[Rebecca A]

So he contacted last night. As I thought, it was light, talked of how busy he is and that they remain busy this weekend then hope to be quieter. Asking if I’m ok.

I haven’t replied yet. When I do it’ll be in the morning and I plan on putting something equally light, acknowledging the business in a light manner and wishing him good luck with it, and that’ll be all really. Thoughts?

[Rebecca A]

It really depends on the type of person you are. If you would feel satisfaction from confronting him then do it.
He is likely to make light of it or deny it. How would you manage that?

[Rebecca A]

So he didn’t contact last night after saying work is busy in the morning and he’ll be in touch later.
It’s now the next day! I can’t help but feel what happened The other night and getting close, holding hands, talking and sleeping in the same bed/making out has now brought the outcome that he’s avoiding me. This said I know from his reactions and all he said that night that he is finding this difficult too so I wouldn’t say he’s avoiding due to not caring at all. Rather, yet again, because he’s really done and better at that than me.

My male friend said give him time before I conclude anything. Don’t put my expectations or what I’d do if a set of circumstances were put before me. He may need time to think and process all that happened and all that was said. That he will contact, but I need to leave it to see when he does and what he says.

My prediction is he will at some point send something light if I don’t contact, and it won’t have anything to do with anything other than how are you doing 🙄

[Rebecca A]

Hi Heidi

Something amiss regarding going to therapy and him not believing it will help sure, could be, but equally could be he’s thinking I’ve tried all of these things and been so open and honest with her yet things are still so bad she needs therapy.

I know that a supportive partner is supposed to give that support in such things, and yes he did too as when I started we were together and he’s ring after my first couple of sessions and ask how it went but equally he’s a fairly simple man about such things, and I truly feel he just thinks it won’t change and that talk that altered his thoughts and perhaps feelings, with the nonsense I said to him within it about being friends etc.

I’m also online I have to say, for distraction in an attempt to get him off my mind so much. It isn’t working out so well.

Anyway we still haven’t had contact beyond me messaging I’m thinking of him and whatever the outcome, we’ll be fine, and him responding saying work is crazy and he’ll contact later. Well here we are in the W evening so I’m not holding out huge hope.

You make some excellent points about him not coping in healthy ways either btw- sure has made me think those points

[Rebecca A]

Hi Heidi and thank you- that really does make sense! In fact Im going to write a mantra about trusting myself!
Yes I’m currently in therapy. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t think people can change or heal as such- I simply think he reached hims point of thinking omg she won’t ever trust me and that won’t change. I don’t think he can see past that. I feel like he views me differently- like my bubble burst for him over this.

We exchanged how was your day texts yesterday. Nothing more and those were initiated by me. Nothing today so far and it’s the evening now. I’m now leaving it to see if he contacts. He definitely is throwing himself into work right now as he told me it helps, and doesn’t engage in important conversation over text. So I guess I just leave it and see? What can I do to influence his thoughts here?
He’s online dating again and I’m afraid he’ll find someone else to distract him like his work is doing and he’ll move further away from me. This isn’t a guy who’s scared of commitment- he was married for a decade and ten was with the ex for two and half years, having got back with her after 18 months. He said they shouldn’t have done so and should have been friends instead and wonder if that influences him about him and me… like another reason to think it would be a mistake to get together. He just doesn’t feel the man I thought I knew. He isn’t happy I could tell that much on Sunday.

[Rebecca A]

Hi and thank you so much for your time in replying, Kanya.

I’m not totally sure how he feels about therapy, but I got the feeling that he felt it was an indication of us not working and he definitely feels I will never trust him due to my past and there’s nothing he can do to amend this.

We met last night. I sent a text saying did he wonder if us splitting was a mistake. He always says important conversation shouldn’t be over text, so initially said he’d call later then change this to invite me for a drink out.

I went, and I was upset so he said let’s pop back to his as he didn’t want me upset in public. I ended up staying over. It was all confusing. We talked initially, and the lack of ever feeling I’d trust him is clearly huge. He said he loves me very much and is hard for him too, that I was the major part of his life and he thought I was it for him. But again said he isn’t in love with me anymore. I was playful and said yes you are you just don’t know it, the first thing has rightfully affected it. I said I wanted to trust him and should have, and I don’t want any other man to ever say that to me again (men have said it before and I told him that on that Monday talk too)
He feels hopeless that it would Change is what I feel, and therefore there’s no hope of bringing back that in love and hopeful feeling for him, that’s what my feeling is.

We then ended up watching TV cuddling and him holding my hand. We then slept in the same bed… it got heated but we didn’t have sex and I said I wouldn’t as I don’t do causal.

He’s back on line as am I. He wants to be in a loving committed relationship and I don’t think he sees that with me now.

I said should we maybe go on a date, and he’s agreed this. I instantly started saying is it really what you want though and he was frustrated as I was second guessing it again.

We cuddled all night after the frisky bit died down, and he kissed me goodbye on the mouth ( not passionate but the sort we’d used to do when saying goodbye) and left for work

I told him I trusted him, that I must make a change to believe in the man I’m with not base it on my past. He said that’s easily said not done though. He said he’s afraid I’ll met someone horrid who confirms all I’m scared of in regard to trust.

I told him I have a date tonight and asked if I should go, he said that’s up to me but to explore. I don’t know what to make of that. It was an odd evening that I didn’t expect yesterday and he isn’t the sort to now say yes let’s take things slow and be exclusive whilst we do that in a matter of hours from start to finish yesterday. He won’t want to lead me on.

With regard to the connection between saying I’m returning to therapy and him not believing I will ever trust him- there was several things to do with his ex that he was quizzed about by me that indicated I didn’t trust him, even though there was no evidence to suggest he shouldn’t have been trusted and he grew tired of this. He was very transparent about all of it, and would say I don’t know what else to do to get you to trust me. To then return to therapy I guess he felt god this will never get better I can do no more and she still needs to go to therapy due to not trusting me when I’ve done nothing to be not trusted about.

Is it possible he isn’t in love anymore? I know you say his feelings are guarded by his walls at the moment and I’m hoping that’s still the case.

[Rebecca A]

If u scroll down to the end of the page, there’s the box asking to start a new discussion

[Rebecca A]

Hi. In a similar position…a couple of weeks back my ldr and I had a bit of an argument and he simply ended it, I’m just about to put up a post about it this evening to see what people think… But I wonder in regard to your situation, did you guys argue much? Had you finished before either of you? Why do you call it a rebound relationship? You were together two years… Not just a relationship rather than a rebound? I don’t think there was anything wrong with your text- he ended it two days before Xmas… You showed him that actually you trust his decision and his reasons and respect it, and refusing to emotionally unpack it at that point due to timing.
The fact he hasn’t been in contact further really more says its because its really over… However though responded – and three was nothing wrong with your response – he dumped you, it was he who needed to approach you to reconcile and he hadn’t done so.

[Rebecca A]

I agree with krystina- how long have you been seeing each other?

[Rebecca A]

Hi. How long has he been separated from his ex for before you started seeing each other?

[Rebecca A]

Brandi I’m hoping you are able to see the post I’ve written you- I didn’t directly push reply button! X

[Rebecca A]

Brandi. From what you have written here this man is a jerk! He isn’t the type of man that the respect principle is for- he sounds selfish and horrid to you! House dare he not let you kiss him unless your having sex, our tell you that you can kids his neck like its some big favour he’s doing you! You are living together?? And this piece of crap wont say you are partners! He I’d abusive from what you write… Please get yourself a real man who cares for you!!

[Rebecca A]

Hi. You aren’t expecting too much at all. His behaviour is unacceptable. Its all his way! Five years! He is hidding you and having what he wants in his neat and tidy life however he pleases. This clearly isn’t enough for you, and why should it be! You are so much younger than him- please get someone who values you and wants you totally in their life!

[Rebecca A]

Hi. Your heart must ache so much this year….i am so sorry you are going through this.
It sounds to me that he may not be telling you the full reasons for his changing his mind and backing off here….some of it will have to do with his fear, sure, but really you guys are so far away from each other! How would it work really? And I am concerned that losing your husband and the stages of loss are impacting on what you are now going through with this loss too…how are you today? X

[Rebecca A]

I feel your pain here….it hurts like hell !

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