[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

I totally just want to keep on pointing out the fact that no matter what, you are not to blame in any of this. You didn’t know that this was such an issue for him, and as mentioned, it’s entirely his issue that’s not exactly rational.
While we can all agree that it could make someone feel a bit uncomfortable and triggered, to let that discomfort rule your life and affect your ability to have a wonderful relationship is just wrong and ridiculous.
So hopefully he can recognize this and start making some changes soon so he doesn’t lose out on a really wonderful opportunity with you.

I agree that a some point you should reach back out, but only if it will help you with your own closure. You continuing to try and convince him of anything is a moot point, and you don’t need to stand up for anything because you did nothing wrong. He has to be the one to recognize that he’s overreacting and that he’s going to miss out on a good thing. I don’t know that there’s much else that you can do to show him that…

Hopefully he will have some time to think and he will realize how immature he is being, but even if he doesn’t, the best thing that you can do is to remember that you’re not broken, and that you are a good catch. If it doesn’t work out with him, you have to be able to see the blessing in this.

Of course, I am willing to help however you like, and if you want to write to him, I will absolutely brainstorm and draft up whatever.

Just let me know,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Sorry to hear that your messages weren’t going through! We’ve got this one now though!

I agree that talking too much about how things were in a time when he’s dealing with really heavy things could have the opposite effect and make him feel bad about where he is now, as opposed to where he was when you first met.
I don’t know that it’s imperative now to ensure him why you’re with him as much as it is to just be there for him, however you can.

The issue is that when people are dealing with grief and fear, they often don’t know what they need, and so when someone asks “how can I support you”, it can feel like work to have to come up with an answer. So it’s easier to just pull away and not respond.

I think you just might have to use your intuition on this one. Keep reaching out, and don’t take it personally when he doesn’t respond. Just do the things for him that you want to do, and don’t be too attached to the outcome. Maybe just show up on his doorstep with food or something that you know that he likes. Keep checking in, and maybe soon he will know what he needs.

What did you think about the voice memo idea? Many people I know love those as a way to feel close.

Also, there might be some support groups either through the hospital or some local organizations that can help you with this. People who are supporting loved ones who are ill and that kind of thing. It’s definitely a tough situation, and I’d like to see you getting some support as well while you navigate how best to be there for him.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Good to hear back from you! So let’s break this down. You wonder if you could have done some things differently. Let’s imagine you had from the very beginning said to him, “hey look, I just wanted to let you know before we go any further, that many years ago on a drunken occasion, I hooked up with your brother”. To me, that sounds silly.
Because the thing is, it’s not your issue, it’s of so little importance to you, so why would you have thought of telling him that?
Did you know that he had this intense issue with his brother sleeping with people that he liked beforehand? If so, then sure, maybe you could have. But the real question is, would it have elicited a different result? Would it have made a difference? Or would it just have caused this great connection you have to never have been explored at all?

I am well aware that nagging Matt about this is only going to push him away more and I think it probably already has a bit, but I am not satisfied with the way he ended things so abruptly.
You have every right to not be satisfied and to want answers. Because of his reaction, you are being treated like you’ve done something wrong, and it sounds like you’re taking on that burden as well. But in reality, you did absolutely nothing wrong! I understand that he’s hurt and triggered, but it’s infantile to blame you for doing something that he didn’t like years before you even knew he existed. You still are a person in this relationship, and his treatment of you is poor at best.

Which brings me to this point…I know maybe this isn’t something that you wan to think about yet, but you really should have it at least in the back of your mind whether to not you truly wan to be with this person. He is showing his true colors to you in a big way, and in my mind, this is not a good look. He’s acting like a big baby, and there’s no reason that you should have to be begging for his attention when you’ve done nothing wrong.

So while I do agree that you should stop contacting him, or at least pull back, it’s not because of him and his needs, it’s because of you, and your self respect. Why keep giving your time and energy to a person who is not respecting it, and who is treating you like garbage because of his issue? That’s so far from what you deserve in a relationship that it’s not funny.

I know you’ve said that he treated you like gold before, but this is an indication of how he will treat you whenever something happens tha he’s not happy with. Life is hard at times, and full of struggles. Do you really want to have a family with a man who will run a the first sign of uncomfortable feelings? He is no prize from where I’m sitting.

The experiences that you had with him in these first three months are the baseline that you should expect in any relationship, and then the next level, is what do they do when there is conflict? Do they run, or do they face it head on? Do they take responsibility for their own issues, or do they blame it all on the other person?

I’d really like you to think long and hard on why you want this so much, and if this is really what you want. Because I have to say girlfriend, it sounds like a lot more trouble than it’s worth!

Let me know your thoughts 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this! It’s such a difficult thing, and a really frustrating situation! The part that is the most frustrating, is the fact that there’s really nothing that you can do. Because the issues actually have nothing to do with you, and is all about him.

As you’ve been discussing with Heidi, he has a big issue here, and one that he’s letting run his life, and ruin his relationships. It’s his story that he’s extremely committed to, and until he discovers why he’s so hell bent on holding on to this, it’s going to rule him.

You keep saying, what can I do, what can I say, how can I make him understand and see my point. I totally understand that desire and it’s a very rational line of thinking. If he could just see that I love him, don’t care about Ben, it was a drunken one night stand, etc, etc, he will stop being upset with me and we can be together.

But it’s not that simple because as mentioned, this has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Sadly, triggers cannot be rationalized with, unless the person who is triggered is willing to do the work to change that. And it just sounds like he has so much to unpack there, he’s literally frozen in place, and just pushing it all away, losing out in the process.

So that’s the question…for him. How long is he willing to keep losing to Ben? How long is he willing to keep putting his desires and his happiness on the back burner because of Ben’s shenanigans? Things happen in life to teach us lessons, and to give us the opportunities to change, heal, and get everything we’ve always wanted, or to stay stuck in the bs rhetoric that we’ve created. He has a really amazing chance here with a wonderful person who is willing to stand by him while he works through this. We can hope that he takes it, but in he end, it comes down to how strong of a person he really is, and how willing to live in hope he is.

As Heidi mentioned, this is an indication of who he is as a person. It sounds like you are someone who wants to be open, transparent, and work through whatever gets in the way of a deep connection when you have one. That’s a really admirable quality. Unfortunately though, it sounds like he is more the type to shut down and say “I don’t know” rather than scour for answers as to how he can live a more fulfilling life.

It comes down to hope or fear. Which do you want to live in?

I understand that you want to fight for him, but he has to want to fight for himself. So at this point, it’s up to you. If you really want to try and get through to him, I’d start with a voice memo, or maybe a video message. Or see if you can get ahold of him on the phone. And then say all of this because what do you have to lose?

And if after you’ve given it your all he still doesn’t want to do the work, you have to let it go and recognize that you are an amazing person. Even though I don’t know you, the fact that you’d go through all of this for him is remarkable, and says a lot about you. You will make someone a wonderful partner, and not someone that you have to convince to grow in order to meet you. Someone who is already there on your level.

So however it pans out, you will be ok!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Well first off, I can say that technology can be wonky, and it’s difficult to say 100% for certain that he is actually viewing you time and again. I mean, with some of these apps it’ll show that you’re online when you’re not, and then someone will be like, “hey! you’re online and you’re not responding!” and you may not have even been on the app for the last week.

Again, I’m not sure exactly how that particular app works, but I know that sometimes you can click on a notification and it can take you somewhere that you’re not trying to go, so it could be something as simple as that.

But let’s assume that he IS checking you out regularly but not sending a message…there could be soooooo many reasons for that that I’d rather not pontificate about and instead just focus on what you can do, and what you want to do.

Obviously you can send him a message and say hello, nothing wrong with that. Yes the smoking is a turn off, but you never know…he may be ready to quit. Or I’ve even seen people who have outdated information on a profile and never change it, or click something again by accident. I will say, not all older people are technologically savvy. Sometimes they have their kids or a friend set something up, and they don’t even know that they’ve checked a certain box. So as much as I too despise cigarettes, if everything else seems really wonderful, I would caution against ruling him out based on that alone.

In terms of what you want to do…well I know that for all of your assertiveness in other aspects of your life, you can be a little gun shy to make the first move in romance. However I think you’re doing yourself a disservice by buying into that old pattern, and it’s really not serving you. You’re a strong and independent woman, who does what she wants in life. You’re not going to find the kind of man that will appreciate that by sitting back and being a wallflower. The kind of man who would be a good fit for you, would certainly enjoy a woman who is confident enough to make the first move.

So that being said, what are you waiting for? Don’t talk yourself out of it too much! I mean, what do you have to lose?

Being the little devil on your shoulder (or is it angel, lol),
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ale,

Thanks for joining our forum, and letting us know about your relationship. Welcome!

I’m sorry to hear that things are tough right now with your partner. It’s hard when you’re not sure if things are worth fighting for, but if you’re always fighting, that’s no good either!

So it sounds like things have been rocky from the start, is that what you’re saying? Can you elaborate on how that plays out?

You say that you are too needy, but I wonder what that means, and if that’s something that you think, or something that he tells you. From what you’re saying, it sounds like a really difficult situation if he is not around very often, and then when he is home, he doesn’t make you a priority. I think most women would have a hard time with that. I don’t see that as being needy. Spending time with someone is an important part of a relationship, and if he doesn’t make time for you, that can be very tough to handle.

In terms of the social media, I think that depends on how active he is on there. If he’s someone who is rarely on there, maybe it’s no that important to him. If he’s on there all the time, then it would feel like he’s hiding something if he doesn’t want to acknowledge you as his partner when the two of you are living together.

In terms of whether or not it’s “normal”…well that’s a loaded question. It can be normal, but that doesn’t mean that it’s healthy. It doesn’t sound like either one of you are happy in the relationship, and that’s not sustainable. I’m curious if you’re really compatible or want the same things out of a relationship. If you want something from someone that they are not freely giving, it’s never going to feel good or be sustainable. So I’d think that’s a good place to look at.

First off, what do you want and need in a relationship, and then…does he give you that?

Looking forward to hearing more,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Something that can be helpful to create a sense of connection with partners when they are far away, either physically or figuratively, is to send voice memos. You can express so much more via voice and it’s inflections than you can through sending emails or texts. To be honest, I despise texting for most any kind of communication, except maybe the quick note for planning purposes. But when it comes to anything of meaning, text is really awful. And it sounds like Brian is not a fan of it as well! Who can blame him? Unless you’re one of these kids who came out of the womb clutching a cell phone, it can be a big pain to have any kind of real conversation when you have to tap out your heartfelt answers on a little screen!

It sounds like when he’s in a bad place, it’s also difficult for him to talk on the phone as well, but I’m sure that he can listen to your messages. Do you have iphones? If so, you can decide to turn on the read receipts so that way you can know when he’s getting the message, and at least feel a bit of comfort from that.

But I also don’t think it’s wrong to ask for some of what you need. If you have trauma and abandonment issues, of course it’s going to be difficult to stay resourced and not feel triggered and scared often. That’s not fair for you either. And the less resourced you feel, the less you are truly able to be there for him. So it’s not wrong for you to express what you need from your interactions as well.

Hopefully these suggestions can help you both to navigate through these difficult experiences and be able to relate in a way that is supportive and nourishing to you both!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Megan,

Just wanted to check in and see how things are going! Are you visiting with your partner yet?
We are here to support you while you’re on your trip, so do let us know if anything comes up.

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Valetta,

To me this sounds like the natural ebb and flow of the beginnings of a relationship. Unfortunately men are the hunter/gatherer kind of creature. They like to hunt, but once they have found & “killed their prey”, they tend to move on.
That’s why I always encourage people to take things slow when they first start dating someone. Get to know each other and build a connection.

Also if you are just giving up all of your time to be with someone, it can seem like you don’t have anything else going on in your life, and that becomes unattractive to a potential partner. For a healthy relationship, you want both parties to be bringing something interesting to the table. No one wants someone who has nothing else in their life besides the person that they jus met. He probably feels at this point like he knows everything about you, which I’m sure that he doesn’t.

But before you try so hard to re-engage him, I’d look more at who this person is and determine if you’re really that interested in him anyway.

What’a so great about him? Do you see a future with him? Why? Does he have the qualities that you’re looking for in a partner? If so, what are those?
He doesn’t sound super communicative or mature? Is that important to you?

It’s important to be clear on what you want before pursuing someone, as that will make the pursuit that much more fruitful! So I’d figure out more about what you’re actually looking for before putting in too much more energy.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

hi Cynthia,

Thanks for writing in to the forum! We are happy to have you here and hope to be able to offer you additional support during these tough times in your life, for your partner, and for you!

I’m really sorry to hear that your partner is ill, and that his cancer may have returned. It’s so difficult to get a repeat diagnosis when you’ve been doing well, and always having to check in about might must be so stressful. Having to go through significant testing and waiting around for results is the worst, and I can imagine you are both on the edge of your seats at all times.

So of course it must hurt that he is not wanting to share this experience with you, when you care so deeply and want to be there for him, and with him, by his side. But it makes sense, given his past history, that he would be nervous about letting you be too involved with his illness. He was rejected before by his wife who wasn’t there for him in sickness and in health, and I’m sure that he’s afraid to let you in for fear that the same thing will happen. It’s very difficult for someone to be sick and feel reliant on someone else, especially a man who may want to be the provider and the support in the relationship.

It also sounds like he’s seriously struggling with self esteem, and that likely comes from dealing with his illness as well. If he’s not able to be as active or vibrant as he wants, it may be hard for him to feel like he has anything to offer you, and he doesn’t want to drag you down. All of this is playing into why he is pulling away. I’m sure it has nothing to do with how he feels about you, but rather that he doesn’t want to be a burden.

So what you can do right now is just not take it personally, and keep contacting him. I don’t think that he wants you to stop or that by doing so that you are annoying him and/or pushing him away. I think your consistent contact is reassuring him that this time will be different, and maybe it can encourage him to trust in your desire to be with him, through thick and thin.

If it were me, I’d just keep sending him messages and leaving him voicemails. In it, I’d let him know that it’s ok if he doesn’t feel able to respond right now, you just want him to know that you’re there, and that you’ll be there. Also you can maybe say that you hope that he will let you in closer, and how you’d really like to be a part of his life, and his treatment, whatever that may be.

Only word of caution is this: are you certain that you do want to be with him through all of this? It can be a tough road, and it would be best if you decide before you get in too deep that you are up for challenge, and all that comes with it. I’m so sorry to have to say this, but you have to look realistically at the possibility that he might die and how you feel about that. Of course he could live for many years to come, and life has no guarantees for any of us. Love is definitely worth fighting for!

Let us know how things are going. We are rooting for you both!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Rhonda,

What a fun story! That’s really nice that you have made a connection with someone who has similar interests. It is of course difficult to exactly determine what someone’s story is from a few brief conversations, but of course more can come in time. And you are an excellent sleuth, and very observant! But still hard to say, right?
I mean, people can say “I’ even when they are partnered, and they can say “we”, and mean me and my cat, or me and offspring, or friend, or anyone! But I think that there are ways to have a casual conversation about seemingly random things and get information.
Let me know if you want any ideas!

I haven’t spent too much time in Canada, although I would love to. I have some Canadian friends who are the nicest people. And I do know that it’s very pretty up there. I actually grew up in upstate NY, so I know the climate at least on the East Coast. I didn’t live that far upstate, but my aunt lived on the Canadian border, so I got that experience.

I also know many people from BC, and now I live in the West Coast, so I know that climate as well! I’ve dreamed of moving up there, but it might be too much rain for me, and then there’s the pesky citizenship. Oh well! For now I can just look at my Canadian friend’s pictures and get an idea.

Hope things are going well!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

I’m all ears for whatever, whenever!

Keep me posted 🙂

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

Welcome to the forum! So it depends on what you mean by too early…because here’s the thing. I believe in being open and clear about your wants and needs from the very beginning. if you are wanting a serious relationship, why are you hanging around with a guy who doesn’t? Thinking that he will come to his senses, or change his mind after getting to know you, is always a sad waiting game. It doesn’t work!

If a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, I sure am not going to go out of my way to convince him that he does. I am going to move on and keep looking for someone who wants what I do.

So that’s my next question: What do you want? Do you want a relationship or do you want a flirtatious vibe?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Aw Michelle, I’m so sorry to hear that! I was really hoping that seeing you like that would push him a bit out of the grief and have him reach back out. But either way, I’m really glad that you did it! You are a really caring person and he is blessed to have someone who is so understanding in his life.

I think what scares me most is I know he’s a good person. To not acknowledge anything I’m doing with even a text really makes me worry. Does depression and grief really do this to people?

Yes AND that also doesn’t mean that it’s fair, or that you have to keep waiting around like this. At a certain point, whether he’s in grief or not, life continues, and the living are still here. If he focuses solely on the dead, the living will have to move on, because life is always moving. I know that you don’t want to move on, but you also can’t continually wait for a response from him.

How long has it been now? Have you heard from him at all?

I am a very assertive and nurturing person, and so for me, the final straw would be to just show up at his doorstep. He doesn’t sound so far like a person who would get mad about that, I hope. He can’t ignore you when you’re there. Well he can not come to the door but…

No need to feel like you’re being selfish, no matter what you feel. This is all difficult. You are human, and you can’t be asked to put someone else’s feelings above your own forever. There will come a point where he’s going to have to start engaging with you or you may have to move on. For now though, what do you think about the idea of going to see him?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

You’re welcome! Hope to hear from you again soon 🙂

[Author]

Posts