[Coach Spyce]

Haha, I’m so glad that my being blatantly honest makes you think that I am nice! See how easy that is?

Thanks for telling me more about what’s going on in your life. I totally understand wanting to have someone in your life that you feel like has your back, is your person, and is someone who will always be there for you. That’s what we all want, and eventually many of us get there. I truly believe that it’s possible for everyone, and a lot of it has to do with knowing your worth, and not settling for someone who is not giving you exactly what you deserve.

It’s really nice that you have a friend who wants to have that with you, and if he’s a really good friend, maybe the attraction will grow over time. But here’s the thing. You have your entire life ahead of you! You have so much relationship experience to explore. It’s so important to discover who you are and what you really want before resigning yourself to a relationship that you’re not 100% excited about. You have plenty of time in your life to settle, now is not the time for that!

Live life, and try to take things slow. Focus on what you want in life for yourself, outside of the desire for someone else. You don’t need anyone else to tell you that you’re beautiful and worthwhile. You need to know that in yourself. And when you do, you will attract the kind of man that you desire.

And in terms of your friend Mr Loser, guys like him are so obnoxious and a dime a dozen. I am sure he might seem cool right now, but I assure you, he is not. When you are his age, you will see how low on the totem pole of decent men he is. In the meantime, you have to just try and reframe the situation. There are a million reasons why this isn’t a good match, but none of them are because there’s anything wrong with you.
Think about it…do you really want to be with this guy? Do you really want to be snuck into his dirty room? I don’t see why…

So remember that. You don’t want this guy. You want someone different, someone good, someone cool, someone who will have your back and be there for you. Drop the douche and move on!

You got this, girlfriend 🙂

[Coach Spyce]

Haha, YOU’RE awesome! Too awesome to be wasting time with a loser like this guy. Everything that you’re telling me about him only makes his LOSER status rise in my opinion.

There’s a reason that he’s spending time with you, and that’s because no one his age who is ready for a real relationship would have any interest in him! You’re young, and because of that you’re more forgiving. As I said before, if you were talking about a guy within your age range who worked a crappy minimum wage job, lived with his mom in a dirty room full of empty beer cans, filthy bongwater, playing video games all the time, I would say…”doesn’t sound like great relationship material”. BUT I would cut him some slack because he’s young and it’s ok if you don’t have your stuff together in your early-mid 20s.
But this guy is a GROWN ASS MAN and his behaviour is just redonkulous.

You want to know what kind of man doesn;t have sex for 5 years? A loser who lives with his mom in a dirty room full of empty beer cans, filthy bongwater, playing video games all the time, that’s who.

He is stunted, and that’s why he even thought it was ok to even be with you in the first place. He has no other prospects because women his age won’t give him the time of day. He also probably knows that trying to be with you is pretty damm pathetic, so he’s at least doing something right by cutting it off.

But here’s the thing, gorgeous! Please don’t think that any of this is because you’re not good enough for him. He’s not good enough for you!! Please don’t waste any more time trying to get him to like you. Please just ignore him and move on. Seriously girl. Lose his number! Let’s find someone worthy of your attention to focus it on.

Tell me more about what you want in life. What kind of guy do you like? Who do you envision yourself being with? What are the traits that are important to you?

You’re a beautiful young girl, the world is your oyster. Please don’t throw away your precious time trying to connect with some middle aged deadbeat. Look to the future!

[Coach Spyce]

I just wanted to clarify that last line, because I know that him dating someone else is not really the issue here, at least not the present one. But it’s really stuck with me what you’ve said about wanting someone who will have your back, be there for you AND commit to it verbally so you can relax, and you don’t have to keep worrying about it.
That’s what I want to see for you. That rest and release when you just know that someone is there for you, no matter what. You are their priority, they are your person. Having that would greatly enable you to move forward on all your exciting projects in a big way.

Something I feel like I’m not clear on, and I wonder if you really are either, is what does he need to feel ready? What exactly is he waiting for? Why is the “wobble” even called that? Why is it a bad thing? So he wobbled into being human, enjoying love and companionship with the most important person in his life? Because he allowed himself to feel happy before…before what? What it is that he needs to prove to himself or to anyone else?

If you can really get deep into the heart of these questions, I think that you will have more answers. And at this point, you might be the only one who can get the answers. It sounds like you’re the only one he talks to with any transparency.

So get curious. And don’t make it about you, what you need, or what he thinks you need from him, just try to get some answers, AND make him think more deeply about his own self worth. Remind him that he is loved and valued just as he is. Let him know how great of a partner he already is.
What really is the issue here?

I have a feeling his problem is boundaries too, but I want to hear more from you first.

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Ecaterina (pretty name!)

This is Spyce, I am one of the new coaches on the forum. Glad to see that you’ve had some really helpful conversations with Heidi! I’m happy to know that it’s been helping. Heidi is a way for a bit so I can give you some thoughts in the meantime, even though I may not know as many details.

People have different speeds when it comes to love and being in relationships. As women, we are taught to fall in love quickly. And as men, we are taught that love is a sign of weakness, and to hold out as long as possible before giving in. because once you give in, you’re trapped. That certainly doesnt have to be the case but since it often is, men are wary.

To me, that’s what this sounds like. It sounds like you moved too fast for him, and you scared him away. You’ve only known him a couple months, yes? Get to know him a bit more. See if he’s even the kind of person that YOU want to be in a relationship with. Just be a bit more casual with him.
Don’t be caught up with the idea that you’re going to be together forever or that you need an answer now. Just spend time with him, get to know him. Chat and go out with other men, you’re not in a relationship.
He doesn’t love you because he doesn’t know you. Give him a chance to relax before you throw all your pearls at him.

Hoping it goes well!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Lilli,

This is Spyce, I am a new coach on the forum. Heidi is out for a few days so won’t be able to respond. I see that you have a long history of chatting with her so I won’t try too hard to get in the middle of that. However, I am happy to give my thoughts on your situation once I’ve caught up a bit more!

In the meantime, I can answer your question about social media and men trying to connect on there. I think that it feels much safer for men to be able to like photos and have casual interactions with women online evern if they are married or in a relationship as it’s not technically cheating. Social media is just a friendly place where connections of all kinds can be made. Business, educational, community, friendships. It’s not a dating site, so their wives and partners can’t actually get mad at them for being on it.

That being said, I always find it strange when men do use it as a way to date, or try to connect romantically with someone. There is so little anonymity on much of social media that it doesn’t really feel safe to me to establish connection to someone like that. I personally don’t want someone to know everything about me off the bat, and I don’t accept friend requests from people that I’m not connected to in some way, especially men.
I’ve actually been seeing many profiles that seem fake, where a handsome doctor or other high level professional will send a friend request and try to connect. It’s highly unlikely that they are who they say that they are!

That’s my 2 cents on it all.

Nice to meet you!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

It’s great that you’re doing therapy and becoming more aware of how you’re being affected by the choices you make, and the relationship that you’re in.
Is he willing to do therapy as well? It sounds like it could really benefit him and might actually be the thing that saves your relationship.

You said that you want to give it a real shot, but that he doesn’t have much capacity to talk about his feelings. Sadly though, without him going deeper into his emotional body as well, it’s going to be difficult for you to make any progress. It also sounds tough that he uses alcohol to open up, but is asking you to refrain. How do you feel about that?

Obviously there are issues that stem from before this break in your relationship, and it sounds like you haven’t really felt fulfilled for awhile. Have you been holding back on asking for what you really want because you are afraid if you do that he will leave?
If you feel like you have to tiptoe around him in order to be together, that’s not a sustainable situation either….

In terms of the book or any of our material here, it’s all here for you to glean wisdom from and connect with. However this forum is really the best way to get feedback on your own particular situation, so hopefully we can guide you here to make the decisions that will keep you feeling empowered and happy!

Talk soon!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Faith,

Hello and welcome to the forum! Glad that you’re here with us, and we look forward to helping you navigate the tricky waters of the relationship world!

So I’m sorry to have to be the one to break it to you, but this situation has RED FLAG written all over it!

First of the broken cardinal rules is this: YOU WORK TOGETHER!!
Big no no! Have you ever heard of the expression, “Don’t sh*t where you eat”? This is exactly what that is referring to.The only way to ever meet someone at work and have it go well is if you have known them for years, or if you are totally ok with walking away from the job if things get dicey. Because if you barely know them and you connect with them, then they will.

Secondly, this guy is 34, lives with his mother, and had to sneak you in. Ok you’re 19. If you live with your mother, or if you met a guy your age that lives with his mother I wouldn’t think anything of it. But he’s old enough to know better. And the sneaking around part? Why is he sneaking you in? Is it because of your age?

Third, you were both drunk, which in your case, isn’t even legal (unless it is where you live). But to be fair, nothing good can happen when people are connecting for the first time when they are drunk. It’s all just a recipe for disaster.

This guy sounds like a real piece of work. Please delete his number and never contact him again. I’m sure that you can do way better than a 34 year old loser who lives with his mom who seduces young co-workers, gets them drunk, sleeps with them, and then drops them.

There’s only one thing that he got right. And that’s when he said that you’re awesome and gorgeous. You are, I’m sure! So value yourself more than that, sweetie! Don’t give him anymore of your precious time. The guy is a tool.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

I know that those words are hard to hear, and I’m sorry to have to to say them. Even though we just met recently, I really do think the world of you, and admire your commitment to your goals, and your desire for self awareness. You probably already know this, but that’s WHY I am saying these things. Because I really want to see you being valued.

I agree that his words and actions are confusing and out of alignment, and it’s obvious that he is super confused himself. On one hand he’s telling you that you’re the most important person in his life, and on the other hand he’s saying that he’s not willing to give you, that most important person in his life, what you need to feel safe and comfortable. Perhaps he feels like he doesn’t have it to give, but as we already discussed, he’s basically giving it to you already.

It’s not that I think he won’t change his mind, it’s that I don’t want to see you waiting around for him, endlessly available and pining for someone. You are worth more than that, and you’re disrespecting your value. Don’t you feel like in some ways it make your self esteem worse? You must ask yourself all the time, “why is it that he doesn’t want to be with me? What is it about me that pushes him away?” And then the dreaded, “What can I do to change how he feels?”
Even if you know in your heart of hearts that it’s not you, and that he needs to do the work to make the change in himself to know that HE deserves you, I’m sure that it still feels like constant rejection. And I hate to see that for you.
It just feels so dicey waiting on someone else’s healing to have what you want. This situation seems to me to be a big part of why you don’t feel like you deserve more, or that you can have that. You’re ok with what you have now, it’s more than you’ve had before, so you don’t want to risk losing it. I understand that completely.

The thing is, setting boundaries is risky business. Because there’s always the chance that someone is not going to like your boundaries, and not going to respect them. And then you have to employ the most difficult part of the boundary game and stick to them. Coming up with boundaries may be hard, but sticking to the boundaries that you set when they aren’t respected is the hardest part of all.

So I can tell you more about boundaries, and what I think your particular boundaries are going to be, but you may not like what I have to say. That’s why I think it’s important for you to decide on your own, what you are willing to risk in order to get what you want. I don’t think that you’re ready to risk losing him, and that’s a very real possibility if you tell him that you are no longer willing to continue on with the status quo of your relationship.

But I do wonder what his response would be if he knew that he could lose you. Not as an ultimatum, but speaking to the fact that you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be chosen. And that you won’t continue to be the most important person to someone who isn’t committing to not throwing you under the bus if someone else comes along who he likes better.

So that’s a big part of it.

Thoughts?

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nuzhat,

This is Spyce, I am one of the new coaches on the forum. Nice to meet you! Thanks so much for sharing your story! It sounds like you are a strong and accomplished woman, who is very family oriented and passionate. It’s wonderful that you had a friendship with someone that blossomed into a love relationship, but it also sounds like things have had some level of intensity for awhile. Perhaps you are both intense people?

I would like to bring something up here, and that’s the fact that he is widowed, which is a heavy thing in and of itself. It also sounds like amidst his grief, there’s some guilt there as well. And that guilt might be intensified by the feelings that he has for you, especially since he’s known you from before he was married, and may have had feelings for you for a long time as well. So these feelings could be triggering new grief, new guilt. And grief is not linear, and healing can take a long time. So potentially he could be having feelings about his wife that he’s not sharing.

It’s also difficult for someone to not be triggered when they are in a state of stress, which he sounds like he is. So him feeling that you’re not there for him, or that you don’t care, sounds like a trauma response, as I think eas mentioned above. Does he have anyone to talk to?

The best thing that I can think of for you to do right now is to try to see how he’s doing. Make it all about him, not you and your need for connection. Tell him that you’re concerned for him, ask if there’s anything that he’s going through, see if you can get him to open up. It might be difficult because he may feel like you’re the one who should be leaning on him, but it’s important for him to know that you see that he’s not ok, and that you want to help.

Let us know how it goes!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey lady,

So what I’m starting to see here with more clarity, is that like it or not, he has actually been very clear with you, time and again. And I’m starting to feel like waiting around for him to “recognize” that he’s in a relationship with you already and just finally “own up” to what’s happening ins unfortunately very likely not going to happen.

It seems like he really does care about you, and as you mentioned, he’s a stand up kind of guy who is going to do everything in his power to be kind to you and considerate of your feelings, but whether it’s from fear, his own inadequacies or what-have-you, the more I’m learning, the more I feel like he’s just not going to change his mind.

And to be fair, you’re worth more than to be pining after someone and hoping that they are going to change their mind. You deserve better than that, AND I truly believe that you can have it. I absolutely 100% believe that there is a man out there who has the qualities that you’d want in someone, the qualities that this friend of yours has, and more! Someone who has and/or is doing the work on himself to be open to intimacy and all that it offers. Someone who desires a deep committed connection. And someone who is going to appreciate the treasure that is you, and want to claim it. Claim you, choose you, and give you all the love and support that you are worthy of.

You obviously want more than what he can give you, so if that’s the case, why be satisfied with what he can give? Why only allow yourself a portion of what you want, as opposed to all of it? I know you may not agree with me that there’s someone out there that can truly love you, and I want to know why that is?

You are right, lockdown is going to end eventually, and he likely will want to go out and meet more people. And you have to be ready for that too. You have to start acknowledging that what he’s giving you is not enough, and that you deserve more.

And once you are able to really get into that space of knowing that you deserve more, you will be able to figure out what kind of boundaries you need to set in order to get those things. But for now, we need to start seeing where this relationship is not serving you, and, as we’ve all said, come back to your deepest parts. Love those places, and start thinking of a future where you have all of the things that you truly want, with someone who is capable of giving that to you.

I know this can happen, and I truly believe in this vision of your future!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

This is Spyce, I am the other coach on the forum. Thanks for sharing your story! I agree with what Heidi said above that it does sound like a very difficult situation to be in. It’s very hard when you are dear friends with someone and so close and then they are willing to walk away from all of it.

Unfortunately it sounds like he is not willing to look deeply at himself or his fears. That’s typical, many people aren’t, and specifically men who are taught that being open about their emotions is a detriment and weak. It also sounds like he has the support of his friends to not be open or look at himself. He is carrying a lot of shame and guilt, and it’s not fair for you to bear the brunt of all that.

You went through a very traumatic experience with being pregnant and having an abortion. You deserve to have the support you need during a difficult time like that, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you going to trusted friends and family for that support. Yes, they are his friends and family as well, but you’ve been close with him for a long time, and those people are close to you as well. You being forced to hide your emotions because of his inability to be open is not only unfair, it is cruel and immature.

He says that you’re never getting back together because of your actions, but I would advise you to never get back together with him because of his. The way he treated you during this very difficult time is pretty awful, and I know it may not feel like it right now, but I’m here to tell you that you dodged a bullet! Life comes with all kinds of difficulties, and you want to be with someone who will care about how you’re affected when things come at you sideways. He doesn’t sound ready or willing to be in a healthy and loving relationship, and who knows if he ever will be.

It sounds like the best thing that you can do is separate yourself from this toxic relationship. It’s great that you’re going to therapy, taking your medication, and doing things for yourself. I would start focusing on the pros of having him out of your life.
Can you make a list and share it with us? I think that would be cathartic!

Keep us posted!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Upsana,

This is Spyce, I am one of the new coaches here on the forum. Nice to meet you! Heidi is out for a bit so you may not hear from her for a bit, but I can also help and am happy to do so.

It sounds to me, and also like what Heidi said in an earlier response, is that he is totally overwhelmed with his life and everything in it. Adding in a long distance relationship on top of that is quite a lot. An in person relationship requires much communication but there is the time spent in person that is easier to manage as it’s not something that you have to think about and plan as much. When you’re in different countries and timezones, you have to make a real concerted effort to connect with the other person. And if you are barely hanging on in your own life, making such an effort can feel insurmountable. So it doesn’t sound unreasonable that he is saying that he can’t handle having a relationship right now. If I were you, I would take what he’s saying at face value and believe him.

In terms of him still being on the dating sites, many people log on when they are stressed as a distraction, not when they are actually available for a relationship. And that’s the thing. he may be interested, but he’s not available. He told you that, so you have to believe him.

At this point, I’d recommend focusing your attention elsewhere. I don’t think trying to revive it is a healthy choice, especially when he explicitly has said that he’s not available for what you’re looking for, and he lives in a different country.

I understand if this isn’t what you want to hear, but I do believe that the sooner you move on from this situation, the sooner you will be able to be open to someone new who can be available.

How does that sound to you?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Madeline,

Well it sounds like he was really hurt by things that you said when drinking, and now feels like he can’t trust you. It’s good to hear that you’re going to therapy and that is sure to help the communication between the two of you.
Obviously the sobriety will help, but it also sounds like there are some underlying issues from before this break, that actually caused the break.

It’s obvious that he cares about you and it sounds like he wants to work through things with you so you can stay together and have a happy and healthy relationship. So that’s really great!
Being vulnerable with him and showing him that you’re scared too may help. Being open and honest as you can is a good tactic.

Have you tried asking him more about how he feels? What is he scared of? What can you do to help alleviate those fears?
Sounds like you’re really trying with your sobriety and making steps.

In terms of staying here with us, we certainly hope that you choose to! Everyone’s story is different, and we are here as relationship coaches to help strong women like you in any aspect of their relationship lives, whether they are in one, striving for one, getting out of one, etc.
So to me, I think you’re in the perfect place!

Please keep us posted on how things are going!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Karen,

This is Coach Spyce, welcome to the forum! I’m glad that you’re here with us. I’m sorry to hear that things weren’t foing well with your new boyfriend! How are things going now? Any new changes?

To me it sounds like you really hurt him. His pride, his ego, his feelings, whatever. He was hurt. He felt rejected by you when you wouldn’t talk with him, so he decided that he was going to pay you back.
Some people’s love language really is Acts of Service. If you don’t want to accept their help in your time of need, they can feel very very rejected. And for you, maybe you’re the kind of person that doesn’t want to burden someone when you’re not feeling well, or feel ashamed to be down, or just need their space.
So it sounds like you may not be compatible in that way.

And maybe you’re over it at this point, but if you like him, I’d message him and see how he’s doing. After all, men have feelings too, and it sounds like he was going through something tough. A little bit of kindness and compassion can go a long way.

Or if you’re done, then go on with your bad self!
Let me know how it’s going 🙂

Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Huyen,

This is Spyce, I’m a new coach on the forum! Looks like you’ve been having some great conversations with Heidi these last few months. Heidi is going to be out this week, but I’ll be here to help out. I’m looking forward to learning more about you and life, and helping however I can.
I can see that there’s a lot for me to catch up on and it might take me a bit to get up to speed, but I just wanted to connect with you and say hello!

What I’m getting is that you are coming out of your shell and doing new things since separating from your husband. You are learning more about yourself, your triggers, how you work, and how better to communicate your needs and desires. That’s huge and super important!

I look forward to learning more 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

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