with your beloved and bounce into work the next day. Colors seem sharper; the world feels full of possibilities.
Yet that honeymoon phase eventually cools. It HAS to. You don’t have the energy to keep it up.
You’ve put your regular life on hold while you were swept away by love. Now you’re thinking more clearly. You’ve got friends who’ve missed you and a job that needs your full attention. You’ve got to find a way to fit this relationship into your everyday life.
For a lot of men, this transition is difficult.
They tend to focus on one thing at a time. Either they’re devoting 100% of their time and energy to a new relationship OR they’re devoting 100% of their time and energy to their job or their hobby or something else.
When a man’s focus shifts away from his relationship—as it has to, because there is more to his life than her—it feels to his partner like she’s been left out in the cold.
He may not even notice he’s done it.
Now that he’s got something else to occupy his full attention, he doesn’t even realize he’s sidelined the woman he worked so hard to win.
So, before you assume he doesn’t value you any more, give him a nudge.
He doesn’t want to work or watch football all the time, either. He wants balance.
Plan something fun so that he has a reason to clear space in his schedule and make time for you.
#2. He prefers the path of least resistance.
Guys know they have to hustle to win a great woman’s heart.
They have to be their best self for her. They’ve got to think of creative ways to win her over.
Once the deed is done and they’re in a relationship…
The first thing a guy thinks is, “Great! Now I can relax.”
Guys like it when things are easy.
That’s why they secretly love relationships.
Relationships are comfortable. Being single is too much work.
So, if your guy is settled on the sofa each night playing video games, he’s obviously very comfortable with you. That’s a good thing!
If you want him to do something different, motivate him.
Give him opportunities to do something for you that puts a smile on your face.
You might sit back and say:
“Honey, it would be so nice if you did this thing for me,” or
“Honey, take me out tonight. I’m in the mood for some fun.”
Then, when he does it, reward him by expressing pleasure.
When you tell your man what you want him to do, and you make it worth his while, you make it easy for him.
And that’s what all guys want their relationship to be.
#3. He wonders if it’s over when the passion cools.
Some guys get hooked on the rush of new relationships.
They think that the passion and intoxication and obsession of the honeymoon phase is supposed to last forever if it’s the right person.
So, when the relationship cools down and switches gears to friendship, attachment, and commitment, these guys get bored.
They know, because of online dating apps, that there are plenty of other women out there.
So they check out of the relationship, hoping you’ll end it so they don’t have to feel guilty and they can move onto meeting someone new.
There’s an easy way to test this with a man:
Ask him how long his average relationship lasts.
If he never keeps a relationship past 3 months, then it’s unlikely your relationship will last any longer, no matter how great of a match you are.
Sometimes, it can help to talk to a guy about the stages of a relationship.
Not all guys know that the honeymoon phase is supposed to end.
They don’t realize that, once you get through the bumps of the reality check, there’s something even better waiting on the other side.
So talk about it.
Ask him if he wants to see what’s on the other side.
Because you’ve got to go through the trenches in order to arrive at real love.
I live with my boyfriend and have for 4 years ever since my son was shot and murdered. He told me to sell my home so I did. He was so so attentive when we first got together. Now all he does is cars Kentucky Ballistic on the internet and that dn 3rd generation Cummins crap he use to want me to come to lunch he would buy me lunch now it is me buying and then he starts earring at work he doesn’t even say that k you for supper nothing he’ll I don’t know I think he is a narcissist. He shows me lost of attention love and then nothing no touching nothing it is like a rollie coaster.
Hi Tammy,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
I had a female friend suggest that I read two books: One was “For Men Only” and the other was “For Women Only”. I ordered both books and after reading both of them (The authors suggest that both genders should read both books).
The books help us understand what the other spouse (or significant other) is thinking since men and women are definitely wired differently.
When I read “For Women Only” I saw myself described so well, it was scary! I had another woman friend of mine read both books and she said the “for Men Only” so accurately described the issues she was having with her fiancé, that she wrote on the margins, “John, READ THIS!!” because it was showing exactly what she wanted that her fiancé to be doing, that he wasn’t, such as regularly telling her that he loves her. He said, “Well you know I love you”, and she said, “well, I guess I know that, but TELL once in a while.
I think these books will absolutely help everyone manage their relationships better.
As for men, we are generally the pursuers, and as was mentioned in this article, we are doing whatever we can to “win the prize”, i.e., win the love and the affection of the woman. The book tells us that the pursuit should NEVER end. We should be doing for our spouse, the same things we did when dating, for the rest of our lives. These books completely opened my eyes!