[Coach Spyce]

What made the sex with Paul not great and do you think that it could be improved on? I know you said that he didn’t get you off, but unfortunately, not all men know how to do that, and they are afraid to admit that or ask for guidance.

It seems that you are rather assertive, and so perhaps he thinks that if you wanted something a certain way that you’d ask for it. Did you discuss with him that you were disappointed? Is he willing to try and make it better for you?

Yes, sometimes you just have chemistry with people and it’s off the hook from the beginning, but other times it takes a bit of work. That’s not always a bad thing, and if all he needs is a little bit of training, it could be a good tradeoff in the end.

I know you’re really hung up on Ricky, but have you ever thought that he might be so attractive because he doesn’t make himself available and he keeps you wanting and waiting in anticipation?
You also have no way of knowing if the sex with him will be mind-blowing or not. That’s all in fantasy right now where of course it is, but IRL it might not be.

The best sex is when both parties are super engaged in what’s going on. The mind shuts off, and its all about the energies co-mingling. I’m sure it would be super exciting with Ricky because you’re so attracted to him, but don’t let that delude you into thinking it will be the best sex that you’ve ever had if only you could get it. Because unless he is willing to engage and be open, it will not be that great. And I’m sorry to say, but Ricky does not sound like he’s there yet. For a variety of reasons, he is really wanting to take things slow and not get that involved. So it’s difficult to imagine that he would suddenly just give himself over in this mad passionate sexcapade that you’re envisioning. I would love to be wrong tho!

In the meantime, figure out what you want and see if you can ask Paul for it. Just even asking will be a good exercise in and of itself 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Trisha,

Thanks for your message and keeping us in the loop! Wow, a younger man! I feel you on that! I used to date younger men all the time and I’ve advised many a woman over 35-40+ to go younger.

AND, yes this is perfect opportunity for you because here’s the thing about younger men and why I always advise on dating them.

The most consistent feedback I got from younger men on why they were attracted to older women is because they liked how the older women were confident in themselves and would ask for what they wanted. Men in our society are expected to have all the answers when it comes to sex and romance. They are supposed to guide the relationship and most of the time, they are clueless!
Unless a young man was lucky enough to connect with an older woman when he was first discovering his sexual and romantic interests, he is usually terrified and doesn’t know what the heck he is doing.
So when they meet a woman who will unabashedly tell them what they want, it relieves that pressure that they feel of having to have all the answers when they don’t know what is actually going on. Not having to try and read the woman’s mind to get it right is a huge load off that men appreciate. But in a regular dynamic, men don’t feel like they can ask for that. They have to “be the man”. So they do the best that they know how to, and they invariably mess it up.

So that’s why this is an amazing opportunity for you to express yourself to this guy! Also, since you are on the fence about if you want to continue given what you now know, there’s less pressure on you to have a specific outcome. Because if he reacts poorly, then hey, it’s time to move on. But if he reacts positively, maybe there’s a way to move forward.
But either way, you have the chance to practice asking for what you want.

In terms of how to do that and what to say, remember this: You do not have to justify why you want what you want. You don’t have to say, “oh well, my ex did this and so now I feel that way”. It’s totally reasonable to say, “this is what I want and expect from my relationships and the people that I am close to. If it doesn’t work for you, then this won’t work for me.”
Nuff said!

Let me know how this sounds. I really am actually thrilled by this turn of events and think that things couldn’t be any better.
Whether or not you want to be with someone 10 years younger than you for a long term connection is another point for a different message that I’m happy to chat about, but I really am excited for you to move forward in this pivotal direction in your relationship life! Whatever happens moving forward with or without this particular him, there’s room here for a lot of growth, and I’m excited for to take the next step!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jenn!

Aw thanks! I’m glad that my perspective is helping! We can connect out of the forum if you want, but do be advised that this is definitely the most affordable way to chat with me, because one we are connected outside of the forum, I would be charging my regular pricing for video or phone sessions. But if you want to explore that, just let me know!

I love hearing about your relationship with your daughter! She sounds like an incredibly strong little lady, and I’m sure that she must get it from watching her mama. So good for you! You are doing well with her.

Since she is in the thick of things with you, I am going to defer to her opinion and agree that you can do much better. I always say that there’s a reason that an ex is an ex, and unless people have done major work on themselves in the time that they were apart, it’s typically a recipe for disaster to just get back together with someone and assume that things will be different without there being any changes made.

Now I understand that you’re saying that YOU are making changes, and that you see all of the things that you did wrong and you want to try and do them better, but unfortunately he hasn’t come to that realization. But that’s on him, not you.

I know it’s tempting to blame yourself and think that if you were better in some way that he wouldn’t be able to resist and then he would prove his love for you and for your family by working on himself and being the partner that you know that he could be for you, but I’m sorry to say, that’s just not realistic.
For one thing, like I’ve said, it’s not about you. He could worship the ground that you walk on and if he’s not willing to look at his own issues and take steps to change them, no amount of love in the world is going to change that. It’s the sad truth.
For people who are used to covering their sadness with anger, it’s so much easier for them to just walk away to someone new who doesn’t know that about them, and hope and pray that they will “do better this time” or that “it will be different with this person”, but once again, that’s putting the blame outside of himself, and it’s not. This is all about him, and what he’s not facing.

Your daughter is right. It’s only a matter of time before he is going to show his ugly to the new woman because he hasn’t cleared it, he still has it inside of him. Eventually something will trigger it and it will come out. It’s not going to leave until he unpacks it and sorts it out. And no one can do that except for him.

So yes, I really think that you need to start weaning yourself away from him. You need to start imagining a life that only includes him as a friend. Imagine a line where you have a steady partnership that’s full of love, happiness, understanding, and desire. The only reason that you don’t have that is because you’re waiting around to catch the drippings from him, and as your daughter and I agree…YOU CAN DO BETTER!

So what do you think? Do you see any feasible paths moving forward with this in mind?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amy,

How are you feeling now? Any new developments over the weekend?

First off, I just want to encourage you to not feel any shameful or guilty feelings about how you are handling this disconnect. To be fair, he’s not providing you with any support as a partner, and you’re in a place where the relationship is very one-sided, with you putting aside your feelings to be there for him in his time of need.
So if you want to go on Tinder for some distraction, or go out with friends, talk with a counselor (like me), or do whatever you can to get some of the support that he is unable to give, please don’t beat yourself up about that. You are doing the best that you can, and you’re doing a great job taking care of yourself.

That being said, the dynamic does worry me. I get concerned whenever I see a situation where one person (typically the woman) is putting their own needs on the back burner because the other person is “in a bad place”, or “going through something traumatic”, etc, etc. And the reason why I get concerned is because while it could be legitimate that the other person is truly going through something out of the ordinary in their life, it’s typically more indicative of a pattern of behaviour, and that person is always going through something and it never becomes a good time to bring up the other person’s wants and needs.

It sounds like he has a lot of unchecked trauma, so I wonder if this is part of the dynamic with you both and if it wasn’t the court thing, it was his back, or his daughter, or his toxic ex, or something else. Do you see what I am getting at?

You mention that: We understand each other as we have both had trauma based childhoods. That’s both a blessing and a curse I think.

I couldn’t agree more. Because of your own trauma, your pull to empathize and understand him is going to be that much stronger, as will the attraction. You probably feel very comfortable nd drawn to him in a way that you can’t explain, and you feel like you want to help him. As mentioned, you see something in him that you feel like no one else can get, and only you can help him out of it. I gotta tell you girl, that’s a heavy load to carry, AND it’s not yours to pull.

When it comes to your trauma and childhood, where/how did you see that dynamic played out? Was something like that similar in your parental dynamic? Or did you feel like you had to save someone that you loved?

It is a blessing in that its a reflection that can help you understand your own pain, but the curse typically outweighs the blessing, and when people connect over trauma it rarely ends up in a healthy way. Unless…well unless both involved parties are actively working on it.

Which is why I was asking before if he is aware of these things and willing to work on them. Because the only way to be with someone who has this much baggage is if they are willing on their own to unpack it. If so, you can be supportive and engaged. But everyone has to unpack their own baggage…

The thing is, you can’t be in this limbo forever. It’s not healthy for any part of you. Not knowing where things stand will just perpetuate that awful feeling that you have of feeling desperate and needy, which isn’t you. But it’s normal to feel that way when you are a solutions oriented person who is not getting the info that they need.

So eventually, you are going to need to insist on having this discussion because I don’t know that waiting until some nebulous time when all is right in his world is unfortunately ever going to happen…

Thoughts?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amy,

Thanks for sharing that info. It gives me more insight into him for sure.

In terms of the pain meds, I would be suspicious about that. It can be really difficult to get off of them, and people can hide that addiction for a really long time. Someone’s personality changing and becoming more grumpy and disengaged is a sign. But also if he IS in physical pain, that could account for some of that too. I’m not saying that’s what he’s doing, but I would keep an eye out and not rule it out.

You keep repeating this thing that he says about being all in or out, but I think that’s just what he says to throw people all the course because he certainly doesn’t sound that convicted about anything to me. He doesn’t seem like someone who when he decides something sticks to it, although he’d like to believe he is, and certainly wants you to. But look at his history. He’s been and back and forth with a toxic ex since high school. That’s how he knows relationships to be. It just doesn’t sound like he’s had a healthy relationship.
So when someone tries to engage him in one he sabotages it. That’s why he started pointing out all your flaws, trying to convince himself that you’re not enough of this or that, because that’s how he feels within himself. It also sounds like he pushes himself really hard, and people like that have a hard time allowing themselves to truly be happy. So that might be part of the reason for the sabotage too. On a deep level, even if he something of a confident, alpha man, he doesn’t feel that he is enough.

There is a lot going on here, like I’ve said from the beginning, and I guess what I’m wondering now is how aware is he of all of this baggage that he has. Because honey, he may be hot (they always are), the sex is certainly awesome (it always is) but the drama is also high with this one, and you are putting in overtime handing his affairs, in every way. And if he’s not even aware that he’s something of a hot mess, you are in for a boatload of work.
So that’s my next question…

I know that you said that he didn’t ask about how you were the other night at dinner and he’s been immersed in his issues, so how would he respond if you told him all of these things that you are telling me? I mean, I guess first you’d have to get him on the phone, right? But is he aware of any of this, and is he willing to work on these things? Does he realize that he’s been in a series of unhealthy relationships and that this one could be different, or is he just coasting along thinking everything with him is fine?
Therein lies the question, and really all of the difference…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jenn,

I feel for you, lady! Of course you want to make things work for your family! And it sounds like despite everything, you do have a really close relationship, with good and honest communication. While it shouldn’t be the case, it is somewhat rare for ex-partners to have so much affection and transparency with each other. I’m really glad that you have that.

I do agree with you that the relationship with this new woman is likely not going to last long, especially if he is not willing to do any work on his own personal issues. Because I will reiterate once again, his issues are his. They are not about you or your daughter, they are rooted in the ways that he’s learned to cope, or not, and until he works them out for himself, they are going to come to the surface, no matter who he is with.

You don’t want to let him think that you are hanging on a string for him, just waiting around, unless that is absolutely 100% true. Even if it is, it isn’t healthy for either of you to have that dynamic lingering over your relationship.
Obviously he still cares about you a lot, and this new relationship is likely not going to last. But he needs to see you as a priority and not a last resort.

My recommendation would be to let him know that you’re not comfortable with the dynamic, and he needs to either poop or get off the pot. Either he wants to be with you, or he doesn’t. Either he wants to give your family another try, and he’s willing to put in the work, or he doesn’t. And if he doesn’t, then you will need to act accordingly.
I’m not necessarily telling you to give him an ultimatum, but more to tell him what you feel and what you’re willing to stand for. It’s not fair to you or your daughter for him to be putting you both on the back burner, but still keeping you on the stove for when he wants a snack.

Not that you have to follow through with anything, but maybe activate an online profile, start chatting with some other men, just put yourself out there. Just even the act of doing that might make you start to feel more alive, more alluring. And if he knows that there’s a chance that he might lose you, maybe he will wake up and take a more in depth look at what he has…

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amy,

It does sound confusing and I’m sorry that he’s turned on you like that. You mentioned that he broke his back last year. Is he on painkillers? Or has he been on them and weaning off? Just wondering as I know that those can cause intense mood swings and for people’s personalities to literally change. So that might be something to think about…

In terms of your list of the ways that he doesn’t think that you’re compatible…it does sound rife with contradictions and inconsistencies, and quite frankly, not the words of a very nice or compassionate person.

You’re not driven yet you have your own successful business. That’s not something that most lazy people would have!

You don’t have good life goals because you let your dogs run around your backyard? That’s just utterly ridiculous! Just because your goals differ from his does not make them wrong.

The fact that you’re aware enough to realize that you say “I can’t” when you’re afraid of something or are confused, but then work through it and do it anyway, is stellar and the mark of a truly strong individual. What’s worse is someone who doesn’t talk about it at all because they aren’t even self aware enough, and then doesn’t do anything about it either.

His being hard on you because of physical limitations due to sickness is just frankly, flat out wrong and cruel. I’m sorry that you contracted Covid, and I hope that you continue to get better.

The fishing thing sounds like…well it sounds like he’s fishing! Trying to come up with something negative to focus on.

I hate to say it, but it just sounds like for whatever reason, he is not ready to be in a relationship and rather than just admit to his own shortcomings, he would rather blame things on you and make you wrong and not enough. When in reality, he is giving so little to this relationship, he is lucky that you are still trying to be with him at all.

Which leads me to my next question…why DO you want to be with him at all? What is so great about him? What is it exactly that you have with him that, as you say, you’ve never had with anyone else? Just because something is the best that you’ve had so far, doesn’t mean it’s all that good, or the best you can have.

It sounds like he’s a somewhat miserable and controlling person. If he hasn’t ever had a happy relationship before and this situation with you that sounds stressful and mildly toxic is the best thing he’s been in, that says something about him, that has nothing to do with you.

You sound like a really lovely person. Kind, helpful, intelligent, and dynamic. What are you getting from this relationship? What is this guy bringing to the table that’s enhancing your life?

Let me know your thoughts,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laurie,

So nice to hear from you, even though I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this awful heartache. I can imagine how devastating seeing all that communication with other women must have felt, especially knowing that he was physically with you at the time. It not only feels like a huge betrayal, it really truly is a huge betrayal, and you have every right to feel hurt.

Do you think in any way though it makes it better knowing that he wasn’t talking to just one other woman, but a multitude of them? The reason I say that is if it was just one other woman, it could be easy to feel like the problem truly was with you, that somehow you weren’t enough and that caused him to like someone else better. But in this case, with so many women involved, it’s obvious that it’s not about you or any of the women. It’s all about him and his pursuit.

It’s clear that he is a very damaged man. He obviously can’t have any real connection with anyone, and just endlessly chases after someone new who doesn’t know the truth of who he is, and will just bask in this fantasy that’s nothing more than a very sad lie.

I know that doesn’t necessarily make it any better for you, but I will keep on reminding you that you did nothing wrong. I know that you feel badly that as a strong and independent woman, you were drawn in by this, but please know that you are not alone. It sounds like he targets women exactly like you, probably because it is more of a challenge to him than a woman who makes it obvious that she needs someone.

And to let you know, this is common. I myself have been drawn in by a man like this, and it’s very alluring. Men who prey on confident and powerful women know just how to draw us in, entice us to let down our guards, and fall into the soft place where we all want to feel safe to go to. They lead us to believe that they are a safe person to be vulnerable with, but in reality, they are not, not at all. But this doesn’t make you, or me, or the scores of other women I know who have fallen into this trap any more fierce and incredible. Do not let this experience rob you of any of that. You are human, and you deserve to be loved in the way that he proclaimed to. the fact the he lied to you says so much about him, and literally nothing about you.

The experience that you had with your ex speaks to that very distinctly. The fact that he recognized that he had made the biggest mistake of his life and begged you to come back to him, shows that any of his actions to tell you that he wasn’t in love in the first place was directly on him, and whatever he was going through, and had nothing to do with you. It sounds like that was very affirming at the time, and even though you will likely never get that from this recent man, hopefully just knowing that can reinforce for you that it’s certainly the case.

You are the one that got away, and you are much better for it.

The fact that you’re not inclined to enact revenge says much about your character as well. It shows that you are better than that in many ways. You don’t need to bring him down in order to rise up, you will rise to the top anyway. As a matter of fact, you’ve always been high up there, above him, out of his league.
While I do always like for cheaters and abusers to be exposed, I also appreciate that it doesn’t have to be your responsibility to do so.

Please keep me posted on how things are going for you. I really admire you and want you to continue to remember that none of this is about you. You are a beautiful and wonderful woman who deserves and will find true love.

At some point, let’s talk more about how you get into relationships so that we can develop a plan for you to be able to put yourself out there, without being afraid of repeating a similar experience.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jennifer,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It’s evident that you have a lot of love for this man, and you’ve been through so much together. 15 years is a pretty decent amount of history together, and if you’re still attracted to each other after all that time, that’s saying a lot too, haha!
Most people are trying to figure out how to “spice” things up after all that time, but that seems to be a part of the relationship that needs no help at all.

What I’m reading into this though, is that it sounds like he makes a lot of things your fault, and that you have come to believe that it’s true. You had to learn how to cope with his anger, and appease him in order not to upset your daughter.
You have to change in order to make the relationship work and show him how much he means to you. You were talking with your ex and so he started looking to date someone else. You assure him that things will be good if you get back together. You are in therapy.
Do you see what I’m getting at here?

It really feels like you are doing all the work to get him back, and what is he doing to prove that he is worthy of you being back with him? Has he shown that he has made any changes or done any personal growth work to ensure that he won’t be angry all the time, and he won’t be a partner in creating an unhappy environment for you and your daughter? Has he done any therapy?

You sound like a strong and self reflective woman, which I admire as I am one too. It’s always tempting to look at what we can do to create the changes that we want to see, instead of accepting the fact that sometimes there’s nothing that we can do because the changes that need to happen are with others, and no matter what we do, nothing will change until the other person makes the same if not stronger commitment to the issues at hand.

I would so love to see your family reunited, if it is truly going to be a joy and blessing for all of you. I just don’t want to see you doing all of the work to get to that place, and would like to know what you would require of him in order to allow him back into your life in that way.

Looking forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amy,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with all of this, sounds like a lot of different hats that you are wearing with this man. From lover and wife, to advisor and therapist, to stepmom and confidante to his child. That is a LOT, and I just want to acknowledge that to you.

I understand that you really are attracted to this man, and that you have felt happy with him in the beginning, but how happy are you with the way he’s been treating you recently?

I have to say, he sounds a bit selfish and self absorbed. Sure he is going through something difficult right now, but you are doing so much to help him and he is not treating you well at all. His behaviour just doesn’t sound that respectful or kind, or thinking of anyone outside of himself.

I know that you feel like maybe you didn’t handle everything perfectly, but you are handling a lot, and you deserve some credit for that.

It’s easy for someone to be open to love when they are in a good space, but in order to really know the truth of who someone is, you have to see them at their worst as well, and then determine who they really at least have the capacity to be.

I’m curious, do you know what it is that makes him feel that you’re so incompatible? It sounds like a very sudden realization to have after you’ve known someone for over a year, and then moved in with them and discussed marriage and children…It doesn’t sound rational or thought out, but more just like a trigger.

Do you agree?

I guess the question is, where do you want to go from here? I’d be focused on finding out more about what the specific incompatibilities are, and having a very serious talk with him about how you want to move forward. I always believe that honesty is best, so telling him how you feel and how his daughter is attached to you, and how much you’re actually doing for him would be a good starting point.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Keep us posted on how this goes! I agree that it’s difficult to let someone down, but as Heidi mentioned, better to do it sooner than later, as it will only get more difficult in time.

Let us know if you need any more guidance on the specifics, but it sounds like you’ve got this!

Here for you,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Elizabeth,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your story and telling us a bit about what’s going on for you. It can be difficult to know whether or not someone will be ready and available for the future that you see with them, and it’s hard to know whether waiting and being patient will pay off, or just end in much time wasted and heartache.

I have to say, but as a relationship professional, it’s typically the latter. Here’s how we can tell.

First rule of thumb: when a man tells you at the beginning, when he is still telling you what you want to hear and trying to reel you in, that he is not ready for a relationship, you have to believe him. If you think that he is going to change that in short order, you would be incorrect.

A big red flag: He lied to you from the very beginning. Sure you could say that he just lied about it being 3 months instead of 6 and I’m sure there was a good reason for it, etc etc, but a lie is still a lie. If the relationship starts with lies, it will continue. If he lied to you and then came clean, and saw that you were ok with the lie, he will know that he can keep lying and you will be ok with it when you find out the truth.

Another issue: He was in a very toxic relationship for a long time. Do you think that he was perfect and his ex was just awful, and it was all her fault? It takes two to tango, don’t you think? He had at least some portion of responsibility for that mess, and even if his only fault was staying (spoiler alert: I donut it was), that still says a lot about his capacity to be in a healthy relationship.

So here’s the thing. I commend the guy for letting you know up front that he’s not relationship material and that he’s not going to be able to commit to you for a good long while. If he was really commendable he would have stopped seeing you then. But men (and all of us) want what they want, so I’m sure it’s easier to keep you hanging on.

So it’s up to you. How long do you want to wait? Do you think that something is going to drastically change in the next 2 months or so that will heal and change him from years of a toxic relationship?

I have my opinion, but what really matters is what you can commit to doing for your own life.

Thoguhts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

My rule of thumb with a friend with benefits kind of thing that you proposed with Paul is to really focus on the friends part. Because if you’re not really friends, then you’re just fuckbuddies, which is similar but definitely different.

That’s usually a case where the sex is so great that it’s all that you really want to do together, and so you make an agreement to just be in it for the sex.

With a FWB, you genuinely enjoy the person’s company and consider them a friend, but you don’t see a realistic long term relationship for whatever reason, and so you preserve the friendship, while also having the comfort and fun of a sexual relationship.
It sounds like the situation with Paul is exactly that. So, that being said, treat him like a friend!

Would you invite a friend to go to this on their birthday or would that seem like too much to you? If the only thing that makes it feel weird is because you hooked up with him, then you are letting yourself fall into the trap of seeing this as some sort of pseudo relationship, instead of the FWB agreement that you agreed upon.

Does that make sense to you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jimeko,

I understand how that can be confusing! But here’s the thing, when someone tells you something like that, you have to believe them. Too many times, women will spend time with a man who says that they don’t want a relationship thinking that he will change if they just act a certain way, give him what he wants, don’t give him what he doesn’t want, etc etc.
Then they do all these things to please a man in the hopes that he will see what a good partner they are and change his mind. It might seem like he is changing his mind because of what you just said…you are doing all of the things that couples do, he expresses care for you, etc etc, but when you eventually become dissatisfied and tell him that you want more, he will tell you that he said from the beginning that he doesn’t want a relationship, and how can you argue with that? He did…
I don’t want you to fall into that trap!

So here’s what you need to let him know. You are a prize. You are a wonderful person and a fabulous partner. If he isn’t able to give you the commitment that you want and deserve, then you are going to look for someone who is. And that’s that. And you have to stick to that.

Does that sound at all like a realistic plan for you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi RS,

Thanks for your message and welcome to the forum! I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. You’re right! It is definitely painful and upsetting to not know where you stand in a relationship.

It sounds like it was nice for a short while, but unfortunately, many people hide the truth of who they are in the beginning when they are getting to know someone and they put their best foot forward. So they will do all the little things that will reel you in, not necessarily to play you, but mostly unconsciously. Everyone wants love and acceptance, and men are no different, even though they pretend to be. So I think sometimes a man meets someone, thinks that he wants to be in a relationship, but in reality he’s really not ready for it. So when things start to get real and he actually has to step up to the plate and be a mature and caring person, he runs away because he doesn’t have the capacity to keep up the facade.

Sure, he might have someone else and isn’t telling you. He also might have intense things going on with family or work, or any number of other things. It sounds like you don’t know him well, so you really have no idea what his life is like.
But whatever it is, it doesn’t sound like he’s willing and ready to make having a relationship a priority. I’m sorry.

I tell women this all the time, as your experience is very common. It’s so important to really be clear about what you want and are looking for in the beginning of a relationship and make sure that the other person is wanting the same. You can’t trust people’s actions when you don’t know them, and while you can’t necessarily trust their words either, at least if you’ve had the conversation you can gauge to some degree what they are after.

You’ve asked what to do, and at this point, it sounds like there’s not much that you can do. He isn’t responding and that’s not fair to you. He doesn’t sound willing to make time for the relationship so you have to decide if waiting for him to change his mind is the best use of your time.

Let us know how it goes!
xoxo
Spyce

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