[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry if anything I brought up feels painful to discuss or think on. You are obviously a very intelligent and deep thinking person and I have utmost faith in your decision making in this situation. I fully support you doing exactly what feels right to you and I understand where you’re coming from with all of this.

Of course having a discussion like I or your therapist recommended is difficult to do when he’s not responding to anything right now. And yes, I’m sure that you are right in saying that to ask for any kind of confirmation either way right now could feel like an ultimatum and may back him into a defensive space of just ending it all totally. Yes, you would get closure, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the most imperative thing for you right now, and I respect that.

At some point, you may need to make a decision if what he can give is enough, as it doesn’t sound like you have faith that he will ever be able to give more. Maybe that’s enough for you, maybe it’s not. Maybe as you grow and heal in your own life, things will shift in that arena as well.

But for now, I agree that your best plan is to just focus on your growth and healing, and develop deep self care practices. Become stronger in who you are and what you want in life, so that way when he does come around, or even if he doesn’t, you will be equipped to handle whatever life is throwing at you.

In the meantime, know that we are here for you, and please do keep in touch!

Best wishes,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Rhonda,

How are you? Getting closer to holiday time, you must be happy about that! Glad to hear that things are going well in your work life. That’s a good thing! And yes, I think that there is actually a way to transfer some of that to your personal life, if nothing else than with the attitude of it all.
I mean, why is it that people like you so much at work? What are some of the unique qualities that you bring to the workplace? I’m sure that many of those skills and traits that are transferrable into your personal connections. It seems that you’re very likeable, helpful, nurturing, etc. You have many amazing characteristics that make you a fantastic partner, and I think we all know what the issue is with why you’re not finding someone.

Really it comes down to location. You’re not living where you want to be. How can you find someone there if that’s where you want to be? You have one foot out the door, and then when you’re back where you want to be, you know you have to leave again shortly. So realistically, you are not actually open to dating, despite you thinking that you are. That’s my assessment!

In terms of all of the “old men matches”, I will keep on saying it….date younger! You’re vibrant and active, no matter what your age is. Dating a man 10 years younger is going to be a much better fit for you. You will share more interests, activities, energy levels, and more. No one is saying that you need to date a man your age or older, are they? You are the creator of your own destiny, a woman in her power. You do you, however you feel inclined to do so!

I’m sure that will bring in more positive results 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Thanks for sharing more. It does sound like he definitely has avoidant tendencies that have gone into overdrive with the illness potentially coming back into his life, and all the challenges that we’ve been discussing related to that. As you mentioned, he’s not actively working on any of that, and unfortunately it seems like his current state is not inspiring him to try and work more towards healing and opening up to the beautiful situation that he could be exploring with you, but rather he is pulling more inward, and letting his fear and trauma take over. ​

It’s often the case with avoidant men that they come on strong in the beginning, and they really think that they can change, and that this time will be different, that they will be more open, that they are learning and growing. But of course, a setback further exacerbates the situation, so even if he was thinking that he could change, and would if he was given enough time with someone like you who wanted to be in it for the long haul with him, this added layer of strife is not helping.

I do agree that he cares for you, and that none of this is at all indicative of your worth or benefit to him, but as you know, he has to do the work. He can’t only say that he has to do better, he has to actually do better, or else he will lose you. I don’t think that he wants that so maybe now is the time for the “come to Jesus” moment.

Now just to be clear, it’s not about giving ultimatums because I don’t really believe in those, but it is about speaking up for your wants and needs, and letting someone know plain and simple, that if they want your love and support, this is what needs to happen.
You have been very kind and compassionate, patient and caring. You don’t have to continue to be out there, just waiting for him to decide that he’s ready to reach out. You deserve the opportunity to move on with your life if he’s unwilling to make the positive changes yha he needs to in order to open up to you.

So I would say something to him expressing where you’re at and what you need. And let him know that if he can’t do that, it’s ok, but that you will need to move on from your connection with him.
You can still be kind, and make sure to let him know that you’re not leaving him, he’s leaving you.
Maybe this will get through to him.

If not, it’s time to walk away. But maybe giving him this one last chance to do things differently this time around will help.

Thoughts?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Thanks for writing and letting us know how things are going in your world! It sounds like it’s been difficult because Matt is still not willing to explore things with you, bu its positive that he is communicating with you, as well as considering therapy.

As much as I would never advise you to wait around on anyway, I do understand that you are still hoping that something will come of all of this, and you still have hope that you can work things out. I’m wondering if you communicated any of this at all to him recently?

I’m also wondering if it might make sense to ask him point blank what he wants as he sounds pretty confused. I mean, why is he still contacting you? It sounds to me like he does care. But he needs to figure it out because there’s no reason for you to be kept in limbo.

So I’d reach out and see if you can set up a time to meet and talk in person, as it’s been a little bit now. And then I’d make a few key points.

1. You care about him, miss him, and know that the 2 of you had really great potential for a wonderful, long term relationship.
2. You understand that he has some issues to work through, and you would like to see him addressing those so he can have a happy life.
3. You would like to support him, but you will only wait so long. It’s not fair to you. You are ready for a real relationship, and if he isn’t able to be there with you, you will open yourself up to meet someone who is.

Hopefully some of these talking points can be a good place to initiate a dialogue that can bring about some healing. I always believe in honesty and transparency. Life is short and we have nothing to gain and everything to lose by being coy and not letting others know our true feelings. Yes, it can sometimes hurt to express something when the other person doesn’t reciprocate in kind, but you never know until you try.

And as long as you know within yourself that you are good and deserving of love, there are no limits on what you can do!

Keep me in the loop,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

So I just wanted to respond to what you said about I just wish I had better peace knowing for sure what was happening with him.

Now obviously I’m not him, so this is technically conjecture but to me it seems very obvious what is going on here.
He’s afraid, terrified in fact. He’s afraid of being ill and not being the caring provider that he’s has been. He’s afraid of not being fun, or lighthearted. He’s terrified of being weak, and having to rely on someone else. He’s afraid of rejection, opening his heart to someone and being left if things get really bad. He’s afraid of losing who he is to his sickness, and to share that with someone…well that’s enough to leave someone panic stricken, which it sounds like he is.

So there are a good bunch of reasons why he is cutting you out. None of them have anything to do with you personally, or what a good person and girlfriend you are, or what a loving support you could be for him. These all have to do with him.

But there is something that I was wondering…it sounds like you’ve said that he did the same thing last year when he went to Florida. is that true? And he wasn’t sick at that time? If that’s the case, it’s indicative of an even larger problem than just that he’s sick and not able to open up. It means that regardless of what’s happening in his life, at a certain point he’s going to retreat. If that’s the case, then we can’t cut him too much slack around his illness, we have to look at the reality of who he is, sick or healthy.

Because if that man is someone who will just pull away whenever he feels like it, then you really have to examine if that’s who you want in your life, and if you want to spend time getting close to someone who will abandon you at the drop of a hat whenever they feel like it. It doesn’t sound like a good match for a healthy relationship either way.

But as I said, I’m not 100% sure that is the case, so please fill me in before I go off on too much of a tangent 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

How are things going? I want to check in with you and see how your healing process is going…I know that it’s so difficult to let someone go, especially when it seems like there is no reason for it, and it’s purely based on the other person not being able to give up their fear and give in to the possibilities. To be honest, I don’t think that there’s any right or wrong way to grieve. It’s a very personal thing and is based on what is going to help you in the process.

I am personally very woo, and so like to ritualize experiences as much as possible, and that helps me to heal and move on. So even if you can’t talk with him directly, I would do a ritual of some kind with the pictures, where you said all of he things that you’d want to say to him, and then maybe pack them away. I’m not a fan of burning things, because sometimes pictures are all that you have left and memories are too precious to me, but putting them out of sight, but with having some kind of release first, feels good to me. Does that resonate?

I also like the concept behind the video that you’re talking about, it appeals to my masculine side, lol! It’s very rational and head based, not very heart centric. But sometimes that’s what you need. Being able to look at the reality of something as opposed to just the fantasy that we’ve created around it can be very helpful. I always think big and focus on what could be, or could have been, and I’m always reminded to look at what is, or was. It is a useful tactic for sure.

As long as you allow yourself the emotion of it all, and don’t be afraid to let yourself have as many good cries as you need to, I’m all for it! And for whatever works, as I said from the beginning.

Whatever happens, we are here to support you, and send you love and care for your tender heart.
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Vera,

Thanks for your question and welcome to the forum! Yes, it is often the case that when people have sex early on in the relationship, it creates an intimacy that is not yet there, because you don’t really know the person. And since you don’t know them that well, it makes sense that they are not ready for “the next step”. And I’m assuming the next step is a committed and monogamous relationship?

Either way, it sounds like the two of you are remaining in contact and getting to know each other, which is essentially the real next step after jumping into a sexual situation. The more time you take in getting acquainted, the more of a solid foundation you will build, and be able to determine if you are meant for a long term relationship with each other.

While you are talking everyday, are you still meeting in person and having great sex? Are you seeing other people? Is he?

Look forward to hearing more!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Yi,

Glad to hear that Heidi’s points touched you! She is rather insightful 😀

While it’s understandable that someone would be upset about having an STD,it’s definitely not something that you should feel too bad about.
BV is not even considered a sexually transmitted disease but is something that can come from having sex, mostly just because of the imbalance of bacteria in the vagina, which gets disrupted by sexual intercourse. So if we look at it that way, he actually could have been the cause of you having BV, not the other way around!

But at this point, it’s not as important as who gave it to who, as to how it is handled from here on out. While I wouldn’t say that he’s a bad person or that his response indicates a huge, bright red flag, it definitely would be a yellow at best in my mind, and seems indicative of someone who is not extremely mature or in touch with their feelings.

That’s also obvious from the conversation regarding his ex. To say that he’s not jealous but he just walked away when he heard that she cheated, is blaringly off. If you weren’t jealous, why not communicate with the person that you’ve been dating? Why would you just break up? That seems to say that he was so devastated by it that he couldn’t even bring himself to see her or have anything to do with her. It doesn’t sound like someone who is not jealous to me…what do you think?

Anyway, all of this points to him not being very emotionally mature, and how will he respond when you run into other challenges? Sounds like he will run away. He’s basically hanging on by a thread with the BV thing. Maybe because there’s something that he’s not telling you? You said that you haven’t slept with anyone else, but how do you know what he’s been up to?

It feels like there is something hat he’s not telling you, and he just doesn’t seem like someone who knows how to be upfront with his feelings. More than anything, that’s the red flag that’s calling out to me!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Miranda,

Thanks for your message and welcome to the forum! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re dealing with this. It’s always so difficult when someone won’t communicate, and it really hurts when they make a promise to not pull away and then do.

Unfortunately, many men are jus not taught how to deal with negative and hurt emotions, and so they go silent instead at looking deeply a what they are doing, or asking and reaching out for help. They will just “deal with it on their own” or simply not deal with it at all. It sounds like he typically doesn’t deal well with his emotions, and if he’s feeling lost and confused about his identity, he may not feel able to be the partner for you that you want and deserve.

How long have you been together? How has your communication been up until recently? Was there anything in particular that happened that you can point to as potentially causing him to start pulling away?

You said, “what if he’s with another girl”, which makes me wonder…why do you think that would be the case? Has he cheated on you in the past? Is there some other reason what you’d think that he was being unfaithful as opposed to just being unhappy in his own life?

Looking forward to hearing back from you,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for sharing more details! Unfortunately the honest truth is that you just really don’t know each other well enough, because you haven’t had much daily interaction. There is something very different between seeing someone every 6 months for 3-4 weeks, and being with them 24/7 in a committed marriage situation. Most of the time, I wouldn’t recommend that anyone even move in together until they’ve been in a relationship for at least 6+ months, and marriage not until after 2 years. it really does take that much time to get to know someone. You just can’t fastrack that kind of connection. When you do, you are asking for disaster…

You ask if there is any hope, but I think the real question is more about if this is really the guy for you. Is this really the person that you wan to fight for? What do you like about him as a person? How do you feel when you are with him? What do you get our of being with him? How does your connection with him enhance your life?

Asking yourself these questions will give us more insight into whether or not he’s really the person that you think he is, and if you want to move forward with trying to have him in your life.

Make sense?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Well I must say that you are making a very wise choice, even though it’s so difficult to do so. At the end of the day, you need to take care of your own heart and well being. As much as you care about him, and as much as he is going through a hard time, there is only so much that you can do to be understanding. If he just won’t let you in, you can’t break down the door trying to gain entry.

You’re a grown woman and he’s a grown man. At a certain point he needs to make the decision if he’s going to allow this time to be different, and be grateful that he has someone who is willing to stick with him during this tough time, or if he’s going to throw it all away because of his fear. Life is short in general, and when you’re staring down the barrel of illness, it is even that much more uncertain. It’s too bad that he’s not willing to live everyday like it’s his last, but if he’s not going to, there’s not much more that you can do. I certainly think that you gave it your all.

Beautiful, sweet, kind, and compassionate letter. This man is very blessed to have met you, and even if it’s only to have received and shared in the love that you did for that short amount of time, it’s still worth multitudes.

In the meantime, take care of you. What are some things that you can do for yourself in the coming days, weeks, and months to ensure that you are feeling good about life and what you’re up to? You mentioned childhood abandonment issues, and what you’re experiencing is strenuous, don’t deny yourself that. And don’t deny yourself the care and comfort that you were offering up to him. You deserve it tenfold!

You made a strong choice, but not an easy one, and I want to make sure that you are treating yourself with kid gloves, and all of the kindness and compassion that you deserve.

Lots of love,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Helena,

That is true, and of course men or nobody is perfect anyway. However, you can find someone that is perfect for you, and that is dependent upon many things.

How you got into the relationship in the first place…did you “fall in love” and just end up together, or did you make a conscious choice based on similar desires, interests, etc?

The health of your relationship:
As Heidi asked…how happy were you together? Did you fight? Did you have the same goals in life?

Just being in a relationship with someone does not mean that its at all the right situation or that it will last. You need compatibility in many areas to really sustain a healthy long term relationship.

Can you elaborate more on how things were with you so that way we can help you navigate?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mary,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story! It certainly can feel devastating when something feels like it just changes like that, especially when you’ve had so little time to actually work on it. I can understand feeling really down about it.

So before we determine if there’s hope for you all, I’d appreciate if you could provide more clarifying ingo. I guess what I’m wondering if how much time you’ve actually spent together with your husband in the years that you’ve known each other. How and where did you meet?

You say that you were long distance for two years before getting married, and then continued to be long distance for another year? I guess i’m just wondering when you actually had time to be together and to get to know each other on a deep and intimate level…

If almost all of the time that you’ve been with each other has had a level of “vacation” or being away from your normal lives, it’s hard to say that you really actually knew each other. And so when you finally did get together, you had to learn about who the other person really was, and how was that experience?
It seems like a lot of pressure to suddenly be living with a spouse who you have had so little contact with for years on end.

Correct me if I’m interpreting this wrong, but that’s how it’s sounding to me.

Looking forward to learning more,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

That’s funny! Why would you think that I’m a man?! I will admit that I am a very strong and assertive woman who has never felt like they have to subscribe to traditional gender norms, especially when it comes to relationships. I am definitely very emotional and sentimental, but I don’t buy into the whole “men are from mars, women are from venus” thing. I find that to be just something that is ingrained in people, but has very little to do with biology.
I do believe in rational thought, which at time has had people peg me as more masculine, and this isn’t the first time I’ve been mistaken for a man through an online forum!
But I’m still curious as to what made you in particular think that.

I just want to say how deeply I feel for you in this. It’s just the worst to watch someone that you love go through illness. And as mortal humans, there’s nothing that any of us can do. It’s so devastating. I am a very proactive person (maybe that’s the masculine side again!) and very solution oriented. It has been difficult for me as well when there are issues of life, birth, and death that I just can’t solve.

I’m just so sorry for your pain, and for his diagnosis and the suffering he is going through. You must be so on edge waiting for the phone calls, hanging on hoping for good news. But it also sounds like all hope is not lost and that there is potentially good news, yes? He has not been told that the cancer is back for sure, has he?
I know it’s hard to remember and maybe it can sound trite when you’re in a situation like this, but there is still hope and potential for healing and wellness. Of course it’s mired in fear, but you must keep holding on to that, even if he can’t.

I agree that he’s likely not in a place right now where he can take stock of your feelings and do anything different than what he’s doing, so while it would be nice to let him know what’s going on for you, my fear is that it could cause him to feel more pressured, and pull away more.

I would only suggest that you keep reaching out, and also look into support. But in reality, you can’t continue on like this forever, and at some point you may need to let go, and move on with your life. If he goes to Florida for a few months, where will that leave your relationship? I would hate to see you hanging on for something that may unfortunately no longer be the thing that it once was.

But that’s not necessarily where you are yet. For now, let’s keep praying to Papa (I love that as I called my own father Papa, who is now passed. He is the main person in my life that I watched suffering before he died, so it resonates with me) and keeping your love in your mind’s eye as healthy and well.

Sending so much love,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

So a lot of women write into this forum because they are with men who they are not sure want to be with them. From reading your emails, I definitely don’t think that’s the case at all. As a matter of fact, I think that he desperately wants to be with you but is terrified, and legitimately so.

After all, dealing with an intense diagnosis like this is never easy, and being that he has a history of being left by his wife when being in one of the most spots of his life…well he’s nervous to rely on anyone he cares about.

Your relationship is also not that old and hasn’t withstood the test of time. It’s obvious that he is pulling away to not overwhelm and scare you away. And despite whatever you tell him, he is not secure in the fact that you want to stay, and that you will stay as things progress.

So I think what you’re focusing on is great. Continuing to reach out and be there for him. And yes, letting him know what your needs are. Let him know that you’re not going anywhere, but these are some things that you need in the situation.

Like you want to be able to be more involved, to be a part of his appointments, to be there for him and with him. Acknowledge that you know that he must be terrified in general, and terrified that you will leave him. Comfort him with the fact that you’re not going anywhere, but being open about what you need to feel ok in the relationship.

Let us know how it all goes!
xoxo
Spyce

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