[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nancy,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your story about your relationship and how things are going. It’s really a thing, isn’t it? That we can so often not appreciate what have until we fear that we might lose it. Oftentimes we need these revelations or wake up calls or we can spend our entire life overlooking what’s right in front of us. I can really relate to this!

sounds like you’re also a strong and outgoing person who has had many different kinds of life experiences. You say that you’re the first woman he’s fallen in love with, but I get the idea that’s not the same for you? when we meet someone who is so good, but might be so different than what we are used to, or to ourselves, it can be really hard to surrender into that. Because in order to do so, you need to change. At first, you may not be sure that you want to change. And change is one of those things…you have to come to it on your own. It can’t be on someone else’s timeline. Ideally in a long term relationship, both parties change. When the participants change in a way that brings them closer that’s great, but it doesn’t always happen that way.

It sounds like you feel like you’ve “seen the light” so I’m curious to learn more about that. What was your revelation? How did it come about? It sounds like it was a sudden epiphany and while that kind of thing can feel very vital to the person having it, others who are affected by it may feel slightly more dubious. The answer to that may hold the key to why he is suspicious.

You asked: How can I make him see that this change is legit? That it’s not just this cycle going around again.

So that indicates to me that this isn’t the first time that you’ve claimed to have learned something. And what happened those other times? Why does he doubt that this time is different?

If we want to figure out what you can do to show him that you’ve changed, I need to know more about what these changes are, how they came about, and the history of what led you to this place.

Don’t worry, I don’t judge! As a coach I’ve seen and heard it all and I personally believe in the validity of all kinds of relationship styles between consenting adults. So you won’t shock me. But I do want to learn more about you and how is it that “BOOM, Im back baby!” came into being 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Susan,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your question! Are your friends saying that because of his age he’s not as motivated sexually and so that’s why he hasn’t made things progress in a more physical manner? That could have some truth to it, although I don’t think that’s likely the crux of the matter.
No matter what age, if someone is motivated to spend time with you, they are going to do so.

Typically it has to do with what other things are happening in the person’s life, and if they are looking for, or open to, the kind of relationship that you are looking for. Many times someone doesn’t want to take things to the next level because they aren’t interested in or available for, a more intensive relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t like you per se, they just may not want to get too involved.

As I’m sure you know, at a later phase in life, many people have had marriages, divorces, families, heartache, and may feel like they are just not up for getting involved in things like that again. Soit could be that his hesitation is based on past struggles, and not on anything in particular about the current situation.

Speaking of, what IS the the current situation? Are you dating? Are you romantic? How did you meet?

Look forward to learning more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Of course as a parent you can always look back and feel like you could have done better, even just as a human that’s the case! But you have to recognize at some point that you did the best that you could. Your kids are adults now and they don’t seem to blame you, so there’s no reason why you should blame yourself. It sounds like you did everything you could for them to thrive. Of course you always want to do more, but maybe giving Trav a little bit of space to make his choices, mistakes and all, is what needs to happen right now. If he knows that you will always bail him out, it makes it easier for him to stay stuck in the patterns that he’s in. Not easy to let go though, I definitely understand!

It’s tough to be in a job situation where not only are you not happy in the position, but you’re not happy with where you have to live because of the position! But I do have faith in you that you have a lot to offer, and you will be able to make changes soon.

There are 2 kinds of people in hr world. Those who when they are unhappy with something, just look at everything that they can blame for their unhappiness. This kind of attitude keeps them stuck in their despair. Because how can they change anything if everything that is happening is someone else’s fault and out of their control?
The other kind of person wants to not only figure out why they are unhappy, but take the necessary changes to do something different to make themselves unhappy. Even if it’s not something huge, they will do whatever is in their power.

That’s much more proactive, and I think you’re more of the latter than the former, which I commend!

It can feel difficult to apply this logic to the dating world, but I think it’s similar. To me it sounds like you use this approach with everything in life, and so dating need not be any different. After all you’re not like the woman that you work with who sounds very resigned to not making any significant changes, but would rather complain and be depressed about her lot in life. Your ability to see the larger picture and still keep your optimism is great, and in my opinion, will help you achieve what you want in the end!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sono,

It’s been a while since we’ve connected so it’s nice to hear your update. It sounds like you’ve come full circle with this and I am happy for you if that’s truly the case.

To me it’s just sounded like from the beginning. that he is essentially not very emotionally mature and has a difficult time figuring out his emotions, and even a harder time letting people know what he thinks, especially when there is the potential of conflict. It’s not uncommon, and many men are conflict avoidant in their personal and intimate relationships. Men are taught to protect their women and not make them unhappy. Many men just don’;t know how to let their partner know when they are having an issue, and so they just run away from the situation. Communicating your feelings can be a vulnerable thing, and many men just don’t know how to be vulnerable.

It’s not surprising that he is just bringing another woman in to fill the loneliness, but he’s not being kind to her either. That situation speaks a lot to who he is as a person in his own development. He doesn’t have the emotional wherewithal to care enough about anyone beyond himself. As I’ve said before, I think he is really in trauma but doesn’t have the maturity to acknowledge it. And until he does, there’s nowhere that you can go with him.

Mourning properly will definitely be a healthy thing that will help alleviate the sadness. And yes, once that’s done, do think about everything you want and don’t want and make that list!

I look forward to seeing it,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Biggest rule in dating: Do not fall in love with potential!! Anyone can be anything, and that’s all that potential is. Yout fantasy of what this person might be like.
You have to fall in love with the actuality of who someone is. That’s the only way to really have true love.

I’m sorry that this has been disappointing. He does sound like a person who creates lots of drama and doesn’t have clear communication so maybe this is for the best. It still hurts but the best way to find the right person is to not continue to stay with the wrong person! Hopefully that knowledge can help moving forward.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so sorry to hear that this person you’ve been spending time with is communicating so poorly. It’s very immature and unkind for someone to not let someone else know when they are going through something or having feelings in some ways. Unfortunately, it’s common in men who have not learned how to communicate well, and don’t feel comfortable saying difficult things that need to be said, especially if they think that the information will hurt someone.

The fact is, I’m sorry to say but you don’t really know him very long, and anyone can be anything for 3 or 4 months. Him saying that he loves you after 3 months is also a red flag, as he doesn’t know you either. I know it feels good when that happens, but it’s not typically indicative of the beginnings of a healthy relationship.

He’s probably not actually available for a relationship and doesn’t know how to tell you. So instead he just stops communicating, which is really mean and hurtful. Whatever it is, it’s not your fault and you deserve to be communicated with clearly and respectfully. Unfortunately we can’t force anyone to do anything, all that we can do is make our own choices.

So you have to really determine if this is the kind of person that you want to be with…someone mean, disrespectful, selfish, who then blames you for blowing up his phone when you didn’t know if he was dead or alive. I think you’re worth more than that, girlfriend! He doesn’t sound worth fighting for. You miss him, but what you miss is not who he really is. This is him showing you his true colors. You need to see him for what he is and move on.

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nina,

I totally understand not wanting to ask for help and to be fair, that’s not the only technique that works! But what’s really the most important thing that I see here, is to really get a sense of who this guy is. What does he want? What is he looking for? Where is he in life?

Heidi asked above and I’ll reiterate: is he single? I mean, that’s the big one, lol! And then even if he single, you can tell a lot about if someone is open to a relationship by examining their activities, habits, and where they are in life. The fact is, you can like someone all you want, and feel a connection, but if they are totally closed off to deeper connection no matter what you do, then you have to take that into consideration. Because at that point, it’s not you, it’s them. They are closed off, period. It doesn’t matter who you are. So why waste time trying to get with someone who isn’t open to it. All that does is make us think that we are in the wrong, and if we just are better, prettier, reach out more, say the right thing, etc etc, he will then make the change necessary to be in a relationship with us. And that is simply not true. People have to make changes for themselves, they can’t do it for anyone else.

So that’s my first thing to focus on…who the heck is this guy? Then once we know that, we can figure out how best to connect further with him. Make sense?

And in terms of facebook likes…are you liking his page? He may not even be seeing your posts! Don’t fall into the social media trap!!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Alicia,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your question!

Ah, the allure of the reconnected romance! I understand the magic well. It can feel so incredible to get back together with someone after all of this time and the experiences that we’ve had. It can help remind us of how far we’ve come, or even bring us back to a more innocent time when we were full of life, and before anything traumatic occured. A reappearance romance can make our heads spin and our hearts pound with delight, and they certainly feel magical when you are engulfed in their presence.

But the real question is, what happens when you come back to reality? Back to the here and now? I’m sure there are many things that have happened in the last 17 years. Are you still the same person that you were at 20? Did you want the same things? What have you learned about relationships since then?

On his end, sounds like he may not have learned much, and here’s why I say that. Back then, you had a fight and he ghosted you. He didn’t try to make things work, he ran away. So what has he learned in the past 17 years? Does he still leave when the going gets tough? What was his marriage like? His divorce? Why are you so sure that you automatically want this man back, who disappeared on you all those years ago? How do you know what’s different about him?

Do I think that this man will hurt you again? Absolutely. He has shown nothing to the contrary. Yes it feels magical to reconnect (although with social media it’s pretty common these days) but unfortunately that does not constitute a relationship. You have to know more about him and who he is now before you can determine if he’s relationship material.

If he is, then he will reach out and contact you. he will make getting to know you in the present a priority. And if he’s not, then you say thanks for the memories and move on.

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jimeko,

I have to be honest that this all sounds like a bit boatload of drama and rife with red flags. How long have you been with this guy? If you are still very new, as Heidi said, all of this kind of talk would scare me off as well if I were him.
If he doesn’t know you that well, how is he to know what your intentions are? You say that you don’t like confrontation, yet you created a situation where you confronted people. You do have to look at your own place in this, if not for this guy, but to determine when something may just not be your place.

It’s unfortunate that he doesn’t see this as you looking out for him if that’s what it truly was, but when you come between people who know each other well and you’re the new person, you are in fact, the one creating the drama. And as mentioned, the parties involved are going to be loyal to each other, not to you, the new person coming into the situation.

It sounds like his silence and distance is the answer that’s speaking loud and clear. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a man say those exact words: “You will always know where you stand with me”. In reality, that’s simply not true. When people decide that they’ve had enough or don’t feel something anymore, they will just walk away. In this situation, it sounds like there may have been boundaries crossed, and he may feel entitled to remove himself from the situation with little to no communication.

You sent the text, he didn’t respond. You don’t want that kind of person in your life anyway. You want someone who will assume the best of you, and be willing to move through any miscommunication that gets in the way of your connection. He is not willing to do that, so you have to relinquish yourself to the fact that he’s not the guy for you.

I know it feels bad now, but a sad ending can become a happy beginning!

Hope that helps!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cindy!

So glad that you are reaching out for help with your dating profile! Heidi and I excel in just that very thing, and I’ve taught many classes in online dating. I’m sure that we can help you craft something that not only speaks to who you are, but also calls in the kind of person that you want to attract. Because what you are talking about with getting lots of attention right away is a very common experience, and it’s good to strike when the iron is hot.
Whether you’re in a smaller or larger area, there is still a certain buzz when a new profile comes on as there are many people who have been online for years and it’s exciting when someone new appears. Also, most dating sites create an algorithm to specifically show new profiles. It’s a marketing tool to keep you (and everyone) pulled in!

I know it can seem overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be AND can be fun! So here are a few tips for when you’re just starting out in the world of online dating.

1. You don’t have to respond to everyone! If you match with someone but then aren’t feeling it, you can simply unmatch. You don’t owe anyone anything.

2. Some people say that if you don’t respond to someone right away when you match, or they don’t, to just unmatch as it shows that they are not serious. I don’t particularly agree. If it’s bothering you that someone is sitting there, sure you can unmatch. But if not, there’s no reason to remove someone that you might wind up becoming interested in.

3. Swipe right with abandon! I say swipe first and ask questions later. It’s a numbers game, so if you feel inclined to take a further look at someone’s profile, then just swipe right and you can go look at it later. If after reading the profile and seeing more pics you don’t feel interested, then you can simply delete them or not connect. It’s simple!

I have lots of other tips and things that you should look out for, but I don’t want to overwhelm you so will just start there.

What are your plans for these dates for the weekend? Sounds super exciting!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

Understandable! Sounds like you really like this guy, and that can be nerve wracking. I know that you feel nervous, but try to find little things to do, like Heidi suggested.
Since you already feel pretty confident that he is interested, you don’t really have to do much!

All you literally have to do at this point is to make a point to spend time with him. And to be fair, don’t you want to do that anyway? The nest way to get comfortable with someone is to spend time with him, so do just that. Spend as much time with him as you can. Ad Heidi mentioned, offer him food or drinks. Be extra friendly. Let him know that you’re there if he needs anything.
And then, relax.

Is there a reason beyond you being out of practice with dating that makes you nervous? You say that he seems interested in you, but do you feel like he’s out of your league? Or is there another reason why you get so tongue tied when he’s around?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Alice,

Glad to see the update on your story! It’s always a difficult situation when you are waiting on someone else to make the necessary change in their own life in order to get the closure that you need from them. Sometimes you just have to be proactive and do what needs to be done. And so while it’s not easy, I’m glad that you rook Heidi’s advice to reach out and make the call. Sounds like it was a good decision that will bring you ease eventually.
Also, you have known this man for a long time, and you don’t have to give up caring for him. Life is long and if you have a connection, it’s ok to have that. But you do need to be able to move on with your life and not pin your dreams on a future with him that may not exist. You can love him and let him go at the same time. This way it’s not something that you have to look back on as a sad thing, or as something that “didn’t work out”. What happened with you so far is what has needed to happen. And that’s been healing and beautiful.

He may never change, or he may grow leaps and bounds and still not be right for you. You might grow leaps and bounds and no longer need or want the situation with him. Whatever happens, you had the courage to make a hard choice and take action, and that shows courage and strength, which will be rewarded in some way, I’m sure!

Please do keep us posted 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Yes, it can be frustrating when you think that you’re being brought on to a job for one thing, and then it turns out to be something else. I’m sure you know how poorly things are often managed in work situations. Just because someone is working in a job doesn’t necessarily mean that they are qualified, or the right person for the job. It’s always frustrating when your boss knows less than you. That’s a real drag for sure! Hope things went well with Chad! Even though it sounds like you will be at this job for awhile yet, it will be good to know that there could be something to look forward to. Never too early to set up your next step!

I’m sure that Trav will figure it out. It’s tough to get right out of college in the middle of a pandemic and have to figure everything out right away. I know it seems like awhile, but it has only been a month. But if his brother is getting frustrated with him, that’s another story. He may need to find something for now, even if it’s not his dream job or what he really wants to do. But the job market seems to be coming back pretty solid, so hopefully he will be able to find something to do. Sounds like getting out there and being in the world will be good for him. I’m sure it was hard for him to be rejected by 4 different schools. That might be depressing him more than anything. And it might be making him nervous to apply for work. Rejection is no fun, and so perhaps he’s scared of that happening professionally as well.

I’m sorry to hear that your parents had such tough lives growing up. I think also back in the day, so much of that abuse and neglect was more commonplace than it is nowadays. Children did not have a voice, and no one really had a voice for them either. Unfortunately your parents, specifically your mom, never got to heal from any of those tough childhood experiences, and it made her a hardened person, who didn’t know how to be a loving mother to her own children. That’s really sad. I’m glad that you were able to break the cycle and be a good mom yourself. That really speaks well of you!

It’s always nice to feel like you’ve improved on something, and there’s growth and healing happening 🙂

Hope you have a lovely weekend,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

How are you doing? I haven’t heard from you in awhile and I just wanted to see how you are holding up.

Please let me know!

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Alice,

I read through your story and wanted to chime in. Sounds like you have a pretty interesting life, full of travel and connections. How exciting! It also sounds like you are able to bounce back from things pretty well, and that you have the ability to see the “silver lining” in most situations, which is a very useful quality. Kudos to you!

But first off I’m wondering what your relationship was like with A before, and what caused it to end. I always think that there’s a reason that an ex is an ex, and we usually only go back to an ex for a few reasons, most of which are not healthy.
Every once in awhile you are able to meet up with someone at a different point in life where each party has grown and be together in a new way that works, but that is rare. It also requires that each person really did their own healing work in between the time that they were split, and even so, it’s difficult to not revert back to the behaviour you had with the person originally, unless you are really conscious about it, and so are they.
So what brought you back to A after all this time? Had you been in touch with him at all over the years or did you just randomly reach out?

You say that you don’t believe in rebounds and while it might be true that someone could split up from someone and immediately meet the love of their life, it’s not very common for that to happen. And to be very honest, it’s not what it sounds like was happening in your rsituatio0n.
You were in an unhappy relationship and then when it ended, you found someone that you knew would make you feel good about yourself and lived in a little fantasy world with them. It sounds nice, believe me I understand, but it’s just not reality.

The reality is that A has had an entire life this past 12 years that had nothing to do with you, and so to be fair, it really doesn’t matter why he wants to save this wokman who is bad for him. And the reason is plain to see. He is obviously someone who likes to”save” women. he did the same thing for you when you called him during your breakup. So he’s good at doing that, and providing a safe space for women in his life.

But that’s obviously not healthy nor something to build a relationship on, and it sounds like he knows that, which is why he said that he can’t be in a committed relationship with you.

So if you want to be friends with him, and like Heidi said, enjoy what you had and what you can have (because I get the feeling he would be willing to still sleep with you), then do so! But don’t expect that he’s going to be the knight in shining armor who is going to sweep you off your feet.

But it sounds like you are ok with that fact, so at this point, you can just relax and be his friend. Anything getting in the way of that plan?

xoxo
Spyce

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