[Coach Spyce]

Hi Crystal,

Thanks so much for letting me know more about Anthony and his personality. It does sound like he’s been very caring and thoughtful in general, and for the most part, able to communicate his thoughts and feelings rather well. I wouldn’t snub your efforts though either, as it sounds like you have also been forthright with your feelings and the two of you have been able to have mature and open conversations, and have remedied miscommunications thus far in the relationship. This gives me much hope for the two of you moving forward.

Also while I certainly don’t know for sure, I feel more optimistic now about this truly being a “pause” as Anthony doesn’t sound like someone who would beat around the bush or not be able to express himself clearly. But I agree with how in your letter you mentioned that it would be important for the two of you to determine what exactly this pause will look like, and how to stay connected during this time so as not to compromise your bond.

In terms of the letter, well done! I can’t imagine a man who is as intelligent and kind as Anthony sounds receiving that letter and not having a positive response. It is a very sweet, kind, and loving letter, while also being realistic and compassionate to anything that he might be feeling. Since you have a history of sending each other gifts, it sounds like the champagne and the letter would work well together. I only have a few small edits that I would make, but they are minimal. Here they are…

I think I did a big disservice to our relationship with my reply. When we are together in an intimate partnership, the way to build and deepen that bond is to be open and transparent. I wasn’t open because I thought I should give you space. I was also hurt and confused and I did not know what else to say. Now that I’ve had some time to think, I realize that I could have responded to your “take a break” message with a gentler (and more thoughtful) one, such as “It’s OK. I know your work is important and we’ll have a lot of fun as a couple when the Project crosses a milestone. Can we talk about how we want this pause to look like?” This would really help me because I am unable to read your mind. Eg., I can’t discern:

• Do you just want to concentrate on work for now and once we launch the Project, we will embrace each other with excitement again, like how you first hugged me at that airport hotel in M.

• Do you want a break-up?

When I can’t read your mind, it is unnerving. I think you can remove this line as it feels like you’ve already said this>

Can I appeal to your protector instinct to have an open conversation with me one evening? It won’t take long.
I would cut out that last line. There’s no reason for you to have to act like it’s a burden for you to be asking for this. You deserve to have this conversation, and whether it takes 20 mins or 2 hours is ok. You have done nothing wrong.

The pain and confusion I am feeling is likely due to bad communications on our part. You can take out this line too as it’s not really relevant anymore by moving this part to above.

At this point I would just ask for a concrete time that he’s available for the conversation. Is Monday or Wednesday better for you this week?

I am confident we can rise above this change to any adversity (ie., my hurt and confusion) cut that line out, this is not just about you being hurt. Once gain, you are not to blame for having feelings!

If you do care about me, please drop me a message… Nope! If you care about me is a passive aggressive statement. He cares about you and he has shown you that. Don’t doubt it. Just ask for what you want!

please drop me a message to let me know you have read this letter and we will (set up a time to) talk.

So those are my notes, I hope that they are helpful!

Please keep me posted on how things go. I am rooting for you! You’re an intelligent and lovely woman and you deserve to have good things.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rachel,

How are you doing? I just wanted to check back in as I didn’t hear back from you and I wanted to make sure that you’re ok. It sounds like you are in a really emotionally draining situation where your self-care might be going out the window, so I just wanted to be that little voice in your ear reminding you that you matter, you’re worth it, and that you’ve done nothing wrong.

Hoping that helps!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jessi,

Just wanted to check in with you again. I can imagine that my message to you was perhaps not what you wanted to hear and I’m sorry about that. But I don’t think it’s ever in anyone’s best interests for us coaches to sugarcoat or tell people things if we don’t believe in them to be true.

We’d rather save you more heartache than to advise you to continue to pursue things that we feel from our years of experience, have red flags written all over them. We’d be doing a disservice to you and all of our other clients if we were not completely transparent with you.

That being said, I hope that you understand and please know that we are here to help. If my style doesn’t work for you and you’d prefer to chat with the other coach Heidi, that is more than fine as well, and I can make sure that she contacts you.

We just want to make sure that you get the help and support you need to navigate the wild world of love and relationships!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Crystal,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I have to say that I think the real culprit of what is happening here is a lack of not only clear communication, but what I would refer to as compassionate and intimate conversation. Your relationship is so wrapped up in work that your intimate relationship is just treated like another aspect of “the Project”. Each message reads like the kind of message that you would only send to a colleague, not at all to a lover, partner, or someone that you care about.

It sounds like you have a story that to be vulnerable and honest about your feelings would be to appear weak to a man, and you don’t want to do that. Can you share more about those feelings and where they come from?

When you are with someone in an intimate partnership, the way to build and deepen that bond is to be open and transparent, not treat everything like you’re rescheduling a business meeting. His message to you (and by the way, it’s horrifying that so much of this is being done via messaging) saying let’s take a break, was so dry and cold, as if he was asking you to send an email off or something. But to be fair, your response was no better. Maybe you were screaming on the inside, but your reply was as emotional as a piece of dry toast. So how is he to know that there’s anything different to be had?

Believe me, I understand that when you’re a strong and independent woman who is used to taking care of herself, it can be very hard to break down those walls and let anyone in. It’s so very difficult to be vulnerable, and really show a man who you could care about how much you really do care. But if you never do, you will miss out on having a deep and intimate bond with that man. Sure, opening yourself up could result in heartbreak and heartache, but at least your heart is doing something in that scenario besides just sitting there pumping blood.

So I have a few questions for you.

How happy are you really in this relationship? How fulfilled, how overjoyed, how passionately do you feel about this man? And in general, breaks aside, how do you think he would answer this same question?

Also, what do you really want? And do you think that you could get that with him?
I’m getting that you don’t want the break and you are wanting to get back together, but are you really getting what you want?

To me it sounds so much like a business arrangement, and I’m not hearing the passion, what you like to do together, what brings you joy together, how adored and cherished you feel around him, how being with him makes you a better version of yourself.

It also sounds like he really sets the tone in the relationship. He is working on “the Project”, he is getting you clients, he is telling you when and where he will be available. It was nice to hear that you let him know your disappointment when he didn’t express interest in your health, but it sounds to me like yoy’re rather tight-lipped with him and you’re not really putting yourself out there enough.

From what you’re telling me, I don’t think that he has any idea how you really feel. It very well might be the case that he is feeling overwhelmed and just pumping the breaks and since you took it all so well, he’s just assuming that everything is fine. Women do this with men all the time. They expect men to read their minds and be as emotional as they are and for the most part, it’s just not that way. Especially in a case like there where you’ve already called him out as an “emotionally unavailable” man.

My advice is never to be coy or passive aggressive. I am a fan of direct and clear as that is the more mature and confident thing to do. As you mentioned, if he doesn’t want to be with you, you can have a good cry and go find someone who does, so why waste time trying to read his mind? I wouldn’t wait for May. I would have a call with him and lay it all out there. Ask him to be honest with how he feels. Be honest with how you feel. It’s as simple as that. The alternative? Stay in limbo and try to discern the truth of what he really wants from small signs and cues here and there that really mean very little.

You seem like a strong and confident woman who has a lot going for her. I’m positive that you can express yourself in a clear way that will encourage and enable him to be forthright with you, which is what you truly want. You just want clarity, and there’s never a better way to get it than to simply ask.

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shaye,

There are a couple of things here that would give me pause, and would make me question more not only about him, but also about the relationship that you guys had.

When you first told him about how you felt, why did he say that you couldn’t ever be more than friends?

When you were with the other person, and you said he looked jealous and disappointed, did he express that as well, or was it just something that you assumed from his reaction? What happened with that other person and why did you break up?

When you both expressed having feelings, why did you at that point decide to be in each other’s lives in a limited capacity? Was it because you were both still with other people?

I can understand that you just went with it when he broke up with his son’s mom, as you’d been waiting for this all along, and of course you wanted to believe that he was too, but even though you’d been close all of this time, he was rebounding with you. He was turning to you because it was an easy and comfortable situation and when you break up with someone, you can often just want easy comfort, which you were there to give. But part of the thing is that you already had years of an established dynamic, and that wasn’t goingto change without some real concerted effort and desire. I’m sorry to say, but it doesn’t sound like he had that passion. And it sounds like he’s a passive person in general, just going from situation to situation not looking at his previous relationships and learning from them. Do you see him as passive?

But I want to go back to the original message as you were saying that you were afraid that he couldn’t give you what you wanted. You know him pretty well, and have seen him in a relationship before. Do you think he could give someone else that thing that you want? Have you seen him give it to others? Do you think maybe he’s not really capable of that? Maybe especially right now. It doesn’t sound to me like he knows what he wants at all…

So what is it that you want now? You want to be in a romantic relationship with him? Why? What happened when you were in the romantic relationship that felt different or better than how you had been when you were at the height of your friendship?

It would be good to look at what it is that you’re really wanting here, because it doesn’t sound like he’s at his best in partnership, and maybe true friends is what he really needs more than another girlfriend.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shaye,

Ah ok, so you were friends while he was in a relationship but you had feelings for him all that time…did he know that? What happened in his relationship that caused the split? How long after they broke up did the two of you start dating?

It’s often the case that when someone breaks up, they need time to re-evaluate who they are and what they want, which it doesn’t sound like he had. Also it sounds like he gets in relationships quite quickly if he’s already on to dating someone else now even after you!

I also am wondering how did you transition from friends to bf/gf? Did you ever have a conversation about how that might affect your friendship? It sounds like you just assumed that once he was single, you would just take the place of gf, but is that what he wanted? it sounds like he may not have been too sure…

What do you think?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jessi,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for letting us know about your situation and what you’re dealing with! So you have two guys to contend with…hm…well guys are like buses. There’s always one coming around the corner. If you miss one, you can just catch the next one. So that being said, it’s important to be choosy when you decide which bus to jump on or you could find yourself taken on a pretty precarious ride that drops you off in the middle of nowhere! So let’s take a look at your scenarios, shall we?

Guy #1: This situation is very concerning because you are trying to put all of your eggs in a basket that’s on another woman’s porch. He has even told you that he will shut down whatever it is that you’re doing if his ex decides that she wants to be with him. So that means that he is just using you for a good time. It sounds like you guys have fun and good chemistry, and after you both being in unhappy situations, of course it feels good to live in a fantasy with someone. But unfortunately, that’s all that it is. You can’t be trying to build a foundation with someone who isn’t available.

You said that that I told him that I wouldn’t stand in the way and that I would be supportive. And that is still my genuine answer. But then you said that you are not going to go down without a respectable and fair fight . These statements are diametrically opposed and also concerning that you would think that this is your man to fight for. Imagine if the situation was reversed and this was the father of your children. How would you feel about another woman that he just met was wanting to fight for him? What are you fighting for? Not only is he not yours to fight for, but NO WOMAN should have to fight for a man. If he wants to be with you, he will make the choice to leave his marriage completely and commit to you.

His indecisiveness is not the sign of a man who is going to do that and is definitely not in your favor. He will go back to the thing that’s the most comfortable, nine out of 10 times.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this doesn’t sound like anything more than a fun distraction for two people who are in deep pain from previous relationships…You deserve to be loved and cherished for who you are, not just be the side piece waiting around in case he doesn’t go back to his wife. You have to value yourself more than that, honey!

Guy #2: Do you like projects? Distraction #2, nuff said. Seriously, I didn’t need to read his story to get the gist that this guy is in NO WAY ready for a relationship either.

Girl, you need to learn your own value. How long have you been single? Have you ever been single? You need to decide what you want! Everything I hear is about how can I please these guys. These guys make me better. It’s not healthy.

Let’s go back to you…you were in an abusive relationship. You need to focus on healing yourself from that before you embark on trying to get into a relationship in order to heal.

Now I know this is a lot and I just want you to know that we say things like we see them here, but we do so from a place of love. We do so because we don’t want to see our ladies being taken advantage of, or being involved in unhealthy relationships, or getting their hearts broken. We say this because we care, and we want to help you be happy. So I hope you see that this is only coming from a place of care…and blatant honesty!

Please do share your thoughts, whatever they are. I am here to help you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shaye,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out to share your story! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. It’s never fun to have regrets, and it’s always so tempting to blame yourself for the situation and think if I only did this or that differently, my life would be exactly how I want it. While it’s normal to think that way, it’s never usually that true.

For one thing, it takes two to tango, and there are always things that each person in a situation did that influences the outcome of the situation. So I wouldn’t be beating yourself up too hard because you may have been doing what you felt was best at that time. And even if you were just reacting out of fear, that’s ok too. You’re human, and it sounds like you might have some trauma that is causing you to not trust in love and people who say that they feel that way about you, and that’s natural too. So let’s delve a bit more into the specifics so i can understand more and be of better assistance.

You said that you loved this person for 2 years, but only dated for 5 months once we finally got the chance to date.
What exactly does that mean? Why weren’t you able to date sooner if you’ve loved him for that long?

You also said: I was afraid he wouldn’t be able to love me how I needed to be loved

Now it’s very astute to know how you need to be loved, and it’s great if you have that knowledge. Can you share more about how it is that you need to be loved and how you came about finding out that this is what’s important to you?

To be fair, if someone isn’t going to be able to love you in the way that you need, then it IS the best thing to not go deeper into it and break things off before you get even more attached and entangled. So the real question for that is…what led you to believe that he couldn’t? It sounds like you’re thinking now that it was just your fear, but be honest…were there red flags that possibly were showing up that made you come to this determination? Could it be that you were actually right about that and you are just feeling sad now that he’s with someone else? As much as you may not want to believe that this is the case, it could be…I’d like to help you to weigh each side of the situation.

There is definitely a good amount to unpack here so let’s start with that! I look forward to hearing more and seeing how I can help.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Oh, I see that you already are talking with Heidi in a different thread, so I’ll let you continue there. She is wonderful and will be able to help you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Celia,

Welcome to the forum! We can absolutely help you navigate your dating and relationship questions.

Please share more so we can help!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Krithika,

Thank you for sharing more about the site that you’re meeting this man through, but I have to say that I’m a little confused…

So you are married, but are unhappy in your marriage as is he, and you come to the dating portal to meet other people who you will just spend time with platonically? Or you are coming there to meet other people to cheat on your spouses with? Or do your spouses know about this site?

In the US where I am there are so many sites but I’ve never heard of anything particularly like this in India and I am unclear as to how it works. I think I really need to understand this more before I can give any useful advice. because as i see it, if you’re just planning to be friends with this man, what does it matter if he finds you attractive or not? But if the purpose of the site is to just have a sexual relationship with someone, then it obviously is one of the most important parts ot the connection.

I’m also curious what the situation is with your husband. There is no judgement, I just am unclear as to what is happening here.

Please share more so I can fully understand your situation!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rachel,

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story in the forum! I’m really sorry to hear that things are going sideways in your relationship and that you’re feeling sad and lonely. We hope to be able to help you navigate this sticky situation, which sounds like there are lots of emotions and moving parts involved.

First off, what is the status of the relationship now? So you’re still living together but are you still officially broken up? How does that play out in your daily life? I know you mentioned that he’s going out a lot on his own now. Is that the only thing different or are there are other things that have changed?

You also said that you recently we had a discussion about the huge possibility that he either has undiagnosed adult adhd, or possibly is bipolar.

You were relieved and happy as is natural. I’m sure this was finally giving you a feeling of clarity and like things could be moving in the right direction. And then it felt blind-siding when he broke things off, especially when you’ve been there with him through all of this. My take is that having this possible “revelation” could have been really dysregulating for him, and while it felt like a wonderful milestone for you, it could have invoked all kinds of terror in him, creating the need to push away the person who he’s been the closest to in the last few years, aka you.

Who are the other close people in his life? Does he have any? Is he in therapy? Is he willing to be? If not, hopefully he is willing as it’s really a lot of pressure to put on you and your relationship to have you be the person who is helping to diagnose him, and that pressure could really have a lot to do with why he is feeling like he has to end things with you.

He might be right that maybe the two of you need to do work on your own before you can be together. What do you feel about that? You said that you’ve been having issues, or maybe always have. Can you speak more to those issues and how they play out?

The most important thing that you can do right now as this is going on is to take really good care of yourself. Do you have friends of hobbies that you love? Maybe things or people that you’ve been neglecting because you’re too caught up in what he’s doing and feeling? Try to focus on being there for yourself and taking care of your wounded heart because it doesn’t sound like he is doing much care in that realm for either of you. And at the end of the day you have to be able to self soothe if you’re going to be any good for yourself through these difficult times. Reading the material is great and recommended, but also try to find some things that are just for you, just to make you happy; not to try and fix him and your relationship.

Would love to hear more and please know that I am here for you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Krithika,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I understand how it can be confusing when someone tells you one thing but then is acting in another way. It sounds like you are attracted to this guy and so you are willing to have any kind of interaction with him that you can. Are you thinking that if you spend time with him he will become attracted to you eventually and you can have a relationship?

If I am coaching men, I do say that this can happen, because women are more attracted to a man’s personality and how he makes them feel. So often a man will meet a woman who just wants to be friends, and if they remain friends, eventually she might wind up becoming attracted to him and dating him. However, I have rarely seen this the other way around.

If you are spending time with a man who has said he’s not interested in you, you are losing time that you could be spending looking for another man who is, and who is going to give you the attention you deserve.

But it’s up to you. What do you want? Do you want a healthy and sustainable relationship with a man who adores you? Or do you want to wait around for a man who isn’t that into you with the hopes that he will eventually come around and see what you have to offer? Waiting for the latter could make you lose sight of the former…

What has your dating life been like so far? Have you been in a successful relationship?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kathleen,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing your story! We are happy that you are here and we look forward to helping you navigate the interesting world of dating that persnickety creature…men!

First off, I don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve been divorced, or what your dating life has been like since, but congrats on getting out there! it can be difficult to put yourself out into the dating world if you’ve been out of it for awhile. And the, kudos on finding someone that you actually like and that likes you, and you have, what sounds like, a relatively stable situation, with perhaps some room for improvement.

From what you’re saying, it doesn’t really sound to me like he’s interested in someone else, besides himself and his own life. Which when it comes down to it, could be seen as a rather mature and secure person. How long has he been a bachelor? What was his marriage like? What was his divorce like? It sounds like he has a family, so how much time does he spend with them during the week? Does he have friends that he visits with during that time, or hobbies?

The fact could be that he, like many people of a certain age, is just very set in his routine. Weekdays are for work and early to bed, early to rise. Maybe he sees friends or his kids. Maybe not. Weekends are for fun and relaxation, and when he sees his special person who he can relax and have fun with. He has introduced you to his family, he considers you his woman, you are busy during the week as well, so likely in his mind, that’s all well and good and there’s nothing to worry about. Status quo is good. You are not out of sight, out of mind, you just are not part of his weekday routine.

It sounds like for you it’s ok…but you would like more connection. More words of affirmation, more integration into his life? You say that you don’t want to change the frequency, so what is it that you would like more of? And have you told him?

You not being a part of his weekday routine is not something that bothers him, and he probably is unaware that it bothers you. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care, it just may not be on his radar. Men can be thick-headed and they are not mind-readers. If you want more connection with him, you have to let him know. How he reacts is where the real truth lies. It might be as simple as asking him for a phone call a few nights a week, or asking if there’s a weekday night that you can have dinner together, that is if you are both able to have dinner together at the same time.

At this point it sounds like you haven’t given him the chance to meet your needs, and that’s not fair to either of you. Let him know what you’d like and see what his response is. That’s how you will know if you have a keeper that you can build with, or if it’s time to move on.

I’m also curious what your previous relationship life was like. It can be difficult to be alone when you’re used to being married, so I’m sure that’s an adjustment as well.

Looking forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Marilyn,

I’m so sorry that I missed this message! How are you doing?

I’m not sure what’s going on right now in your relationship, but the general sense that I am getting is that you are really thinking too much about what you’re saying to this person and obsessing over every word that comes out of your mouth.

Here’s the thing…in a long term, healthy and sustainable relationship, no one and nothing is perfect. If you have to try to make sure that you say the right thing or the person is going to get turned off and leave you, then they are not your person. Your person is someone that you will feel totally comfortable with to express your wants and needs. And if they care about you and want to be your person, they will do their very best to support you in your wants and needs, and you will do the same for them.

If you have to constantly be begging, and asking, and cajoling, and trying to figure out exactly how to converse with someone in order to get what you want from them, it is a recipe for disaster. Because that is exhausting!

The best relationships are the ones that are natural, where people are just being themselves and the pieces fit together.

It sounds like his way of being a partner is not really enough for you, and that’s ok. It just might mean that he’s not the one for you. As I mentioned before, it sounded like his way of being with you changed once he felt more secure in the relationship so you have to assume that however he is being now is how he truly is. And however he was being while he was courting you, was basically him just putting his best foot forward in order to reel you in. I’m sorry to have to tell you that but it’s likely the case.

Think of it like when you’re meeting a new friend. If the friend doesn’t want to hang out, then you probably move on from the friendship. It’s the same thing here. Don’t be so desperate to make it work. He is showing you his true colors and if those colors do not feel good to you, you have to have the strength to walk away and know that something better for you will come along.

how does that sound?

xoxo
Spyce

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