[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dejanai,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your question! So let me get this straight…you’ve been friends, best friends, with this guy for years, and about 4-5 months ago you took the friendship to a romantic level and started sleeping together?

How did that come about exactly? Was it talked about, or did it just happen? Has it been a casual friends with benefits kind of thing, or was it more like a “OMG I’m in love with my BFF” kind of thing?

The reason I ask is that a friend turned lover or partner can be a very tricky thing to navigate, and depending on how you got into it, anf the promises and commitments that you made to each other, or lack thereof, can really affect the nature of the relationship moving forward.

It’s nice that you want to support him, but there are so many potential factors at play here that it’s difficult to make a determination without more info.

Let us know more about your “situationship” and then we can be more helpful!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Trisha,

Well here’s the thing, there’s a difference between being needy and being confident and clear in who you are and what you want. That’s called strength and having boundaries. It’s the difference between settling for a guy who you have to chase and act a certain way that’s not natural to you in order to be with him, or simply stating “this is what I want and deserve in a relationship, and if this person doesn’t have the capacity to give it to me, I walk away, because I want that respectful, healthy loving relationship. And if I can’t have that kind of relationship with that person, he’s not the one for me.”
See what I’m saying?

There’s a very different quality in what I’m talking about that is not needy in the slightest. It’s needy when you are willing to do whatever it takes to stay with someone who is not treating you the way you want. It’s needy if you accept anything that a man gives you as enough, even when it’s not. It’s not needy when you lay it out for the man exactly what you expect and deserve and don’t settle for anything less.

Thanks for sharing more about your marriage as I totally understand now how you’ve come to feel this way. I’m sorry that you had to endure that, and of course you had to sacrifice for your sons. You did the best you could in a difficult situation. Your ex sounds like an emotionally abusive narcissist at best and I can see how it left you feeling like your needs weren’t important, and that you should just STFU. I’m so glad to heat that you see now how wrong that was, and how you deserve a whole lot more.

But this kind of conditioning can take a long time to get over, and while you’ve already gone through the step of acknowledging and understanding, it can take being in an actual dating scenario where it does get triggered again to fully resolve and move on. So that’s why here, I think you do have an opportunity to try a different approach and see what the outcome is.

It sounds like the guy you’re currently dating is relatively open to discussion and isn’t just avoidant and running away. He sounds invested enough that I wonder what would happen if you did sit down and talk calmly and openly about these things. As mentioned, often you need the scenario to trigger you to bring this kind of thing to light. That’s not bad, it’s actually an opportunity. So I’m wondering how you’d feel about taking it as such and practicing asking for what you need and want?

Let me know your thoughts!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Chantelle,

Sounds like you are an interesting and passionate person who likes to go for what she wants. That’s admirable! However, you have to also be able to be realistic about what will and won’t work. As Heidi mentioned, you barely know this guy, and from what I’m gathering, it sounds like you’ve only seen each other in person…once? You say that he “pushes all the right buttons with me and the chemistry is right”. Can you tell me more about what you like about him? How does that play out exactly?

To be honest, it’s a big red flag when someone likes someone so much after just one time, and are willing to “get serious”. It makes the person doing that seem desperate and like they have no options and are living in a fantasy world. When a guy comes on like that, I always tell the woman to be careful, take it slow, and get to know him because you have no idea what the person really is like. So in this situation, I have to tell you the same thing. If you keep going on like this, you will scare him away, and rightly so.

It’s fun to feel intense feelings about someone, but you have to recognize that’s all that they are, feelings. And feelings are not necessarily action steps. In terms of action steps and what you should do, I’d say slow down, and really get to know him. Tell me everything that you know about him and let’s see if you truly have any idea who this guy is at all. And then we figure out if there’s something there to pursue, or if it’s just hormones kicking in and driving you batty 😉

xoxo
Spycee

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

It seems to me that you’re concerned about appearing needy, desperate, and/or caring too much, when I think of it as being clear about what you want and need, and sticking up for what you deserve.

The reality is, we all want certain things out of a relationship, and if we are not getting them, what’s the point of sticking around? Too many women are taught that they should just be content with whatever a man is willing to give them, and I don’t subscribe to that line of thinking at all!

I believe that its not only not desperate, but it’s strong and healthy to ask for what we want and need in relationships. That includes indicating to a man how we want to be treated, how much time feels good to us, when and how we want to be contacted, etc. As Heidi mentioned, there’s nothing wrong with telling him, “this is how I want to connect with you after an intense round of sex”. The right kind of men respect women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to speak it. Get what I’m saying?

it sounds like somewhere along the way you learned that your needs were too much, and that havign needs at all was a no no in order to keep a man. Do you know where you may have gotten that idea?

It sounds to me like that story is keeping you from being the fun, confident, and outgoing woman that you can be. So I’d like to see how we can bring that woman out so that she can have everything that she wants and deserves, either it be from this man, or another!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Girl, I’m going to be real with you…I think that you should have whatever experiences you want to have! Safely, of course! Sounds like now is a time of real exploration in your life, and there’s no shame in that. As long as you know what you want, and you understand the risk of any situation that you might get involved with.

For example, what do you want with Paul? Just sx? Go for it! A FWB? Ask him if he’s down with that. See each other 1-2x per week and not see anyone else? I don’t think that’s what you want but if you do, then be clear about it and communicate your needs.
But also know that he is his own person with his own set of wants and needs and once you get involved with any person, you will have to take those into consideration. well, you will if you want to keep interacting with them!

But besides that, it’s just live in the moment, keep your wits about you, relax and have fun!

Any questions? LOL 😀

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Trisha,

I actually just messaged you on the other thread before I saw this one, so let’s continue that conversation over there!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there lovely,

how are you? So glad to hear that you have met someone that you enjoy connecting with, and that you are having some fun and passion. Good for you! You deserve every good thing that’s coming to you!

It’s funny that you say that about kissing on the first date being a red flag because the way that I see it, if someone does NOT ask for a kiss at the end of a first date, it’s typically indicative that they are just not that interested in you as a potential partner. So while I don’t recommend much more than kissing on first dates (although hey, sometimes it happens!), I am an advocate of a brief kiss to test chemistry, if the feeling and desire is there.

In terms of how long to wait before moving to the next level, it’s like Heidi said…there’s no exact specific formula for each and every person. I do think it’s good to establish a connection with someone before getting in too deep, but I also feel like what’s most important is having a clear conversation with the person about wants, needs, goals, and what the sex means to both of you. Making sure that you’re on the same page with all of these in a really clear and conscious way before going to a more sexual realm is key to having a fulfilling experience that both people will feel good about after.

The thing is, you can never have a do-over of your first experience with someone, so why not make sure that it’s exactly what you want and how you want it? When done consciously in this way, you are setting yourself up for deeper bonding and more connections moving forward, instead of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Sexuality can bring up a lot for people, so being open about all of that will really help in the long run.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Trisha,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! First off, definitely don’t worry about oversharing! We are relationship coaches and have heard it all. I personally have worked specifically as a sex educator and coach, so nothing can shock me. As long as it’s all between consenting adults, I am all good! So please do share the juicy details if you want 🙂

To speak to your situation, it absolutely it emotionally exhausting to deal with someone who is up and down, hot and cold, and who seems to change their tune from one moment to the next. You’re right in that you don’t deserve to be treated poorly, and you have a right to be upset and feel like throwing in the towel and splitting up with this guy, despite the great sex and the deeper connection.

But what I’m wondering from your story is if he is even aware of it, AND if it has anything even to do with you, or if it’s more just about him and how he deals with and processes his emotions. I’m guessing that might be the case, because it doesn’t sound like it’s anything that you’ve done that precipitates it, it just sounds like he gets upset, overwhelmed, etc, and maybe his brain can only process so much information at once. Maybe he’s the kind of person that has a hard time focusing on things that aren’t in front of him. Could be the case, and it could be why he is distant when you’re not together, and then attentive and caring when you are. Have you talked with him about why he is distant, or have either of you acknowledged that this was the case? Sometimes people don’t even realize that because we all have different frequencies that we like to connect at. If someone isn’t told that they aren’t contacting you as often as you like, they will be going based on their own preferences, which may be different than yours.

Either way, you have a right to be treated well and in the way that feels good to you. You don’t have to put up with anything that makes you feel bad, however the only thing that you can change is your involvement in the situation. So if you do want to be with this guy, then you need to communicate with him how you feel, and how his changing emotions affect you. Have you done this? If you haven’t, then you can’t expect him to know, and he may just very well be reacting in a way that he is accustomed to, not realizing how that affects others. I’m not making excused for him, but because I don’t know if you’ve spoken with him about this, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.

So let me know what you are willing to try, and what you have tried. If you feel like the relationship is worth saving and you haven’t expressed any of this to him, having a conversation about it before throwing in the towel may shed some bright light on the situation. If you are done and don’t want to work on it, that’s totally your prerogative as well.

I just want you to recognize that much of this may actually have nothing to do with you, and may be all about how his brain processes info, or how he navigates in the world. Once you know that, it’s up to you and him to see if you can reach an understanding that you both can feel good about, or whether its best to move on.

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Sometimes it’s hard for young men to “feel a connection” because we are socially conditioned to be a certain way in love. Movies, music, and media tell us that if you love someone, you will die without them suffer to bee with them, and generally go through a ton of intensity or else it’s not real. So he may feel like there’s a lack of connection because there is not a high level of drama between you. Has he ever elaborated on what he feels by the lack of connection?

In reality, a long term and sustainable relationship is built on common interests, common goals, common communication styles, and a willingness to work through whatever gets in the way. In that realm, how well do you feel like you match up? Do you want the same things for your future? Do you have the same goals? Find the same things fun? How well do you communicate?

The unfortunate thing is that you can’t make someone feel something if they don’t, and in reality, you don’t want to. But if there’s something that’s getting in the way of him letting down his guard and being with you that’s potentially fixable, we are happy to help you try and determine what that is, and fix it!

Let’s see what we can come up with 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

I think he is just really cautious….he’s said from the beginning that he wants to take things slow. Have you learned anything about his previous relationships? That might hold some clues as to why he holds his cards so close to his chest….

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Connie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I totally understand how exciting it can be to meet someone new and have that instant connection, but I have to say that there are many red flags in this story. The feeling I am getting is that he is still way too connected with his ex to be dating, and he is not ready for a new relationship.
The thing I always tell women whenever they meet a man is to determine two things. Is he available for a relationship? Is he actively looking and making time for a relationship?

Because if not, you are just chasing after someone who will not be able to give you want you need, want, and deserve, and at the end of the day, will just leave you feeling rejected and bad, and like something is wrong with you, which I’m sure isn’t the case.

You sound like a lovely woman who is ready to have a true partnership in her life, and is willing to do the work to make that happen. He sounds like someone who has a lot of baggage and until he goes through that baggage and is able to release it of his own accord, is no good for anyone as a partner.

He is showing you what a messy life he has…do you want to be part of cleaning that up for him? If you are involved with him, everything that he is dealing with comes along with it. His ex, his children, his career woes, and whatever else he is dealing with. The question remains, what is he bringing to your table?

Maybe at this best, he is sweet, romantic, and loving. But it doesn’t sound like there’s much of that best part of him available. It’s obvious why he’s not contacting you, and it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. So it’s really more a matter of what are you getting from this and how willing are you to wait around for the scraps this man has to throw at you?

My sense is that you can do much, much better….

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Raven,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this difficult experience with this man that you care about. It’s really confusing when it seems like people change on a dime, and it makes us feel like we have to find the one magic bullet that will change things back to the magic that we once had with them.
The truth is though, often these changes that seem to be so sudden are actually not sudden at all, but the person who is telling you their feelings may have been hiding things for awhile.
That being said, was there anything at all that happened in the last 3-6 months that was traumatic, or that you feel like maybe could have caused a change in the way that he felt? Or did you have any kind of experience that could be leaving some residual feelings that weren’t fully discussed?

I guess the other question is, what else are you doing in your life? Is there a chance that maybe he wants to see you doing something that you’re not? Has he asked you to make changes? Is there anything that he thinks that can be done to bring back the magic? When was the last time that things were good, and how good were they?

I’m also curious because you mention text a lot and I’m wondering how many of these conversations are happening IRL, and how many are via text? That can be a really difficult way to stay connected with someone, and not a communication style I’d recommend to build connection.

Look forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laurie,

Good to hear from you! I am so glad that you were able to write that letter and express your feelings. How did it feel? I hope you were able to get some closure from it.

It’s too bad that he didn’t respond but unfortunately it’s not surprising. When someone who is doing something so devious and underhanded is caught like that, they are not going to fess up to it unless they are a really upstanding person who has been feeling guilt on their own. Even then they may feel such shame about the situation that they feel like they can’t face you, and what they did. It might just be the case that this man really is just a bad person who is not willing to change, but whatever it is, I just want to counter your wording of that “I’m assuming he just disregarded everything in it and doesn’t think I deserve a response”.
I doubt he thinks that, but it’s obviously too much for him to cop to, and it’s easier for him to just ignore you than to admit what a horrible thing that he’s done.

It’s normal to be struggling with this, and it’s very frustrating that he can just walk away with no harm done, moving on to the next sweet and kind woman. I personally always want men like this to be called out and strung up, and while it’s not in any way your responsibility to do anything, especially anything that will cause you stress, I do want you to know that you have a right to be transparent about your experiences with him, and also to warn others.

I hate for you that he’s such a weak and shallow person that he won’t acknowledge and make things right. But of course, that would only happen if he would admit that he was wrong, admit that he had a problem, and try to do better and make amends. But whether he does or not says nothing about you and everything about him.

You’ve said that this is opening up emotional wounds so would you like to share more about those? Does this remind you of other ways that you’ve been hurt in relationships? I’d like to help you see where this might be trauma rearing it’s ugly head, and maybe we can seperate what is happening now from the good and loveable person that you are.

In the meantime, I’m sending you much love and strength, and a reminder that you are a brave and wonderful person!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

You can have connection and vulnerability, hot sex and casual encounters, without having to get married, have kids, or live together. You just have to be clear about what you want, and be willing to be upfront about that.
Also be prepared to not necessarily get what you want right away, or from the exact people that you want it from.

You’re really fixated on Ricky, but I gotta tell you babe, you still have no idea what he wants. And saying I want this specific thing and then it has to be with this specific person is just setting yourself up for failure, and heartbreak if he’s not into that exact thing for a myriad of reasons.

Think of it like this: What if Ricky says: Ok, let’s date but I want to move in and have kids with you. That’s what I’m looking for.

Would you change your tune about what you want? Is that really what you want or is it what you think he wants? What’s more important? Your fantasy, or the person that you’re doing it with? Which by the way, is a fantasy too because you don’t know him! Everything about him is a fantasy.

You have this idea that because he’s so physically attractive to you that you’re going to have this insane chemistry and amazing sex with him, but I can tell you girl, that’s not always the case! There’s just so much more that goes into it…

Anyway, I’m not here to dampen anything, I’m just here to help you successfully get what you want. So I think getting clear on that is still what we are discovering!

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

What you need to focus on is you. You are running yourself ragged trying to determine what you can do to give him just the right amount of space, and just the right amount of validation, and you will make yourself sick. You need to relax and stop giving him all of the power.

It’s ok for you to have needs as well. It’s ok for you to be upset, or disappointed. It was also ok for you to have the feelings that you had the past few years. He is not blameless in all of this. Him taking away your decision to have children is very selfish. And him expecting you to not be upset about it isn’t right.
Instead of being compassionate and caring of you and trying to work on things, he’s run away so that way he has the power. And now, by making it all about him, you are creating a situation where he thinks that he can do whatever he wants and you will just fall in line. You have to be willing to ask for what your needs are as well. A relationships is a dance between two people, and it sounds like you’re so afraid to lose him that you are just willing to do anything that he says, and try to anticipate his every want and need before he even he does. This is not sustainable.

Get clear on what you really need to be happy. It’s ok to let him know that you’re not going to wait in this limbo forever. Figure out how long you are willing to go on as it is. Ask him the hard questions, even if you’re afraid of the answer.

For example: what is he hoping to discover by having this space? How long does he anticipate needing this space until he knows what he wants? Remind him that while you love him, it’s not fair for him to keep you hanging on like this. Either he’s in to work on the relationship or he’s not.

Like I said, these might illicit answers that you don’t want to hear, but at least you will know where he stands.

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

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