[Coach Spyce]

Unfortunately for many people who are running dating services as a business, it is just that, a business. So they don’t really care about the people that they are serving, and that really doesn’t work well with a business based on matters of the heart. In order to be a good matchmaker, relationship coach, or anyone in this field, you HAVE to care about your clients. But to be honest, I’ve heard of this kind of attitude quite often with matchmaking services, which is why I usually tell my clients to steer clear of them. I just can’t say I’ve met anyone who has had good luck. So don’t feel too bad about that!

I am not sure exactly what facebook groups to look in as they are so personalized but it seems like there is a group for anything under the sun, so I’d say just search for whatever seems interesting and you never know what you’ll find! Meetup is a good spot too, but it sounds like you’re not finding too much on there? Maybe join a few more groups and see what other kinds of events people are having. Even just a basic social event or movie night could be a good way to meet people.

Because in reality, you sound like a very friendly person who could literally meet someone anywhere! So it just sounds like the issue is meeting the people who are single and looking for dating opportunities. Yes that is more common if you’re going to a “singles event” but that old cliche does have some truth to it. You know, the one about how it’ll happen when you’re least looking for it? I think it’s a combo of being open, putting yourself in spaces where you might find someone, and then just relaxing and doing you!

Anything wrong with that plan? 😉

[Coach Spyce]

Ha! Why would anyone brag about having a bunch of stodgy old men who want to tell you what to do at your disposal, lol?! Most of those men are going to be set in their ways, which doesn’t sound like a match for someone who is as active and adventurous as you are. Well it wasn’t a fit, now you know! It sounded like they were the only game in town, but maybe you can find something else in the area when you’re back around.
Or somewhere else!

Despite what I said above about the older men in the matchmaking service who sounded boring as all get out, I do believe that age really is only a number. In reality, it’s all about your interests, energy level, and personality. There are men in their 30s who are more mature than men in their 50s, and men in their 60s who are more adventurous than men in their 30s! So I think it really depends on the person!
Also, the older generation of men were raised in a much more reserved way. They were taught to be the providers and were not taught to respect a woman who outgoing, assertive, and independent. So that right there might be part of the disconnect that you experience with men your age.

That being said, there’s nothing wrong with seeing who you connect with, and not focusing on how old they are but rather how feel around them and how much you enjoy their company. Of course you can have your limit, but I feel like at a certain point, a good 20 years in any direction is not only permissible, but can be very successful!

The outdoor adventures when you’re home sound like fun too and a great place to meet a fit and sporty man with some common interests who can keep us. Let us know how it goes 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

It’s good that you understand him well and can give him the space that he needs without taking it personally. It also is good to balance that understanding with care for yourself, and speaking up about your own needs. That is super important! The more balanced a relationship is, the healthier it will be, and the more sustainable it becomes. Having clear communication is so important in ensuring this all comes about.

But sometimes, well almost all the time, when someone is triggered it’s difficult to have clear communication happen. So I’d recommend talking to him at a time when he’s not stressed. Let him know that you’d like to discuss how to improve your communication so that way you guys can make it work.
If you feel like you can have this discussion without feeling upset, ask him to talk in depth about his fears and insecurities. Be there for him and let him unload. Many men, and especially when they are quite a bit older, feel like they have to always be the protector and the one in control. They have to do all of the work, and the woman is the soft receptor. Allow him to be soft and vulnerable. It sounds like he is open to talking with you, so I’d say to take advantage of that.

And when he’s in this place of trust with you, tell him about what you need. Not in a blaming way that indicates that he’s not giving it to you in someway, but just in a very relaxed and calm way.

Hopefully having some of these kinds of conversations will enable you to get closer, and over some of the humps that you’re currently experiencing.

Let me know how it goes!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laura,

Sounds like things are moving along nicely and that you’re doing a good job taking care of yourself! Heidi is really great at empowering women to stand up and care for themselves well, so I’m glad that she’s been able to be here with you through this rough patch.

I know it’s hard, but it sounds like you’re on the other side, or at least starting to get there. You moved out, and you are staying strong. Good for you!

Of course it’s not surprising that he’s messaging you. From what I gathered, you are way too good for him and out of his league in terms of maturity and what you give in a relationship. He was lucky to have you, and soon, if he doesn’t already, he’s going to realize how big he messed up. You should be ready for that, because he is likely going to try to get you back. He is used to having his way, and just saying he’s sorry and is forgiven. You can do that if you want, but I think you know where that will lead.

So I greatly encourage you to prep for that now, so that way you can feel confident and resourced when he tries to make you feel bad for him, or guilty for standing up for yourself and not being willing to settle anymore. Believe me, I’m a big fan of working on things and I think it was wonderful that the 2 of you went to therapy, but both people have to be committed to change in order for things to work, and from things you’ve said, I don’t know that he has the capacity to change. Or if he does, he will truly need to hit rock bottom in order to make those changes on his own. I’m sure you leaving will help in that process.

But whether it does or not, is really not your problem. Absolutely spend time doing the things that you love, especially the things that he didn’t want to do! Once you remember how much you love your life without him, the easier it will be to let him go fully, and move on to greener pastures!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Sorry to hear about that experience with the matchmaking service. It doesn’t sound like a quality company at all! Anyone who is in customer service, which is basically what that business is, would understand that you need to listen to your clients to find out what they really want. In fact, you need to be able to read between the lines in order to determine what the client wants that they are not even saying! Because if you can give them that, well then you are truly talented at what you do!

But it doesn’t sound like a big loss because likely most of the men he had in his agency were like him, and he didn’t sound like a catch at all! It sounded like he just wanted woman as an accessory to these men, who were the more important people in his view. What a crock!
Was there a specific theme to this matchmaking service?

It sounds like you’re very active, and maybe the men your age are not up to snuff with what you’re bringing to the table. Have you ever thought about dating someone younger? I mean, i’m not talking about robbing the cradle, but you seem rather youthful and independant, and maybe part of the reason that you;re not finding men who can match you, is because they don’t feel like they could be up to your level.

It’s not all about you doing something wrong! I see that a lot with women, as we are often told that we have to change in order to attract a man. Be more of this and less of that and I tell you, I don’t buy that! I think being delightfully yourself and proud of it is really the key. The right man will be attracted to just that and will adore you even more for it.

I’m curious, have you ever tried that approach? Just being unabashedly you with someone and seeing where the chips fell? I’d be curious to know how that went for you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sono,

It sounds like you are well aware of your triggers and what you are doing in this relationship. Ad you know, you can’t change anyone. All you can do is provide a space for them to feel comfortable in, and maybe inspire them to make the changes that are necessary.

If you really feel like you have something with him and that he is depressed, maybe you can reach out to him just to see how he’s doing. Not to get any reaction for yourself but as a way to show him that you care.

I know that you still love him, and maybe after having some space, he will be able to see where he overreacted.

Do you feel like this could be a good tactic to take at this point?

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kristina,

It sounds like you are doing everything that you can to make this work with this guy, but I am concerned that you are trying to change yourself to fit into what he wants. It also sounds like he makes you feel guilty for just being you, and that he’s not taking responsibilities for his own issues.

It takes two to make a relationship work, and if there’s going to be compromise, it has to be on both sides.

He wants to be part of the decisions…what do you want?
You’re working on giving him what he needs…what do you need?

We all have growing to do, but your growth has to be based on what you feels good to you, not on what you’re doing to please someone else.

Does this make sense?

[Coach Spyce]

HI Victoria,

I see that you are new to the forum, welcome! While we appreciate you reaching out and trying to interact with the other women, many of these threads that you’re engaging on are no longer active.

Also, we advise our participants to be careful about giving unsolicited advice to other members as it can sometimes cause tension.

The coaches on the forum (currently Heidi and I) are trained and have been handpicked by James and the company to give advice to our members, and currently, we are the only ones who can really be in that position.

We so appreciate your enthusiasm and desire to connect, and please don’t stop doing so! Just maybe find a way to connect more with other members on a friendly, peer to peer basis, instead of trying to coach them.

Thanks for your understanding, and we look forward to getting to know you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Erin,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story!

I’m just going to dive right in here….
You asked, What am I doing wrong?

The answer is simple: You are ignoring what this man is telling you and trying to create a different situation based on what you want. I know it sucks, but when someone shows you who they are, or more specifically, tells you exactly what they want, you have to believe them.

Most men are going to be happy enough to sleep with you, but if he’s saying that he doesn’t want a relationship, that’s probably very true.

It sounds like he like a strong and independent woman, so what you can do right now is focus on being that and see what comes of it.

If you’re not happy being a “friends with benefits” and want a true relationship, you have to tell him that’s what you want, and then you have to set a boundary and stick to it.

The boundary would have to be, “I’m not going to sleep with you anymore because I want a relationship and you don’t, and sleeping with you is just confusing the situation and causing me pain”.

Do you think that you can do that?

He will either say ok, and that’s that. Or if he does really care and is just dealing with his own demons, he might be inspired to make some changes. But either way, you’ll have more clarity, which is what you really want in the situation if I’m reading this correctly.

Let me know how it goes!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It sounds like you’re being pulled every which way by your emotions and this other person and I can understand why it can be confusing.

It sounds like you’re new to online dating so I just want to tell you a few things.

1. You are NOT obligated to anyone. You do not have to text, sext, videochat, snapchat, talk, or even respond to anyone. EVER. If you feel uncomfortable, move on. Delete him, block him, move on. Which brings me to my next point.

2. There are MILLIONS of guys online and MANY of them will want to connect and sext with you. The important thing is for you to do ONLY exactly what you want to do, nothing more.

This situation you’re in is very commonplace where a guy tries to convince a girl that she should do something that she doesn’t want to do, usually involving sex. It’s coercion and it’s not far from rape actually. That may sound harsh, but if you were in person with him, who’s to know what he would do?

I understand that you’re looking for fun and adventure, and that’s normal and you should have that! But if what you’re looking for is FUN, then why do something where you’re not really having fun, and instead you’re feeling pushed into something?

Also, there is NO WAY that this is ever going to be a relationship. This guy is only after sex. If that’s not what you want, then you need to drop him like a hot potato.

Delete him, block him, and hope that he didn’t take screenshots while you were video chatting!But please don’t feel bad about yourself, You did nothing wrong. But when someone tells you from the beginning what they are looking for, believe them! It’s almost always exactly what they are going to give.

Let me know what you think!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Becky!!!!

Hi!!! So glad to hear from you, and thanks so much for sending that update! I’ve wondered what had happened, and from everything you had told us about your connection, there was no way that I thought this thing would be said and done just like that.
I’m so happy to hear that we were right, lol!

I know that some people don’t like ultimatums or think that you shouldn’t give them in relationships, but I often think that it’s all that will work. And to be fair, it’s not as much of an ultimatum as someone stating to another what they will and won’t accept, and then letting the cards fall where they may. Asserting your boundaries and then seeing if the other person can and will accept them is really what’s at the basis of healthy relating, and I’m glad to see that it worked out for you, AND for him!

For him to be able to see what life would be like without you, and to really feel the loss of you in his life, was really all that he needed to step up to the plate. That is SO awesome and I think this story gives hope to so many of the other women out there who are struggling with this kind of thing. Not being happy with what’s going on, but afraid that if they disrupt the status quo that the man will leave and never come back. But this just proves that when you take the difficult but strong steps towards being true to yourself, a real man who loves you will do everything in his power to prove to YOU that he is worthy of your love. Talk about activating the hero instinct!

I’m so glad to hear that he is working on the things that were getting in the way of your relationship thriving, and I truly believe that the two of you have an amazing foundation to grow from. This struggle made you closer, and now you know that you can get through the bumps in the road together, which is what having a committed relationship is all about, right?
You had all of the major elements before, except for the fear that he was going to run away when the going got tough. Not because of you, but because of him. Now that he’s recognizing that and being open about his fears and his struggles, and he’s committing to working through them to ensure that the two of you can live a happy life together, there’s nothing that can stop you now!

I love this story, I really do. I love where you started, and all that you’ve been through in your lives to come together now to live out your golden years together. You have a beautiful love story, and I love that we get to witness it!

Please continue to keep us posted. I’m so happy for you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tea,

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forum!

Would you mind copying and pasting to your own thread? It makes it easier for all of us.

Thank you, and I’ll look out for you on another thread.

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laura,

Welcome to the forum! You sounds like a really great person! Very supportive, caring, and understanding. This person is really blessed to have someone like you in his life, and it doesn’t sound like he recognizes that at all. Before we go into anything, I just want to let you know that my goal here is to help YOU become happy and healthy in your relationship life. Whatever I recommend is always with that goal in mind.

I have to say there is a LOT to digest here, but in all honesty, it’s a story old as time. And if you want me to give it to you straight, I absolutely can.

Now we can sit here and analyze him all day long if you want, but that’s the problem. Everything is all about him. I see so much going on here with his obvious Oedipal complex, and how he connects with women that he sees as mentors and unattainable. You becoming very attainable and there for him made him lose all the interest he once had. The fact that his parents love you doesn’t help either. He doesn’t want to do what’s good for him and what he should do, he wants to do what’s risky and exciting.
He’s a spoiled rich kid who is used to doing whatever he wants and having no real consequences. He’s a classic case.

When someone is a mess and has family who will keep bailing them out, and will love and support them no matter what, they lose respect and appreciation for those people. Sorry to say, but you are now in the same category. Someone who loves him who will do anything to help him, even at their own expense. He knows that and so he doesn’t really need to try because he doesn’t think he will ever lose you. You are so desperate to be with him, and to get him “help” that you will let yourself be disrespected on multiple levels, time and again, and you will keep coming back. He knows that, and so why should he try to do anything different? He has no respect for you, and so you need to have respect for yourself and make the decisions that will be best for you.I don’t see anything here that’s going to get you the love that you want.

Which brings me to my question. What is it that you want? And what do you get from him? Are they one and the same? Are they at all similar? Is what he is giving you worth the pain that it’s causing you to get it?
You talk about potential and the man that you love, but nowhere in this whole story have I glimpsed anything related to that.
So if that’s really there, you’re going to have tell me more. At this point, I’m just not seeing what’s in in for you.

Hope this helps!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sono,

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this painful situation. It’s starting to sound to me like this partner of yours has a lot of his own issues that he’s not dealing with, and he’s taking out his anger and frustration on you.
It sounds like he’s not happy with many things, and he’s blaming the relationship with you for his unhappiness. That’s not fair.

It sounds like things got messy when you began to do business together and that can happen. But it also sounds like he’s been having issues in his business before, and that maybe it was easy to then shift the blame of what was happening to you. Once again, not fair.

This is causing you to examine everything in the relationship and try to see where you could have done things differently in order to have different results and I’d like to encourage you to not go down that road. You did and said what you were feeling in the moment, and what you thought was best. There’s nothing wrong with that.
For you to try to come up with ways that you can change in order to get him back is a really dangerous situation. Because in reality, did you do anything wrong? What do you feel like you did that was anything that you regret and that you should have done differently?
What is it exactly that you have changed or feel like you need to change?

You’ve said that maybe if you didn’t push him to answer, he never would have split with you, but I don’t think that’s a healthy statement either. If he wasn’t happy in the relationship he would have come to that conclusion anyway. And would you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, or is going to blame you for his negative emotions?

These are some things to think about. You sound like a really nice person and I don’t want you to beat yourself up for just being yourself.

Let me know how you’re feeling!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kristina,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through these issues! It sounds like your partner has a lot of mistrust, that stems from many years of past trauma. And while that has nothing to do with you, it’s still going to affect you. it’s great that he is working on it, when he does, but it’s not fair for you to have the bear the brunt of his trauma when he doesn’t want to deal with it, and makes you the problem.

For someone to get mad about you posting an ad online just dhows that they are very triggered and have many trust issues. This is not your fault.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing by stepping away and not getting caught up in his paranoia. To try to convince him of your “innocence” is only making him more mistrustful. You know that you did nothing wrong, and that he is overreacting. Since you said that he usually comes to realize what he is doing when he is able to have time away, give him that time to be away, and let him come back to you when he’s ready.
I know you mentioned that you’ve known him awhile, but the committed relationships is new, correct? There’s still a lot to learn about each other and how you react in stressful situations. Maybe his way is to run away? Or to overwhelmed and say that he can’t do it anymore? It can feel like that to someone in the moment, but I’m sure that once he has the opportunity to think about it more, he will make a better decision.

In the meantime, what can you do for yourself to make you feel better and more resourced? Do you have some supportive friends and/or family? Try not to focus too much on having him be your end-all, be all. If you have anything worth fighting for, he will realize his mistakes and he will return, apologetic. I truly believe that this will be the case…

Keep us posted!
xoxo
Spyce

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