[Coach Spyce]

Hello Rhonda,
I agree. It IS definitely very upsetting when family members are so distant. It sounds like unfortunately in your family, your mother ruled the roost, and that she was extremely unhappy in her life. Do you know much about how she grew up? Her parents? What her life was like before she became a mother herself? I wonder where her disappointment, fear, and need for control came from. It’s sad because she ruined the chance to have a supportive relationship with her children, and it sounds like she died holding onto that pain. I’m sorry that happened that way.

In terms of being a mom though, I’m sure you know how you have to just let things happen as they will in many cases, especially once you have adult children. If you really have a reason for concern that’s one thing, but it just might be that your son is ok with his life. Maybe it’s not what you would want for him, but it’s what he’s creating for himself. To be fair, that’s always the case with humans. We want so much for others, and while we also may want for ourselves, it’s not always so easy to manifest. So it is difficult for the others that we want to see succeed. At a certain point, we just realize life is difficult and move through it as best as we can, trying to be as happy as we can along the way.
It is too bad that Trav changed due to bullying, and hopefully one day he can work through some of that and be able to have healthier relationships. All you can do in the meantime is love him, which it sounds like you are. He is lucky to have a good mom like you!

I can understand your desire to stay at this particular job for a bit longer out of respect for the colleagues that brought you on. Since you have previous experience with them and that obviously like you, is there anything that can be done to make the position less soul crushing? Can you talk to the managers that you have a rapport with and see if they can make any changes that could help? If they truly value you, and it sounds like they do, they may be willing to at least do whatever they can to keep you satisfied. A good employee is difficult to find, and a smart employer will do what they can to keep a good employee happy!
So maybe that’s a thing?

Hope you’re feeling better 🙂
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Hope you are able to get some rest! It’s always more difficult to feel good about things when sleep patterns are messed with, so hopefully tonight is a more restful one for you.

What I always like to remember when things are in a deep state of distress is that this too shall pass. Everything always does, and when it does, pressure does tend to get relieved, at least for a time.

It sounds like your family is very controlling and manipulative. I’m sorry that you have felt alone so often, and like you didn’t have the support that you wanted, and that you deserve. I can tell that you are a very supportive and caring person, who really wants the best for people, and I commend you for keeping that kind of attitude alive, even when you have had a difficult time finding that same kind of support from others. It doesn’t always help to remember that we are stronger than most, and that’s why we are bearing the burdens that we are, but perhaps it can help a little to remember that we have gotten through many struggles in life, and that we are still here, witnessing the sunrise of a new day.

I understand feeling guilt from your sister, and from your father, but you can’ let their lifestyle affect you. I know that’s easier said than done, but it doesn’t sound like you agree with how they live, and you know that it has many failings. So no need to feel bad about not getting deeper into the narrow mindset that they live by. You have gotten yourself free of that controlling negativity, and that is a wonderful thing. You CAN choose to not engage with toxic behaviour, even if it’s your family. You are not indebted to them if they don’t treat you well. No one would fault you for walking away, and staying away, as you’ve done. As a matter of fact, many would admire you.

It sounds like you have some options with work, and that you’re absolutely an asset where you are. That being said, once you are ready to make a change there, you should be able to find offers from places where you will be more happy. I encourage you to look into that sooner than later. Is there a reason why you are sticking at your job and not starting to look now?

Glad to hear that you had a good conversation with your son. I can understand you worrying about him, you;re his mom and it’s natural that you want him to be happy. But it sounds like he’s not as unhappy as you might think he is, or as you might be in his situation. If he is content, isn’t that what matters?

Here’s hoping that a new day brings new energy, clarity, and hope for the future!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

So sorry to hear that things are tough right now! I know that you always try to be optimistic, which I really appreciate, but I know that sometimes it’s all just too much, and you just need to allow yourself to feel down.

Being alone with not much to do can definitely take its toll, and I know that with covid many people have had a hard time with that. Hopefully as things progress in that realm and you are able to get out more, you will start to feel more connected to the world again. I know that you like to stay active, so hopefully you will have more opportunities for that in the future.

I know that also being away from home so much really upsets you, but this is the first I’ve heard of you disliking your job so much. Or maybe the first time I realized how strongly you feel about it. Have you explored looking for another job? You mentioned waiting a yeat, which seems like a long time if you are that unhappy. It seems like now is also a good time when more opportunities are starting to open up again. Maybe just even taking a look could be a good thing?

I’m sorry to hear about the young guy on email, but it sounds like it wasn’t a great match anyway. But I want to commend you for taking the bull by the horns and pursuing something outside of your comfort zone! That kind of attitude will always help, even if it didn’t turn into anything in this particular instance.

The family situation sounds rough. I’m sorry that your son is unemployed and feeling down, but you never know how life can and will change quickly, so maybe something will transpire to transform his circumstances. With just the right job for example, he could meet a whole new social circle and be in a different place now in a few months. You just never know. Does he have a therapist? Or are there any ways that he could meet new friends? Is he open to that? Or does he see it as an issue? Sometimes we worry about people because of how we think that we would feel in the situation when they are perfectly happy with things as is.

In terms of your sister and dad, I can see how that could be very upsetting, especially given that you haven’t been too connected to them over the years, and now that she is feeling the strain, is demanding help. It’s also totally unreasonable to ask you for money that you don’t have, when your father has the money necessary for his care, and she refuses to spend it. She, nor he, must not need it that much!
Please don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about that. They definitely don’t sound like they need your financial help, and she is just trying to make you feel badly.

I’ve seen this happen often when people have to take care of an elderly parent and they won’t do what’s in the parent’s best interest because the parent isn’t giving explicit permission to do so. But typically, the parent isn’t in their right head to do so, and is relying on their child to make that decision for them. If your sister has been the one in this position all along, it’s a little too little too late to ask you to step in now. So as mentioned, I would just have firm boundaries with her and not let yourself get drawn in.

Remember that you’re a good person! Everyone has bad days and it sounds like there’s a lot piling up on you right now. Try to take some time to care for yourself instead of everyone else. You are the most important person in your life, at least you should be!

Hope things improve sooner than later!!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Danielle,

Thanks for reaching out on the forum! It’s a great place to get your questions answered!

There are many reasons why someone says that they want to do something and then they don’t follow through. It could any number of things.
He could be busy at work, busy at home, busy with life, etc.
He could be an alcoholic, partying with his friends, just drove his car into a ditch, etc.
He could be a player, not interested, just likes to tell women that he’s interested so he can see their response.
He could just be a tool, an ass, a jerk, or just a flake.

But what it comes down to, is how are you going to respond to it. What do you want? What are you looking for? What are you willing to handle? What are your own boundaries, dealbreakers, etc?

Figuring out all of those is key while meeting people for potential relationships. You have to know what you want so that way you can set the tone for how you want to be treated. If you don’t want to be involved with someone who will flake like that, forget him. Doesn’t sound like you even know the guy and there’s plenty of men coming down the pike.

If it’s irritating now, probably a good sign to not pursue it?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Denitria,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! So sorry to heat that you are going through this painful situation. It’s always so difficult when someone disconnects and won’t communicate nor give space for closure. You are not wrong for being upset or asking for focus and attention. It’s very hard when someone changes and is no longer committed to working on the relationship. From there, you have to figure out how to best move forward.

It sounds like while you’ve been in connection with this man for the last 3.5 years, I am wondering what’s been happening during that time. How did you meet? How did you start dating? Was he committed to working on things at one point? It sounds like there have been some issues that have arisen in this time that you’ve been in each other’s lives. Have you been able to work through things in the past or have they mostly been swept under the rug? It sounds like he might be holding onto some resentment.

Either way, it sounds like he is not willing to face whatever is happening between the two of you right now and is trying to get away from it, and/or take some space. If he’s blocked you and hasn’t opened your email, he is giving a clear signal that he is not open right now to having any kind of interaction with you. Unfortunately, you may just need to wait at this point.

How does that feel for you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Of course! You deserve to be listened to and appreciated. I really wish that you didn’t have to have gone through this experience, but hopefully there was some silver lining out of the whole situation….can you think of one?
Is there any way that this taught you anything about yourself? Your relationship patterns? How things could go the next time?

You did nothing wrong, and you are a good person. I’m sure that there will be someone else out there who will treat you well in the way that you deserve. I hope that you believe and know that deep down, even if it doesn’t feel that way now. William was not the nest that you can get, nor was he what you deserve. He didn’t leave because you weren’t enough, he left because he’s not enough. Please don’t forget that!

Now tell me a few nice things that you plan to do for yourself in the upcoming future!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

I feel your sadness and I just want you to know that you are not wrong in this situation. I have said it before and I will say it again, this has nothing to do with your worth and everything to do with his.

Unfortunately you are dealing with people who are broken, unhappy, and not in a place to help you feel better, because they feel so bad themselves.
You can’t expect his ex to give you any clear answers. I’m sure that he did her dirty as well, so why would she want to help you? He probably treated her like crap too. I’m sure she doesn’t have the ability to be kind to you, or even honest. And even if she’s trying her best, it’s still just her own experience and perspective, which is of course, biased.
His best friend…well I’m sure he’s another winner. And his loyalties lie with William, not you. He is not going to tell you anything that William doesn’t want him to. Why would he?

I know that you’re hurting and that you want answers, but the truth may be that there is no answer, at least no good answer. You say that you want him to tell you “the truth”. But what exactly are you hoping to hear? the truth about what?

As soon as you started writing to me you said that he said things along the lines of…He loves you, he will always love you, but he’s no good for you and for anyone else. He will just hurt you, he’s a broken person, etc. So that’s the truth, and he’s already told you that. What else do you want to know?

Everything else has come from you asking him time and again why. Because of your patterns of low self esteem, on some level you want to hear him say that yes, you’re the reason. That you’re a bad person, a bad partner, not worthy, and that way your self fulfilling prophecy can come true. But that’s not true. The truth is what I, and he, have been telling you from the beginning. He is broken. You can’t fix him. You tried, and it just broke your heart.
Unfortunately, that’s the bottom line.

You have to try and move on. I know it’s hard, but you have to know that you are worth more than this. That you did nothing wrong. That you are a decent person and a good catch. That you deserve to be loved and that this man is not capable of giving you that love. Not because of you, but because he’s not capable of giving that to anyone. Do you think that he’s going to have happily ever after with some new woman that he met five minutes ago? He’s not. He’s going to break her heart and every woman after her until he makes the changes within himself that he needs to make.

I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this, but you have to stop blaming yourself and looking for answers that lead to the idea that this is somehow your fault. It’s not.

Please take care of yourself. Reach out to friends, do something nice for yourself. Read a book, take a bath, eat some ice cream. Whatever it takes to feel ok and get through the day. And in time, you will start to feel better. And in more time, you will be able to love again.

I promise you. You’re a good person, Michelle. Don’t this man’s inabilities to be a decent human being tell you otherwise.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

How are things going for you? I have to say that from reading your story, I do agree with Heidi that it doesn’t sound like something worth pursuing. Sometimes you just have to let things go and know that something better is right around the corner, and will come to you when you are open to it. Just the way that you met this guy randomly online, you could meet someone else who actually wants to be in a relationship and connect with you.

There could be many reasons he is not engaged with you, and they have nothing to do with you, but could be more about where he is in his life. Is he recently divorced or separated? He has said that he’s been burned before, so he’s admitting that he’s not available for something with you. Chasing him is not going to help.

I really hope that you can move on and realize that it’s not you, it’s him.

Let us know how it’s going!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laurie,

I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this! I know how much of a betrayal this feels like, and also how shocking it is. Of course you are having a hard time accepting this. You’ve known this man intimately for two years. You considered him your partner, and felt a deep connection with him. You believed that the time that you spent together was coming from a genuine place, and why wouldn’t you? You had no reason to believe or think otherwise.
To discover this out of the blue is such a blow.

I know that this makes you feel like you were naive and foolish for not knowing this was going on, but please don’t put that on yourself. What this man did is actually psychopathic and for you to even suspect such an outlandish thing would be asking a lot. To be fair, he’s probably been doing this for a long time, and so he is obviously very good at hiding it. But I imagine that he’s been caught before. I can’t believe that he’s done this his entire adult life without consequence, but who knows? Maybe he has.

In terms of this being a rejection, once again I have to say that this man has a sickness. What he is doing is very wrong, and has nothing to do with you or your self worth. That’s getting into the mindset of thinking that we can change someone who is an abuser. Maybe if I was nicer, prettier, more understanding, blah blah, then he would change and love me. The fact is that he is not a good person, and you don’t want him to want you. But I do know that’s hard to come to terms with as it goes against the experiences that you’ve been having with him the past two years.

In terms of what you should do, there are few ways to think about it. First question, do you feel safe telling him in person? You thought that you knew him, but now it’s apparent that you don’t. So that would be important to think deeply on. If you do decide to talk in person, I would recommend doing so in a public place.

He is actively pursuing someone that you know in your small community…wow. It’s almost like he’s asking to be caught. Truth be told, he may be. Many times when someone is wrapped up in an elaborate lie such as this, they secretly cream of being found out so that they can not have to lie anymore. It’s a lot of work and mental energy to always keep up with a charade such as this. If you have told your mutual friend, do you think that she will tell the friend about him? That could be a good plan.

Whatever you do, don’t be surprised if he acts very remorseful, gets upset, and tries to convince you that somehow this is a misunderstanding. That is a common thing that liars do, and they will be the most remorseful to whoever catches them, and try to woo them back and get them on their side. You have to stay strong and recognize that he is lying to you, and has been cheating on you with multiple women in a significant way. I’m sorry but that’s the painful truth.

Please keep me posted on what happens and know that I am here for you. You are a strong and intelligent woman, and you did nothing wrong. Don’t forget that!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

How are you doing? I’m wondering how you found out for certain that he is “with someone else”? You said that “you learned so much about him the past couple of days”. Did something happen?
How did you get this info?

Regardless of how or what it is, I am glad that you were able to find out more about who he really is. I know it doesn’t feel good to learn that he’s been lying to you, and I’m sorry that you have to go thru this pain, but I am glad to hear that you are getting the necessary information that can help you to move on.

I just don’t want you thinking that this is anything to do with you, and it sounds like you know that. After all, he has a history of cheating and treating women poorly, so that is on him, not you. That is obviously who he is, and that on top of all of the other things about him that make him a broken mess…well you certainly dodged a bullet!

It’s so difficult when someone comes to you from your past and tries to entice you with memories of what once was, or even more so, what you always thought could be and never happened. Unfortunately men prey on women who they once had a connection with, and they go to them after they have spent years screwing up their lives. They try to get back into that woman’s good graces, to make themselves feel like maybe they really aren’t that bad. But once it becomes apparent that all of their issues are still there, they then want to blame the most immediate woman, when obviously it has nothing to do with her at all.

Now he is moving onto a new victim. I feel bad for the next woman to get caught up with him. He’s really no good.

So my concern is how are you feeling now? And what are you doing to care for yourself during this time? The last thing I want is for you to feel regret, sadness, shame, blame, or bad in anyway. What are you doing to keep your head up? What are your plans for the immediate future?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Yes, TV and media is a magnificent thing, used to fill our heads up with ideas and crazy notions about things. Reality shows can have a sense of reality to them, and while they may not be totally 100% made up, there is much that is created behind the scenes from what’s in front of the camera. They are still fun to watch tho! I do like dating shows, they are fun for research!

I can relate to your work situation as I have worked in projects with many moving parts and to be able to keep everyone on the same page can be tough. Having someone like you who is very helpful and a great problem solver is a wonderful boon to your company. I hope they know how lucky they are, and treat you well accordingly!

Rollerblading Rhonda! Wow! Is there anything sporty that you CAN’T do? I am so impressed! The right man is going to have his socks knocked off one of these days. Except if it’s the right man, I think he’ll be wearing flip flops and right next to you at the helm steering the ship 🙂

Talk soon!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tara,

How is it going? We haven’t heard from you in awhile and I just wanted to check in and see what was happening! If you are anything like me, a LOT could have happened in the last week or 2, or maybe nothing at all, but I still am curious to hear of any new developments in your relationship world.

Do tell 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laurie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting! Well that’s quite a story but unfortunately, not an uncommon one. Sadly there are many men doing this kind of thing who are not being truthful about their lives and are downright psychotically lying to many women. I am so glad that you found out!

I know that you are heartbroken, but are you angry at all? There is a lot at stake here…I mean for one thing, we are in a pandemic and traveling with people and lying to them about who you are spending time with (especially someone in the medical industry) is pretty outrageous. But then on top of that, there’s your sexual health. Which if you’re sleeping with him and not using protection, is a huge violation that pre-dates anything covid wise! And if he’s telling all these other women the same thing, he is doing the same things with them as well. It’s really so incredibly awful behaviour.

What exactly do you want? Your letter starts out by saying your heartbroken and ends with you saying you want to graciously address this. It feels to me like you want to be talked out of this by him. Like you’re hoping there could be a reasonable explanation for this. That of course is the fantasy, but this is all too obvious to be anything but what it is. A liar and a cheat. I’m so very sorry.

You sound like a lovely person and I commend you not wanting to be hateful, but this is all inexcusable and I can’t imagine not telling this person off and dropping them from my life, so I want to know what feelings you are having about it, because they may be different. And it’s important for you to have closure with this in the way that’s going to feel good for you. So I want to learn more about moving forward, and what you’re hoping to get out of the confrontation that you need to have with him.

Have you talked since the trip where you found this out?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

Well I guess the thing is that this all bothers me too. I really dislike when someone goes from so hot to so cold, and refuses connection, closure, clarity. To me it’s not only immature, it’s rude and actually pretty darn cruel. Now if you were some young woman who just went out with a guy for a few weeks/months and then this happened, I’d say, “just let him go, girl”. And while unfortunately that IS the only thing I can really see you doing, it is pretty disheartening because of your history with him.

That’s why I just feel like this man is beyond broken. He is so incredibly broken that he is willing to not only lose the love of his life, but to treat her unkindly in the process. To say that he’s breaking up with you because he doesn’t approve of your relationship with your children is really out of line and not compassionate at all. As your partner, he should be supporting you so that you feel more resourced and better able to handle your children. Not chastising you for not doing it like he would. Which if how he has treated you is any indication of how he treats people that he loves, I doubt I’d be impressed with his parenting skills either.

The fact that he said to “never contact him again” is just so hurtful and disrespectful, and downright ridiculously immature. Is he 12? Come on now!
I do think your gut instinct of him making up someone that he’s talking to is spot on. He’s desperately trying to push you away, because he is so darn terrified. Unfortunately, he is more afraid of facing his fears than he is of losing you. It’s easier for him to stay in a hell of his own making, because he’s been in it for so long and so comfortable, than it is to branch out and deal with the realities of life.

You have had a LOT of care and compassion for him, but what has he had for you? He supposedly has been your closest friend, but what he is doing now is not something a friend would ever do. The only way someone would do that to someone that they care about, is when they are so incredibly devastated inside themselves, which is what is so obvious from everything you’ve told me about him.

I know that you are hurting and missing him deeply. I know that you want to believe that one day he will return, and who knows? I’m a coach but I’m not that psychic (unless I start pulling out the tarot cards!) so I can’t say for sure. Refresh my memory…has he ever done this before and come back?

But at this point, it’s just not healthy for you to keep focusing on that. I know that you feel guilty and like you could have done more, but you did nothing wrong. Being friends with an ex is ok in a healthy relationship where there is trust and support. The sad truth is, your relationship with him was never that healthy. There’s no way it can be. He is not healthy, and you my dear sweet lady, are reacting to lots of trauma from your past.

I still don’t know most of what you dealt with as a young person/child, but I know life hasn’t always been easy and supportive for you. So it’s natural to be attracted to people who are not really there for you in some way. It’s ok. But I want you to be with someone who adores and cherishes you. Maybe he feels that way about you, but he doesn’t have the resources inside to show you that. But it’s not because of anything that you did or didn’t do. He had many years of living life without you, and he got all kinds of messed up in the process. None of that is your fault, but you are dealing with the fall out of that.

You have to get to the point where you don’t see his relationship as a gift, you see it as a burden. That might take some time, but I’d like you to think on that a bit. Because as mentioned, I can’t say that he’s going to respond, or that he’s not.
But what I do know, is that you can’t sit around waiting for someone to choose you over their pain. No matter how much they love you, they will choose the pain every time.

So that’s what we really have to work on. You getting to the point where you can realize that, and move on to knowing that you can have love and connection in this world in a healthy way with someone who chooses that with you.

It may take awhile, but I’m here for you as long as you need me.
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Well it sounds like you learned a lot from your relationships so that’s a good thing! You learned what to accept and what not to, and while it’s no fun to be single, it’s better than having to deal with a bad relationship!
In some sense you have to be glad that you hit that rock bottom because if you hadn’t, you might still be dealing with abusive jersk, so that’s at least something to be grateful for!

As far as I know, most reality shows are pretty…unreal. As a matter of fact, there’s a show with that title, that’s a scripted show, but is all about that industry. The producers are running a show that’s very much like the Bachelor/Bachelorette and it goes behind the scenes of what they are dealing with, and what they are doing to make the shows successful. It’s pretty scandalous, but if you like that sort of thing, it might be worth a watch!

Also, I have a friend who has worked in TV for many years. When we were younger, I was always trying to see how I could get on a reality show and she always talked me out of it, letting me know that it didn’t matter who you were…the producers’ jobs were to make you look whatever way they wanted for ratings. It’s a crazy business!

But if you have fun watching the show, no harm in that 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Author]

Posts