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Hi Marilyn,
How are things going? Just wanted to check in and see if there is an update in your situation.
xoxo
SpyceHi Jadene,
I’m sorry I missed you! I was meaning to write before your subscription cancelled but now it has already so I’m not sure if you will see this…
However I just wanted to wish you so much luck with everything and know that we are rooting for you here. If you ever need us again, we will be here for you.
Always wishing you nothing but the best now and always,
xoxo
SpyceHi Natasha,
First off, please don’t beat yourself up! We all do things when we are feeling anxious to make ourselves feel better and you let yourself be vulnerable, which is actually a very brave thing. You weren’t satisfied with the wishy-washy unclear answers that he was giving you, so you went to his place and demanded clarity! If you look at it that way, you were actually beautifully assertive. You can spin it that you weren’t desperate, you are simply someone who values clear communication, and since he wasn’t providing that, you decided to be proactive and seek out the information that you were looking for. Because now you know and you can move on. See, that’s not so bad when you look at it that way!
From what you’ve said about this person, it just doesn’t seem that he is really that much of a catch anyway. He is confused about who he is and what he wants. He is not in integrity as he says one thing and does another. He has betrayed you and your trust, even as a friend and has also disrespected you as a professional colleague. He seems very immature. How old is he? So I’m wondering what it really is about him that makes you so intent on wanting to develop something with him.
I understand what you are saying about feeling like men are not interested in you because of your virginity and I’m sorry that you feel that way. You should not be ashamed of who you are and the choices that you’ve made. You don’t owe your body to anyone, and you do not have to do anything to prove to anyone that you are worthy of love or sex. I’m more than positive that if you wanted to, you could go out and have sex with 10 guys this week, but that’s not what’s important. You feeling valued, respected, and not only desired but desirous in the experience is of utmost importance. If a guy is turned off by you saying that you want to take things slow, then he is not worthy of you and your time. The right person is going to see you for all of the beauty that you have, and will want to be with you only in a way that feels 100% right and perfect. Anything else will just leave you feeling badly and we don’t want that for you!
Is virginity a common occurence amongst your peers? As mentioned, I’m not sure what part of the world you’re in and what the societal norms are, but here in the US where I am, most people are having sex very early, too early if you ask me! I’m wondering if you are an anomaly where you live or if it’s quite common for a woman to be a virgin at your age?
It sounds like there are some deep seeded issues for you in this realm, considering what you witnessed between your parents and how it’s affected you. I’m really sorry that you had to experience that and that it tainted your views on relationships. I’m here to tell you that things do not have to be that way and a healthy relationship where there is deep love, commitment, and respect is very possible.
That being said, it does sound to me like you might want to try and do some dating and see how that goes. Just get out and meet people and have fun! From what you’re telling me so far, it doesn’t sound like you’ve done a lot of that, and so you have a warped perception of what it’s like to be in a relationship, an intimate friendship, or even to really relate to men socially. Is that true? Am I reading that correctly?
If you don’t have much experience, then meeting someone and having a “connection” can feel so much more earth shattering than for someone who is meeting new people all the time because you don’t have anything to compare it to. All you know is that this person talked with you, flirted, made you feel good and sexy. But in reality, that is the baseline for what anyone who you meet up with should make you feel or you don’t keep seeing them. And if they lie, drop you for other women, treat you like crap in front of others, tease you and then run away, don’t return calls, etc, etc, then they are a colossal waste of time and you move on as soon as you see that kind of behaviour.
We need to help you develop some non-negotiables for dating. Like these are the rules of the game to play with you. Do you understand what I’m saying?
xoxo
SpyceHi Natasha,
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I totally understand how difficult it is when you so desperately want something to be a certain way, and can’t understand why it can’t be. All of the elements are seemingly there, everything could be perfect if only the other person would just do this, or not do that. But the thing is that you can’t make anyone do or feel anything that they don’t, or won’t.
There is a lot of info there and while I appreciate you sharing so much, I can tell you that what is happening here is rather simple. This man is a play boy who is used to getting what he wants from women. My assumption is that he is very attractive. he is obviously very promiscuous and sexually experienced. I have to be straight with you…this man does not want love, he does not want a relationship, he does not even want a simple girlfriend. He wants sex, he wants freedom, he wants to be wanted and sought after. He wants to pursue and get what he wants, and then move on to whatever is next. The last thing he wants is to be tied down with a sophisticated and beautiful woman like you.
He sees you as a friend and doesn’t want to hurt you, and honestly he is doing you a huge favor by not going any further with you. Do you know what he would do the moment after he had sex with you? He would retreat and you would likely never see him again. Because he would feel so guilty because he is nowhere near interested in what you are.
You are a virgin. Tell me more about that…are you waiting for marriage? Do you live someplace where that is the norm? It’s a little confusing because you sound ready to have casual sex with this man who has not proven to be anything more than an occasional sexy friend.
I don’t want to be too forward with you, but the truth is that you are very much disrespecting yourself by chasing after this man. You sound very desperate to be with him and I’m not seeing what he’s bringing to the table or giving to the situation. It sounds like you are attractive and intelligent. Wouldn’t you rather date and find a man who wants a relationship and is going to pursue you instead of make you chase him? As they say, if he wanted to, he would. And if he wanted to he wouldn’t be making all of these excuses. A man who desires a woman is not timid or skittish. He does not ignore you. You do not have to “win him over”. Why are you so desperately chasing this man? It sounds exhausting and I really don’t see what you are getting out of any of it.
What am I missing?
xoxo
SpyceHello Marilyn,
Thank you for explaining more about the situation! While I understand that you don’t feel like he was love-bombing you, and maybe that’s not the most appropriate term, it does sound like he was at least putting his best put forward, and putting lots of energy into the relationship in order to “win” you. And while it is natural that the pursuit style of energy may die down once a man feels like he has you, it is not necessarily acceptable that he will now stop trying.
Because here’s the thing, what he’s doing now is showing you his true self. This is who he is now that he’s not trying to impress you. So this is going to be the man who you are getting for your foreseeable future, and if you’re not satisfied with this man and how he relates to you, you have to put an end to this behaviour now. You have to let him know how you want to be treated or he will just keeping being this way and thinking that it’s ok. And it’s not.
It’s important to be transparent in the beginning of a relationship with your wants and needs, and build a foundation of clear communication and easy connection. If you’re already not sure how to talk with him or how to get him to do what you want, then that is one of those red flags that I’m talking about.
You can understand that he’s very busy with his work, but if you are going to make a life with his man, maybe have a family, you want him to make sure that you are a priority. He needs to show you now how he will treat you when you’re closer, not hjust throw you on the back burner now that he feels more secure in the relationship and your desire to be with him. I understand that you said that he likes to lead the situation, but it’s important for you to have your needs met in a relationship, or what’s the point? So yes, it’s imperative that you tell him how you feel.
In terms of how, I always believe that honesty is the best policy, and also taking responsibility for your own feelings. So not coming to him with an idea of blame or that he’s doing anything wrong, but just telling him what you want and need from him in the situation. Being clear instead of saying something (like expressing gratitude) hoping that he will then step up is also very important.
You asked:
For right I need to show and assure him that it means a lot he goes with me to that place for a rental as I mentioned in my first message. Should I thank him for being there to help and that I appreciate his support to encourage him or should I ask him what day he can as he still hasn’t told me.YES! You should do both those things. Tell him how much you appreciate his support AND let him know that you really need him to come with you for all of the reasons that you already told me. Let him know that you understand that he’s busy but you’re going away on this trip and that you need to make a plan.
If he is not willing to do this with you or responds poorly to your request, then you really have to question who he truly is. He may not be the person that he has appeared to you for these last few months. But it’s very important that you let him know now what you need and want in a relationship and see if he is able to provide that to you before getting too deeply invested into your relationship with him.
Please let me know if that helps!
xoxo
SpyceHi Marilyn,
Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out with your question! It sounds like this is a new relationship so it can be difficult to figure things out when we don’t know someone that well. How long have you been dating?
What it seems like here is that you are very much looking to him to set the tone of the relationship, instead of letting him know what you want and need. Would you agree with that? If so, why would you say that’s happening?
I know that it can be tough to let someone know right off the bat what we want, as it might feel like it’s coming off as being bossy, but here’s the thing. You ARE the boss. You are the boss of your own life and you deserve to have your intimate relationships the way that you want them. If you want more time, more commitment, more communication, that’s ok. He may not be able to give you what you need, and that’s ok too. But it might mean that he’s not the one for you.
You said he came on strong in the beginning and to be honest, that’s a big red flag. When a man does that (they call it love bombing) whether it’s intentional or subconscious, it creates a dynamic where you feel like you have a deeper connection than you really do, and then you are more invested in something that really is too new to be that invested into. Does this sound familiar?
You said that “overall he’s really serious about a relationship”. What makes you think that? How do you know?
You’ve asked what to do, and what I would say is really get clear on what your non-negotiables are in a relationship and then let him know. I can help you figure those out if you like. It’s important to know these and stick to them or you will not be satisfied and happy in a relationship where things are so murky.
Make sense?
xoxo
SpyceHi Jadene,
Of course it’s wonderful for you to not pursue people who make you feel bad, and I would never recommend that you chase after anyone who is not reciprocating. My main advice in this particular situation is to try and change the thinking that somehow you are bothering her, and to apologize for doing so. Whether or not you pursue relationships with these people, it’s still not a bad idea to remember that YOU are worthy, and that you are doing nothing wrong by being friendly and kind to people. If they take offense, that’s on them, but just knowing that you are still being the bigger person could help you to feel better.
So that’s why I say approaching people with the assumptive energy that they want to connect with you is at least a good exercise in self worth if nothing else. Of course not being caught up in the outcome is easier said than done and it may feel like a waste of time to even do something like what I’m proposing, but if you can see it as a lesson in knowing your worth and approaching people with that knowledge front and center, maybe it becomes worthy in and of itself?
xoxo
SpyceHi Jadene,
Good for you for approaching her. What I’m saying to do beyond that is to hang in there, assume your value, and not apologize to her…what were you apologizing for? Sure she was talking with someone else, but why does that mean that you’re bothering her? Saying something like that is depicting yourself as low value, that you’re not as important as the other random woman, or any other person in there. What makes you so?
Like I said, you have to believe that she is DESPERATE to talk with you, or at least wants to, but is already involved in a conversation. There’s no reason you can’t go up and say hey, and just become a part of the conversation. If people don’t respond well to that, it’s on them as you’re in a public place where people have gathered to be social and meet others. So anyone who doesn’t know you that is not friendly to you, obviously has an issue. You have to keep reminding yourself that if someone is immediately rude to you, THEY have an issue. Sure it could be that they have “heard” something about you in that tiny town, but by being kind, friendly, and fun to spend time with, don’t you think you could easily prove them wrong?
xoxo
SpyceHi Jadene,
Yes the buying and selling of property can be a very tricky thing…I too got caught in a situation this last year with buying something I thought I loved at the time, but then discovered the pitfalls in and am now a bit stuck. I found something else I’d love to buy but couldn’t until I sell the other one. And while I don’t love it, I don’t really want to sell it unless I can be assured that I can buy the other, which I can’t. And so it is…I hope that things change for you with the spring on its way. Whether to sell or to dig in to your property there and keep making the improvements. Either way, I’m sure it will be a good venture!
Of course it’s difficult to trust people when you are used to feeling ostracized by folks in general. So then even if you did meet someone who had more pure intentions, it would be very hard to believe that there wasn’t something lurking under the surface where they were not being above board with you, and were just using you in some way. I’m sorry that this is something that you deal with so frequently. It’s hard to keep up hope when that’s the case and you’ve been dealing with this for so long.
When the woman who you had met in the cafe came to the spoken word event, did you go up and try to talk with her, or did you wait for her to come to you or catch your eye? Whatever you did is fine, but I will say that I think in these situations you have to just go about your day like EVERYONE is dying to meet you! Don’t be shy to go up to her and say, “oh hey, you came! Glad you could make it!” Just assume that she wants to talk with you instead of that she doesn’t. You said that she texted you but you didn’t get it until later. Could it be that she thought that you were ignoring her because you didn’t go up to her when you saw her there? I understand feeling left out because she was talking with someone else, but there’s no reason that you can’t just make your presence known. Not in a creepy way, just in a friendly way with the assumption that why would anyone have any pre-conceived notions of you?
At this point, I really don’t think that you have anything to lose…do you?
xoxo
SpyceHi Jadene,
Yes the buying and selling of property can be a very tricky thing…I too got caught in a situation this last year with buying something I thought I loved at the time, but then discovered the pitfalls in and am now a bit stuck. I found something else I’d love to buy but couldn’t until I sell the other one. And while I don’t love it, I don’t really want to sell it unless I can be assured that I can buy the other, which I can’t. And so it is…I hope that things change for you with the spring on its way. Whether to sell or to dig in to your property there and keep making the improvements. Either way, I’m sure it will be a good venture!
Of course it’s difficult to trust people when you are used to feeling ostracized by folks in general. So then even if you did meet someone who had more pure intentions, it would be very hard to believe that there wasn’t something lurking under the surface where they were not being above board with you, and were just using you in some way. I’m sorry that this is something that you deal with so frequently. It’s hard to keep up hope when that’s the case and you’ve been dealing with this for so long.
When the woman who you had met in the cafe came to the spoken word event, did you go up and try to talk with her, or did you wait for her to come to you or catch your eye? Whatever you did is fine, but I will say that I think in these situations you have to just go about your day like EVERYONE is dying to meet you! Don’t be shy to go up to her and say, “oh hey, you came! Glad you could make it!” Just assume that she wants to talk with you instead of that she doesn’t. You said that she texted you but you didn’t get it until later. Could it be that she thought that you were ignoring her because you didn’t go up to her when you saw her there? I understand feeling left out because she was talking with someone else, but there’s no reason that you can’t just make your presence known. Not in a creepy way, just in a friendly way with the assumption that why would anyone have any pre-conceived notions of you?
At this point, I really don’t think that you have anything to lose…do you?
xoxo
SpyceHello Mistre,
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I totally understand how painful it can be when you think that something is one way and then it turns out to be another.
Please let me ask you a couple of questions so I can learn more about the situation.
You said: I recently started dating my friend
For how long was he your friend?You said: He has a daughter and family back home
Did you know this when you started dating him?
What was/is the situation with his family? Is he divorced/separated/none of the above?How far is his home from where you live? Is he just visiting in your area? Why is he there? When you say you want him to “come back”, where is he coming back to? Where will he stay or be?
I look forward to learning more and seeing how I can be of help!
xoxo
SpyceHi Jadene,
I’m sure the market is tough out there where you are. I wonder if you could do owner financing with someone who might want your property and then have enough from that to owner finance the other property? It’s probably not really feasible but just a brainstorming idea. I too grew up poor and my parents died when I was young so I never stood to inherit anything. It is difficult to have to make everything happen on your own. I hope that no matter which way things go with the land, that you will be able to have the property work for you in a positive and fruitful way! And certainly wherever you go, there you are. But as we discussed, larger areas have more opportunities in general. But I understand that you’re pretty stationary right now and that’s how it has to be.
I get what you’re saying about the Hawaii housesit guy and if you didn’t feel good about the situation, then that’s the final answer. Of course you should never lower your standards to spend time with someone. My thinking was more along the lines of sometimes we can be on edge anticipating something because of how we are used to being treated, and may think something is happening when it’s not. But of course in that situation if you feel that this wasn’t the case, then I believe you! It’s important for you to trust your instincts as well, and navigate that fine balance.
I’m really sorry to hear of this Airbnb person and how things went awry with him. It’s hard when someone so difficult is in a position of power, and they use that position to try and lord their power over you. It’s good that you were able to cut ties, and you did the right thing by standing up to him and asserting your boundaries. It sounds like you were able to silence him and its doubtful that he will make a post, and will hopefully just move on.
Glad to hear that you are being productive and adding value to your property! It’s great that you’re so handy and able to do so much of this work on your own. Even though it’s tiring I’m sure, the fruits of your labor will be visible and usable, and just keep making your space better and better!
Kudos to you on keeping up with the positive energy and doing everything you can to get yourself out of a funk.
Keep going!
xoxo
SpyceHi T,
Thanks for reaching out and welcome to the forum! We totally understand here how difficult a long distance relationship can be. It’s so hard when your heart is somewhere else. A couple of questions…
You say that you have always loved him…what is your history beyond the last 1.5 years? How did you meet and come together? How old are you/Kevin?
Being that he’s in the service, is it possible for you to travel or live with him? If not, why?
What is your time like when you are together? How often is that?
Are there are other challenges besides the distance? How is your connection and communication when you’re apart?
What other relationships have you had? What have those been like?
All of these things will help us to understand more about you, and how best to advise you in this situation to make the decisions that will be best for you and your future, whether Kevin is in it or not.
Look forward to learning more!
xoxo
SpyceHi Jadene,
Yes it’s difficult to give up on a dream when you’ve poured your heart and soul into something and things just aren’t falling into place. At least the market should be picking up with rates going down so perhaps someone will buy your property. I’m curious why you would buy another property in the area when you don’t seem to like it much there and aren’t finding the social life that you enjoy? Wouldn’t the goal of selling be to move someplace where you could meet more people and develop more friends to go out with and do things with?
Of course it’s important to pay attention to how you feel in a situation, but when you’ve had a lot of trauma, it can often be difficult to trust your feelings as you may be triggered or reacting to something that’s not necessarily what is being offered. as they say, there are 3 types of reality. Your reality, their reality, and the truth. WHo knows what the truth is, but sometimes, our own realities can be tarnished by past experiences, and we can feel like something is a certain way because of that, even if that’s not what the person meant.
I guess I’m just curious what it is about the man who was going to Hawaii that made you feel like he was “neggin” or disrespecting you with his offer and wasn’t simply wanting to create a win win with someone who he met who was living in a trailer when he knew that he had a home that would be empty? I know many people who are happy to housesit and live that way for months even years sometimes, going from house to house, caring for people’s pets and plants. So without another kind of context, it’s hard for me to see how the conversation with him translated into him seeing you as a maid. Could it be that he didn’t mean it that way but it was a triggering situation for you, reminding of others who had disrespected you before? This is not meant as a question to give you a reason for you to doubt yourself but only offered as an opportunity for you to get curious about your responses and where they are coming from, and to examine if there may be other ways to react at times that could wind up being beneficial in helping you get to your end goal of connection…
Thoughts?
Hi Jadene,
Not to poo poo your out in the wilderness project, but I will say that I do agree that living out in the middle of nowhere can be very tough on the social life. Most people are in those places either because they have no options for leaving, or they made a conscious decision to be out in the middle of nowhere and away from humanity. It’s just not really a place that people go to make friends and build community, unless they already know people there who have promised them the said community. And even that rarely works out either.
Whatever qualms you may have about LA, it still is a much bigger place where you can find multitudes of different people to connect with. And if you don’t find who you are looking for in one scene, you can turn a tenth of a degree and find a whole new different group of people. Most people really only need a small handful of close friends to feel good in this world, and I’m sure that if you could find those, this feeling would settle down a lot in your life. I know that it’s been tough with family members, but do you feel like you’ve ever really had a good friend?
I’m curious what you mean when you say that what the man with Hawaii and the dog wanted was a form of disrespect? I think it could be about perspective. Obviously I don’t have the full story, but to me, picking up where you left off sounds like an easy and comfortable connection. Then asking you to housesit to me sounds like an offer, and possibly a nice offer depending on the house! Could it be that he knew that you were living in a camper and thought you might relish the idea of being in a house? Perhaps he thought that he was offering you a gift? To welcome someone into your home is generally a kind thing, and I know many people who are always looking for opportunities to house-sit. Could it be that he was trying to be kind? I know that you have a difficult time trusting people, and that’s ok, but I’m just inviting you to look at it from a different perspective.
I think the truth is that most people want to be invited, and rarely do the inviting. I had started a facebook group for people to post and get together for dinners in the small city where I live. Immediately I had over 150 members, all saying they were dying to make new friends and meet up with others. I’ve tried to have a couple of events and nothing. No one else has posted anything either and it’s been about 9 months. I am the kind of person who reaches out CONSTANTLY and its probably the only reason why I have any friends. I occasionally meet others like me but its rare. I always remind myself though that this is no reflection of who I am or how much people like me.
I think that you have to do that too. Don’t wait for Sandy to invite you out, call her up! Chat with whoever you can. Don’t wait for them to make the first move. It’s ok, you have nothing to lose. Their responses or lack of them, really have nothing to say about you. I know it’s difficult, but do keep trying to remind yourself that.
I hope the herbs and the talks helped!
xoxo
Spyce
