[Coach Spyce]

Hi Marigold,

Welcome to the forum! Did you have a question or anything to share? Not sure if there was a technical error, but your message simply came through as X. I’m assuming you might have more to say?

Looking forward to hearing it!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Thanks for getting these messages back up on my radar! I can now see them both and fortunately I just came on to respond and it looks like you just sent this second message, so my timing is good!

It’s very admirable to be living off the land and off grid like that. Back when I had that land in Colorado, I was also really interested in alternative building practices and had written up a house plan for a passive solar house made from straw bale. So I like your idea of an adobe or cob house and I hope that you are able to make that come to fruition!

Also really nice to hear of your entrepreneurial ventures, and your permaculture work with your acreage is so very awesome! Being able to survive out in the middle of the desert based on the fruits of your own labor is a really incredible skill and obviously not one that many people have. You should be proud of yourself for all you’ve done to prepare for where you are now, and for being where you are now. So many people talk for their entire lives and never actually do what they say they desperately want. So you are actually light years ahead of the average person in many ways, and that’s not something to sneeze at!

I know that it’s lonely to make these kinds of dreams come true, and it is difficult to find others who will get on board with plans that are out of the norm of what society dictates as the “proper” way to live. It’s certainly disheartening at times and it can feel like quite the burden to be the pioneer. For many years when I was younger I fel the strain of having intense and lofty ideas that others did not have the gumption to follow. i did a lot of traveling on my own and did feel lonely at time, a traveler with no real home. I’ve settled a lot now and my life is different, but something big did change when I was abl to feel supported in my visions by loved ones. My visions these days are possibly less astronomical, but I still do things that others might think are very big, and it does feel better to have like minds on the road beside me. I hope for you that you will find your people/person someday too! But just to be clear, I feel like I did have to tone down some of my desires to truly find that support, and I’ve had to learn to be ok with that.

Unfortunately many people are unhappy, and many people who go out to places like where you’re describing that you live, are exactly those unhappy people. And unhappy people are not very good with compassion or being non-judgemental. They are very good with being skeptical and having the mentality of guilty until proven innocent, and a newcomer is always treated as circumspect. There is a real scarcity mentality in small towns, and because of your background, you’re highly sensitive to that, so it’s a perfect storm.

It’s nice that you’ve met a few nice people that were more accepting off the bat, and hopefully that will make the others feel warmed up to you. But also, you have to ask yourself if those people in that bar are really your people that you want to be cultivated a relationship with. Alcohol does delude the mind, and can certainly create all kinds of miscommunications. It can also forge a false sense of connection which can have positive side effects though, unyil the fighting gloves come on, which is sounds like may have happened that night. Or as you said, it could just be some misperceptions. If I were you, I might go back into that bar and in the light of day, apologize to the bartender. Even if I didn’t feel like I’d done anything wrong, it can really spread good will when someone acknowledges any negative feelings or potential mishaps. I see that as a sign of strength and being the bigger person. As as much as sometimes it doesn’t feel good, being the bigger person has never done me wrong.

I would like to hear more about any of the spiritual/psychic experiences that you’ve had that you’re willing to share. I’m a big believer in that and I do believe that sometimes the issues that we are experiencing in this life has a lot to do with what’s going on in other realms around us. So whether it’s a past life thing, or an ancestral curse, or a demon coming thru the veil to prey on you, it’s all possible and of interest to me. I just makes no sense to me that everything would be meaningless and there would be no reason that even the simplest of things…like some people are always healthy and some people have issues from birth. And any numbers of the wonders and cruelties of life…I’m always examining all of that and asking why, even if an answer isn’t readily available!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

How are you doing? were you able to get things up and running again? You really are living out there in the wilds, aren’t you? I do understand that lifestyle as I grew up with hippies and other “off the grid” types. I can appreciate that but I also can see it’s hardships. It sounds like it’s not totally by choice in your situation or would you say that it is? I know you mentioned something about living in a trailer. Are you on a piece of land that you bought? Are you trying to build something?

I’m also curious what is the size of the town that you’re living in. I used to be very familiar with a small mountain town back in the day where some friends had moved to, and then my brother moved to, and then other friends moved to. I bought some land there and contemplated moving there too. One of my friends kept saying what a wonderful place it was to build community and at first I believed her. But after a short while I began to see how that really was not the case. Yes maybe some people came there seeking to find like minds, but I also felt like more people moved out to the middle of nowhere to get away from people, and be alone. Eventually my family left the area, I sold my land, and I realized I would never want to live there, because I knew I needed to be in a place where there were more options.

Because I can have the kind of personality where people can take me wrong. I am very outgoing and friendly, and I try to integrate myself into situations because I want to connect. Some people get scared of that, mostly because they are unable to set their own boundaries and don’t know how to say no. So I’ve had to learn how to really be careful with who I try to get deep with and befriend. I know you said that you’ve lived in larger areas and it didn’t work out any better for you. I guess I’ve just found that not being reliant on the 3 narcissists that run the town as my social circle has been helpful for me. And even living in a larger area things can still feel small, so I know that a different environment is not always the answer.

But I will say that like attracts like and it’s good to look at wwhat the vibe is of anyplace you live, and what draws people there. there’s alway some common thread and even the feeling that’s in the land can have an influence on what happens there. Not sure if you believe in that, but I definitely do. I have to say that what you are looking for does not sound outlandish to me and I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time finding it. But I really just wonder what the commonality is in the place where you live…

Of course it’s something deeper than that and I’d hate to encourage you to run unless you’re running towards something and not away. Because if it’s in you, that will follow you wherever you go, and it sounds like it has. But really it seems to be the people that you’re attracting and letting into your life. They all sound, toxic, crazy, or like they have no boundaries. I know that you are lonely, but I really think that you have to get to a place in your life where you are not willing to hang out with this people at all. Because it seems like the is a self fulfilling prophecy or something going on with people.

What do you think about anything spiritual? Past lives, ancestral curses, things like that? I sometimes wonder about that when nothing else makes sense…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Thanks for sharing more about your situation! So I understand that it’s upsetting but it sounds like this is a very clear case of not wanting the same things…

He wanted to take things to a more serious level with you, and you decided that you didn’t want that, as it was too soon. So then he said, well if you don’t want that with me, I need some space to determine if we should stay together. You said no to that as well, and made the decision to break up with him.

It sounds like you have been the one making the decisions here to pull back on the relationship, so I’m a bit confused as to what the issue is here, and what exactly you are wanting from him and the situation…

I agree though that six months is very quick to determine if you want to be with someone forever. Also it sounds like he is in a very pivotal part of his life and has a lot going on. Not really a great time to be adding marriage to the mix. You mentioned your anxiety, but it seems that he is the one who is anxious to get things situated in his life and you are more willing to take a “see how it goes” approach, which at six months in is more healthy.

So what are you wanting to do at this point? Try to get back together with him?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out about your situation. I’m so sorry to hear of the stress that you’re going through with your boyfriend. It’s very upsetting when someone we love is in emotional turmoil and chooses to shut us out instead of let us get close and be a part of their pain.

I’d like a bit more info if you don’t mind sharing…

How long have you been together? Did you live together? When did the break happen? What preceded it? You mentioned that he is in an emotional crisis…has this happened before?

Looking forward to learning more and seeing how we can navigate this!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Thanks for the warm welcome back! I definitely understand what you’re going thru and hopefully my attempts will be helpful. I’m also wondering if you have any professional support in your life in general? The forum is great, but none of us are licensed therapists here and while we can make suggestions and be a supportive cheerleader, there still could be room in your life for others to offer their professional take on it. There is no stigma around therapy to me. I have a therapist, my therapist has a therapist, and I believe that we all can benefit from having more support in our lives always. So I just wanted to throw that out there!

Building self esteem is definitely a difficult thing. Those childhood experiences run soooo deep, and it can take a lifetime to undo the trauma. Not saying that to make you feel hopeless, because I also think that certain things can happen that will create big change more quickly, but as you said, it can be a daily practice of mindfulness and combating the ugly when it rears its head and butts its nose into your happy day. But I do think that you’re on the right track.

There’s reality, and then there’s perceived reality. It’s easy to imagine what others are thinking about you based on your own trauma. Of course this may not be real at all. But it can certainly feel very real and still be very triggering. Following the breadcrumbs of the potential tasty morsels of fun and life affirming things that you want to do is an great way to start, and holding steadfast to the reminder that you are a good person, a fun person, a kind and loving person that similarly good and kind people would want in their life, is an excellent way to keep yourself going.

You say that you’ve been through many attempts at self esteem but failed
Can you share what you’ve tried and what hasn’t worked? I would hate to recommend things that haven’t gotten you to a place where you’ve wanted to be. It sounds like some of the positive reminders are working a bit, so perhaps setting those up in a more strategic way could be helpful?

If you feel like sharing more (and it’s not going to upset you to retell), I’m wondering more how the whole situation has played out with these narcissist types being able to get others to turn against you. Like what actually happened with the manager of the dance studio? I’m not just asking to be nosy, but more because I’m trying to understand how these things are coming to pass, and to see if there’s something happening in there that I can observe from an outside perspective that might help with moving forward in these kinds of scenarios.

You mentioned that it’s easy for you to make friends, which I find interesting as I’ve not heard you say that before. We’ve had so many more discussions on how difficult it is for you to make friends, even in this message alone. I understand that you’re saying these aren’t the friends you want, but let’s look more at this. So how do you “make friends” and what do you do with said friends to make them? How do you learn that they are not true friends? What is the trajectory that this takes?

The truth is that the concept of friendship can be wildly different to everyone. some people may have friends that they rarely see, while others may want to talk on the phone all of the time, or go out together. Friendships can vary depending on where people are in their lives. Some people pull in when they are upset, others reach out. All of these things can impact friendships and closeness. What are you looking for in friendships?

I like the idea of you hanging out at the art gallery and connecting more in there. The other two women that you mentioned do some somewhat toxic and I’d worry that they are once again these low level people that you are attracting and being willing to connect with because you are lonely. I just don’t like that for you!

Yes, you need to break the cord. Let’s brainstorm what’s going to work here…
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sonja,

Ijust wanted to check in on you and see how things are going. I know it’s not easy to hear that someone that you love and are trying to be with may actually be the source of your troubles.

Care to share how that made you feel and if there’s anything that we can do to support you or help you figure out your next steps?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Well howdy! I apologize for not chiming in sooner! I didn’t realize that you were asking for me, but here I am now, and I’m happy to help as I can.

While it’s nice to hear from you again, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re back here on the forum seeking support, and that things did not pan out in that relationship that you were in. And ending up in the ER?! Oh boy! What a jerk!
I have to be honest that I didn’t have high hopes for that relationship, and there were many red flags from the beginning. But I will never tell someone what they can or can’t do as people need to do what they feel called to, and we all have to choose our own adventures and live out whatever sufferings we need to in order to move forward. But I’m here for you girl, for all of it! In your corner and by your side.

I know that you were feeling frustrated in the town that you’re living in as it’s small with a strong rumor mill. However, it doesn’t sound like it’s all bad…there were a few things I saw mentioned above that sound like wins that we must celebrate!

Working with a local crisis center: wow, that’s huge! You are obviously seen as someone who has a lot of knowledge and also someone that people can deeply trust to hold space for others and do the right thing. That shows that you have impeccable communication skills and outstanding moral ethics. So that’s amazing! What are you going to do to move forward with that opportunity?

Performing in a Day of the Dead ritual: I love it! What’s the deal with that group of folks? If you are performing with them then you must have made some connections with them, no? Are there more upcoming performances going on? Perhaps you can socialize more with that group of people? Creative projects are definitely a powerful way to foster tight knit connections with folks so I’d love to hear more about what you plan to do to pursue more with your creative endeavors.

When it comes to all of the people who are casting a dark energy over you, I do understand how there can be an allure to pursuing those people who seem to have this bias against you. Because you know that you’re a good and kind person and you feel like they have the wrong idea about you, you’re pulled to convert them into realizing the beauty and goodness that you possess. If only they spent more time with you, if only they could understand and see the true you, they would change their minds and let you in to their world, which is obviously an exciting and amazing place. But why do these people instead continue to like the noxious people who spread lies and hate, instead of aligning themselves with someone loving and supportive like you? I have some thoughts of course, but do you have an idea of what the answer might be?

It’s a typical pattern when you’ve dealt with a lot of toxic and abusive people, to want to prove yourself to them to win their love. I know that you had that kind of relationship with your family, and early romantic connections so of course that’s what you’re used to, and what feels familiar to you. I’m sorry that you’ve learned that this is live and this is ok, because it’s not at all. In reality, none of these people, including your family, deserve your love, and I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced so much toxicity disguised as love, or people telling you that this was love and manipulating you into the further toxicity just not be alone. Because of course it often feels like it’s better to be with someone than alone, but when it’s the wrong person or people, is the trade-off really worth it?

We really have to work on your self esteem so you can get to the point where you don’t want to go the dance with the pock-marked alcoholic because you know that he’s not worthy of even five minutes of your time. He’s not better than nobody. And you are worth more than to spend time with people who don’t get you. These people are beneath you, and you have to start realizing that. I know it’s hard because you’ve been around these kind of low level people most of your life but I want to know why you keep allowing them into your life?

I guess we both know the answer to that, so the real question is, what can you change so that way you will stop pursuing relationships with these toxic people? I can’t believe that there is just no one else. From what you’ve told me, you’ve lived in small towns as well as big cities, and everywhere you go you wind up forming connections with people who treat you poorly. Yes there are crappy people everywhere, but there are good people everywhere too. The common denominator here is you, girlfriend.

And that is not me telling you that there’s something wrong with you. That’s me telling you that you have the power to change this. You and only you. You may need to be lonely for awhile. I’m sorry. You may need to not pursue relationships until you can really have strong enough boundaries to not let toxic people into your life. I know it’s hard to be alone, and to feel alone and without loved ones around. My heart really goes out to you. I know that you’re a good person. And I have surmised that you’re easy on the eyes as well. None of that is the problem. The only problem here is your self love, and your inability to recognize your worth in the face of yet another POS guy.

So we’ve got to figure out…what’s going to make Jadene truly love Jadene?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

Wait, so what happened exactly? He messaged you on Halloween and was supposed to message you later in the week to go out for pizza and didn’t? And you haven’t heard from him since last week?

So my question is, if this was a friend of yours, like a girlfriend or something, what would you do?

You might assume that something is wrong and try to contact her to see if she’s ok, right? Or you might just say, “hey are we still getting together this week? I want to plan out my time.”
Right?

What you wouldn’t be doing is sitting by the phone and not calling her because you are afraid that doing so would push her away, right? You’d just assume that she got busy or something. But you wouldn’t take it so personally.

I know it’s hard, but I think that’s what you have to do here. You have to treat him like every other person. Why does he get special treatment and is allowed to treat you poorly? It doesn’t matter whether you like him, or he likes you, or if you’re dating, or in love. The fact is that you are both just people, and there’s something called human decency. Which entails doing what you say you will, and being respectful of other people’s time and energy. So that’s all it is. Take any romantic desires out of the equation and it’s still just about basic human decency.

So how about contacting him with that kind of energy? My first response would be something along the lines of…hey, is everything ok? I thought we were going for pizza this week!

And then if you want to make upcoming plans, saying something like…Would love to confirm a time with you so I can make plans. I have some things to do this week and so need to know my schedule.

How does that all sound?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sonja,

Thanks for sharing more of your story! I can see now that you have a history with this man, but I have to say it’s not the most healthiest one. Your relationship has obviously had many elements of lies and hiding from its inception, which of course makes it difficult to now insist on open and honest communication.

It sounds like he is looking for someone to blame instead of taking a look at his own issues and finding ways to change the things he’s unhappy with. That’s his obvious pattern. He was doing it when he first got together with you by cheating on his wife instead of dealing with whatever was wrong in his marriage. He ran away then just as he is doing now.

It also sounds like he just keeps reeling you back in and tells you what you want to hear once yoy get to a breaking point and are ready to throw in the towel. He’s not changing, he is lying to cover his ass, to get you back. I’m sorry to say but what you have with him in the good moments is not based on reality. Because the reality is that you keep coming back to the fact that he’s not willing to even look at his own issues and make steps to make change. He just blames everyone else, just like he is doing now.

And you are buying into it and letting yourself take the responsibility for his triggers, his issues, his pain. Trying to change it yourself. Telling yourself that if you just did something different, everything would be right with the world again. But that’s not true.

He says he is lost and that I did it and I broke him. Do you believe that? I hope not! He is a grown man, and from the sound of it, he’s been broken long before you came along.

I gave up everything for this man who is throwing it away so easily!

Why darling? Why are you doing this to yourself? What does he bring to your life? A partner should love, cherish, support you. Not push you away and blame you for his issues. I hear a lot of talk about how heartbroken you are, but I’m really left wondering…what are you getting out of this?

You need to start caring for yourself and your children instead of putting a grown man who is acting like a spoiled brat ahead of your own care.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sonja,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear of this disconnection that you’re having with your partner. Four years is a significant time period, and it’s so heartbreaking to have someone that you’ve been with for such a long time turn away from you like that, and become cold and distant. I really feel for you!

It sounds like he’s had a significant loss with his stepfather and he is in fact grieving. I’m curious to know what his normal pattern of dealing with stress is. While he may not have had an intense situation like this before in the time you’ve been together, it’s still worthwhile to observe how does he deal with stress and issues in general. is he one to usually pull away when he’s under stress, or does he want to talk things through with loved ones, ie friends or you? Meaning, is pulling away when he’s upset a pattern, or is this something new that he’s doing in this particular situation?

Also curious as to what your style is when stressed? Are you more inclined to pull away and go inward, or do you reach out to others who can be there for support?

It sounds like you are a caretaker, and that in this relationship perhaps you have bent over backwards to make him feel happy, satisfied, and content. Then you said that you “forgot his love language, his needs, his wants”. And at that point, you instead maybe started to communicate with him in a way that either felt more right to you, or that you felt pushed into because you became scared of losing him. So you were trying to cajole, convince, and make him “see the light”. This had the opposite effect and pushed him away, but it’s not wrong of you to have done so. After all, you have your own love language, needs, and wants, and in a healthy relationship, both people must be cognizant of that for the other person. I’s not fair to expect one person to make all of the concessions in order to make the other one happy.

Now I can see you wanting to take extra care with him when he’s in a vulnerable place, however my thinking is that this is typically how the relationship is between the two of you, and not only is that not sustainable, it’s not healthy nor fair to either of you.

It very well might be that this is him being lost, lonely, and losing his person but it sounds like you’ve already done quite a lot to make him see that and he’s not coming around to it.

How has your relationship been like otherwise? Are there other ways that you have a hard time connecting? Other issues? How is your communication in general?

You said if you leave, I will not be coming back…is any of this a recurring theme? What do you mean by he’s always told me he always has a back up plan?

Look forward to hearing back from you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

I’m so sorry for missing this message! I have notifications set but sometimes things get overlooked. I deeply apologize.

Thank you so much for sharing more about your life with your husband! How wonderful it is to meet a kindred spirit, and how beautiful to experience love at first sight! It’s rare too, as often when people meet and they have that kind of feeling at first, it’s tends to change and dissipate after they get to know each other and you have to chalk it up to just chemistry and attraction, but not necessarily compatibility for the long haul. SOunds like you definitely had that with him!

I love that when asked if were married upon meeting, that you both looked at each other and said “ Not yet”. And then within 6 months, you were! And then together for 46 years! Talk about knowing what you want and making your dreams come true. So inspirational!

I’m sorry to hear of your fertility issues and I can relate as I have them as well. Not to the point yet of adoption, but my future may hold that. It’s very difficult when you just want a child to love and can’t have one on your own. I’m glad that you were able to experience the joy of motherhood and that you have children. Are you close with them?

When you say that you got used to coming in second, how did that make you feel? You obviously accepted it, and still felt like you had a nice life with your husband, but did you ever wish things were different or try to change it?
Also was this reminiscent of any other relationships in your life? Like with parents or other family? Did your parents have a similar relationship? Or did you witness this anywhere else?

I can see how if this is something that you are used to, that “waiting” for Patrick can feel normal, and maybe almost comfortable. It’s not wrong to be ok with that, as long as you are. But then you are expressing being lonely, so maybe this isn’t something that you want to continue to do.

The thing is, you could look into meeting other people, and still remain open to connecting with Patrick. This way you are taking steps to find your own happiness and not waiting around for someone else to give it to you, but there’s still the possibility for deeper connection with Patrick if he can show up in a way that works and feels good.

Since you are in the process of caring for yourself better, losing weight, etc, it could also be a really good time to look at losing some of your emotional baggage as well, and changing up what you feel like you deserve and are ok with when relating to others, specifically men.
What do you think about that?

It’s hard to say in this situation what exactly he meant by that, because I’m not convinced that there aren’t extenuating circumstances happening here. I just don’t think it’s as cut and dry as “you’re not my type”. Patrick obviously has a lot of baggage of his own, and it’s often easier for a man to give a pat answer such as that as opposed to looking at what’s really going on beneath the hood and what he’s actually feeling. I’m sure there are a variety of obstacles that he is facing when confronted with the thought of dating you, and so I wouldn’t let yourself take this on as there is something wrong with you. It sounds like you are bringing a lot of joy to his life. The more important question is what is he bringing to yours?

So while I do understand the draw and wouldn’t recommend cutting him out, I would caution against you putting all of your eggs into his basket.

Make sense?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dixan,

How are you holding up? I just wanted to check back in and see how you are doing and feeling. Any changes in your situation?

We are absolutely here to help however we can.
Just reach out and let us know!
xoxo
Soyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey lady,

How are you? What’s good? How are things going with Project You? Any news on the horizon? Are you dating? Staying off the apps? Hanging out with friends? Being fine as hell?
Well that last one’s a given 😉

Do tell!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

Absolutely! Just let him set the tone and he will come to you. That’s what works with this one. Of course it can be a bit frustrating at times because you can’t control it, but really what can you control in life? Not much besides your own experience of things. So just focus on that and appreciate what is. Sounds like that’s been working out and you’ve been having fun!
It sounds like what you’ve been doing is working, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it!

I’m sure it feels nice to have someone to concern yourself with after losing your husband. I’m curious what your relationship was like with him? I realize I know nothing about that!

How did you meet? You never had children? How was your life together?
If you want to share that is!
For one thing, I’d love to learn more about him. Another benefit is that I get to learn more about you and how your life has been, which would be nice!

xoxo
Spyce

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