[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I’m sorry that you’re feeling so down. I know how it can feel like one long string of disappointing people and events and like none of that has ever been different and never will change. It’s difficult to get away from that feeling for sure. This time of year is always a killer too, after the holidays and then the colder months.

But I also was curious because it sounded like there have been some bright spots recently. Just last week you said: I was at the cafe in town and also went to the little grocery, and everywhere I went people were cool to me.
It sounded like you were feeling optimistic about changing your frequency maybe based on some positive health changes around food? How has that been going? You are right in saying that diet affects our bodies AND our minds, and so has that been a struggle this past week?

I know it can feel like things just keep going back to bad, even when there are little bright spots, and I would never negate that. But there might be some lighter spots in there too…It definitely sounds like you’re feeling depressed and not doing the things that bring you joy; like being out in nature, reading books. Even though it’s difficult, you may want to try and push yourself to just go outside and sit out under the sun. That feeds the positive vibes too!

You said that you didn’t understand what I meant about saying yes to nice people approaching me as no one does that, but you had spoken of a couple inviting you to eat with them, a person at the cafe tring to catch your eye, and other people here and there who say, “let’s do this or that”. I know that you feel like most of those people never follow through on that, but in reality, that’s just people, no matter who you are. Many people struggle to have friendships, especially when moving to a new place after their mid 30s. If you don’t have kids or a job to ensure that you have to see others, it can be extremely difficult to make actual connections. But it’s because people are stuck in their little worlds, and it’s difficult for them to get out of them.

But for you it’s very triggering when someone doesn’t follow through because you take it as a sign that they despise you and are going to be the same kind of a-hole that everyone else has been to you, and exclude you because you have a black mark on you that’s obvious. But in reality, to the avrage person it’s not obvious, and the only reason that they don’t follow through is because like many humans, they may have the best of intentions but they get busy, they are overwhelmed, they are a million things that have nothing to do with you. But because of your past, you take it personally.

To be honest, you have done a very brave thing that 90% of people would never do. You moved yourself out into the middle of nowhere with no connections, and are trying to build community. That’s hard under the best of circumstances and you are certainly NOT under those! So be proud of yourself, lady! You have done something that takes a lot of courage and guts. I know it’s hard but from the sound of what you’re up to, it’s pretty bad-ass!

I’m wondering how you feel about connecting with online communities and I wonder what you have going on in those realms. I know it’s not a solution for in person friendships, but perhaps it can help with keeping these bouts of loneliness at bay? I don’t mean Okcupid per se (that’s mostly people looking for hookups but I’m also happy to help you with your profile if you want any feedback) but more like people who have the same interests and hobbies. Didn’t you say that you had a podcast, or were developing one? I had a podcast for many years and it was a great way to meet and interview cool people on the topics I was speaking on.

I know you’re also a bit far out there, but how far are you from the nearest city? Maybe you could make some trips in to someplace with more culture to at least get your blood pumping again?

I hate to see you so down because I do feel like in general you’re able to stay optimistic and I really hope that we can keep you that way. Everything I’ve learned about you leads me to believe you’re an intelligent, attractive, caring, and fun person to be around. I’m sure that is true and I don’t want to see you going down a path of negativity about yourself as a person because of how crappy other people are. I know it’s been a hard road, but it’s not over yet, and I believe you have some good work to do here in this world. I’m here to help you figure out what can help, and then how to bring that into your life. Hope we can get on the right track here soon!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laura,

I wanted to chime in here as I greatly understand grief and loss as I have unfortunately have had quite a lot if it myself personally, and so I understand deeply how when you’re dealing with the idea of losing someone (to sickness and eventual early death), our minds can make all kinds of excuses.

That being said, I want you to know that it’s OK for you to want to be connected with him. It’s ok for you to want to bond with him, to even want to remarry him. Is it co-dependant and maybe not the “strongest” thing that you could do? Sure! But that doens’t mean that it’s not the shot that you want to take.

There’s nothing worse than regret once someone is gone from this planet, and maybe I just speak from a place of my experience with deep loss, but I know the human experience as well, and that I’m not the only person who has felt this. So in my belief we do everything that we can while someone is still here to have our peace and closure.

Now that’s not to say that you should allow yourself to be abused or taken advantage of. Having healthy boundaries is very important and you get to decide what makes you feel good in this situation. What I’m saying is really just that. Do what makes you feel good, even if that’s being close to a man who is obviously going off the deep end. But like Heidi said, he’s basically like a child right now, not in his right mind. So even if you’re used to him being the strong one, the provider, the one who wears the pants, you have to recognize that you’re in a new place with him, and he’s a new place with himself. So don’t look to him to make these decisions and just go along with him. You have to be the one to set the tone. YOU are in charge now.

So spend time with him in a way that works for you. Set boundaries as to how you want to connect with him. And if it does become too hard, you can always choose to disengage. But disengaging prematurely can backfire, and cause much just as much hurt and regret as engaging will. And it can be worse, because you are the one making that choice.

That’s just my two cents, take it for what you will. Heidi had some great advice here as well and nothing I’m saying goes against any of that, I just want to remind you to give yourself some grace and allow yourself to stay connected if that’s what your heart really wants.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Lisa!

Just reaching back out to see if you wanted to chat about your situation. It sounds like you’re in a tough place and we are here to help you navigate through these difficult feelings and sticky situations.

Please do reach out and let us know more about what you’re going through so we can support you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mary,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out to share your story! My apologies for the delay in response, it seems that your message got lost in our system. But I am here now and ready to help you work through what you’re dealing so hopefully we can have the best possible outcome for you!

I’m sorry to hear that you were engaged in another program and it didn’t work for you. From the sound of it, I would also not agree with the tactics that you’re mentioning. I do think it’s important to speak about what you may have done in a relationship to contribute to it’s demise, and taking responsibility shows maturity and compassion. So I’m not sure why they wouldn’t recommend that. Hopefully our way of doing things here will better resonate with you!

So first off, please fill me in on a little more of the backstory with you and Caleb. You said that he broke up with you about 2 months ago. Before that, how long had you been dating? What was it that led to the split? Was it something sudden or gradual? Did anything in particular happen? How had your relationship been in general? How had your communication beem throughout your relationship?

I’m curious about this statement: I know we’re on the path of getting back together
I’m curious because nothing in what you’ve said indicates that, so I’m wondering what is making you feel that way, and what evidence do you have to support that. Not that I think it can’t be true, I just need to understand more about your situation.

Look forward to learning more and seeing how we can help!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Yes, I totally feel you. Sometimes it is the energy that we are putting out into the world that gets reflected back to us. even if we are just in a bad mood, it can affect even just the basic interactions that we have with people. You also mentioned that you happened to be in the places where friendlier people were too if that makes sense and you know, it does make sense! It’s like how you said about Greg, If he was a business professional he would have asked the woman who cornered me in his bathroom to lay off other patrons and that would have been the extent of it

But what he’s doing, and the other “baddies” are not only not professional, they are not sane, right, nice, or healthy. It sounds like when you went out the other day you were just connecting with regular people, and not trying to get in with the town scenesters, or partiers. And honestly, I think it has something to do with that as well. I;m not judging or saying there’s anything wrong with you having some drinks at the bar, definitely not. But alcohol and other party favors do impair the senses, and so when you’re meeting people in those environments, they may not be the most together, collected, or rational people. You might be seeing the worst of them. And as we know, people who are born and bred in a small town that they never leave, or even come back to, often act like they are above the law, so to speak. They’ve never had to deal with the reality of a place that doesn’t know them inside and out and won’t put with their shit. So they get away with things that someone out in the world would never even think of doing. It’s BS, but I think for your mental health you really just have to try and stay away from those people, and constantly remind yourself how far beneath you they really are.

I think the more you do just that, the happier you will be and the more you will attract the happy and healthy people who actually have something to bring to a relationship with you.

I’m sorry to hear that you grew up feeling ugly and unimportant. I wonder what it might take for you to stop feeling that way. I take it that at this point you know that you’re not ugly, and in terms of importance, we all matter. Everyone who is on this planet has some value, especially people who are doing nothing to hurt others such as yourself. I’m also really sorry hat you suffered that abuse as a child, especially from a parent. To not be believed and have them held accountable is so damaging and it makes me angry to know that you never had any recourse. I assume that you have done some work in this area. Anything else that you want to share, I am here for you and for that.

But definitely, I’d like for us to figure out what you can do to deepen your self esteem so that you can not only believe that you are loveable, but you can also feel it when it’s coming your way. And you can move the needle of your attraction point so that you are not attracting the losers and abusers. In my experience, much of that has to do with setting boundaries and sticking to them. Often times they are our own boundaries within ourselves. So instead of saying, “well I’ll hang out with this guy because he’s showing me attention but I really don’t like how he’s showing up in the world but better to hang out with him than to be alone”, you do go home alone. Which of course sounds lonely but in the end is better than giving time to someone where you’re going to feel worse off when the time spent is over. I think you’re actually pretty good at this one as you’ve decided against quite a few people recently and I’m proud of you for that!

Or doing things that maybe you wouldn’t normally do. Like when a really nice person comes along and wants to pay you attention, instead of assuming that they couldn’t possibly want to spend time with you, believe that they would. Because you are lovely, intelligent, and a delight to be around.

The first step is believing this within yourself. Besides all of the toxic conditioning from childhood, is there any other reason why you would feel like this wasn’t true?

xoxo
Soycep

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

Happy New Year! It’s nice to hear from you. I was wondering how you were doing and what is new in your world. Congrats on losing 35 lbs, that is so amazing! I’m sure that took a lof of work and was no small feat. I too have some weight to lose and I know it’s harder and harder the older we become. I hope that you are feeling proud of your accomplishments and good about yourself for everything that you’re doing to enjoy life and be happy. It sounds like you are and for that I am very glad!

Him mentioning that he hasn’t forgotten about the gum is actually not something that I would read very much into. Men are simple, and say things all the time to cover their tracks. To me it sounds more like that, like maybe a way to relieve guilt around the fact that it’s been two years and he hasn’t come through for you with something that he said. Or maybe he’s trying to remind that in two years, he still hasn’t changed his stance on being anything more than an occasional friend.

I’m feeling curious about what exactly it is that you like about Patrick, and why it is that you feel like he is someone worth waiting around for? I didn’t realize that it’s been two years since your husband died and while two years is not very long in the scheme of things especially after being married for so long, it is a significant amount of time to know someone and be waiting for them to “want you and learn what to do”. Again, I am concerned that you are waiting for someone who may not ever come around to where you want them to be. Not because of anything to do with you, but because of who they are. You could lose even more weight and look exactly like you think he wants you to, and that doesn’t mean that he is going to be able to be this person who doesn’t have walls and is open to a deep connection. He has a lifetime of avoiding intimacy under his belt and people don’t change unless they really really want to. And then even when they really do, there’s never any guarantee that they actually can.

I get that you are a wonderful woman and I don’t doubt that anyone would be lucky to have you. I also am sure that Patrick greatly enjoys your company and is happy when you give him your time and attention. But I just am concerned that not only is he broken when it comes to relationships, but more importantly that he’s not at all interested in trying to heal or fix anything. He’d rather say that you’re “not his type” than to do the work to actually enjoy having love in his life. And I’m concerned that you are letting time pass you while waiting on a bus that isn’t even in service.

You said that you’ve “read items from be irresistible and I can see that he is trying to improve but it’s a slow process.” Can you elaborate on that? What do you see that he is doing? And how do you know that it’s him trying to improve anything so that he can be more ready for a relationship? Or a better partner?

I want more than anything for you to have what you want as you deserve love, companionship, and happiness. I just want to be sure that there’s a good chance that what you’re waiting for will actually come to you sooner than later.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Yeah the holidays in general are always tough, and seem to be that way for lots of people, whether you have family or not. And New year’s Eve is almost like a culmination of it all. I used to feel like if I wasn’t invited to the most epic party on NYE then it was an indication of how good of a person I was and how well I was liked. When in reality, I think most people are focused on going on out NYE and are not trying to have these deep and intimate times with people anyway. But yes, it does feel like a bummer when no plans are extended to you. But I’m glad that you had a place to go to anyway, even if you didn’t have anyone in particular to go with. How was it?

It burns me up for you that these low brow pieces of sh+t hold power in this community that you’re in, and no one seems to have the intelligence to make up their own minds about people and will instead listen to made up lies by people who obviously don’t know a thing about the world. I can’t believe that a business professional would not want to work with you based on a lie told by someone like that. Not that I’m doubting it, but is it at possible that there was a misunderstanding and that it could be something else?

I can understand being too shocked to respond when someone says a disparaging remark like, “I heard you were trouble” but I’d be curious to find out just what exactly is it that they heard? And why are they mindlessly believing it. But you are right that it’s so insulting and what kind of grown adult speaks that way to someone else? It’s difficult to know how to respond in that kind of scenario because it’s so unexpected. Did you have any other interaction with that person over the course of the night?

So you said that that “no good people come to stay. But again that is a reflection of my attraction point”. Can you elaborate on that? I do agree that there is a definitely a level on which you are attracted to people who seem beneath you, but that’s because your self worth is in the toilet after years of the treatment you’ve endured. So even though you’re a strong, accomplished, intelligent, attractive, highly capable and intriguing woman, you feel like you have to beg for the slightest crumb from idiots and scabs. Is this what you’re referring to?

I too would like to see you “move your point of attraction” as it is a definitive piece here that’s holding you back. I know that you’ve done a lot of self work. Mantras, meditation and the like. So what’s it going to take? I think there’s a bit of identification that might help. Like what is it that you’re drawn to? Being very honest, as you can be with an anonymous coach online, what is it that excites you about a person who then turns out to be scummy? Like what attracted you to Bill? Dustin? The man who was around when we first started talking (I can’t remember his name)? Is there any common thread that you see in this men? Or anything similar that they incite in you? I think this could be a valuable exploration if we are to make any changes in how you’re bringing these kinds of people into your sphere.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Julia,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re entangled in what sounds like a very complicated situation. Complicated not only emotionally, but also physically and financially as well. Obviously there is a lot at stake, and many things that would need to be worked out and moved around in order to make things run smoothly for both of you.

It seems like because of all that it would take to disentangle from the situation, you are both trying to come up with solutions for how to make things work, when in reality, it may not be a workable situation.

You started out by saying that you asked him to leave because the situation was toxic, which sounds like the underlying truth of everything that’s going on here. That’s the disease, and everything else on top of it are the symptoms, or the reasons why it is that way. So let’s get into that. But before that, I’m wondering more about the histroy of your relationship. You’ve been together for over three years. How did it start? How was it going? When did it get toxic?

In terms of what seems to be happening now, there’s his family being very involved and having their opinions, which he seems to seriously take into account, and while I can’t say that he shouldn’t to some degree without knowing more, it does sound like the degree that he is including them in his decision making may not be healthy.
He does not seem like a very kind or self aware person himself, and the way he is being with you is very manipulative. He knows that he has you in a bind financially, and that you need him in order to keep your home. For him to tell you that he will consider staying with you as long as you allow him to try to impregnate you so he can explain to his family why he is still with you while he dates other women is seriously beyond the pale.

You said that you’ve been controlling, and I deeply understand how anxiety can make you feel like that. I want you to treat yourself gently and kindly here, and this is a trigger/trauma response, and you a caring partner would understand that and would not begrudge you connection because of your anxiety.

What you describe as his overly masculine nature is not only also very toxic, but smacks of someone who is incredibly anxious himself and extremely emotionally immature masking it with a macho exterior. A true strong man would never behave in this way with a woman that he loves. But don’t take that as “he doesn’t love me, there’s something wrong with me”. See it for what it is. An very unhealthy relationship with someone who really has a lot of personal growth work to do in order to be a good partner to anyone.

This man should not be dating anyone, not even you. His behaviour is very troubling, and you need support to see how you are being manipulated in this situation, and to have the strength and courage to determine the next steps needed to get yourself out of this bad situation. The best thing I’ve heard of him doing so far is getting his own place, but the rest of it is just really not good at all.

That’s my initial take. How does this land for you? And can you tell me more about why you want to fight for this relationship?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Happy Holidays! I hope that you had a nice Christmas day, whether you celebrated with others or just in the comfort of your own space. This is such a weird time of year for everyone. It always seem to just exacerbate people’s feelings around what they have and what hey don’t. I myself feel it as well. And then New Year’s eve is just so much pressure! It’s like whatever you’re doing on NYE is a reflection of who you are, and how your year has gone and what your next year will be like! I personally don’t like to go big on NYE and much prefer either a small group gathering, or even just a night of personal reflection. But the main thing is to just enjoy whatever it is that you are doing, and to not judge yourself for whatever that is.

The thing that I get about you is that you are unapologetically yourself. You’re not fake and you can’t hide who you are. You are not going to pretend to be someone that you’re not, and it sounds like you’re rather accomplished in what you have done, so why should you be anybody except for exactly who you are? This scares the hell out of people. Because so many people are terrified to be who they are. Many people have that herd mentality, and are so afraid of stepping out of line for fear of rejection, like you’ve experienced. Because like you’ve experienced, it doesn’t feel great to not be included. But it’s also important to really remind yourself when you’re not included with a certain group, who that group is, what they represent, and who are the actual players in that group. Are they actually people that you want to connect with? Are they accomplished, successful, and upstanding intelligent people? Or are they bitter idiots who have never left the tiny little piece of bumf*ck that they were born into?

You are a go-getter. You are a do-er and a manifestor. You have created an amazing compound, all on your own, all of your own will. You haven’t had family support, and you’ve had little support from friends and colleagues along the way. But still you rise up, and that’s admirable and something to be very proud of. And while I understand that it’s lonely at the top, you can’t let people beneath you drag you down to their level. You are better than that.

It sounds like you are starting to find some folks that you can connect with, and even though I understand that you feel trepidacious, I hope that you will let them happen, and let them in. Because as much as you say that you want to connect with people, you also have a wall up. It makes sense that you are afraid to trust and of being hurt, but you have to allow people in to get to know you. Of course there is a chance that a rejection might come after, but if you don’t let people in, you’ll never know.

I’m thinking of you being in the restaurant and that moment of potential connection with the server. Why did you choose to not say hello? Being that you were the customer and they were the serve, it would have been unprofessional for them to initiate that conversation. And then the couple invited you to sit with them but you didn’t go. It’s ok that you decided to eat on your own, but I do want you to recognize that this was a situation where people wanted to connect with you, and you were the one to decline. So it’s not always the case that people just don’t want to be around you, or invite you in.

I know you are feeling very “once bitten twice shy” or more likely covered in bites, and I really understand what you mean by: It’s essentially a choice to walk a path in between close community and toxic sabotage
And you’re right, it is about finding a good balance and finding your people. I do have faith in that, but in order to do so, you have to be willing to reject folks who are just not going to give you what you need and deserve, namely because they don’t have it to give.

Let’s talk about the Bills of the world and Bill in particular. I understand that it’s invigorating to have a crush on someone and to feel a tug towards connection with an attractive man, but I do have to be honest with you that I think this is once again pursuing rejection. It’s trying to make something happen with someonewho is not up to your caliber. Trying to get something from someone who doesn’t have it to give.

Here’s what we know about these men:
1. I noticed the table of men chatting merrily away nearby were almost blocking me energy-wise
2. he finally noticed me but only half approached me, a behavior I find pansy
3. I dismiss Bill for not sitting next to me and striking up a convo
4. The guy at the cafe: I realize now that this person wasn’t at work but was a worker from the cafe earlier so it could have felt like a missed opportunity but once again, this man was not pursuing you. I do think a smile and nod in his direction could be a good first step, but I’d say beyond that, wait to see what he does.

So all of that being said, what do you like about Bill? What gives you a crush on him, per se? You say that you are not pleased with how he’s being so far, but you’d like to explore it more. Why? Why would you want to pursue a man where you have to be the one in pursuit?
How do you think this is going to play out?

What I want for you more than anything is happiness and fulfillment. In order to achieve that, it’s so important to look at the energy that you’re putting out into the world, and who you’re putting it out to.

xoxo
Spyce

Ps: I’d love to hear more about the dream process!

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I do agree that sticking to those boundaries and not allowing those toxic people to receive even an ounce of your positive energy is the best idea. What I was saying about being the bigger person is a different kind of thing, and doesn’t apply to truly toxic people who have done so much damage and will continue to do so if allowed in. Those people need to be fully removed and cut out from your life, and paid no mind. Theyar not the kind of people who are going to learn a lesson or change. You do not need to prove anything to those kind of people, you do not need to be understood or included with that. They just need to be far away, with energy shields put up between you. So I’m glad to hear that you are doing so with them, and that you are also not trying to connect with someone like Tom who seems to want to have them in his life. Maybe he just needs to see for himself just how very evil they are, and eventually he may come around too. But unfortunately there are people in the world who are so desperate to fit in, that they will do so at the loss of their own autonomy and well being. Maybe that will happen, or maybe it won’t. Either way, it’s not really your concern.

I also agree that you “deserve to be loved and included by decent people with whom I can share activities I like”. I am wondering about something you’ve said in that same paragrpah though which is that: (I) have made friends wherever I go, but there are always the wretched enemies watching and pouncing as if possessed by some demon assigned to my destruction

My question is along the lines of if you are making friends, then why are you focused on the enemies? I understand that they make themselves hard to ignore, but miserable people will always be that way, and they feed on the negative attention and the knowledge that they are getting to you. Believe me, I soooo understand how difficult it is to ignore people like that. It’s such a challenge when you know what a gem you are, and then you see the accolades and inclusion going to literal garbage humans who have vomited lies and slander against you with absolutely nothing to back it up. I know how awful that feels, I really do, and I feel for you greatly.

I would love to see you so satisfied in your own life that the haters fade into the background, wither away into the dirt where they belong, and you are no longer affected by their insidious nonsense. I envision that for you, and I’m holding up that vision for you.

The community dream journal is such an amazing idea! Where was this man from who used to come around? Where did he live? How was he received by the community at large? It’s such a unique idea, but unless you lived in a very down to earth and somewhat alternative area, it sounds like he could be run out of town and labeled delusional, because unfortunately that’s how our world is. But I absolutely love it myself! I wonder how something like that would go over where you are living now…have you thought about resurrecting it in your current community?

More on personal dreams: It reminds me of one nightmare that really scared me because I sensed it was touching something real. A haunted room. The house being a metaphor for the body temple.

What was scary about this? So was the room a part of the body or the psyche that is lonely? Broken? Afraid of being perpetually alone and broken? Where does the fear come from?

In my dream, I still can’t really figure it out. Even now when I sit with it in an awake state, I can’t really determine where the fear comes from and what it means. I think it may be a past life situation. Sometimes the room is in a specific house where there is an entire section of the house that also feels like this room. Do you dream of the same places? I nave an entire town that I dream about. A few towns actually. They are semi connected and may be the same area. I’m not entirely sure. I’d like to draw it all out someday and get it out of my head but I’m not really an artist in that way.

It does seem like the blonds have some significance, if only to indicate someone who starts off as being nice, but is fake when it comes down to it. Can you think of other blonds who have been this way to you? What was your first experience with a blond who acted that way?

It seems very plausible that you have a strong and sensual energy that intimidates women and frightens men. Unfortunately people, especially in groups, are weak. Who is going to be the one to step out of the pack and do the thing that everyone wants to, but everyone is fearful to. As you’ve mentioned, many people there know nothing and nowhere else. They are not smart, they are not worldly, they are not accomplished, they are not successful or going places. They do not know how to relate to you, and you scare them. This doesn’t mean that you are too much, it means that they are not enough.

But yes, we are having a human experience in this lifetime and human interaction is important. Connection is important, touch is important. And while I do agree that wherever you go, there you are, I also do think different places have different energies, and attract specific people. What draws people to where you are? Besides the people who are from here, what would make someone want to move there? Perhaps someone more worldly, successful, intelligent, ect? It’s an interesting thing to ponder…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I totally understand and respect that and if it doesn’t feel right to you to interact in that way, hen of course don’t do it. at the end of the day, anyone can give any advice that they want, but you have to do what feels best to you and most affirming to your personhood. There is also something to be said for now engaging at all with people who have crossed a cerain line with you and I absolutely believe in that as well. There are definitely many people that no longer have access to any part of me because they have crossed a barrier, or pushed a boundary and I no longer see them as safe or worthy. so there’s that too.

It’s also good to hear that it’s not actually the entire town that is full of these toxic people, and that they are more just a certain group of crazies. They have a level of power because they’ve never left the small town and so they are accepted and even from th sounds of it, treated with a certain level of respect that they would never get otherwise. They are obviously terrified of anyone who would come in and call them out for the failures that they are, and they will certainly be intimidated by a strong, self sufficient, intelligent, and attractive woman coming into their midst. It’s unfortunate, but mostly for them. And also for those who fall into the trap of needing their approval, like Tom. People like you describe are not people that you want to fit in with, because you don’t want to be like-minded with them. It sounds like Tom is very fearful of these people, which is surprising for a New Yorker, but not knowing his full story, it’s hard to really say what’s going on.

But even with all of these losers and weirdos and a town with a small population, it seems like you are always running into a variety of potentially interesting people, so you never know what will happen. Just keep doing you, connecting with the good ones, doing what you do, and being open to good things coming your way.

Thanks for telling me about your dream. To be honest, I’ve experienced something similar. But mine involves a back staircase in an old house, and a room off of it with a scary feeling that emanates from it. I too have learned of ancestral curses in my family and have been told that I am the one who has to break it, which feels like an unfair responsibility. Sometimes I feel up to the challenge, but oftentimes it feels like quite the burden I didn’t ask for. ANd don’t worry about me spouting any religion at you. I am the farthest thing from that and don’t think this is an appropriate forum for that anyway, I am very spiritual, but don’t jive with the dogma of people doing things out of guilt, fear, or shame, which is what most religion seems to be based on.

The first thing that comes to mind when you talk about the door being unlocked is a feeling of unsafety, specifically with people, which you have expressed many times. People treating you poorly, overstepping your boundaries, turning on you out of nowhere, conspiring against you, and robbing you of all that you’ve worked so hard for; whether it be tangible possessions, or more along emotional/spiritual work that you’ve done. So the dream doesn’t seem too far off from what’s already happening in your subconscious mind. I wonder what kind of experiences you’ve had with blond women as this seems to be something of a theme. And I’m assuming you are not blond? FYI, I am not a blond myself!

In terms of what do to about it, I do know of some shamanic folks who have worked with people in this realm before and I can ask if they are willing to be recommended, or I can ask around in general for recommendations. For myself it seems to be a continuous process, but what has helped for me is a few things.

One is working on establishing a deep sense of safety before going into an spiritual or psychic realm. Calling in those that I know protect me, and cultivating that level of connection with those energies, so I know that I can call on them when I need to and I can trust that they are there. Also trusting that I am good, I am loved, and everything “bad” that happens to me is ok and that I will get through. Reminding myself to be grateful for what I do have, and to really focus on that, instead of thinking about what I don’t have. Infusing myself with hope that even if I don’t have what I want now, that doesn’t mean that I will never get it, even if I’ve been working at it for a long time with no results. Trying to see everything as a blessing, and always asking why to find the underlying significance of any experience. And then of course just openly speaking to the ancestors fully listening to what comes in, and being open to accept whatever that is, even if it sounds weird at first. That is some of what has helped me with the things that I can’t change directly with my actions in this universe.

Does any of that resonate?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Noora,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry that you are going through this heartbreak. It’s so difficult to let someone go, especially when you share a child with them, and all that you want to do is have things back to how they were. It can feel really devastating and like all that you want and need is this person. But I’m here to tell you, that often the best thing that you can do for your own self and for that of your child is to take a really realistic look at the situation, and make the smart but difficult decision.

Let me tell you what I mean…

You said that you’ve been separated since January of last year, so that is almost a year now. What has he done during that year to apologize, try to work on the relationship, or le you know that he wants to get back together?

You said that the only reason that you’re not divorced is because of money. That does not soind like someone who wants to rekindle the relationship.

Are you saying that he has been cheating since September and making promises to another woman since then? It doesn’t really matter what the details are of this other relationship he is pursuing. All that matters is what he is pursuing with you and how he is treating you and your son, which just does not sound good or healthy.
For a man who is willing to leave his family, there will always be someone else that he can focus on to distract himself from the fact that he is a low-life, and being a bad person. Another woman is interchangeable and I assure you she will not last long. But there might be another who will take her place.

You say that you love him, and you want to win back his love. What does love mean to you? What are the actions that you’d expect from someone who loves you? Is he showing you any of that?

You have to really think deeply on what you want and what you are willing to accept. Trying to “win back” a man who is treating you this way may not be the best course of action for you.

What was the cause of your breakup to begin with? What has your relationship been like for the past few years? Did something change suddenly or was it over time?

Look forward to hearing from you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

How was your weekend? How have things been going socially out there? I am glad to hear that you are taking it slow with the people you’re meeting. And to be honest, I don’t thin it’s only men that need time to get to know you, it’s all people. And it’s not just you, it’s all of us. Anytime anyone jumps into any kind of relationship, there’s always the risk that either the other person isn’t who they say that they are, or that they are not going to see the real you, and then may judge you harshly and unfairly because they just don’t know who you are.

Whatever the reason, it all feels bad. Not that going slow in relationships will always wipe away that happening completely, but it can be helpful in curbing it at least.

Yes, it sounded like the Ukrainian has a bunch of potential drama surrounding him, so even if he’s really attractive, it’s likely not worth the effort to deal with all of that.

In terms of Tom the New Yorker, what exactly is your interest in him? Sounds like he’s a down to earth and interesting guy, who is upfront and doesn’t play games. It sounds like you’ve been able to feel a sense of camaraderie with him, and you feel comfortable around him. Beyond that, do you feel like you could have a romantic connection with him? Are you attracted to him?

I understand that maybe you feel like you laid all your cards out on the table with him, too much too soon, and I can agree that perhaps that can scare people off a bit. Mostly because of what I just mentioned, that it does take time to get to know someone. And if you show certain cards too soon, people make assumptions that because you are A, that you must be B, and so on and so forth. Most of us are more multi-dimensional than that, and a fellow multi-dimensional person can see that, so I doubt that all hope is lost.

Either way, I don’t totally buy into the whole “being in your feminine” thing because I personally have gotten every man I’ve ever had by being forthright and true to who I am, which is not a demure and simpering person. But I do also like to get to know people and not jump into too much too soon.

However, I don’t think that feeling badly about how you were or about yourself in general is a productive course of action. All that you can do is move forward. It could actually be better if he sees you as a friend as a friend will stick around longer, where a hookup will fall into awkwardness and dissolve into nothing much more easily. So as you said, seeing how things go from here will also determine what kind of person he is, and how close you want to get to him. Because you need to remember that you have the choice yoo, and not everyone is worthy of your time and energy.

I do agree with Tom though about buying a beer for the woman who you’ve had the issue with. That’s essentially what I was talking about in my last email where I invited out for coffee that woman who was saying bad things about me. When I made that kind gesture, and didn’t join her in her idea that I was a bad person, I took back the power. I became the bigger person. Whatever she does from there says more about her than it does about me. I think you’d be in the same position if you reached out with kindness. It shows that she has no power over you. But if you’re still angry with her, it shows that she does, and then she feels justified in thinking badly of you. So that’s my take on it too. I appreciate the more mystical approach to it, but most people do not operate in the cosmos and do not get the subtlety of those maneuvers. But whatever feels right for you.

Also, how is your big project coming along?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Wow, look at that! It sounds like you’re attracting all of the good folks in that tiny town, that’s so awesome! Despite the idea that only awful people are attracted to you, just by giving yourself a little pep talk and willing it to be so, you’re starting to call in people that get it. And I agree about New Yorkers being top notch. Well I am one so I’m biased!
It was cool to hear that people who you have previously had some beef with became more open to you, and are seeing more of who you truly are. It also sounds like you’re embracing this idea that I tout a lot, which is to always be the bigger person. It’s not about letting anyone get anything over on you, it’s about not letting anyone get to you, and showing them that no matter how mean they must be, you don’t have to justify yourself, and that you’re in such abundance that you can still give.

I’ll give you an example as I just had this happen in my own life. There is a woman who owns a store in the town where I live. It’s a relatively small city and people here are very focused on community. This woman and I have some overlapping similarities in what we do, and I kept seeing her name around, so last spring I had stopped into her store to see how we could collaborate and network. She was super nice, and said that she’s be happy to promote me. I kept offering things that I could do for her, but she refusd and said that it was all good either way. I never really heard back from her and I got busy.

Recently I saw that she was doing a holiday market so I figured it would be a great time to reconnect, and see if I could be a part of the market to promote my small business at her event. She said that she didn’t want to do anything with me because I “kept reaching out with zero follow through”. Then she said since I wasn’t selling anything and was instead just promoting my service based business, that I wasn’t giving anything back so wouldn’t be welcome. She then went on to criticize how I had come to her store last time without a call and interrupted her with a client, and how rude I was. Mind you, this is a woman who was noting but sweetness and smiles the last time I saw her!

It was shocking and I told her so, but she seemed to keep wanting me to fight with her. So I put her in her place the best way I knew how. I told her how much I wanted to clear this up with her so we could support each other as female entrepreneurs in the same community. And how I wanted to take her out to coffee and get to know better how I could support her. Her fierce typing and accusations stopped at that point. Because what was she going to do? I wasn’t willing to fight with her, which is what she wanted so she could feel justified in making me out to be the bad guy. But I’m not the bad guy. Whether or not I ever go out with her for coffee makes no difference and honestly now that I’ve seen her true colors, I think it may be never as I don’t want to collaborate with her. But she can’t really say that much about me to others unless it’s a bald faced lie so there’s that. And it all just makes me feel better than if I would have gotten deep into justifying and matching her rude for rude. Now she can go and think about what the eff her problem is!

Now let’s get back to all of these men that you’ve been meeting…damn girl, I’m going to need a flow chart soon! LOL 😉 Of course I want to just be excited for you and I am, but as your coach (and a ballsy AF NYer chick) I do just have to give you some words of caution here. Yes I am glad that you’re meeting seemingly high quality men, and I know that’s very exciting and while I want to believe in them as well, I can’t, don’t, and will not totally until they prove that they are worthy. Not because of you, but because of men. Now I haven’t ever seen you, but from what I’ve surmised you are pretty easy on the eyes and men are attracted to you quickly. This feels nice of course, but you have to make sure that they are in it for more than just their own desires.

In order to do this, you must go into things very slowly and get to know people over time. Because it doesn’t matter how hot you or they are, it’s about so much more than that, and I know you get that and want that. I want you to have that, and it’s just so important to develop and build relationship bonds based on shared ideals and experiences, which you can’t get instantly. Often times in small towns there is that vibe of being able to get to know people quickly because there are lots of people that know each other well, so newcomers get caught up in that. But that’s how people make instant judgements about you as well, and don’t really get to know you before writing you off as something based on maybe one experience.

(Case in point: hot Ukranian…just out of relationship? Red flag! You don’t want to be his rebound and if you are, you will NOT be more than a fling)

I know you are a person that contains multitudes, and you want to be known, seen, nd cherished for those multitudes. I also know that you haven’t had enough of that feeling so you are very hungry for it (no shame, you’re human!), and so it’s easy to just want to scarf it all down whenever you do encounter even a morsel of it. But I really want to caution you, however good it feels to be seemingly enveloped into a group of people, or even into one person’s life, to go in slowly. You don’t have to be cautious or fearful, or put up boundaries, you just need to honor your energy enough to go slowly, and to not be willing to throw it all in with someone until you know for sure that they really are that stand up kind of person who deserves all of you.

I know it sucks when you’re an amazing person with so much to offer to not want to offer it all up when you find someone who wants to accept it, but you have to remind yourself that no matter how hot or willing they seem, they need to earn that from you. They need to earn the right to get to know you, to be your friend, to be your lover, your partner. You ARE all than and a bag of chips, and just because most people haven’t discovered that yet, does not mean that it won’t happen. But you have to let it out slowly, and wait for them to prove themselves before you jump in with both feet, because they may not deserve you. And if they don’t, they will reject you, and then you’ll go back to feeling unloved, and unwanted, which isn’t really the case. It’s just that you’re giving yourself over to people who are not enough.

Believe me, I have experienced this for years and I still do at times! But I’ve learned this the hard way, and I know you have too, so this is my best advice for how to combat some of that when you do meet these folks that you want so badly to be a part of their posse. Just slow your roll, and let them show you that they are worthy of you.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

Thanks for reaching out and updating me on your situation. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in this state of limbo. It never feels good to be waiting on someone for your own sense of well-being. And to be honest, that is what the issue is here. You CANNOT let your emotions be dependant on what he will or will not do. To be honest, that exactly is likely the reason that he has pushed you away and told you in no uncertain terms that he does not want a romantic relationship. A romantic relationship has strings, responsibility, and a sense of commitment, which is not able to provide.

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He’s told you this himself, and other people in his life have told you this about him too. I’ve told you as your coach, that if you want to have him in your life, you have to be ok with exactly who he is. No one changes unless they really feel like they want and need to, and even then it can be very difficult to make changes. I just wouldn’t hold my breath that he is suddenly going to become a different person. Also, it sounds like this is his normal. He doesn’t have any idea that it affects anyone else, and it sounds like he doesn’t want it to, which is why he shys away from intimacy.

Now of course, you have the right to your own boundaries, and the ability to let people know how you are willing to interact with him. You are perfectly within your rights to let him know that it doesn’t feel good to you when he pulls away like this, and that it makes you cautious to be his friend. Of course you run the risk of this pushing him away. But there’s also a chance that this could be a wake up call to him that he may lose someone that he enjoys spending time with if he doesn’t change. But from what you’ve mentioned about him, I wouldn’t be too sure of the latter outcome.

What it comes down to on a deeper level though, is that you have to realize that this is who he is, and it has nothing to do with you or what you’re doing or not doing. Nothing you did caused this behaviour in him. If you said the “right” thing or the “wrong” thing, he would still keep putting up his walls because that is who he is. and until he decides to change, that is who he will be. I understand that he makes yoy feel connected to your late husband and that’s comforting, but I also wonder if relying on him for this comfort really is that beneficial for your mental health.

You’ve expressed not feeling ready to date, but you’ve also expressed romantic interest in Patrick, but it could be that if you found the right person, you could actually be ready for a new relationship. A relationship with someone else who is also ready for that. Ready, willing, and looking. Not someone who is telling you that they aren’t interested and then giving you all the signs that hey are. That’s not fair to you.

Life is short, as we both know, and you deserve to be happy and to find love again. And I believe that you can. But you have to be willing to be realistic about where you can find that love, and if it’s not somewhere that you’re seeking it, to be able to move on, or at least move over and be open to what’s next. I just hate to see life passing you by while you are waiting for someone who may never come around…

What do you think?
xoxo
Spyce

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