[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nakysha,

This is Spyce, I am a new coach on the forum. So…I’m going to go against the grain and actually give you a different route to try and that is the one of bold honesty and confident transparency.

Ok, he’s not treating you how you want to be treated. That’s fair, and you absolutely deserve to be treated how you want to be treated. However, have you told him how you want to be treated? Some people would say that he should know, but people are different and not everyone has the same needs or desires.
Some people actually think that they could be bothering you. They might think that you’re too busy, and that by messaging you too much it will make them seem needy, and push you away.
So once again, have you told him how you want to be treated?

Also, has it been made clear what kind of relationship you or he are looking for? Have you had that talk? You can have amazing chemistry with someone, really hot sex, great conversation, and you may actually really like each other, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is available for a relationship. So it’s really important to clarify what someone is realistically available for before assuming that they will be giving you what you expect after you’ve had sex with someone, when you don’t know what that is.

Clear communication is what’s really important in the beginning stages of relationship, or else it’s too easy just to assume that someone is interested or isn’t, when in reality you don’t know much of anything of what the other person wants. you’re just guessing and playing tired waiting games trying to find out.

Stop that sh*t.

Get him on the phone as text muddles everything up. Ask him what he’s available for, what he’s looking for. Tell him the truth. That you enjoyed your time together, you’d like to get to know him but…THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED in order to do so.
Either he steps up to the plate and responds well, or he doesn’t and you move on. But trying not to spend your days waiting for his text and getting no clarity just sounds way more anxiety producing to me!
You ound like you’re not a shy woman, and you know how to ask for what you want. I’d think that the kind of man you’d attract would appreciate and respect a woman who would speak her mind, and would make her even that much attractive to him.
And if he is a jerk about it, then you have your answer. The dude is a douche and you can move on. Sounds like a win-win to me!

I’m very curious to know how this line of thinking around this sounds to you, so let me know your thoughts. I am open to hearing anything you have to say, and am not easily offended so please share freely!

Mwah!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

I hope that you’ve been well these last few days! It sounds like you’ve done a lot of soul searching and much personal development to really understand your motivations, triggers, and how your past is affecting your present. Your self awareness is on point!

It sounds like you’ve had quite a few of these deeper conversations with him via text and I’m wondering what might happen if you talked with him more in person where he’s not able to just blow it off or not answer. Have you tried talking with him face to face with some of these more difficult subjects? I know that can feel hard in and of itself, but it creates a scenario where you will both have to face the hard facts about things, and hopefully come up with some realistic solutions.

But something else that I wonder is this…you have indicated a few times that the nature of your relationship with him actually works for you. Sounds like you don’t like being with someone who is too needy, like the college boyfriend who didn’t want to let you out of his sight and ultimately drove you away. Then there was the mama’s boy, who couldn’t do a thing for himself even, much less for you. This relationship didn’t serve you well either. (I’m sorry to hear that this relationship made you feel so badly about yourself, instead of recognizing how amazing you were to be on top of making the relationship happen, and what an ass he was for not appreciating you. Ultimately though it sounds like he was way too immature to ever give you what you need.)

In the relationship that you’re in now, it sounds like he does actually give you what you need almost all of the time, as well as what you want a lot of the time. Maybe it’s just how you’re portraying it, but I don’t get the sense that he lays down the law and you follow. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like the two of you make up the boundaries in your relationship together. For the most part, it sounds like you are relatively secure in your connection with him, as well as your knowledge of who he is and how that affects you.

He doesn’t give you the security in words, but he does in action. They do say that actions speak louder than words, and his actions sound pretty darn committed to you.
The difficult part is that we are in uncharted waters, we are in the middle of a pandemic. If it was in normal times, I would be telling you to enjoy your connection with him, but advising you on how to be open to new experiences. Now, not so much.
While we are in covid times, perhaps enjoying what you have and using this time just as you’re doing is best.

That being said, recognizing that you have an issue with boundaries is key. Realizing that you do things in order to make people like you is valuable information. Noticing exactly where you do that in your relationship with him is the answer that we are looking for, so we can see if there’s a boundary in there that we can utilize to make you feel more cared for and comfortable in this situation.

What are your thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Bingo! Boundaries have everything to do with self esteem and confidence. It’s difficult to set a boundary when you want someone to like you because what if the boundary that you set makes them NOT like you, or makes them reject you in some way. So better to just not set any boundary and go with the flow. That way you won’t upset anyone and everyone will keep on liking you.

But that also means that anyone can do anything to you and you’re not going to stand up for yourself. And then people see you as someone that they can treat any which way and you’re not going to do anything about it.
I’m sorry to say, but that is happening in your relationship.

He knows that you’re never going to walk away, so he will do whatever he wants in terms of how he treats the relationship. But I understand that you don’t want to set a boundary of “I need this or else”. It can be a challenge sometimes to set a boundary that doesn’t come off as an ultimatum. And sometimes, a boundary is an ultimatum. But really, it’s just you standing up for something that’s unacceptable to you.

So is there anything that’s unacceptable to you? It doesn’t sound like there is, which is why you might be having such a hard time getting a boundary with him. The only thing unacceptable to you is if he’s with another woman, correct? But is there anything else, or do you feel like no matter what he does, you’re ok?

I do think your situation is perplexing, and I can feel your confusion as well. Because for all intents and purposes, you’re describing a wonderful and loving partnership to me. He’s attentive, caring, supportive, you have great chemistry and meaningful conversations.
Is really the only issue that we won’t acknowledge the relationship as a partnership when it’s so obvious to everyone else that it is?

What about your friends and family? What do they see him as? If he’s not your partner, then don’t people wonder who this guy is that you are in daily contact with?

I guess I’m just wondering who he thinks he’s fooling? Because the only one I’m seeing is himself. Have you ever had a conversation with him about the reality that you are in a relationship, whether he wants to call it that or not? Or are you afraid that if you point that out to him, he will pull away? Sounds like he’s done that before, ie the “wobble”. It sounds like a very precarious position to be in, and I get why your anxiety is in full swing.

Let’s go back to what we were talking about with being a people pleaser and having boundaries. It really all goes back farther usually than where we are now, right? So I’d be curious to know more about your history. What your first relationships were like? Your family dynamic, etc. I’m sure you’re highly aware of the fact that all of this plays so much into how we live our lives now.

So please do tell me more about your life before him. Have you been able to set boundaries ever in your relationships? Where did you learn the behaviours that you’ve learned?

Talk soon!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Yes! I am spicy for sure, haha! Funny story, my ex partner had a girlfriend before me named Cinnamon. I used to tease him that when we broke up he’d find everything nice. And he did! He’s now happily married and we are both better for it.

Thank you for sharing your story! Sounds like it hasn’t been easy and that you’ve had to find for yourself and provide for your children on your own through most of it. Kudos to you for making it through the rough years, and still going strong with a positive attitude! That’s not an easy thing to pull off, and you’re doing it, so I hope that you’re proud of yourself!

Traveling can be fun, I’ve done a lot of it myself, AND it can also be extremely exhausting. While there can be fun to be had on the road if you’re interested in more casual encounters, finding a lasting and stable relationship when you’re often in a different location can certainly be tough. It also sound like your job doesn’t give you much downtime so I’m sure that doesn’t help!

But I’m not surprised that you have had quite a few offers. You sound like a fascinating person who has lived a unique life, has the battle scars to prove it, but still wakes up with a smile on her face everyday. That’s a very attractive quality!
It also sounds like you’ve got a healthy set of adventurous hobbies and interests that would entice many men to want to jump on your bandwagon and join you for the ride.

I know online dating can be tough, and it sounds like it’s not your jam, which is totally ok! I do want to give just a little plug for online dating though as I feel like it can have its perks. I like to think of it as a way to pre-qualify people. When you meet someone in person you are typically going on physical attraction more than anything, and we all know that the physical isn’t always a good barometer of what someone is like inside. It also doesn’t speak at all to someone’s interests, how they operate in the world, what they are available for in relationships, etc. Now certainly someone can lie on their dating profiles, but there is a lot to be to discovered if you know how to really read in between the lines of a profile. And even just reading a bit about them can be much more informative than a glance in a bar.
Anyway, if you ever WANT to talk more about online dating, I’m your girl!

But I ALSO am a fan of in person meet and greets. After all, before the age of online dating that’s all we had, and many of us did quite well. And there is so much in person that you can tell in just a few minutes that it can take months in the digital world. I’m not sure how I feel about dating services, as I’ve heard too many horror stories from fellow coaches who have worked for them. But, I definitely love your idea of meetups! That’s exactly where people go to meet people, and of course, every stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet.
And every friend (well maybe not every, lol!) is a potential love interest!

I’m not worried about you at all! But I am excited to hear about your adventures, and happy to give support whenever needed.

Great to meet you!

[Coach Spyce]

Aw Samantha!

I’m so happy to hear that my words are helping you to feel that confidence that I can tell that you have inside of you, and it’s not even that deeply buried! It’s very clear that you are articulate, intelligent, and a true catch. I’m sorry that you have had a difficult time finding someone who really reminds you of that not only in their actions but in their words, but the good news is that I don’t think it has to be that way. And the even better news is that YOU are the one in control of your own destiny and relationship choices.

And so throughout all of this, that’s what I really want to keep reminding you of. You have so much power that you have to start using, and stop giving away. I know that you are terrified of losing him, and I understand that. But what if there is someone who could give you everything that he gives you and on top of that is able to make it a two way street?

Because that’s the thing. In order for a relationship to work for the long haul, the feelings AND the commitment have to be reciprocal.
It’s great that he feels love and care for you, and expresses that in his way, but his steadfast resistance to going deeper with you smacks of disrespect and more pointedly, the lack within himself to address these blocks.

So, are you going to keep waiting around for him to find himself and hope that the truth leads him back to you? Or are you going to make steps on your own to live your life and become so damn attractive and put together that more men will take notice and want you?

It’s fine if what you truly want is to do the latter so you can impress him with your self assuredness and fabulous life that you create for yourself. While I don’t think it’s a great idea to wait around for him endlessly and I do strongly believe that the changes he needs to make in order to be open to your love are within himself, as long as you’re making the changes, that’s the first step.

So as mentioned, one of these steps is coming up with a boundary that will help you to feel better in the situation. Thanks for telling me more about the validity of your fears with him and how things have been in the past. It sounds like your communication around other partners is solid a this point and something that you feel ok with.
So the question is, where is your real pain?

Setting healthy boundaries has become a buzz term that everyone goes on about, and I have taught numerous courses and done many podcasts and interviews around this very topic. And the most important thing when setting a boundary is to get very clear on where it’s coming from. You don’t want a boundary to be a shield that’s only based on fear or trauma. You want a boundary to be a filter, that truly helps you get to the next level of where you want to be.

So is there anything that you can identify that you feel like is getting in the way of you moving forward in your life that has to do with him? Besides the obvious, I suppose!
But someplace in your life where you’re not giving to yourself in a certain way because you either are giving to him, or afraid of his response? Let’s start there.

Think on it, and get back to me!
You got this, and I’m excited to see how much you’re working on in your life.
Once again, I am truly humbled and inspired by all of the amazing work you’re doing.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

This is Spyce! I am the newest coach around here and I just wanted to say hi and introduce myself. I see that you’re a vibrant part of this community and I look forward to learning more about you!

Sounds like you’re navigating the world of dating and meeting men a bit later in life. How is that going for you? I’d love to learn more about what’s alive for you right now, how you’re struggling, and where you could use support.

You asked above why Daniel would even begin a conversation with you if he wasn’t interested, and sometimes people are friendly, looking to make business connections, or any number of reasons beyond the flirty ones.
But also as Heidi mentioned above, sometimes you have to let things simmer a bit. Even though there’s something to be said for being assertive and knowing what you want, it is true that going overboard when you don’t know someone could scare them off.

However if we are being real here, I’m more of the mind that you need to be your true self, and the man that you want is someone who is going to be attracted to that and respond in kind.
If Daniel was turned off because you complimented him then that’s on him. It saves you time of having to play games with someone who isn’t ready or available for a relationship!
And don’t worry, Daniels are a dime a dozen 😉

Look forward to hearing more!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Samantha,

WOW lady, I am BEYOND impressed! That is an impressive list of goals that you are taking on, and not an easy task. You are working deeply on bettering almost every aspect of your being and that’s so brave and incredibly strong.
I am not only getting excited for you, I find it inspiring as well! And I can tell even from just these few conversations that you are going to serve your clients in a deep and profound way. You are amazingly strong, and this list of goals and accomplishments is a testament to that.
So proud and excited for you!

I relate to how difficult it would be to see him with someone else, but being that you know how he is about relationships, is that really a threat to you right now? Or has it been? I’m sorry but I can’t remember if you’ve mentioned that, but has he actually dated anyone in the years that you’ve known him?
Of course it’s no fun to be cheated on. No one wants it. But like any other rejection, you have to remember that it’s a failing of the other person, not yours when something like that happens. In this case, since you’re not technically in a monogamous relationship I can see how it would feel scary and produce anxiety. It sounds like anxiety is something that you struggle with in general, so looking at ways to reduce that seems important.

Just because you are “friends with benefits” and you’re “Not in a relationship” doesn’t mean that it’s an emotional free for all. People still have feelings that they are entitled to, and you still have to be a good person. It sounds like he wants to always err on the side of being a good person, so framing it in this way may make sense to him.
For all his emotional shortcomings, it does sound like he talks with you on a real level and is willing to work through things with you at least as good as any real friend would, so maybe this is an area where you can practice having some boundaries around.

That being said, I’d recommend talking with him and telling him about your anxiety. Letting him know that you’d like to have some boundaries around your connection. So if he’s going to sleep with, and/or date someone else, he needs to tell you, or don’t tell you, or whatever else is going to feel best for you. What’s important is that some of your needs for care around your anxiety are met in the relationship. And it’s not like you’re just going with whatever because you’re afraid he’s just going to leave. Some guys, I’d say yes. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think leaving is his MO.At least not from you expressing your feelings. Maybe if you’re trying to get him to express his feelings he might flee, but not from you expressing yours.

So that would be just one more thing to add to your clear and focused goal list. Set an emotional boundary for yourself. Just start with one. If the one around the idea of him being with someone else doesn’t resonate, find something that does. I’m sure that there’s something that doesn’t feel emotionally safe to you that you could tell him about and let him know how you need things to be in that realm.

If you’re not sure what that boundary might be, let me know and we can figure it out! But here’s what I do know: You deserve to be loved, cherished, adored, respected, and chosen. End of story!

Sending love and strength!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Madeline,

Nice to meet you! Thanks so much for sharing your story, and big congrats on your sobriety! That is huge and really commendable during these times. Many people are turning to unhealthy choices, so it’s wonderful that you are making healthy ones!

You don’t have to tell us if you are or not, but if you don’t have a sober community, I would suggest joining one. Meetings still happen over zoom, and there is always support available in that realm.
I think that would be helpful in the relationship with your partner as well. Having others who are supportive with your journey and can relate, could be very helpful.

Something else to keep in mind is that if he had to deal with you in a drunken state (I don’t know how you are as a drunk…rambling, weepy, mean, aggressive, etc) there might be things that he’s still really upset about that you may not remember that well. And if he’s not the type to volunteer information, I bet he’s harboring a LOT of feelings. Also, is it personally triggering for him? Is he an ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholics)? He might be going through some of his own trauma.

So I agree with Heidi. You have to talk to him. You have to just keep on making small talk or light conversation. Talk about the things you like to talk with him about. I’m sure if you have been together for 2.5 years, you have things you enjoy together, or ways that you connect. And like Heidi said, pepper in those deep meaningful thoughts that you really want him to know.

And, if you’re feeling up to it, ask him to be very honest with you. And ask him if there are things that happened that he still would like you to apologize for. Or if there are things that you may not know affected him the way that they did.

Recognize that your recovery journey doesn’t only affect you. Even if he’s not actively showing it, it’s likely influencing him in a big way.

And then I guess my other question is…why are you on a break?

Looking forward to hearing more!
C Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Samantha,

I want to echo what Heidi is saying as it’s spot on, and you yourself are saying it right there a couple of messages above.

Ideally by that point I would like him to have recognised my value and had another wobble over his plans…but this time chosen to pursue a relationship with me. In this scenario being a more confident version of me with boundaries would actually be beneficial to any future relationship.

Yes girl. Part of the reason that he doesn’t choose you is because he feels like he is not enough, and consequently that you are too much for him. You make him nervous because he knows how much you feel that you need him. That’s a lot of pressure, and it’s something that a man like him can’t relax into. It seems like he has a really hard time with people relying on him, even though he’s so reliable and capable.
The man has a lot of stories to work through, doesn’t he? It’s too bad that he won’t talk to someone outside of you about his feelings as it’s a lot for you to hold, but I am not surprised to hear that. My hope for you both would be that he’s able to open up to someone someday. That’s a lot to carry, and sounds like it severely gets in the way of having deep intimacy in his life.

But enough about him, how does what I’m saying relate to what you said about yourself above, and being confident? It’s to alert you to the fact that already know what you need to do, what you’ve been advised. I think deep inside you know that the more confident in who you are, and the more you just are who you are, outside of him, doing things for you, and creating opportunities in your own life, the more he will be able to relax into being the man that you want him to be, that he wants to be. The more you’re able to take care of yourself a bit more, and just do you, the more attracted he will become, and the more inspired he will be to connect to you. I promise. The more you have impeccable self care, and beautiful healthy boundaries, the more attractive you will become.

You sound like a very intelligent and strong woman. You are building a business, which is commendable and a lot of work. It’s wonderful that he’s been supporting you, as that’s what partners do, (and let me just say, he IS your partner, whether he wants to call it that or not) but you need to blast out and make it your thing.
That will be better for your heart, and your business. Fully commit to it, and it will be successful!
Ok that’s my business coaching for the day, back to love!

As Heidi said above, it’s time to reshape and step more into your potential.
What does that mean to you? How are you going to achieve that? I have a feeling you know what to do…

So I’d love to hear from you 2-3 things that you are planning to do for yourself, and also when you are going to do them by. Let’s hear more about how you can practice self care, and self love.

Because if you want someone to love you, you have to love yourself!
So do it up lady! Love yourself, as much as you love him, for even just a day and see what it feels like.

I’m rooting for you! Keep us posted 🙂

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Brenda,

Nice to hear back from you and thanks for telling me more about your mail friend! So it sounds like he’s not married or otherwise engaged, so that’s a plus! There still could be many reasons why he’s unsure of his abilities to be in a relationship, but at least we know that you’re not inadvertently asking him to step out on his significant other or previous commitments.

Seems like he’s a caring and helpful person, like you, so perhaps giving him an opportunity to be of service to you in some way could be a good idea. After all, that’s some people’s thing, their love language. The idea of “hanging out” to a shy person (who also might have some other communication issues) can seem like it’s going to be torturous. But the idea of helping a friend with a house project is not as terrifying.
I get the feeling that figuring out a way to “hang out” without making it into a “hang out” could be just what the doctor ordered!And maybe what he wants that too?

I don’t see anything wrong with putting in just a little more effort and trying to get to know him more, if! And yes, there is an if! If you can be relaxed about getting to know him, and not yet making it about a relationship. I understand that you have that feeling with him and want him to be in your life, and I think he can. BUT, and there is a but…he could be hiding many things, and there’s almost always more to the story that’s going on.

So I think you should absolutely ask him if he can help you with the project. If he does, then get back to me and we will figure out what to do next. If he doesn’t, then I think he just may not be available to connect any deeper. And you will have to be ok with that, remember that it’s not about you. and move on.

Yes, it’s difficult to date right now during covid, so the guy who is coming to your door everyday anyway may seem like a good option, but as I like to say…men are like buses, a new one comes around in 10 mins. And if you truly are ready for a relationship, you can and will find one. You sound like a vivacious person who will have no trouble getting out there (once it’s safe to do so) and meeting people.

And in the meantime if you want to get to know the mailman a little more, I’d say go for it!

Let me know how it goes!
C Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Emile,

I’m new on the forum but I see you’ve been here awhile, so I just wanted to say hi and introduce myself!
I look forward to getting to know you as time progresses!

What is the thing that’s most alive for you right now?
What is a project that you’re working on that’s inspiring you?

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Samantha,

I’m new here, nice to meet you! I’ve read through your messages and I can feel your heartbreak as it’s so palpable. I resonate with this feeling so much, and know what it’s like to love a man for the potential of what you can have, if only if they will just open up to it.
Of course you want to hold on, because what you have is so good, and if only he would…and therein lies the issue. It’s him.This is totally and 100% his issue. And that, my dear, is unfortunately something that only he can change.

I have to agree that what you have with him does sound pretty damn near perfect, except for the moment when he ruins it all but saying, “I can’t be in a relationship with you” when hello? He IS in a relationship with you.
Call it what you want, call it friends with benefits, but you sound like almost any old married couple to me, although you likely are having more sex!

He absolutely has real feelings for you, but he obviously has hangups around said feelings and knowing that he can deserve this deep connection, as Heidi said. Also, many men who use internal work as an excuse for intimacy, or say that they have to be in some specific place in life before they are ready for a relationship, desperately fear that they are not enough for you, and that they would ultimately disappoint you. And then you would reject him, and leave, thereby proving that he’s not worthy of love, and he needs to work more on himself. Vicious cycle, hm?

It sounds like he’s in touch with his emotions to a certain degree, does he have anyone else that he talks to? A therapist? A coach? A good friend?
He knows that you want a commitment from him, and he can’t give you those words, even though his actions for the past four years have been loud and clear. But maybe if he had someone else to talk to that was objective, he could look more clearly at his situation.

And then, how can you take care of you right now? What can you do to get what you need in these moments?

Let me know 🙂
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Brenda,

Welcome! Congratulations on taking the step to be here, and I’m so glad that you posted about your situation so we can get to know you more.
You seem to be a very positive, upbeat, and action oriented person. All great! And in terms of your friend, it sounds like it brightens his day when he sees you and he absolutely enjoys the interactions that he has with you. You are obviously a friendly and kind person, so I’m sure that you often can put a smile on people’s faces!

But whether that can translate into a romantic relationship is a whole other story. It could be, but there’s too much information left out of this proposal.

The main question that I have is about him. What do you know about him? You haven’t mentioned anything about his life outside of being a mailman (which I agree with you, mail uniforms are cute!). What is his relationship status? Does he have kids he’s taking care of? Or is he a caregiver to a parent also? Is he a single guy living alone in an apartment somewhere? Does he have a big family, lots of friends?
There are so many unknown factors here that determine how best to move forward.

So if you don’t have these answers, that would be the best place to start. Getting to know him more. There could be a kajillion reasons why he doesn’t want to “hang out” and I’m sure none of them are because you’re not lovely.
But his life situation might make a romantic relationship unreasonable and unrealistic for him, and until we know more about that, it’s difficult to say exactly what our next move is.

It sounds like you’ve been forthcoming with him about your life and he’s been “shy”. So start by engaging him more about himself to pull him out of that hard crunchy candy-coated shell 🙂
Oftentimes, that’s what the shy guy wants more than anything. He wants someone who will ask him questions and listen to the answers. If there’s a pause, just wait for a second. Have the confidence to let it linger. He just might surprise you with an earful.

Look forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Coach Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nicole,

This is Spyce, I am one of the new coaches here!

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It sounds like a painful and confusing experience, even though there was also so many beautiful moments of care and connection with this man. I’m really sorry for how things ended, and I’m glad you reached out so that we can remind you that you are not alone.

So first off, it sounds like he “lovebombed” you! Very common thing, and very painful. You meet someone and they give you all the things that you’ve always wanted and more, and then they run away when things get real. It’s a fine adventure of going with the flow and flying by the seat of your pants, but it hurts people in the process. I feel you, it’s no fun! It sounds like it’s felt really devastating to have someone be there for you so implicitly, and then end it so abruptly.

That being said, please know that his rejection is not about you, even though it feels like it could be. Of course it feels like if you did something different, were less “needy”, or never asked him about the nature of the relationship, that things would have just kept going on the way they were. In limbo perhaps, but in a blissful limbo.

It’s so natural to feel that way, and you are not wrong for any of those feelings. But I just want to remind you, that you never did anything wrong. You have every right to have clarity in your relationship. You have every right to get support from this person who you had gotten so close to. His inability to provide you with these things are a result of his failings, not yours.

I’m sure the desire to contact him and try to reconnect is strong, and I completely understand. What seems important in this situation would be to evaluate a few things before going down that road.

1. What are you hoping to get from contacting him?
2. What result do you have in mind?
3. Do you feel like he’s been clear with you about where he’s at with your relationship?
4. Do you think that there’s something that you can do to change his mind?
5. Is it going to help you to heal? If so, how?

Let me know your thoughts about what I’ve said here. I look forward to continuing the discussion!

[Author]

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