[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

I am so glad to hear you say that, all of it! I love that you know your worth and you’re not willing to keep reaching out to someone who is not showing that they see that. Sure he may be going through grief, but you have a lot going on too! No reason to be with anyone unless they are actively helping and adding positive support to your situation. You don’t need to be chasing someone to support them, you need to be lying back and letting the support come to you.

Like you said, if he cares, AND if he is able, he will show up. But if he doesn’t, then he’s not the right guy. I get the feeling that you’re a pretty incredible person and I’m sure that connection that you felt with him is because of you. So you can have that connection with many people. You keep being there for yourself and certainly the person who can match you will come along. I know it!

Sending you so much love and support for your surgery and chemo! You are a strong and brave woman. I’m seeing you healthy and vibrant, 100% cancer free!

Please keep us posted and know that we got you 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Christina,

Just catching up here and I gotta say, WOW! You are an incredible person in a huge growth spurt! Heidi and I are so proud when we see women like you, who despite toxic upbringings and unfulfilling relationships, finally have the courage to make changes in their lives so that they don’t keep passing the trauma down to their children, and their children’s children. It is SO wonderful that you are breaking the cycle, and I know for certain that you are on to much bigger and better things. The Universe rewards actions for sure, and your actions are speaking volumes! Congrats!

Of course it may not feel great right now, but you just have to keep pushing forward and things will get better. And certainly keep crying as much as you feel! Get it out, girlfriend! The more you grieve, the more you will gain clarity and insight, and be further along on your path of healing. Crying is not an indication of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It’s a catharsis that will enhance your perception and bring you that much further along in the healing process. Cry it up!

Also while I understand how it’s difficult to let the fantasy with Mike go, I have to agree with everything that Heidi said. Even though it feels great to have that attention from someone when you haven’t had it in so long, you have to see if for what it is. A nice glass of water after being in the desert. But here’s the thing. You’re OUT of he desert! And there is water everywhere! And once you’ve had some time out of the desert, you may realize that you don’t want water, you want some lemonade, or a mojito. You get to choose, you don’t have to settle for water! Even your therapist is certain that you won’t end up alone, so I’m assuming that you’re a vivacious woman who once she gets her feet on the ground again, will have no trouble finding attention and desire all around her.

You’re in a good place, and I’m really excited for your next chapter! Here for you as it progresses 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Lyndale,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your story and letting us know what’s happening with you in your marriage. I am so sorry to hear that things are rough right now. It sounds like you and our husband had a great connection for quite a long time, and it’s unfortunate that whatever is happening right now is causing him to feel like he can’t get what he needs in the relationship, and would rather be alone.

It can be difficult to be that supportive person for each other, when you are both going through something, and sometimes people do turn away instead of letting the pain bond ou closer together. Did something happen that affected both of you, or are you each dealing with something difficult individually?

It can be easy when you’re not in the best space and things aren’t working out as you would like to look back at what has happened and find a way to place blame on the situation, the other participants, and yourself. When in reality, life is hard and we are all doing our best. I’m sure that your intention has always been to be part of that supportive team that you always had, and it sounds like it’s devastating you that you feel like you let him down.

But I do want to caution you from taking too much responsibility in this unfortunate situation as that’s not really the answer. It’s great that you are feeling a renewed sense of understanding of how you can be supportive, but it’s also important that he be willing to look at where he wasn’t stepping up to the plate as well. Do you feel like that’s been the case?

Keeping the lines of communication open and letting him know that you understand what he’s feeling is definitely a good first step. How has his response been?

Looking forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Naomi,

Thanks for your question and welcome to the forum! If you are having trouble with your purchases, please contact customer service and they can help you.

In terms of your personal situation, it would be great to learn more about what you are going through so that way we can best advise you. it sounds like you are in a relationship with someone who is working a lot and you are at home due to not being well. I’m sure that must be very difficult in general, to have your freedom hindered when your body just doesn’t want to cooperate. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through that!

Is this your husband that you live with? Or long term partner? How long have you been together? Are there children involved? How long have you been ill? Have things changed due to that situation? There are so many factors that go into all of this, and it’s not just a clear cut answer for everyone. But I can say that if you want to draw your partner back in, the number one thing is to have clear communication where you can speak transparently about your needs and wants, and be able to draw your partner out to also express his own wants and needs.
This might be difficult if he is in a caretaker role with you.

Would love to learn more about you so that way we can be more of service.

Looking forward to hearing from you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

I know that you have mostly been talking with Heidi, but I wanted to chime in and say hello. Sadly I know a lot about grief and loss, so maybe my perspective will be helpful.

First off, I want to say that we are here for you. It sounds like you have a lot of intense things going on with your own health right now. I hope that you have support from friends and loved ones as you go through this difficult experience. Glad to hear that you have a doctor that you trust and feel good about. That’s really important!

In terms of the guy, it feels really dangerous to rely on him to get your emotional needs met. I understand that it’s exciting to meet someone new and it’s never bad to have a distraction, but maybe because of all that you’re going through right now, it sounds like you are trying to make something into more than what it is.

You’ve gone on a few casual dates and then he’s had a traumatic experience of losing his grandfather. As Heidi mentioned, if he’s close with his grandfather, and/or if it was sudden, or if it was a long drawn out illness, etc, etc…these all are factors with how he’s feeling now. Maybe he’s ok with it, or maybe he’s seriously broken up. Not knowing which he is makes it difficult to know how to approach him.

But typically when someone has a loss, even if it’s not super intense, there is still a period of grief, helping family, etc that may make a person really not have the time or headspace to connect with someone romantically, and especially someone new.

You have spoken with him and let him know that you’re there for him, and now you really have to let it be. I mean, you can certainly reach out to him in a few days, but you need to be clear in yourself that the connection is for you and your peace of mind, not him. You are trying to determine how he feels about you, and right now, he probably doesn’t know.

If I were you, I would send him maybe one more message in a couple of days and then just let it go. You have enough in your own life going on and you need to surround yourself with people who can be there for you, not with people that you have to tiptoe around to see if they like you. If someone likes you, and wants a relationship, they will let you know. If someone isn’t communicating that, it’s likely that they aren’t looking for the same things.

Let us know how it goes,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dana,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story!

First off, it sounds like this is a relatively new connection and you haven’t been seeing this guy very long. Do you have a normal pattern established of texting every day? Or were you thinking that because you spent the weekend together that now you would?

If you’ve ever been on the OKCupid dating app, there is a question that they have about how often you want to be in touch with your significant other. It can vary from person to person, usually depending on their lifestyle. Some people have more free time, or a boring job they want to get away from and want to text all day, some are busier but still want that daily connection and just want to say good morning and good night. Some people have a very full life and want to check in every few days by phone. It all varies, and unless you know for sure what someone’s pattern is and then they are changing that pattern and doing something different, it’s dangerous to assume that they are feeling any which way based on their communication style.

You were away on an idyllic and fantastic weekend trip and now he is probably back to whatever his daily life is and has to play catch up. So he is probably working on that, while thinking fondly of your time together. To be fair, it really only was less than 24 hours and if you were just together all weekend, it’s good and healthy to let things breathe for a bit. You did tell him to message you when he had time, and first day back to work probably is not when he did!

It sounds like you are anxiously attached and when you connect with someone, you need a lot of reassurance that things aren’t going to suddenly change. Have things like that happened to you often in life? If you don’t know about attachment styles, I’d recommend you take a look to learn more. t

For now, I’d recommend that you just relax and enjoy the ride! It sounds like you have something good! I know that you might be scared, but no reason to bring that fear into the relationship. If someone tells you that they enjoyed being with you and look forward to seeing you again, why can’t you believe them?

Taking a look at the answers to these questions will be really helpful to you here, so I look forward to hearing what comes up for you.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dana,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your question! Well first off, I guess it depends on who you’re asking but today is your lucky day and you got me!! In my world, it’s never too early to be transparent about what you want. It saves a lot of time and heartache spending time getting to know someone and getting attached to someone that doesn’t want the same thing or has the same goals. What’s the point in that?!

So yes, my approach is to be honest and open from the very beginning. If you want a relationship, say it. If you want kids, or don’t want kids, say it. Do you want to live with someone or have seperate spots? Anything that you know that’s important to you, express it!

One of the things you’ll hear Coach Heidi and I mention a lot, is about having a list of non-negotiables. These are all of the things that you must have in a relationship in order to be happy. It’s good to come up with at least 5, if not 10. And you can certainly have more! Because the more that you know yourself and can express it, the more you will attract someone who knows themselves and will be enticed by how clearly you ask for what you want, and not be thrown by it. Because believe it or not, that can be intimidating to some. However, if you can stick to it, you weill fish your wish! I am living proof 🙂

Nice to hear that you and this man want the same thing, that’s great! So what is your plan from here?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Congrats, that’s awesome! That first step is the hardest and now like you said, the ice is broken and he elephant is addressed. It makes sense for sure.

It can take people different lengths of time to move through things. How long has it been since your husband passed?

In the meantime if you enjoy spending time with him and cherish his friendship, just focus on that. If you feel like you are needing more romance in your life at some point, you can address that then. Either with him, or maybe with someone else if he’s still not ready.

But at least things are moving forward!

[Coach Spyce]

I totally understand that you feel hurt and betrayed. You never had a love relationship with her so it’s easier to feel angry with her. But truth be told, even if you were just his friend, you were the other woman. She had no reason to be loyal to you, and ask yourself if you would be loyal to her if you were in her shoes. It’s ok to be mad at her but it’s not her fault. She is also the victim.

Men like this pit women against each other so that one has to be the winner and the other the loser. Meanwhile, he is no prize! I totally believe that he’s evil, abusive, and his (her?) daughter hates him. Just because he’s not in jail doesn’t mean a thing! Men kill woman all the time and get away with it.

You need to block both of them and get as far away from the situation as you can. What else is happening in your life? Is there anyone else intriguing that you’ve run into? Any time with friends, activities, etc?

I’m serious lady, this is a bad situation and you have to let it go and get away from it.

Let me know how I can help!

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling used and discarded. It’s not fair at all…but I do want to point something out here. It sounds like you are putting all of the blame on his ex, and that’s not really where the fault lies. Yes, if you were friends with her then it’s not nice of her to play you like that. But, it really comes back to him. He is the connecting link in this situation.

You have to make peace with the fact that this guy is seriously bad news and that you deserve better. I’m not saying that he lied about his feelings for you, but he is a liar and a cheat. He has so much baggage that he is dropping off at women’s doorsteps to carry for him. He pits the women that care about him against each other and then he gets out of being the bad guy. When really, every negative emotion that you’re feeling right now is due to him.

I’m only telling you this to really remind you that this guy and the whole situation that he is creating is not worth it. Even if he stepped away from her right now and came banging on your door, I would implore you to turn him away and run screaming. Be happy that he is someone else’s mess. Move on with your life. Work on you and your self esteem so that you can feel good about yourself and you won’t be willing to settle for the stress and trauma that a man will give you just in order to have him in your life.

Life and love is supposed to be about joy and pleasure, fulfillment and satisfaction. The level of pain and heartache you are going through with this man is not love, and never will be. If you can move on, I can promise you that you will find something so much better!

Here for you,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

How are things going? Any updates?

Sending love and strength to you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Yes, I figured that given your upbringing, the idea of asking men out would certainly be frowned upon. I also know that you were taught to put your own needs behind the needs of others, and to take care of yourself, as well as those around you. It makes sense that this would have been how you’ve operated thus far.
But I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be like that, and you can do things differently. You are a very intelligent and ambitious woman. You see the things that you want in life and you take the steps to get them. That’s admirable. I am very confident that you could do the same in your dating life, and I have no doubt that you will when the time is right.

But while you’re dealing with the job, the timing isn’t right for that. So while I know that you’re anxious to date, I think yuo should also cut yourself some slack and not be too down on yourself if you aren’t being too proactive in that realm. There is a lot going on in the professional sphere that it sounds like you need to attend to. Once you’ve dealt with that, things will change.

And you have a plan of action. You are putting things into place to find a new job where you can be happy and safe, where you can be at home, and where you can focus on having a healthy relationship. I am confident that this will happen for you, you just need to focus on what’s at hand. You are doing things in the best way possible. and I know that you are going to be successful!

I hope that you find some fun this weekend 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Susan,

How is it going? Yes, now knowing the history that you both share, that does change things. It’s not just a casual hang out with “a guy I like”. Since you say that the two of you spent time together with your spouses, who have both passed and you are the ones who are left, there could be all kinds of things happening.

First one that comes to mind is survivor’s guilt, which tends to affect men more than women because they are seen as the stronger one. Women are children are to be protected, he should be the first to suffer. So men definitely do feel that when their wife dies before them in general.

In particular, I’m sure that there could be uncomfortable feelings about the fact of who you are. You aren’t some random person that he met online, or through a friend. You had a relationship with his wife, he had a relationship with your husband. There have to be feelings about that. Which leads me to ask, how do YOU feel about it?
He may be wondering about this too, and even if he is interested in taking things to that level with you, he may think that you wouldn’t be comfortable with it, or would see him as sleazy or trying to capitalize on a vulnerable situation. You never know what’s going through someone’s head, and sometimes people run all kinds of stories in their own minds.

Another scenario is that he sees you as a dear friend, someone he can relate to that knew him before, and he to you as well. When people pass, the ones who knew them became sacred to us. Maybe he doesn’t want to taint the sweet relationship that you have now…

Just to be clear, there’s nothing wrong with any of this, but it is important to acknowledge that there is a level of intensity in the dynamic already. That is ok, you just need to acknowledge it and communicate.

So once again (it often happens!), I agree with Heidi that you need to talk with him. To me this feels like a huge elephant in the room, and I truly believe that having this conversation with an open mind is important. There could be a lot of different emotions that swirl around, and please don’t try to take his reactions personally, as they are unlikely caused by you. Obviously he cares about you and enjoys spending time with you, but there are extraneous emotional ties that can make something like this difficult to navigate.

Be gentle with him, gentle with yourself, and communicate openly.
Hopefully that works well!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Rhonda,

That sounds confusing! It’s obnoxious when people are hot and cold, but of course you can’t control that for sure…

I’m curious if you have ever asked men out on dates, or if you typically wait for them to ask you? I know that you’re a pretty proactive person in most all other areas of your life, so I’m wondering if you are the same here?

I can relate as I’m a very outgoing, assertive, and friendly person myself. I have no problem calling up friends and making plans, BUT I do sometimes start to feel bad if I feel like I am the only one who is making the effort to reach out.
What people have told me is that sometimes they assume that I’m busy, or not interested, and other times it’s purely just them.

So I’m curious if you seem so independent and well-put together that men either assume that you wouldn’t be interested, or that you’re not available, or if they are just intimidated. I know we’ve talked too about the ages of men that you’re dating, and how sometimes older men who are part of a generation with more conventional gender roles and lower energy levels might not be up to speed with you mentally and physically.
I know that you were talking to that one younger man online and while someone in their mid-30’s might be a little too young, connecting with someone who is vibrant and energetic is likely a good way to go.

But to be truthful, I think a lot more will open up for you when you are not feeling stuck in a job where you’re unhappy, and unable to have a solid homebase that you’re comfortable in. I truly believe that all of this travel is a part of the reason that you can’t find a compatible relationship. So my hope is that when you can stay put for awhile, more of that which you seek will make itself known in your life.

Do you agree?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nina,

From everything that you have told us about this guy, it seems to me that he is potentially very busy, and/or distracted with something in his life. Beyond that, we still know virtually nothing about him, so it’s very difficult to determine if he likes you and is just shy, like Heidi said, or if he is simply not interested.

As I said above, someone needs to be ready and available for a relationship. And being able to determine that in someone is a skill that you can learn. The first thing is to determine what you want in a relationship and then see if the person even has those qualities.

Just trying the “damsel in distress thing” is not necessarily going to work as that may not be a way to entice him. If he’s super busy and overwhelmed, he may see that as a burden and become even less interested in you. Also to note, he didn’t help, AND he didn’t even let you know that he couldn’t. Do you really want to be with someone like that anyway?

If you have a weekend trip coming up with him and your group of friends, just do what both Heidi and I have suggested and try to get to know him more. Ask questions about him, his relationships, his life, his work, his family, etc. Get to know him.

At this point, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Let us know how it goes,
Spyce

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