[Coach Spyce]

Hi Louise,

You’re saying that you would do all of the work in the relationships before. How did this one feel differently? What was he doing that was different than past experiences? What were you doing differently?

What is it exactly that makes you feel like he is the “right one”?

It’s good that you feel like you have healed, but what exactly did you need to heal from? Was that something that he told you about that he didn’t want to be with you because you weren’t healed from something?

You said: He had been in a couple of relationships before me but they weren’t positive ones

What about you? What have your previous relationships been like, besides you feeling like you did all of the work? Has there been one that’s been more fullfilling?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

No need for any apologies! With enough communication we will figure it all out. That tends to be the case with most anything. That being said, how do you feel like your communication was with him?

You mentioned that he’s the one that said he wanted no contact, is that correct? So how was the communication before that time?
And he was the one who said that he was no longer attracted, or was it you as well? If it was you too, then that’s what is confusing because if you agree that there’s no attraction, then why would you want to keep trying to be with him, unless you had some toxic pull to him…

You’re saying that we didn’t know how to move forward in our relationship…tell me about your other relationships. How have they been? Have you been in many other relationships? Has he? How old are the two of you?

Another thing to mention is that when you jump into things and commit very quickly, you are not really getting to know the truth of the person. You are just getting to know an idea of them, often a fantasy of who you want them to be. You see that they have a & b that you like, so you assume that they have the entire alphabet that you need to make a healthy and sustainable relationsip but that may not be true. In fact, it rarely is.

Usually the first 6 months are the honeymoon period, and you didn’t make it past month three, so it just might mean that you’re not compatible.

You started out this messaging with us saying that you were in a no contact but you felt ready to reach out and were wondering how. But now if he had asked you for a no contact period, and has not reached out to you, what makes you think that he is now feeling differently and wants to connect with you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Louise,

Thanks for reaching out and sharing what you’re going through! I am the other coach on this forum and I’ve read up on your situation and figured I’d chime in here. I, like Heidi though, am a little bit confused as well.

Mostly because I’m not sure what this whole “no contact” thing is all about in your particular situation. That’s usually a contact that you use when you are in a toxic relationship that needs to end, but you keep going back to each other despite the fact that you know that it’s bad for you. So you establish a certain period of “no contact” to try and wean yourself off the addiction and rid yourself of the relationship that you know that you shouldn’t be in. Was this a toxic relationship?

I understand that you both acknowledged that it was going too fast and while there was a connection there, the pace at which you were connecting was not healthy. Is that right?

My question is that if you guys had something that was truly a good connection, why couldn’t you just slow things down and connect at a pace that worked for both of you? Why did you have to not have any contact at all? If the relationship was so toxic that you had to make sure that you didn’t contact him for 30 days, then you should not be trying to get back together. Make sense?

You also said that you both lost attraction after 4 months. If that’s the case, why are you even still thinking about this person? It sounds like someone that you tried to date and realized it wouldn’t work, and broke up. Is there some other intense piece to this all that we are missing?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Crystal,

Thanks for the update! It’s smart of you to look into getting deeper help with your relationship. Something that many people don’t know as we don’t advertise but only offer occasionally if someone asks, is that we coaches here can offer private coaching as well. Just so you know! But it sounds like you are in good hands. I hope you will keep me in the loop though with how things go.

You are clearly a gem and deserve so much happiness!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Crystal,

Thanks for the update! It’s smart of you to look into getting deeper help with your relationship. Something that many people don’t know as we don’t advertise but only offer occasionally if someone asks, is that we coaches here can offer private coaching as well. Just so you know! But it sounds like you are in good hands. I hope you will keep me in the loop though with how things go.

You are clearly a gem and deserve so much happiness!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shaye,

I totally understand. Sometimes it can be easier to say the things that you want to say when you have the ability to write them down and really think them through. It also can help if you are someone who may get nervous or shy when around the person and not be able to fully say the things that you want to say. The issue with text though is that it does inhibit a certain level of closeness, and if he was upset, it would be difficult for you to fully know.

It does sound like he is a person who does not want to be alone, and I’m sure he misses having you in his life. So it could be that finding someone new is just that, a way to have someone to distract himself and pass the time with.

Do you think maybe there’s a way that you can get back in touch? After all you were friends for so long. It’s a shame to lose that connection. Have you tried saying something like that?

You and I were friends before anything and I miss my friend. Let’s go back to being what we were and take it from there.

Something along those lines. What do you think about that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jacqueline,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sending in your question! An age gap is really dependant on how much it is and also can be influenced by the place in life where each of you are. At 42 you are a grown woman, so dating a man 20 years your senior is not the same as if the 2 of you were 20 years younger. Of course there are things to keep in mind like he may have less time on this earth than you do, but also you never know in life what will happen so to live in fear of what might happen when is foolish. Every day is precious and you just need to live it fully and enjoy it.

A couple of questions…do either of you have children? If so, how do they play into the connection?

How long have you been talking? Have you met in person? What makes you each feel like the other is your soulmate?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Crystal,

Thank you for the update! It’s now been a couple of days since you sent this so perhaps things have changed in the meantime, but either way, I have to say that I’m disappointed to get your news as the letter you wrote was so beautiful and thoughtfully crafted. It is a real shame that he is not responding in kind as he is now heavily at risk of losing a very high quality woman. But I hope you know that this is in no way indicative of who you are or your worth, but rather of his inabilities to open up and be emotional and transparent. His loss for sure.

While I do appreciate your desires to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust that he is trying to get the project off the ground and also trying to work out his feelings before we have a talk , I think at this point you have given him a good amount of leeway that a mature man would appreciate and would understand that it’s now up to him to be a man and make an effort. It’s unfortunate that he’s not doing that.

So as you said, you’re left the option of walking away. I appreciate that as a good option, and also very much respect the compassion and care that you are affording him in this situation.

Since he is unwilling to talk, you may have to default to the letter again. You could say something like: I had hoped that my transparent letter would alert you to the fact of how deeply this is affecting me, and you’d recognize that a conversation was not only an ask, but also a need on my part. Your lack of desire to connect with me leaves me no choice but to do what is best for me in this situation, which is to call it quits and move on. This was not what I wanted, but I need to be with a man who is willing to take my feelings into consideration, and be open and transparent with me about his. I’ve loved all of the time that we’ve spent together, but this state of limbo is too painful/uncomfortable, and for my own self preservation and respect, I need to close the door on the romantic connection that we had”.

Of course you can elaborate from there however you see fit, these were just some ideas that I had. Please keep me posted on how things go. I am sending you much strength and warm wishes, and please know that I am here, in your corner and by your side.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Crystal,

Just wanted to check in and see how things are going. Did you send him the letter? What’s been happening?

I am really hoping that you got a good response!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Louise,

Thanks for reaching out! We need more context than that in order to help you figure out your next steps.

How long were you together? How long have you been apart? What were the circumstances of the breakup?

That’s for starters!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stef,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this painful situation. Hearing these words from someone that you feel love for and have committed yourself in partnership too is so hurtful. I understand that you feel like oyu want to figure out the exact right thing to make him see things differently and to change the situation.

But my first question is this, what would you be changing the situation back to? You’ve been together for 1.5 years but it sounds like he’s been feeling this way for the majority of your relationship.

I get a very strong feeling that there is A LOT that he is not telling you. Nothing adds up here. He loves you deeply but is extremely unhappy being with you. He is not attracted, annoyed, and doesn’t want to be with you but he is heartbroken about not being with you. Do you see how this doesn’t make sense?

He has a boat load of trauma and obviously has a hard time being clear about his feelings. A healthy person would just say, “I’m sorry but I don’t want to be with you” for whatever reasons there were. I’m not into you, I’m not attracted to you, I don’t want to be in a relationship, I’m not ready, etc, etc. And then they would let the chips fall where they may.

To be honest, I’m confused. If he’s been telling you this for a year now, why are you still holding on? Does he flip flop back and forth? How do you react when he tells you these things?

He is not being honest with you and you are not being honest with yourself. You said: We were each other’s dream partner. We have so much in common and were so madly in love the first couple months.

How are you each other’s dream partner? What is it that you have in common? Being madly in love the first couple months is common for people who don’t really know each other. And then you get to know someone and you may realize that this person is not who you thought they were, and not who you want to be with.

It’s just a good situation for you to be so hell bent on being with someone who is telling you no over and over again. I have not heard him saying yes to anything. Do you really think this is someone that you should pursue? If so, why?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shaye,

So what I’m getting from this situation is that it’s a classic case of…”if they wanted to, they would”. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this guy just sounds like he doesn’t really see you as a girlfriend material. None of his actions are showing that he is interested in pursuing anything more than a friendship with you. I know you feel like you did something wrong in breaking it off with him, but to me it sounds like that was a healthy thing that you did. And I think you were right. He was not going to love you in the way that you wanted to be loved. He wasn’t giving you the love and attention that you deserved.

You let him know that you were into him, and that you wanted to be with him. You waited around for him, for years, to make up his mind. But all the while you were making him a priority while you let yourself be an option.

I understand that it’s attractive to you that he is so into his kids. That’s a great thing. But you need to be with someone who is really into you as well.

Also, have you really sat down and talking with him about any of this? You said that you broke up with him via text, which is a very impersonal way of doing something like that. He may not have any idea what your feelings really are, if all you are doing is nonchalantly texting him all of these things. Text is never a good way to have an emotional conversation.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jessi,

Thanks for the update and letting me know more about your life! It sounds like you are easily able to move through situations, picking up what works for you, and letting go of what doesn’t. That’s a great skill to have! However, it also sounds like you do get attached, and I am still concerned for you with your deep desire to be helpful, even to your own detriment.

Which when it comes to Guy 2, seems like that really is the case. You say there is a “spark” there, that there isn’t with Guy 1. What is that spark exactly? Is it based on the fact that he needs you, and you like to be needed? Is it based on the fact that his life ins a mess and he’s a project, someone that you can help? It sounds like there are many red flags in that situation, beyond you not sharing a religious outlook. But yet, you want to follow the spark.

Here’s the thing about attraction…sometimes we are attracted to what’s bad for us because it feeds us in another negative way. It feeds our trauma in an unhealthy way which feels comfortable and familiar, but really is not doing us any good in the long run. I used to teach classes on attraction, and it’s really important to look at what is underneath the attraction. Sure it can be based on looks, but it typically goes deeper than that. It can be based on a fantasy, an idea of who we think the person is, or can be in our lives. It can be trauma bonding. It’s important to determine what it is that we want to feel, or need to feel, in order to be complete in a relationship, and then be able to recognize the kind of person who can give that to us.

Thank you for sharing more about your relationship with your ex-husband. I actually know quite a lot about astrology and 2 Leos can be a tough match, depending on how the rest of your chart looks. One of the things about Leos is that they crave attention and want to be needed, but also they can be very loving and giving. It really depends too on how emotionally mature one is and what kind of personal development work you’ve done. I have Mars in Leo and sure I like to shine, but I also really love encouraging people to share the spotlight, or even step right in front of it when they’ve shied away before.

I’m sorry to hear that your husband has given up on your children. That’s really tough. How old are they now? Are they old enough to ask for a relationship with him? Do they? Does any of this play into your dating life? Do you feel like you want to find someone who can be a fatherly presence to your kids?

It sounds like he has not really done the work to look at himself and take responsibility for his role in the demise of your marriage or his responsibilities or interest as a parent. Maybe he is carrying a lot of resentment from his father’s death as you said, but to take that out on your own children is something that he will absolutely regret at some point, if he doesn’t already.

What kind of healing, if any, do you feel like you still need to do from this relationship? How are you dealing with him now?

It sounds like now in your dating life you are putting yourself out there and have the ability to meet many people. That’s a great thing, but it’s important to have this sense of yourself like I’m talking about. #3 I dont have much info to go on so not much to say. #4 sounds like another perfect project for you. To me, this is a pattern that you need to change if you ever are going to have a healthy relationship. Finding a man that doesn’t need you, but simply wants you, is what you have to start thinking about striving for…

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jessi,

Thanks for letting me know more about you and how you operate in the world. I understand what you are saying, and it sounds like you believe that you are doing something selfless and kind by helping out the less fortunate. As well and good as that may be, there are ways to do so that are not at your expense. I know you said that it makes you feel good when you can help, and I understand that desire. But you have to really look at if the help is really that or if it’s bringing harm with it as well.

Here’s the thing, getting involved in a romantic partnership with someone who does not have the bandwidth to be a partner is not really a healthy dynamic to perpetuate…for anyone. Even if you think that you’re “helping” them out, why a man want to be in a relationship with someone who is helping them? When a man is in that situation, it will never inspire him to step up to be a strong provider. Your Guy #2 sounds like he desperately NEEDS to be a strong provider, and he is not doing so, causing strife in his family. You are not helping him, you are enabling him, which in the end, is only really keeping him further down and not growing.

If you want projects, volunteer at a shelter or help people who are dying. Help animals, help children, help other women. But don’t help men by getting involved romantically with them. It’s not helpful, and it’s not healthy. For you or for them.

I also wonder if there might be other reasons why you are “attracted to needy people” as it’s common for people like you who are “helpers” to want to be close with people who need them because those people are much less likely to leave and reject you. They don’t make you work for it, and you feel like they are beneath you in some way. It sounds like maybe you haven’t had the exact relationships that you’ve wanted, so it’s easier to just want people who are showing how much they want you. People who are needy and broken can be much more vocal about those needs and that will make you feel special, and desired. But that’s really not love. And those people WILL leave too, once they are up and running in their lives. So it’s not a good plan to bank on those people. I’m sure you’ll say that’s not the reason, but I would bet that if you look deeply and honestly at yourself, there might be more truth to this than you want to admit.

All this to say, there’s nothing wrong with you for being this way and I’m sure you’re a lovely person. You sound very strong and powerful. Would you relate to those words being used to describe you? What I’m saying though, is that how you’re conducting your life is not going to get you to that healthy relationship. You have to be willing to be vulnerable, and allow yourself to express your own desires beyond, “I just want to help other people”. What about you? What about what you really want?

I am not saying that you need to make any changes with Guy #1 as you’ve said that you’re fine with his friendship if nothing else, and if that’s the case, then ok. But I would just hate to see you making someone Plan A who is keeping you on tap as their Plan B. You deserve better than that. So be friends with him, have a nice time, but don’t put your eggs in his basket and leave yourself open for other opportunities.

Tell me more about your marriage. I’m sorry to hear that your husband was verbally abusive and made you feel bad about medical issues and things beyond your control. Men like to have so many opinions about women’s bodies, when it’s really none of their business. Especially when you’ve birthed his children. How did things actually end with the two of you?

I think you have a lot to offer but I also feel a sense of loneliness from you and a desire to be adored and cherished. Wanted, not just needed. I feel like you are yearning for a true partnership, to be fully met and seen. I believe you can have that, but I do think that this story you have about your “attraction to needy people” might be holding you back.

I’m curious what your therapist has to say about it?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shaye,

I can understand how as a parent, finding someone else who is also a devoted family man is very attractive. It sounds like you had an easy connection that worked really well for a long time. The only thing that really sounds suspect to me is how easily he seems to jump from relationship to relationship. I understand that with you he had been your friend for a long time so it didn’t seem sudden, but now that he’s already with someone else, that seems a bit strange. It sounds like he also doesn’t want to be alone and so will just be with someone rather than deal with his own emotions. That’s what worries me in the situation with you as well. he sounds very passive and like he just lets life do what it wants with him. He doesnt make a lot of his own decisions.

You started messaging by saying that you broke up with him, so once again, even if he wasn’t happy, would he have said anything? That can be dangerous because a person like that might one day explode, or implode. Either way, not healthy.

When you did break up, how did he react? What was his response? Did you still continue on as friends? Did you take a break? How did you get back in touch with each other again recently? Do you know the new person he’s dating?

xoxo
Spyce

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