[Coach Spyce]

Hello!

Just wanted to check in and see how things are going with you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there!

How are you? Haven’t heard from you in a bit so just wanted to check in and see if there were any new developments in your romantic life.

Keep us in the loop!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

How are you? I just wanted to check in and see how things are going with your sexploration!

Give us an update 😉

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Caroline,

How are you? Just wanted to check in and see how you’re holding up and if there have been any new developments.

Hope you’re well!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Megan,

How are things going? Thanks for sharing that about your previous “situationship”, so to speak. Sounds like it was really disappointing to have that happen with someone who you felt really connected to and comfortable with. It must have felt like a betrayal!

I mean, first off he initiates and pursues moving the relationship to a romantic level, which already is a very dicey thing to do, especially since he was already engaged. Then he drops the relationship once things get weird, which obviously they were going to. It must have hurt that he wasn’t willing to fight for the friendship, and instead made it all your fault for being “needy” or whatever. That sucks and men often do that when they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. They blame the woman for having an honest discussion when in reality, it takes two to tango, and he more than led this dance! I’m sorry that happened.

While I know that this past situation makes you anxious now, I do just want to point out how different your current relationship is. First off, you are in a real relationship with someone who is not lying about you and actively wants to be with you. Of course no one is perfect, but to be honest, it sounds like he’s someone who is at least aware of his issues and is willing, if hesitant, to work on them. That’s really a step in the right direction!

So what you can do, is to continue what you are doing now. Becoming aware of your emotions and why you’re doing what you do, and take responsibility for what’s yours. Not blaming him or trying to make him be in charge of your happiness and anxiety. Recognizing that this is your stuff, and not making him have to change his behaviour in order to make you feel better. Of course there is some of that needed in a healthy relationship, but as of now, it doesn’t sound like he is really doing much to cause the anxiety, and it’s more based on the past.

Honestly girl, I think you’re doing well! Really exciting to hear that you have a date of when you’re going to Germany! I think that hopeful trepidation is a super accurate description of the most normal feelings that you could be having!

What is your plan for being there? Will you stay with him? Will he have time off? Tell me more! Let’s set you up for success 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Wow, sounds like a lot of fun! Very adventurous and way to put yourself out there. And obviously you have a very active social life, or at least the ability to have one when you are home.

I have to say, I think your main issue is your job, or maybe rather your commitment to staying with something that doesn’t serve you. As much as it’s admirable that you don’t want to be thought of as someone who will leave a job, I personally would think that it’s a good quality to be a person who doesn’t stick with something where they are miserable. Self care is very important, and more and more people are starting to realize how vital it is to be good to ourselves.

You only have one life. Not to be crass, but anyone of us could die tomorrow. Why put off doing what you want in life for some sense of obligation? And to be frank, no one is putting that on you besides you. That’s the good news! The reason why it’s good is because you are in charge of your own life, and so this is an issue that you can actually change if you want to. That’s the thing…if you want to. You have to decide what’s more important to you.

I was just talking with someone today who is contemplating moving who said, “wherever you go, there you are”, and I’ve heard that a lot from people who are not happy where they are, and are trying to justify it. In reality, I don’t think that’s totally true. Yes, deep personal issues are things that you need to work on wherever you are in the world, but it’s also true that there are different opportunities, and a different flavor and culture in different spots. People go to a place for a certain thing, so it would be ignorant to think that every place is the same.

Obviously you’re experiencing that fact!

So I’m just encouraging you to go for what you want, instead of limiting yourself based on what others might think of you, or the expectations you assume others have. I know that your mom was very hardon you and I’m sure that’s where this feeling comes from, but you are a grown woman and you don’t have to live by anyone else’s rules but your own. AND, you get to make up what those will be!

Anyway, here’s to you being happy and fulfilled. That’s what I want to see for you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Megan,

It’s really great that you can look honestly at yourself and your own insecurities and take responsibilities where things may be falling short in the relationship. That says a lot and it sounds like he appreciates it as well.

Even though he’s a person who wants to be in control and expresses his love through caring for others, that’s still a potentially unhealthy and taxing pattern of behaviour, and it does get tiring. I’m sure that having someone in his life who he can relax into knowing that they can hold things together themselves on some level is a huge relief to him, and ultimately what will be the most healthy partner for him.

It sounds like you have that ability, and you just need to hone in on that. What’s been happening recently to make you feel needy and insecure? Is it because of his hesitation to have you join him or is it something else?
As you’ve witnessed, that very thing is probably a large part of what is making him hesitant. A real catch-22!

So continuing to be positive and recognize that whatever he is going through is not an indication of a lack of love or desire for you but something internal in himself, will really help the relationship to prosper.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

It’s been a while since I said hi so I figured I’d jump in and say hello, see how things are doing!

Sounds like things are still stressful at work and that you’d prefer to be back at home. Sorry to hear that! Is there an end in sight at all? I know you had mentioned that things might change towards the end of the year. Is that still looking realistic at all? I’m hoping so! I know how much you really want to get out of there, and it sounds like from your most recent message that things have gotten worse in that arena, not better. I’m so sorry 🙁

But of course you are making the best of things, as per usual. There are so many people that left the sufferings of life take over and bring them down, but you always seem to be able to find a way to have a silver lining. I like that about you, and I’m sure many others in your life do too! You are realistic and optimistic, which is a great attitude to have.

Sounds like you are headed off for a fun weekend. That should be great! I’ll look forward to hearing how things went on Monday 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Ok that’s a good start. So the next question is about the good days…how often were they? And were they something that you could rely on, or did you never know when they would come, or when things would be bad?

It’s difficult to be with someone who has unchecked PTSD, or other kinds of mental health issues. Because as you said, you can’t fix that, only he can. And while it’s ok to be angry, it’s not ok to take it out on your partner.
It’s ok to say, “I have trust issues from previous relationships”, but it’s not ok to use that as an excuse for accusing your current partner of things that you are afraid of.

You can hope and pray that he will make the effort to heal, but that’s something that he has to decide to do on his own. It’s not about you, and it doesn’t matter how much he loves you or not. It’s his baggage and he has to unpack it. It’s not your responsibility, and you shouldn’t be thinking about how to do the “right things” so he doesn’t get angry or upset.

It concerns me that he is really irrational when triggered, and says cruel things to try and hurt you. That’s not fair to you at all, and will only eat away at you having a good sense of self esteem.

Four months is not a long time to be with someone, and if he’s already blaming you for so much in his life, it’s only going to get worse. Do you really want that?

You said, I do love and care about him in a way I haven’t about anyone before.

He may be the best that you’ve had, but that doesnt mean he has to be the best you’ll ever have. You have to think about what you want. Do you want to be with someone who will treat you the way that he does?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Catherine,

That’s good to hear! What do you plan to do to “work on” yourself? Or what you been doing thus far in the realm?

Would love to continue to support you on your journey to health and happiness!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kristina,

That totally makes sense and of course you want to feel safe when communicating with someone. The fact that you don’t is a bit of a red flag to me, along with what feels like emotionally abusive texts from him, and a potentially toxic relationship in general.

So my next questions are this: What do you like about him? Why do you want to be with him? What is good about your relationship? How do you feel when you’re with him?

Let’s get clear on what you’re fighting for so you can be really sure that you want to go to that extent.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Megan,

That is a sweet story, and of course would be lovely if it could work out. What I’m seeing as some of the potential issues are due to the fact that so much of this is based in fantasy, nostalgia, and endless longing, and not based in the realities of your actual lives.

You’ve wanted to be together for so many years, since age 5! That’s a lot of pressure to put on the situation now. it feels like it has to work out this way, or this life long dream will have failed. Even though you are not consciously putting that pressure on him, it’s a pressure within the relationship that he is likely feeling.

He sounds like the kind of high achieving person who wants to make sure that everything is done right, and everything is perfect. Ad I’m sure you know, life is full of imperfections, and it’s how we handle and roll with those imperfections that make things work out or not.
It sounds like he is nervous that this won’t work out perfectly, and so therein lies his hesitation in having you move over there.

Also, how long has it been since his divorce? And has he done any work to heal from that situation? It sounds like he was really deeply affected by that loss, and feels very responsible for how it all went down.

I can understand his hesitation then to get deeply involved with someone else, especially if he hasn’t fully healed from that past relationship. And especially with someone who he has such a long history with such as yourself. I’m sure that the last thing he wants to do is feel like he failed with you.

So before he gets deeper with you, he has to reconcile his feelings of failure in his previous marriage. This has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you and how much he loves you, but it can and will affect how much and how quickly he is able to be deeply involved with you.

Is he willing to talk about any of this? Or deal with his past in a healthy and productive way? The thing is that he does have baggage that he is bringing with him to this relationship, and he’s the only one who can unpack it. So he has to be willing to first off recognize that, and then be willing to do something about it.

All that you can do during this process is communicate with him and be loving, caring, and patient. Pushing him and telling him what you need from him is probably not going to work in this scenario as I really believe that he’s terrified of doing this wrong and losing you.

What do you think?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mary,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your question! I’m sorry to hear that things are rocky in your relationship right now. It’s always so tough when we feel like we’ve done something wrong that’s affecting the situation, and we aren’t able to convince the other party to see things our way. I’m sorry that you’re going through that.

There are a few things in your letter though that make me wonder…first off, why was it that you didn’t want to commit for two years? Were there red flags that you saw inherent in the relationship? What gave you pause?
Also, what was it that caused you to change your mind?

You say that he said it was toxic but that you disagree with that observation. What do you feel like are the issues between the two of you?

It sounds like you see a pathway to making this work, so what is that? What would it take? I know that you say that you love each other, but unfortunately, that’s usually not enough to make something work out if there are other insurmountable issues.

So let’s start there and see what we can do to create a way for the two of you to reconnect.
Sound good?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kristina,

Thanks for writing in and letting us know how you are doing! So I’m hearing a bit of a mixed message here. You’re saying on one hand that you love this man and want to get back together with him, but it doesn’t sound like you are putting any effort towards that.

What I’m getting from the voicemail that he left is that he feels very betrayed and like you aren’t listening to him, or respecting the sanctity of your relationship. He’s saying that you’re not responding to him, nor giving him the space to connect with you.

Is that true? If so, why not? If you want to get back together with him, then you will have to be willing to communicate with him.

If on the other hand you don’t want to message him or answer his calls, maybe that means that you don’t wan to be with him. If that’s the case, that’s ok too. You are not obligated to be with him, are you?

It’s priority here to determine what you want. if you want to be with him, then you will need to answer the phone and try and have a clear and honest conversation with him. If you don’t feel like that’s possible for whatever reason, you may want to really look at if trying to make it work with him is the best course of action.

Let me know what you’d like the outcome to be here, and then we can further advise you on how to get closer to that.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Megan,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m glad to hear that things have b een looking up in your communication this week, and hopefully they will continue to improve.

I have a few questions to fully understand your dynamic. First off, I’m curious to know how it is that you’ve known each other for 30 years, and just in the last year have become romantic partners. How did that come about? Were you together before this at any time?

To be fair, the way that people enter a relationship says a lot about how the relationship will/can progress, and what the issues might be from the beginning. Often people just fall into a situation without much in depth conversation about the reality of what that means, and what it looks like for their lives moving forward. You say that your partner is “not a talker” so I wonder how much of that in depth conversation that you had before you transitioned into partnership, and really hashed out what that would mean for both of you.

Also, what has the past been like for both of you in terms of relationships? If he has been single for the last 17 years that he’s been in the military, it could feel like a major undertaking to bring a girlfriend/wife into an already established scenario that he’s already comfortable in. For some people, long distance is easier for them as that way they don’t have to engage as fully, and this seems like this could be the case.
Also as the hero type that wants to provide for you, he’s already expressed that he is anxious about the idea of you coming there and not being happy, and him not being able to provide. It’s likely not so much a financial thing, especially if you can bring your work with you, but more of an emotional dilemma. He probably doesn’t feel like he has the emotional capacity to be a full time partner.

So its more than just giving him the opportunity to be reeled in by engaging his hero instinct, you want to know how to engage him for the long haul, correct? That will take really getting to what’s at the root of him pulling away, what you want, and what he feels like he can give.

I’d like to know more about what those things are, (ie: what do you really want from him?) and then we can come up with a game plan to engage him in a deeper way.

Make sense?

xoxo
Spyce

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