[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

First off, don’t be sorry, at least not to me…but not to anyone! You have been a really upstanding and understanding person in this situation, and I really feel for you. I am sorry that this is happening, and to be honest, I’m starting to feel not very kindly towards “William” right now either…

As mentioned, I don’t think that he has the ability to be a partner to anyone, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that aspect. But whehter he does i=or not, you have to start thinking of him as someone that you don’t want to be with.
I do think now that you have to let it go, and try to move on as best as you can. We can’t know when or if you will hear from him, and you can’t spend everyday waiting. You just have to move on.

So here are a couple of tips for that…

1. Allow yourself to feel sad: The more you mourn something, the more that you can let it go. The more that you really feel something, the more that you can move through it and get to the other side. It’s ok and perfectly normal to feel sad.

2. Rediscover yourself: All of us make sacrifices to be with the person we love, and I know that you made your share in this situation. If there are any activities that you’d given up while you were in the relationship, go back to them now. It will help you recapture that person you were before the relationship. While I know this may seem hard given your history, you have to get back to feeling good without him in your life.

3. Go easy on yourself: I see that you might have a hard time with this one, and I want to remind you again how important this is. Don’t overanalyze what you did wrong or what you could have done better. Know that you did the best you could, and that you’re a good person.

Whatever you do, you want to take the time to process the entire relationship so you can heal and move forward. Take time to reflect on the situation by journaling, meditating, or speaking with friends and family members. Writing to us here is good as well, and seeing a therapist if you can may help as well.

We are here for you, and will keep reminding you that you’re a wonderful person!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Desiree,

Thanks for sharing more info! Now I have a better idea of where you are coming from…what is sounds like is classic fear. If he’s been in love with you for many years, and maybe always felt like you where the one who “got away”, it’s going to be difficult for him to believe now that you are truly into him.

So I guess that’s my other question…are you truly into him? Some people say that when you see someone as a friend it takes something to change that to romance. What changed for you with him? Is it purely time and being more mature? Going through the wringer of life and getting a new perspective with him? If so, what is that perspective that you see? What do you like about your relationship with him?

The other thing to always look at, as mentioned, is the person’s availability for a healthy relationship, and yours as well. What have you learned from your past relationships? What have his past relationships been like? They didn’t work out, but there is a lot of gray area in there.

I’m just asking all of this, because where someone is at in life can greatly determine the health and feasibility of your desired relationship. Love, is just simply not enough unfortunately, because love means so many different things to people across the board. So if he’s not really ready for a relationship for a variety of reasons, he’s going to get terrified when it starts to feel like the relationship is impending. And then he will pull away.

Also many times in these situations the men don’t want to admit that they are scared, broken, not ready, etc as it will feel like failure. And if they’ve had a thing for you for a long time, it will feel like a long anticipated and much larger failure, because it’s based on years and years of build up and desire. So none of this can be taken lightly.

That’s the first step I see here…really getting clear on not only what both of you truly want in your life, but what you are ready to commit to, work towards and live with. Once you figure that out, you can then proceed with caution if it seems like it will work.

Does this make sense to you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I’m glad to hear that you were able to break off those relationships when you saw that they weren’t giving you what you wanted. Way too many women stay in relationships for way too long for all the wrong reasons.

Often times they think that he’s going to change, or change back to the way that he was when they first met. Sometimes people get entangled very quickly and then feel like they have to be with the person for a myriad of typically unrealistic reasons. It doesn’t sound like you’re doing any of this, so kudos!

But I know that it’s tough to meet someone great and that’s real…

What about referrals from friends? Do you have many married girlfriends? If you do, maybe see if any of their husbands have a friend, or know of someone. People in relationships always like to set up their single friends!

Have you tried that?

Hope things are going well!

[Coach Spyce]

Yes girl, how is that list coming to remind yourself of all the ways he’s NOT good for you?! Getting long yet?

Not trying to poke fun, but I can tell that you know now how messy and immature he is, and how much better you deserve. I’m so glad that you have “seen the light” because I can just tell that you will be on to sooooo much bigger and better before too long in your life.

I love that you are using our emails as feel good mantras! Want to share any that are working?
I can think of a few myself!

And yes, what does talking to him give you? It doesn’t bring you joy, happiness, care, satisfaction…none of the good stuff! So yes, do not be tempted to contact you. He is never going to be there for you because he doesn’t know how. He’s a big baby, pure and simple. I’m sure that’s not sexy!

I’m also really glad to see that you are not taking his inabilities personally. You are clear that this is not about you, and that his issues are very well deep seated and were there before he even met you! That’s WHY you ever got together in the first place. He is living out an unhealthy dynamic with you, this other woman, and while I’m not sure where it comes from (mommy complex, maybe?), I don’t really care and neither need you anymore.

Let him someone else’s mess to clean up. You’re off to the races!

xoxo

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

I am so so sorry to hear this update. I really do think though that there is more going on here. Let’s just look at things a bit more clearly, shall we?

First off, I want to let you know that this is NOT about you and your self worth, or how he feels about you. Believe me, I see women in love with men who don’t give a crap about them all the time, and yes I know that you have just told me your side, but I can tell that this is not what’s going on here.

I hear that you have low self esteem, and it’s your pattern to assume that you are not loved, desired, or worthy. So of course it’s natural when anything that feels like rejection happens, you are going to turn towards the idea that it’s just because you’re not loveable enough to make the person do whatever it is that they are not doing. Do you know where this comes from? If you’re not sure, think back to when this feeling arose in you, and you may find that something happened to you earlier in life to make you feel that way. But as real as it may feel now, it doesn’t have to be what the reality now is.

This man, “William”, is severely broken. Even back when you first knew each other, he didn’t have the ability to be strong in his convictions and ask for what he wanted. He had low self esteem too, because he didn’t think that you wanted him back then even. He waited so many years to be truthful about his feelings because he was terrified of having the chance to be with you, and to fail. And now he has.

He has been through a lot, I will give him that, but it sounds like your life has not been a walk in the park either. But you are willing to push past your fears and to face love, head on. He, unfortunately, is too petrified to do that same thing, so instead he will push you away and slink back to his unfulfilling life. It’s really sad. But it’s not about you.

Of course it’s easier to run away than it is to face everything that your love makes him have to look at in himself. A life of happiness, a life of commitment, a life of facing his fears head on. Growth and healing is scary, and he has so much to do that it feels too daunting. At this point though, that’s what you represent to him. A beautiful life that he doesn’t feel like he deserves or can live up to.

Him saying that he’s talking with someone else is just a tactic he is using to push you away because so far, nothing else has worked. This man is so not ready for a relationship, he would only find another severely broken person and it would never work out. But in reality, that’s part of the problem. He’s not actually available for a relationship, with anyone and unfortunately, not with you either. So even though he may desperately want you, he feels like he is doing the only admirable thing by pushing you away. Because if he didn’t, he would hurt you more than he can bear.

I’m so sorry that this is happening and that he is not able to step out of the fear and move forward with you. So what can you do now?

As much as it will hurt, I do think that you have to try and give things a rest for awhile. I am a big fan of the letter. Are you open to that idea?
If so, I would reccomend sending him a really heartfelt and open letter where you acknowledge all of this. Acknowledge his pain, his fear, his trauma. Show him that you understand by not making it about you, or his lack of feelings for you. Let him know that you want to work through this with him and that you’re willing to help, as long as he is willing to go the distance with you. Remind him that you are willing to go the distance with him too.

I would try that and see how he responds. Don’t do this via a phone call, or even a text where you can get into a back and forth. Do this in an email or even snail mail, and then see what happens.

I can’t promise that it will do anything but you will get an answer. Either he responds well and you can move forward, he responds poorly and/or he doesn’t respond at all and you have to work on the letting go process.

Whatever happens, I want you to know that you will be ok. Because no matter how it feels, there is nothing that’s happening here that is any reflection of you. You are a wonderful person who is giving their all, and that’s a beautiful thing. If this man can’t work on his own healing to receive the gift that you’re offering, it’s really on you. Please remember that.

I am rooting for you, let me know how it goes!!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

Thank you so much for sharing more of your story. I undersyand that it was difficult for you to be that vulnerable, and I really appreciate and commend you for opening up. Of course you are not bothering me, or anyone else on this forum! We are here to help, and are happy to. As coaches, we have seen it all, and my reasoning to be in this line of work is to have the privilege to help women like you achieve happy and healthy, sustainable relationships. That’s what I want for you, so please don’t ever feel like you’re a burden. You’re not.

I can tell how heartbreaking this is for you. I can feel your pain leaping off the screen and I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult experience with William.

You have a long-standing yearning with this man, and a pining away that has gone on for decades now. Of course when you have an unrequited feeling like that for so long, when you finally DO have the opportunity to live it out, you want to try and do that at any cost. But sometime the cost is very great, and the participants may not feel like they can afford it, or that they even have the ability to do what needs to be done.

You and William also have a history of not being true with your emotions about each other. I assume that insecurities have gotten in the way, and they are continuing to. Obviously William has been through hell and back, and it sounds like you have not been far behind. I’m sorry to hear about the drug issues with your children’s father, as well as the abusive relationship that you were in. It can be very difficult in life to find the people who can truly be there for you, and I can understand feeling like William can be the one to give that to you.

But I do agree that you did move in too fast, and meshing your lives together in the present based on the connection that you’d had in the past can be a recipe for stress and misunderstanding. For him to take on being a father to your kids is a lot, and if you have different ways of handling them that you didn’t discuss, that is going to cause much drama. In reality, it’s not fair for him to be mad at you with how you are with your kids, but if he’s in your lives trying to be a father figure to them as well, it does start to become his business. I can see how that would be stressful.

Also, it just sounds lije hs is dealing with so much of his own inner turmoil. He loves you, but is scared. Of himself, of love, of making the changes that he will have to make to be in a relationship…to opening up, to being vulnerable. So many things. He’s confused, obviously. He loves and cares for your deeply. But he doesn’t feel confident that he can be the man that you need, and that he knows that you deserve. The last thing that he wants is to disappoint you.

So what can you do? There is so much here and it is difficult to address it all, but I wonder if he is open to therapy? A men’s group? Is there someone that he can talk to? I am not sure how deeply you can go with him when he’s so scared and confused. You are not a professional or unbiased. You are a woman who loves him, and you can only do so much.

This all sounds so painful and I am truly sorry that you are going through this. I am honored to be here for you through all of this as you navigate this situation. I don’t have all the answers, but I will support you as best as I can.

I want you to have the love that you desire, but I also want you to feel whole and happy in general, because he may not have the capacity right now to give you that.

What do you think would help you right now?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Caroline,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out!

So he’s 46? Run, girl! That man ain’t changing! Reading through this I was thinking that this was some guy in his 20’s so tha should tell you something right there!
He sounds very lazy and if you are saying that he’s super handsome, he’s probably not used to having to work too hard to get women to fawn all over him. A man like that is never going to be the hero for you. Ad a matter of fact, it sounds like he can’t even be the hero for himself!

Looks fade, chemistry fades, and as you said, actions speak louder than words and when it comes to action, it doesn’t sound like he’s taking any. If after only a couple of months he’s not making any effort, he’s not going to suddenly change and start. This is who he is. You know that expression…when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Believe him, believe me, believe yourself. This man is not worth your time.

Your question: Should I continue to invest time, energy and emotions or move on?

You sound like a smart woman and I think you know the answer…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Desiree,

Thanks for reaching out! I have to say that this story is becoming more common everyday! Now with the internet, it’s much easier for romance to rekindle, AND it is quite the fairytale when it does. It’s always so exciting to be back in touch with someone who you loved and never got to have the full experience with. So I can understand and appreciate how alluring this can be.

There are some pitfalls, however. Usually in these kinds of situations, there are unrealistic ideals built up about who someone is, based on who they used to be. In the here and now, that’s not always accurate to who they are now. So really delving into that is important.

That being said, please share more about where you and him both are in your life in terms of your relationships. Have you been married? Recently divorced? What about him?

All of these questions can help determine the path forward and the validity of the relationship.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Glad to hear that you are your guy are working thru things! Being able to talk openly about your emotions and triggers is so important. Being able to recognize patterns, and realize when you are triggered and acting from that place, is also really beneficial.
If you can have all of those elements, you have all the makings of a great relationship!

But yes, the hardest part is when you ARE in the middle of a triggered situation. At that point, it can be really difficult to be clear and realize that whatever is happening now is not the same as what was happening in the past, and you don’t have to treat it like such.
Sounds like he’s been very hurt in the past in relationships, and so he is afraid to trust someone new. So when he feels scared, he just wants to push you away.

But if you are sticking in there with each other, then that should help this to be successful. I’m sure there will still be much work ahead of you as life is full of triggers. But if you’re able to handle it with ease and grace, and not run away when the going gets tough, I have high hopes that you guys can be successful!

Let us know how things go!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

While it does sound uncomfortable and sad, I am SO glad that you had such an eye opening experience with him! It IS amazing how just a bit of distance from someone can show us just how crazy and messed up something/one is, and reveal what a burden they are to our psyche and actual physical life.

I’m glad that you are getting to see the real him finally. I have to say that it sounds like he’s been this way for awhile, but everyone needs to hit their breaking point and I’m glad that you hit yours. I agree that he is NOT worth your time and effort, and you deserve way more than that man-child could give you. He is broken and messy, and you can and will have much better. I can tell from our conversations that you are a high quality person. You are an amazing partner and you will find someone who can match you! As soon as you stop wasting time with someone who is nowhere up to snuff.

That being said, I fully support the no contact rule. If you feel like contacting him, ask yourself: What am I going to get from contacting him? What’s in it for me?

It doesn’t sound like he’s much of a giver, and he’s into a whole lotta taking. So is there anything in it for you to interact with him? Keep reminding yourself of this last experience with him, and rejoice in the fact that you are no longer saddled with him!

And then…celebrate! You’re free 🙂

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jasmine,

Congrats on doing the strong, but doesn’t necessarily feel good thing, and NOT contacting him! I hope that you can keep that up. It doesn’t sound like this is a healthy or happy relationship that you’re in, and that you’re continuing to put yourself in a situation where you will be rejected by contacting him. That doesn’t feel good!

It sounds like you are constantly going against your boundaries, and doing whatever you need to do to engage with him, even though he is barely engaging with you. You didn’t want to text and wanted to have an important conversation with him in order to get your needs met, and he was totally disrespectful and uncaring.

This guy does NOT deserve the time of day from you. What is drawing you back and what do you need to do to remember to stay away from him?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It sounds like a very intense experience that you have there. It always feels so magical when you reconnect with someone from the past. We get transported back to the time when we met them…when we were younger, less jaded, less baggage, more hope. Being around a person like that makes us feel young again, and like we can forget all of the negative things that happened in the years while we were apart.
That’s why rekindling with a lost love feels so intoxicating.

But you do have to keep in mind a few things, and one of them is to examine what the person has been doing in the years that you were apart. How hav they grown, and/or not grown. Are they the same person, or have they changed? And is that for the better or for the worse?

So I’m curious what was happening in the years that you lost touch. You obviously were with someone and had children. How did that go?
What about him? Was he married?

Another aspect to consider is that you jumped into being together very quickly, and assumed many things of each other based on your history. To be fair, you didn’t really know each other and what you are like in the here and now, which is obviously super important. Now that you are learning more about each other, are you compatible?

You say that you love him, but what about him exactly? I don’t have a clear sense from you as to what is driving you in this relationship beyond nostalgia.

Can you share a bit more? All of these details are so important as you need to look at where you’ve been to determine the best path forward.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Brooke,

Thanks for reaching out to us here and welcome! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been dealing with this painful experience. I’m sure it does feel like a huge rejection when you sleep with someone and then they don’t want a relationship.

But what I’m wondering is more info about how you meet people, in what context, and how transparent you are about what you are wanting and needing. Here’s the thing: many men are opportunistic (to be fair, it’s a human nature thing!) and so if given an opportunity to hit it and quit it, they just might. And that’s not on you. But it might be evident in the men that you are picking to spend time with.

If you meet someone online, and you don’t have a forthright conversation with them about what you want, they may assume that all you want is sex as well. If you sleep with them without having this conversation, and just hope that if you sleep with them they will magically want a relationship, you will likely wind up very disappointed, time and again.

I’m sure that you’re a lovely person and that there are men out there who would love to be with you. But you have to be forthright about what you’re looking for, and not sleep with someone unless it’s been established that you’re on the same page.

Does that make sense? Let me know more about how things are going for you and I can give better advice!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I’m curious to hear more about the man who wanted a relationship that you walked away from? How did you meet? What happened? Why didn’t it work?

Hope you’re having a fun day out in the sun!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kristina,

It sounds like this man is extremely confused. On one hand, he really cares for you and it’s obvious that you have chemistry and love between you. On the other hand, it sounds like he has a myriad of issues with not only his own lifestyle, but also triggers from the past that are being brought up by connecting with someone who he really could have a good relationship with.
It’s sad, but it’s also something that only he can change.

It just seems like you are bending over backwards and trying to do your best to be exactly what he needs at every moment, but what he needs is to work on his issues for himself, and it’s not something that you can do for him. No matter what you say or do, he will still have years of his own personal demons that he will have to commit to working on, and then actually do the work to be stable enough to have a healthy and sustainable relationship.

So I’m cautious to advise you to find just the right thing to say in the hopes that it will somehow create change with these deep issues that he is carrying because then it puts the responsibility on you when it’s not up to you.
All you can do is change yourself.

Are there any of your own personal issues where you feel like you need help navigating, or is it all things where you see things in him?
Focusing on you is going to be much more beneficial in this situation than to try and help him.

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