Carol and her guy had been going through a rough patch.

It wasn’t anything new.

It was the same old problems they’d always struggled with.

“I just don’t think we can make it work,” she told me. “We’ve tried so many times. I’m discouraged. He’s discouraged.” She laughed bitterly.

“We’re on a break right now, and I need your help. Should we try again? Or should we throw in the towel?”

I felt for Carol.

She and her partner Greg always seemed like such a strong couple. But I never saw what went on behind closed doors.

I didn’t see their arguments. I didn’t see the distance that had grown between them. I didn’t see the way they’d begun to pick at each other.

They’d been together five years, and it was time to make a decision: part ways or put a ring on it.

The Hidden Message in Your Relationship Story

“Carol,” I said, “let’s talk about your story.”

She gave me a confused look. “What story?”

“The story of your relationship. If I had the two of you sitting here in front of me, how would you tell me the story of your relationship?”

“Well, I guess it would start when we both met.” She smiled, remembering.

As Carol told me about the ups and downs of their years together, I paid less attention to the details than the way she looked as she related their story.

It was clear to me she still felt so much fondness and affection for Greg.

They kept getting back together because there was still love there.

Now I had to help Carol decide how she wanted her story to end.

Choose How You Tell Your Story Wisely

In every relationship, you have problems and you have the story you tell about those problems.

It’s not always possible to fix your problems.

But it is always possible to change your story.

The story Carol brought to me is this one:

When you keep struggling about the same things in a relationship, you shouldn’t be together.

Of course that story frightened her.

She loved Greg. She’d invested years into that relationship.

But that’s not the only story she could have told.

Perpetual Problems

The Gottman Institute tells a different story about relationship problems.

They’ve found that over two-thirds of all relationship conflict stem from what they call perpetual problems.

These problems cannot be solved, because they’re rooted in the fundamental differences between two people.

If the Gottman Institute were telling Carol and Greg’s story, they might say:

When you’re two different people trying to make a relationship work, of course you have struggles. Some you can fix. Others, you have to learn to live with.

How might it change Carol’s perspective to know that she and Greg would always have the same problems, no matter how much they loved one another?

Would it come as a relief—or as the final nail in the coffin?

You Don’t Always Have to Fix It

That’s when I turned to Carol again.

“Can you live with the differences between you and Greg?”

“You mean if nothing ever changes?” she asked.

I nodded.

She chewed her lip as she thought.

“So you’re basically saying that it’s not about us being dumb and unable to get along. It’s that we’re trying to fix something we really need to learn to live with and manage.”

“Exactly,” I said. “It’s always your choice. If you really can’t live with the way Greg is, then you should move on. But it seems to me that none of those problems have put a dent in how much you love Greg. You love him anyway.”

“I do,” she said. “I thought we were supposed to break up if we couldn’t fix things. I guess I didn’t think about learning to live with it.”

Accepting that your problems may always be there doesn’t mean you should sit on your hands and do nothing.

You still need to manage those problems so that they don’t cause so much day-to-day strife.

Ask yourself:

Can I have a sense of humor about this? Can I put it in perspective? Can we agree to disagree? Can we do some things independently instead of together?

What’s Your Story?

Researchers have found that the story you tell about your relationship is powerful. It can predict whether or not you’ll stay together.

When you tell an optimistic story about the magic moments and obstacles you’ve overcome to get here, the future is bright.

But when your story is full of doom and gloom, your future looks bleak.

So the next time you and your partner are asked, “How did you two meet?” pay attention to how you reply. Your answer may be shaping your future.