[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

Everything that you’re talking through is totally normal! I have many clients, colleagues, and loved ones who subscribe to all different kinds of relationship styles, and as long as everything is above board and there is a lot of communication, anything can work between consenting adults.
So don’t feel like you have to be a certain way with anyone in order to get what you want.
The first thing is just to figure out what you want, which it sounds like you are doing!

If you want to explore and try out different men and/or experiences, there is no shame in that game from me. As a matter of fact, I condone it! You just have to make sure that you are doing exactly what you want at all times in a clear and concise way. And you also need to communicate that with whoever you are interacting with. Also tread lightly and with lots of self confidence because you are going to meet many people who will just want to hit it and quit it. You have to make sure that you’re the one in control. Do you see what I’m saying?

Trying to get commitment from unavailable men never works, and it sounds like you’ve been down that road. Maybe focusing on having casual fun with available men can be a good step in the right direction!

How would you plan to go about it?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Dear Melanie,

I will reiterate in the kindest way possible…you are making a mountain out of a molehill. There is no mess to get out of, because there is nothing that you were ever in to begin with. You can have your feelings about someone all day long, but at the end of the day, unless you are actually having a physical dynamic with someone that has been expressed and agreed upon by all people involved, there is nothing there to clean up or move on from, except in your own mind.

This man is working, of course he’s going to be nice to you! He’s not going to jeopardize his professional reputation by spurning the advances of one of his patients. My OB has given me free birth control many a time…I doubt she’s trying to date me!

I understand that you had a visceral response to him and I’m sorry that you’re feeling disappointed by this turn of events, but you have to get ahold of yourself and your emotions or you will be the one to wind up the reputation.

I want you to take a look at your hurting heart and really try to determine where this is coming from. This is not about some guy that you had a flirtation with, it obviously goes much deeper than that. Tell us more about your past relationships, and also what are you looking for moving forward?
The first thing I always tell people is to determine if someone is really ready and available for a relationship. If they are not, you have to move on. Because if you try to force something, it will always go awry.

Please be careful…try to get some rest, have a snack, some deep breaths and proceed slowly.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

I know it’s disappointing when you see something in someone and you want to get to know them more and they just aren’t responding. It’s frustrating and makes us think that we are doing something wrong, or are not enough. That’s really not the case though.

It’s sounded like from the beginning, Ricky has been friendly but definitely keeping you at arm’s length. There could be many reasons for this but it sounds to me like for one, he’s a nice guy and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or outright reject you. You have mutual community, he’s done work for you, and he doesn’t want to be rude and get a bad reputation.

But as Heidi and I have pointed out quite a few times, you really don’t know that much about him and you really have no idea what his relationship life has been like recently. You didn’t meet him on a dating site, and the man never gave any indication that he is looking or available for dating. In all fairness, this was your idea from the beginning. He may just not be available, and that’s not about you, or whether or not he’s attracted to you. That’s about him, and whether or not he’s interested and available for a relationship, which it just doesn’t sound like he is. I’m sorry, but if a grown man wants a woman, he will make it known. And he will pursue her. If he doesn’t, he is not worth chasing either because it shows that he is lazy and uninspired. Nobody wants that!

Of course tho there will be the pull to connect with him over the friend who is ready and willing. That stability is not exciting. It’s the push and pull of the pining desire that reels us in. The fantasy of what we could have. But all that is potential, which doesn’t actually have legs. It’s just in our minds, unfortunately. It’s not actually in real life.

Try to focus on the here and now, and what’s actually happening, and who’s showing up. See how you feel about that. Try not to focus too much on what you want to have happen, or what you think could happen. I’m sure that you have a great imagination and that can be fun, but don’t let it consume your life.

As you mentioned above, that feeling of love or desire CAN be an addiction so it’s good to recognize it for what it is and just try to be in the present.

Does that feel doable?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forum! Tell us more about your man! There are many reasons why someone could be distant and there are many ways that distance can look. How is what is happening now different than what’s been happening before? What proceeded the change anyway?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Trisha,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I so feel you on that being a cool/chill girl thing and how it can sometimes feel like it’s backfiring. I’m a cool chick and I’ve been there too! But what it really comes down to, is that we are trying to supress our emotions in order to appear differently than what we actually feel, and then we are doing a big disservice…to ourselves!

The fact of the matter is, you are a prize! And many guys would want to be with you. Heck, his roommate is wishing that he could find a girl like you and I’m sure many of his friends are too. But I’m sure it’s not just because you “give him space” or don’t pester him. I’m sure that you’re a great person who is wonderful to be with.

So here’s the thing. You need to remember all that and treat yourself as such. If this guy isn’t going to be the way he was when you first met him, then maybe you don’t want to be with him? After all, why do you want to be with someone who you have to beg for time and doesn’t make an effort to connect. That’s not because of you being boring, that’s because of a fault in him. Either he’s overwhelmed and not able to handle his feelings in a mature way, or he sucks at time management. Whatever it is, none of this has anything to do with you not being worthy, or you being too needy and having to back off. You have a right to have what you want in relationships.

For me, my relationships all got so much better as soon as I got comfortable expressing my needs to men. Not only once they started to not meet them, but from the time I met them so they would know from the start how I expect to be treated. I am not going to waste my time getting attached to someone who is going to pull away when they get busy. I am not going to pursue a relationship with someone who won’t communicate when they are upset and won’t talk to me for days. I have my deal breakers and my boundaries, and if someone is going to push through those, they don’t get to spend time with me. See what I’m saying? You’re the prize.

So what do you think about that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Melanie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. I just want to encourage you to be kind with yourself on this one. Sounds like you are blaming yourself for not doing more, when there really doesn’t sound like there was much more that you could do. It also sounds like you’re upset with yourself because you’re obviously a dynamic and ambitious woman who understands how to achieve her goals most of the time. This sounds difficult because there were all kinds of barriers in the way to you connecting to this man, and now you feel like you will never have the chance.

Maybe I’m missing something here, but your story doesn’t indicate what happened between the two of you during Covid when he was working in London. Were you together or involved romantically? What was the relationship like with the other woman that he was with during this time? Was he seeing both of you?
It’s difficult to know from what you’ve told us so far if you were actually involved, or if this is based on a connection that you were feeling purely on your own that was never acted upon.

These are two very different scenarios so please do enlighten us!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with keeping in touch with him, and it sounds like it would be good for you to clarify what exactly he is wanting. Maybe now that you’ve had some time apart he is starting to have a better idea of what he is wanting.

It sounds like you’re spiraling in fear and I am sorry for that. I do want to point out though that as much as you are doing everything to be respectful to him, you have needs as well. And I just wonder if you truly feel ok with accepting the fact of never having children. That’s actually a really big thing, and it’s basically a choice between him, and that aspect of your life.

I know that you love him, but I also think it’s fair to look at if that’s something that you want to live with, or without rather.

xoxo

[Coach Spyce]

Yes, I can totally understand how disconcerting that must feel! When you are away from the places and people that you know, you will want to cling to whatever is familiar, and it sounds like he is really the only instance of that.

How did the two of you meet? How did you decide to come back to live in his country? Have you been happy with that decision?

It makes total sense that he would still give you help, and even go above and beyond with that help. The fact is, he still loves you. Of course he still loves you. As much as you’re on his turf, he sees you as his family as well. He brought you home with him, and it sounds like you’ve had a good 8+ years with everything being good.

He probably also feels a little bad or guilty. He knows that it is hard for you to give him space, and to be away from him after all these years. So I think he is overcompensating to try and let you know that it’s not really personal.

He says he wants to be alone, and I know that you don’t understand what that means to him, and maybe he doesnt either, which is why he wants to be alone, to figure it out. So you have to just let him have his space and remember that it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. Of course he loves you, but maybe he needs to know who he is without you. Or maybe it really doesn’t have anything to do with you at all.

In your first message you said: I’m sending him messages to let him know that I finally understand him
I think the best way to get across that message to him, is to take the tips that Heidi recommended (and I’ve mentioned as well) and just graciously give him some personal space.
Don’t take it personally, because it’s not, and let him be alone, even just for a little bit.
I know it’s hard after 10 years, and I know it feels like a breakup, but I assure you, if you give him the space he needs, and you can let him come to you on his own time, he will come to you. It is obvious he still loves you and cares about you deeply.

Love doesn’t go away that quickly and it sounds like what happened in the last few years wasn’t something that made you think differently of each other as people, correct?

I know you may not want to talk much about it, but I can assure you that this is a safe and anonymous space, and the best spot to get feedback on anything that has happened. We do not judge you and we’ve heard it all, AND I can say I’ve seen and done my fair share of crazy stuff. Not easily shocked!
It may be cathartic as well, and can help us help you analyze the situation even better.

Anyway, I am glad that you are reaching out thus far, and I look forward to hearing from you again soon!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amber,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I am so sorry for your heartbreak, it sounds like a very difficult situation. Four years is a good amount of time to be with someone and to also be connected to their children. That’s really cruel that he kicked out not only you, but also your children out. That must be really painful and difficult! I’m so sorry!

But I have to say that all of his behaviour sounds so very sudden and erratic! To break up with someone after four years and then move in someone who work with who is having relationship problem is not the actions of a well thought out plan by a healthy person.

Did you have any warning signs that he was unhappy?
You said that you were arguing for about a month before you split. What were you fighting about? Did something happen or was it something that was building up for awhile?

I know that him moving in some other woman right away feels very hurtful as well and it is, but I wouldn’t worry that’s just proving his bad behaviour, it doesn’t mean anything about you. Also those rebound relationships never work. She is just a distraction to make him feel better about himself because he knows he’s making poor decisions. At least if someone else is in on it, you can fool yourself into thinking that everything is well. When everything is not well!

Is he willing to talk about things at all?

You also said: He says he will always love me but i dont believe its love
That leads me to believe that there have been some conversations about change, and/or what you can do to save the relationship, so can you say a little bit more about that?

What’s really sad is what he is doing to your children. I know that they are not his, but
you said that he has wanted to be their dad, and 4 years is a long time in a child’s life.

What has that been like the past 4 years? How has he been with them?

From what you’ve mentioned, this all seems sudden so maybe you can fill me in on a bit more details of the situation so I can be of more help!

In the meantime, remember that you are a good person who deserves to be loved and cherished and things WILL get better. They always do!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Well there you have it! Unfortunately when something traumatic or stressful happens and we try to ignore it instead of addressing it, it always comes back with a vengeance. By pretending that it doesn’t matter when it does, you create a level of mistrust and disconnection in the relationship.

So it sounds like he is feeling mistrustful of your connection as partners, and he doesn’t know if he can truly be with you in the same way that he’s been. Because when push came to shove, things weren’t what he thought they would be.
This isn’t your fault, but it sounds like it’s what he is feeling.

I know that it feels really difficult at this point to give your husband space. You want to know that he’s feeling connected to you, you want hope for the future, and assurance that everything will be ok. When he’s not responding to you, it’s natural for your brain to go into a negative space and assume that he doesn’t love you anymore and that it’s over. But that’s not necessarily the case. it sounds like he is just processing things in the way that works for him, which is to take space and be on his own.

Also some people just need space when they are upset and the more that you try to connect with them and get them to talk with you, the more that they feel pressured and pull away.
Do you know anything about attachment theory? Here is a good article on it.

How Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships

At this point I would advise you to try and just give him some space to process his feelings. You are still in contact and messaging, so let that be enough for now. Can you find some other things to do to occupy your time and distract yourself? That might be the best that you can do for now.

Keep us posted!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Well the thing is, he sounds stressed and overwhelmed and likely resentful of you. If he’s acting in a way that’s congruent with those feelings, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s cheating.

But unfortunately if someone is deciding to cheat, you can’t stop him. Why do you feel like he is? How is he acting suspicious?

You can’t change him or control his behaviour, all that you can do is control your own. I understand that you are feeling really neglected by him and that your needs aren’t being met, but from what you’re saying, it really sounds like he is feeling the same.

I would say that the best thing that you could do right now would be to try to find out from him how he is feeling, what he is needing, and to really listen to him. Be there for him. If you are constantly asking him why he’s not connecting to you, and why he’s not caring for you, he’s just going to pull away more. You need to make it about him for a little bit.

Does that make sense?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

The thing that I always suggest looking at with anyone that you’re interested in connecting deeper with is this: Are they interested AND are they are available for a relationship?

Are things set up in their life to be in a committed relationship? Do they have a sticky relationship with an ex? Do they have kids that they are taking care of? Do they have an intense job? What is their daily life like?

Oftentimes we meet someone and are so drawn to them that we try to make them into something that they aren’t. We ignore all the red flags and assume that because they are A & B, they also are every other letter in our alphabet, and that may simply not be true.

Like Heidi has said, it sounds like you’ve fallen in deep with this guy and you really don’t know much about him. He sounds cool, and yes he’s hot, so I get it. To be honest, I love the fact that you just put yourself out there and asked to connect with him. It sounds like he is receptive, but being that this wasn’t his idea, it may take him a bit to be as on board as you are. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, but I do think that you need to be patient if you don’t want to drive him away.

If there is passion, chemistry, and fire, those flames need to be flamed. If you pounce on the fire, you can easily put it out. The fact that he wants to take things slow and get to know you is mature and awesome. The only way to really find a sustainable and healthy relationship is to create one over time by getting to know someone. If he was ready and willing to jump into being with you, I would be suspect. His measured pace is a good sign.

So just try to relax and enjoy the process!

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for sharing more of your story! I’m glad to hear that you’ve gotten some professional help as it definitely sounds like your family is in a difficult situation, with two young children as well. There are many people in their sphere who have needs to be met there, and it all sounds like too much for any one person.

As the man of the house, and the provider in the situation, your husband might be feeling super overwhelmed, overworked, and just out of it physically. Also when men are in this kind of situation, they can feel like what they want and need is not as important and so he’s stuffing his emotions deep down, creating distance.

Sure he may be “communicating what he needs” in a very base way, but it sounds like there is a lot that is being unsaid. He likely doesn’t feel like he can be honest with the overwhelm that he’s feeling, so instead he’s pulling away and feeling resentful.
All of this stress can be a big buzzkill in terms of sexuality.

You say that your attempts at clear communication backfires, which I’m sorry to hear is happening! Can you give me an example of how this all plays out? Maybe I can give you some pointers and see if we can find a way for you to express things in a way that he will be more receptive to.

I do want to be clear with you though, that you do deserve to get your sexual needs met. Let’s see if we can find a way to make that happen!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Lyndale,

Thanks for explaining a bit more about what’s been happening in your relationship. I’m sorry to hear that your husband made a decision that left you feeling unincluded. That is tough when you are supposed to be a team and the decision affects you as well. While I agree that eventually with things like that you do need to learn to accept it and move on or end the relationship, I do want to honor your right to feel angry and hurt.
When that happened, how did you all deal with it? What made you decide that you could accept what had happened and move on? How was your husband involved in this process?

To be honest, although you’re saying that you made that decision, it doesn’t sound like it’s been totally easy, and as you mention, you still have some “lingering bitterness”. Are there negative things that have been happening between you because of those feelings? Perhaps even though you have “accepted things” your husband knows that it’s still hurting you and that’s why he’s wanting to move out?

Also it would be worth noticing what the style of communication has been between you and your husband all of these years…Do you tend to talk things out when there are difficulties? Does he, or you, tend to want to ignore the stressful emotions and pretend that they don’t exist? Getting an idea of what your regular communication patterns are can shed light on the situation and hopefully help us determine the best course of action from here.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

You are such a great writer! Have you ever been published, or thought about it? You are really good at setting the stage and bringing visions to life. It’s a talent!
I was so excited by the date with Rusty, lol!

I feel you about seasonal depression! I am from the East Coast and just so dislike the cold weather. Every fall when summer would come to an end, I would feel the doldrums start rearing their sad heads. Now that I live on the West coast and I never have to see snow anymore, I am much happier year round. My half sister just moved from PA back to AZ where she lived as a kid and her and her girls are just thrilled. The warmer weather really does something to you…I hope that you can get back to it soon!

In terms of Garfield…I think you hit the nail on the head. Not that I want to deter you from dating when you’re not local, but I do think that’s a lot of it. It’s difficult for people to stay connected when they don’t know when they will see you. Long distance relationships are challenging for a reason, and typically only those that start off strong seem to withstand long distance. I’d imagine that meeting someone on a dating app who may not be in your area for the next 6-8 months could really deter people from wanting to build something.

Have you heard back?

xoxo
Spyce

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