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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 626 total)
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  • Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Susan,

    Welcome to the forum and thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree with you, it’s such a devastating situation and I’m so sorry! It hurts so much and is so shocking to have the rug pulled out from under you like that with no warning. Sudden loss is one of the worst kinds of pain because we have no time to prepare for it, and as you mentioned, no closure. I am truly sorry that you are going through this experience and I hope that we can help give you some comfort during this difficult time.

    It really sounds like this man has a deep seated pattern that when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. He pulls away at the slightest sign of things not being perfect or “fun” and not only is that not mature or kind, it’s also just not fair or realistic.

    Let’s discuss reality first. Life is full of joy for sure, but you can’t have the sweet without the sour and many difficult experiences are going to come about if you are on this planet long enough. If you’re blessed to make it to a certain age in life and not have had to deal with your demons, you will eventually, because no one gets out alive. Having someone by your side who will be in it with you for all of it is the basis of true love, and a healthy relationship. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health. Someone who is not willing to live by those words will certainly die alone.

    In terms of the maturity and kindness, this man is not displaying any of that. Has he had any long term relationships or does he always leave as soon as “life gets real”? If he feels like things are “boring”, that’s a personal issue too. It’s not your job to make his life exciting. If he’s bored, it’s because of his own inabilities to find true pleasure in this world, and it’s not on you to change that for him.

    We always like to say around here that it’s not how someone treats you when they are at their best, but how they treat you at their worst that counts, and he is showing you that he is not a decent and upstanding person. You are 56, and I assume that you want someone to grow old with. Do you want to spend any more time with someone who is going to run away at the smallest sign of discomfort? Do you want to become more deeply attached or committed to someone who is willing to leave you abruptly with no care for you after 3 years and buying a house together? If you somehow convince him now to stay, do you think that he wouldn’t pull this again in 5 years, 10 years, etc when you’re even that much more dependent on him?

    I know it’s hard to want to believe this, but as they say, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And this is really a display of his true colors.

    Awaiting your response,
    xoxo
    Spyce

    in reply to: Older Single trying to date again #33724
    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Rhonda,

    I actually don’t think that you are alone in feeling like the place where you live is super important and can affect everything. I am glad to hear that you are looking at making some positive changes in your life that involve less work and more enjoying of life. It sounds like this job, ironically enough, is showing you that you can live with much less money than you thought, so maybe that can be a blessing. If this job is the one that makes you run screaming back to Calgary and decide to take a low stress job where you can relax on a daily basis, then I’d say it’s a win for sure!

    I do truly believe that once you’re in an environment where you’re truly happy, everything else will fall into place.

    xoxo
    Spyce

    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Deborah,

    Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! First off, I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is so devastating, and to lose a partner at this stage in life and have to get back into the dating pool is so hard. Have you been to any support groups, or have found others in a similar situation? Either way I feel for you and am glad that you are here. Hopefully we can help you become more successful and find someone great!

    I do agree that you shouldn’t have to wait until some time in the figure when you have everything “perfect” in your life to start dating. Life and nothing in it is perfect, and if you’d like some companionship now, there’s no reason to not start looking for it. I just don’t want you to get disheartened too quickly, because online dating can be really tough. Swiping on someone based on a look when you know nothing about the person really is not a great way to meet someone. Really it’s a numbers game, so to be honest, actually meeting four guys isn’t that bad! Bur you probably will have to go on a LOT more dates before you find a love connection.

    In terms of what to say in your profile, have you thought about saying that you’re widowed? There’s a big difference between someone who was never married or in a long term relationship, and someone who was with someone for years but just never legally got married. I’d assume it can be a red flag for someone if at a certain age someone is not divorced, but there can be ways around it. Do you have to indicate that or can you just write single? If you’d like to post some of the verbiage from your profile I’d be happy to look it over and give you some pointers.

    Another thing to chew on, is that maybe online dating just isn’t for you. As mentioned above, it’s not always the best medium for meeting people. I know it’s more challenging with covid, but nothing beats meeting people in person over shared interests. Might be something to think about!

    xoxo
    Spyce

    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Corrine,

    Thanks for your thoughtful reply. It’s obvious that you have done a good amount of self reflection and are aware of your strengths and weaknesses. Good for you! You sound like you’d make an excellent partner, and the right man is going to be very lucky.

    That being said, this man could be the right one, but only if he knows it, wants it, and is going to do his own inner work to be it. As you mentioned, it’s too soon for you to “course correct” him, and even in the most committed of relationships, it’s rarely anyone’s responsibility but the person who is dealing with the fear or what have you. It’s nice that he’s looking at patterns by reading self help books, but reading some books and actually making different choices in life are two very different things, as I’m sure you’re aware of.

    I can understand how good chemistry can make one feel more connected to someone where other aspects of the connection are unrealistic and if you’ve been out of touch with the relationship world for awhile, I am sure that feeling would be intensified as well. But even from what you said about your connection with him, it doesn’t sound like something to hang your hat on.

    For example: how well we get along (when we aren’t talking about anything too serious), Hmmm….and again…he was fulfilling all those things that I wanted in a partner, until it got more serious

    The point of dating for most people is to have it grow into something more serious. If you are only having a fun time on a surface level, that’s all that your relationship will ever be…surface. So maybe he’s a fun activity partner, but not someone to build a real relationship with.

    And then: I put off this “I want more” vibe
    There is NOTHING wrong with that! The right person will want more too. As we’ve been discussing, if this man pulls away when you try to get deeper, then he’s not the man for you to deepen with.

    You talked about being in relationship where they were giving more and you felt smothered. Why do you think that you feel uncomfortable with someone giving to you? You feel like you “should embrace it”, but obviously something is holding you back.

    Of course giving can feel very good, but having a level of equality in a relationship, where both people are truly invested, really does feel the best. Do you know what is making you pull away from having a relationship like that, and what attracts you to people where you are the one more in a giver role? Does it make you feel more in control, and like they won’t leave or reject you? Why does it feel uncomfortable to relax and be taken care of?

    Looking forward to learning more!
    xoxo
    Spyce

    in reply to: Unsure what to do #33708
    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Sabaa,

    Thanks you for sharing more about the situation. It’s nice that you want to help, but if he’s unappreciative then you are not really being nice to yourself, and you’re not helping him either. What is it that you do? Do you have a good amount of disposable income to give to him?

    Even if you do, it’s not your responsibility to help this person pay his family’s bills. I’m sorry to say but he is not a nice person and he is using you. You say you care about him, but he does not care about you or he wouldn’t be treating you this way.

    I will ask you again: what are you getting out of this relationship?

    You asked: Is there anything I could say that would make him just be normal again

    What do you mean by normal? What makes you think that the way he was treating you before is his normal behaviour and not how he is being now? How long were you with him? When did you start lending him money?

    Sometimes people are just nice to get what they want and then when they have it, they become jerks and walk away. His behaviour is toxic and abusive. We need to get to the root of why you are so determined to keep connecting to him, what you think is going to change, and why.

    xoxo
    Spyce

    in reply to: Older Single trying to date again #33680
    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Rhonda,

    I just wanted to jump in to say hi and let you know that I’m rooting for you to get back home! I know sometimes people say where ever you go, there you are, and while I agree in some sense, I also truly believe that location makes a difference. Each place you go to has different opportunities, people, culture, connections, climate, etc. So things really can change depending on where you are.

    Take my own personal situation for example. I recently moved from a big house on a large lot in the midst of a very urban area. Yes my gate-surrounded-property felt safe for the most part, but it was extremely noisy with sirens, gunshots, fireworks, and screeching cars heard at every hour of the day and night. The house was a duplex that I was managing and once my sister moved out, finding compatible strangers became a full time job. My husband and I were constantly stressed and anticipating violence right outside the gate. So while we had space at an affordable price, a definite premium in California, it had started to become not worth it.

    Even though it was difficult to wrap our heads around moving as we’d been there for 6 years, we did, and it’s been amazing! Now we live in an apartment complex right on the beach. We have no yard to maintain, but can walk right out onto the sand or down to the pool area for a swim. It’s quiet at night and safe enough to go for a walk after dinner. No housemates/tenants to manage either! Our lives have immeasurably improved. Even though we are paying close to 3x what we were paying at the other place, our peace of mind is priceless.

    That being said, I know how badly you want to back on your home soil, and also that you worry about the financial piece of it all. Of course I’d never recommend doing something that doesn’t feel safe for you, I will always encourage you to take a leap of faith. If you’re not happy, go to where you know you will be happy, and have faith that the rest will fall into place. All I can is that it’s always worked for me like that, and I believe it can work like that for you too!

    As mentioned above, I’m rooting for you 🙂

    xoxo
    Spyce

    in reply to: Unsure what to do #33679
    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Sabaa,

    Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear that this person is treating you so unfairly and poorly. It definitely sounds like a bad situation that can feel very hurtful. That being said, I wonder why you want to pursue a relationship with someone who is treating you this way?

    If someone says, “I never want to see you again”, that’s a very mean comment. And it sounds like it’s not just a one off thing that he’s said when he is mad. He is continually saying it time and again. Is there anything that happened between you to rupture the connection that you’ve had? Is there some reason that you can think of beyond what you mentioned about him cutting everyone out of his life so that he can “focus on work”?

    Even if there is something that happened, the way that he is treating you is very cruel and immature. So I’d ask you to question yourself if you really want to be with someone who will treat you that way. Because he’s not only being mean, he’s also being mean to someone who is helping him. What does that say about him and his character? Nothing very good, I’m afraid.

    I take it that you all are young, (you mentioned that he’s 23) but that is no excuse. It is however a reminder that you have many years of potential intimate relationships ahead of you, and you need to build your boundaries and self esteem up now and not start a pattern of letting people take advantage of you, treat you poorly, and still come back for more.

    The question is: what are you getting out of this relationship?

    It’s nice that you have some memories of good times, but it’s how people treat you in the bad times that matters, not how they are when everything is peachy. Because life can get tough, and you need someone by your side who is in it not only for the thick, but for the thin as well.

    These are some things to think about, so let’s start there!

    xoxo
    Spyce

    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Corrine,

    Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I so understand how shocking it can feel when something is going well and then it seems like it suddenly changes, but I can tell you that we see it happen all the time and it’s actually a very common pattern in relationships. Let’s break things down a bit.

    First off, it’s admirable that you want to ensure that you are working on yourself and taking responsibility for what’s yours in this situation. From what I can tell, you are ready for a healthy relationship. The thing to determine now is whether or not he is, and if you can “course correct” his behaviour. Definitely more of a challenge…

    The thing that concerns me though is that it appears that you may have a pattern of taking too much responsibility in a relationship, thereby relieving the other person of theirs.

    You are making excuses for his behaviour; he shut down majorly, and (rightfully so) and putting your own needs on the back burner; I myself have been going through some difficult times .

    You are “trying to be supportive”, but support is a two way street in partnership. That’s why it’s called partnership. If only one person is doing all of the heavy lifting, there is no partner in the situation, it’s just one person being the caretaker, and unless that’s a job you’re being paid for, I don’t recommend it!

    So here’s the thing: we like to say around here that it’s not about how someone treats you when they are at their best (and in the first 3-6 months of the honeymoon phase all bets are off), it’s how they treat you when they are at their worst that’s really an indication of who they truly are and how ready they are for partnership.

    This person doesn’t sound very capable of being in anything with a level of reciprocal support, and if that’s the case, is this something that you actually want to pursue?

    I’d also like to know more about this comment: I have been deliberately single for several years, as I don’t just give my heart to anyone. But this one I felt was different and felt right.

    How did it feel different? How did it feel right? There might be something there that you are getting from him that’s not the reality, so looking deeper will help.

    Look forward to learning more!
    xoxo
    Spyce

    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Megan,

    To be honest, it sounds like having people who you like up on a pedestal is a regular part of your MO. But it makes sense as it goes along with the pattern of falling quickly for someone. As we discussed, that pattern is based on an unrealistic idea of people based on the fantasy of who you want them to be, instead of the reality of who they are. So it follows suit that you would continue to hold someone in an potentially exaggerated light as that’s who you want them to be.

    It also sounds like you do not have the highest self esteem and are possibly connecting with people that you feel like are out of your league. So you are afraid of them rejecting you, and you are trying to do everything possible so they won’t. No one likes rejection, of course. But have you ever thought that maybe someone isn’t enough for you? While it sounds like there are some good things about this guy, there are also some red flags, such as his reactions to the app, and his assertion that you could still sleep together but not be working on a relationship. None of that is fair to you and it sounds like you are recognizing that.

    So what can you do to have him recognize that? Well first off, communication is huge. What is stopping you from you just talking with him and telling him what you think? If you want to be with him in a real partnership, you need to be able to communicate without fear of him pulling out of the connection. If he does that, he is not worth trying to be with.

    Also his judgement IS a fault of his. He needs to understand that his actions and reactions are not fair, as you said, to anyone. So I’d start there. However he reacts is a big indicator as to whether or not you want to move forward into a deeper connection with this man.

    Let me know how it goes!

    xoxo
    Spyce

    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Megan,

    Thanks for sharing more about your situation. I applaud you for recognizing the pattern of jumping in too quickly with people, and for trying to do something to change it. I do have to say though that I think you are still doing it with this person too. It sounds like you are putting a lot of weight into your relationship with him without really having known him that long.

    You say that one of the reasons that you like him is that I can be myself around him, he understands most of my quirks and accepts them .
    That’s great but from an outside perspective it just doesn’t sound like that’s really the case. He got very upset that you had not deleted yourself from the dating app, and it seems that he misunderstands some things about you. I’m not saying this to diminish your relationship, but simply to shed some light onto it. In actuality, I’m hoping that this realization can help you to take him down off the pedestal and think about how you can get to know him for real before going off on the idea that he’s the “love of your life” who you can’t live without. That will not help in your desire to pull him in closer.

    If you want him to trust you, being realistic about the fact that you don’t really know each other and that the process takes time, may help him feel more comfortable. Reminding him that he still needs to get to know you may help him to be more open to recognizing that he doesn’t know you that well, and maybe some of the things that he’s thought about you (aka you’re a liar, etc) are just his own triggers instead of who you really are.

    Thoughts?

    xoxo
    Spyce

    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Megan,

    Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I know how tempting it can be to fall deeply into a connection with someone right away, and when that happens it feels magical, but I want to talk with you a bit about the pitfalls of that before we get into addressing this specific situation.

    You may already know this, but when you meet someone and “immediately connect”, your connection is not based on the reality of that person as you don’t know them. It’s based instead on the fantasy that you have around that person, who you think they could be to you, who they might become, how you see your life together. And that tends to be based on whatever it is that you’ve been dreaming about and hoping for, not even necessarily what you are ready or available for. That being said, I always advise people to look at that not only within themselves, but also in the potential person they are connecting with. Am I, and are they, ready and available to have the kind of connection that I am hoping for?

    I am saying this because it sounds like clicking pretty early on is a pattern for you, and that means that you may jump into having deep feelings before you really know the person. When you met Jordan, you were right on the heels of getting over the pain of another deep connection. Do you see how this is a potentially unhealthy pattern?

    From what you’re saying about your situation with Jordan, it doesn’t sound like to me like you did anything wrong. It’s not abnormal for someone to continue to date until they decide to be exclusive with someone. It sounds like Jordan has some previous triggers from potentially being cheated on or whatever, but whatever it is, he has a high level of mistrust that smacks of insecurity that he needs to work on if he’s going to be in a healthy and sustainable relationship. To say “I don’t trust you enough to be in a relationship with you but I still want to sleep with you” is pretty messed up. I understand why you went for it, but it’s a crappy way for him to communicate.

    Which brings me to my next set of questions: What do you like about this guy? Why do you want to be with him? What made you have that “instant click”?

    Looking at that is a better course of action than trying to salvage something that may or may not be worth working on.

    Thoughts?
    xoxo
    Spyce

    in reply to: Guy pulling away #33633
    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Dom,

    Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story! I totally get how tempting it can be to keep messaging someone, especially if you are a person like me, who believes that communication and connection is a gift. Unfortunately not everyone feels like that and they can see communication as an affront or a challenge. When they don’t have time and are feeling overwhelmed by life in general, having to respond to someone can feel like an awful chore.

    There is nothing wrong with you or what you’re doing, it just means that you and this guy are not compatible in your communication styles, or where you are in life. Those aspects are two very big components of creating a successful relationship. So it doesn’t sound like this one will work out.

    At this point he’s blocked you, so he clearly does not want to connect. If you find any means with which to contact him after he’s made it very clear that he’s not available or interested, how do you think that makes you look? If the shoe was on the other foot, and you had blocked someone and then they messaged you from a different app, would you think that was cool and reconnect with them? Or would you be upset that they were not respecting your boundaries? What he is saying feels very loud and clear to me.

    So rather than beat a dead horse, how about if we discuss your dating life so far, and how we can set you up for success while you’re going out and meeting new people? Let’s come up with a plan so you can create a connection with the next one that will help you create a connection that can turn into something real.

    How does that sound?
    xoxo
    Spyce

    in reply to: Long distance relationship? Help Please #33628
    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Danielle,

    Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It’s always nice to reconnect with someone that you loved after many years of not being together. It can be a heady thing, and it’s not always as realistic a scenario as we may think.

    If he is working a lot and possibly stressed about the idea of a big move, he may be as attentive to you right now. I wouldn’t see that necessarily as a sign of anything wrong. However, I do think that there are some inherent red flags in what’s happening and he might be feeling them as well.

    It’s certainly a big step to move yourself and your kids to another state to be with someone who you haven’t been with for many years. How many times have you been together in person in the recent past?

    Also if he’s recently out of a bad relationship (with the mother of his children?) he may not be thinking straight and is looking for someone to make him feel better. That’s not really the foundation of a healthy relationship.

    You mention that he “saved my life” and I was wondering if you could elaborate on that?

    Looking forward to hearing more!
    xoxo
    Spyce

    in reply to: Not sure what to do anymore #33622
    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Jada,

    Good to hear from you! So nice that you had some vacation time. It’s so important as humans for us to get back to basics and remember what’s important to us. Self love/care and self discovery are big ones. Once we know the self and are treating ourselves well, it’s only natural that the things that we want will come to us.

    When I used to have a coaching program that I ran, I focused on strong and independent women who were successful in every aspect of their love, except when it came to love. They could hold healthy boundaries professionally, and often even with friends, but when it came to romantic relationships, they were willing to go down with every ship just to have the loving connection. Can you relate?

    With this group of women, we always focused on setting healthy boundaries and having impeccable self care practices. And how having healthy boundaries is really what’s at the core of impeccable self care. Because so often we say, “oh I’m strong, I’m capable, I can handle this better than the next person” so we put ourselves on the back burner and do for others, thinking that later on we will take care of ourselves. We are caretakers, and even if we are kick ass and strong, we are still allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of, even if it’s by our own minds! Oftentimes women who have it all together are caring for people without even being asked, because it’s just so ingrained in us. We feel almost guilty that we have our lives together more than other people, so we need to “give back” and that can involve helping people who really should be helping themselves.

    Once you mix that feeling with romance and attraction, it goes even more haywire. Can you relate?

    I would love to hear more about what you’re doing for self care, and if you have any thoughts on what I’ve shared.

    xoxo
    Spyce

    in reply to: Age difference #33621
    Coach Spyce
    Moderator

    Hi Marianne,

    First off, I want to say how sorry I am for your losses and how much I understand the difficulties of the fertility journey as I am also on it. It’s really difficult to go through on your own. Even friends can’t help that much, especially if they’ve never been through it. And even those of us who have been or are going through it ourselves, still can only support each other so much because it’s really hard. But having others who understand from their own experience is helpful. Are you a part of any support groups? I am in quite a few groups on Facebook and that does make it easier.

    It does make you feel like a different person, and it’s hard to explain to a new partner what you’re going through. I can absolutely understand feeling very bonded to this man and like he’s an integral part of your life, and an invaluable support. I do however think that any good man who is worthy of your love would be supportive, and if he’s not, he’s not the one for you. I know it feels like this man is the only one out there who can be that for you, but I do believe that’s not the case.

    I know that your question now is how to keep him in your life as a friend. There is the challenge of having feelings for him, and him having feelings for you but him wanting to “do the right thing” and not lead you on if he knows that he can’t be there for you in every way. Are you ok with just having the friendship, even if it never leads to anything more? Even if he’s dating other people?

    It seems like the only way to have that work out is to really be ok with that. If you are just pining for him endlessly that will be very painful. So you have to decide. Can you be ok with him just being a friend? If you can, then just let him know, and be a friend. You never know what will happen in the future, and as long as you’re connected, things may turn around. Change is always on the horizon, whether we like it or not.

    Thoughts?
    xoxo
    Spyce

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 626 total)