[Rebecca A]

I love this suggestion- I will do it today. Yes is the answer to your question about writing the future. That is why.
We have sort of made our peace. I’ve reached out and apologised for my part in pushing the text conversation, which he didn’t want to have. He’s been light (this is after me saying I think it best we don’t see each other again and him getting angry and agreeing within the text conversation two days back now)
We are due to see each other for my birthday thing in a couple of days. I feel like I’d rather be friends than not have contact ? Trying to not write the story of his or my future as you’ve identified?

[Rebecca A]

So the texts went on and they didn’t go well. I ended up saying let’s take time to cool off which he agreed.
This is awful

[Rebecca A]

So I’m back, and in immense pain today. I’ve cried all day long actually.

So he’s been away with his family for Christmas. He’s messaged over the holidays and I’ve sat in hope still I guess and read more into the contacts than there was.
Last night I had someone tell me that when we were appart the first time, he’d asked them out and they had kissed. I told him today about this, and he said he didn’t go through with the date. We were appart at the time so I guess I’ve nothing to be unhappy about from a partner view. However again I asked if he’s seeing anyone and again he said no and he truly can’t be bothered with being with anyone, he needs time on his own to concentrate on his mind body and finances.
He didn’t want to talk lots over text but said he’s happy to speak in person. Wants to take me out for dinner and film for my birthday. I’ve said I’ll do the film only, as I think I need to say goodbye to him and that seems a nice way to do it. He said there’s nothing for him to say to that, and I’ve said maybe he could do the meal in six months. Which was weak me I know.
I have been living in hope, and he’s consistently saying he isn’t doing relationships now. Of o hang around I’ll just be the ex and see his life transform and move on with someone else. He’ll have the comfort of me being there through it and be able to find someone else and ease off me. I said I feel like his ex must have a year ago. He said he’d rather talk in person and no more texts as well both get upset. I said I love him, he said he loves me too, I said I’m in love with him and said to behave with a smiley emoji. I said I won’t say it ever again as this is all too painful. Then I went on about the saying goodbye stuff

How do I stay strong? How do I go through with never seeing him again? Is this the right thing or should I not be so hasty?

[Rebecca A]

Also when we split the first time and now this time, we haven’t contacted daily. I’ve wanted to, but haven’t. We will have almost a week between contacts. It doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted to contact or wanted to hear from him. When we’ve contacted it’s been polite and surface stuff. Doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted to be deeper in that context. It also doesn’t mean I am optimistic we’ll work if we got back together but it doesn’t stop me wanting it. Why can’t he be where he is thinking and feeling and acting the same? Simply not sharing it with me in the same way as I’m not sharing or being honest with how I really feel with him, rather keeping to to hey how are you, I’m good kind of talk.
Why can it not be that the other night we were simply honest for the first time? Then back to this surface stuff. You say not to write a story around actions which I’m prone to do. I thought I did well not to write a negative one around the other night but now have t he one you think happened there.

[Rebecca A]

Hi. It sounds like what you’re saying is he doesn’t have the feelings a man who loves a woman has, and he’s just using me. Not intentionally. But for his own ends I’m the moment.
I thought there might be the possibility that he had an awareness of how his behaviours of pulling back and shutting out those close to him hurt them, such as me, and that our closeness the other night was about it being hard for him too, that he might be torn as I am, in loving someone but knowing long term it won’t work as he messes up with his distancing and shutting out which is his default.
I hadn’t considered he was using me for a fix. I felt we connected. I expected him to do what he has done which is go back to surface chat of no real consequence.
He doesn’t want to move things forward again, which I know is likely right as he’s not a changed man and hasn’t had enough time for that on his own. He’ll be aware nothing will change and I won’t be able to accept what he does in distancing if we had another go, but I didn’t think his motives were what you’ve said. I feel dreadful with all of this

[Rebecca A]

I agree about the intimate with someone and legitimately saying isn’t seeing anyone, as it isn’t a relationship and he’s clear he doesn’t want one right now whilst he focuses on himself. I don’t have any say around if he sleeps with anyone as I wouldn’t ask nor is he doing anything wrong if he is.

He didn’t try to get intimate with me, not at all, and I believe him when he spontaneously kissed me and said he loved me and always will as he had no reason to say it for any gain. Sex was never on the table, and I know this sounds corny, I think he would not have tried out of respect as we aren’t together.

He’s a lot of working through to do. I think I’ll step right back. It’s hard because I think our connection and relaxed evening and night took us both by surprise, and I don’t think he had anything to gain from it where as before he was very careful with not showing anything but friendship vibe, no touching when out etc this time I noted he held doors open and touched my back and arm several times throughout the evening like he would when we were together. That was not present when we met after we split.

There was a couple of other things I noticed he did,like standing very close to me when we were looking at something together. However irrespective of this, he is being clear isn’t he- he isn’t looking to be in a relationship as he says this is what he does,he gets like this and pushes people away. I think maybe he just enjoyed the evening as I did. And things naturally felt easy.

He is apparently taking me out for my birthday for a meal, so we’ll see if that happens.

It’s hard as for me when we are not in contact it’s becomes easier as the days go on, so it must be the same for him. It’s hard to know how much contact is right to ensure he doesn’t forget that feeling I still bring him, and being absent enough for him to miss me.

He’s a poorly close relative at the moment whom I want to know is ok, so what to do? I messaged today and he let me know in detail how she is. Do I text tomorrow? I would text daily to ask any friend, so do I text just about it that’s all?

[Rebecca A]

I wanted to update and get views.

So we hadn’t seen each other for nearly a month, and just a bit of how are you contact every 5-6 days.

We went to the same social event this weekend. I felt much more relaxed around him and he seemed in a relaxed place. I stayed at his again, but it was different to last time where it felt awkward. We again slept in his bed. This time though, we cuddled all night. He didn’t try anything beyond us both being a little flirty, but like I say it felt relaxed and intimate in our cuddle throughout the night. He kissed me on the mouth and said that he loved me and always will.

I asked if he missed me, and he said of course I do. He said again he needs to be on his own, and focus on himself and said he does this (pulling back and shutting everyone out) when his head is where it’s at.

We talked today on the phone and I said it was lovely to have a moment like we did, and later when we text I said I felt more relaxed then I had for some time with him, to which he replied with kisses.

He had a certain number of condoms in his toiletry bag since we’ve split, and I noticed one has now gone. I don’t want to jump to conclusion as it might just be in his wallet maybe as opurtunistic maybe but where they are was left unzipped, which looked rushed to me? So looks like he’s had sex with someone else which I know I’ve no right to be upset about since we aren’t together, but I am.

He is clear he isn’t seeing anyone saying he will stay on his own. I didn’t ask if he’d slept with anyone as it’s not my business.

I did say to him I’d like to learn more about his pull back and shutting others out and he looked a bit anxious about it like it was odd I asked. The conversation didn’t go further into it.

What do you think about his statements and kiss? And should I care if he has sex ?

I know he needs way more time.

[Rebecca A]

Before the conversation what should I be doing? I know the information can read more than friendship, but friendship is the only feeling I’m getting. He doesn’t gentle touchy arm or anything, no prolonged eye contact, no flirting. We only have text contact around every four or five days. We have two more social things, maybe three in December. Given he says he wants time to himself as he’s always been in relationships and wants to focus on himself, so I keep my contact to a minimum? And what do you make of the texts about missing ? He usually doesn’t respond to such things from me when we’ve been split before.

Ladies how do I manage this? I don’t want to make a fool of myself.

[Rebecca A]

Hi Heidi. Thank you as ever. I totally understand what you’re saying. I think he does those things yes, staying at his in his bed, him moving to sit next to me etc. But it’s a total total friend vibe at all times. Like not even a flirt when I’ve a bit enabled it. Nothing! He’s spent most of the night directly speaking with me, but like friends totally and surface stuff.

I’ve messaged him since. I’ve said I’m having a hard day and missing him. He’s responded ah yes, that happens and several kisses. I’ve responded a teary emoji and he’s put a hugging one in response. Surely that gives him a bit of a sign? I think he’s reacted warmly to what I’ve said.

What I want is a conversation about how he feels or doesn’t anymore, I’m still very attracted to him and want to know if it’s the same.

He was friends with his ex. They split and still lived together for six months when I met him he’d just gotten his own place. They remained close if you remember, so he’s really done this remaining friends bit before so I don’t know what sits where in his actions.

I really like the interpretation of the kiss on the forehead – is automatically thought that’s because he isn’t attracted to me anymore. But you’re right, what else could he do given the boundary I’d put in place?

[Rebecca A]

I’d like thoughts please.

He asked me to join him at a social thing, friends were there too.

I stayed at his. He said are we ok to sleep In the same bed, or should he sleep in the sofa. I said as long as he didn’t touch me the same bed. Tongue in cheek but serious. We slept in the same bed and he didn’t make a move at all. Actually when it came to sleep he ruffled my hair and kissed my forehead?

In the night in his sleep he had an erection which is very usual for him at night and he put my hand on it which again asleep isn’t an unusual thing for him at all when we were together. I woke to this and he was definitely asleep. I wasn’t really bothered as it’s just him and nothing new- which likely sounds odd. I moved my hand away.

I woke once and naturally cuddled into him before realising and moving away.

He left early as he went to work, so left me sleeping.

I’ve teased about the erection thing that things don’t change,via text, and he’s laughed about it.

I guess I’m feeling he’s still only giving a friend vibe? It’s like he’s just switched to friend only! We sat apart at the function – or rather I sat away from him, and he then purposefully moved next to me later and stayed there all night.

I’m only getting a friend vibe and it’s driving me insane!! I feel like he just doesn’t see me as attractive anymore at all – just as a friend. Is there no attraction at all?

[Rebecca A]

Today is a year since we met. It’s not been a hard day. Most of the day I’ve not thought about it.

I wonder if he’s remembered the date. I wonder if he’s relieved and 100 sure this is right or if he wonders sometimes and misses me.

He cancelled on arrangements to meet- which were his suggestion- this week as something come up. We’ve had little contact. Couple of texts when he cancelled, nothing more than hey no worries! Really. I feel very strongly I won’t contact him. He will at some point contact I guess but I’m not sitting looking at my phone. It feels different to my usual obsessional spiral I fall into for this past week or so. Like it’s I’m starting to accept it. I would still be beside myself if I knew he was with someone though

[Rebecca A]

I do very much like what you are saying here. I guess my worry and anxiety is he was friends with his ex if you remember, and for months before I showed up they lived together and still did things together as if they were a couple, but weren’t. He’d support her in her her acting auditions by going with her etc. I don’t want to be that girl who sits along side him if he then totally shifts me into friend zone forever more. Like it was easier to split for him with his friendship arrangement with her, and is that what’s happening here.

My friend said I should disappear from his life. That if he misses me he’ll contact. That if I hang around in a new supportive friend role that he’ll never see me romantically but I’ll help him feel better then move on to someone else.

I am scared of that, I am scared someone will be more important to him than me.

I’m the mean time I believe I’ve done really well not showing him anything but an acceptance it’s over and a willingness to be friends. So I haven’t been needy or anything else that would give him any impression.

Funny you should say about the not flirting. I actually did a little via text last week and he didn’t follow it through. When we met in person he actually initiated a little – making an innuendo about our sex life, and I playful said something insinuating it wasn’t that big a deal, so I thought that interesting.

You definitely don’t suggest I disappear?

[Rebecca A]

Thanks. Yes it does make sense. I’m worried he’ll have me around him, then when the time comes that he’s ready to have a partner again I won’t be considered, as hell solely see me as this friend by then.

So occasional as in how often do you think? And texting? I was thinking I would try not to initiate? Or maybe at least make it 50/50 . I’ll see him next week at his suggestion. Then I may not see him for three weeks maybe when we have the same function to go to. Leave that three weeks?

[Rebecca A]

Ladies I again need some help please.

So since my last post, I’ve been continuing to have waves of missing him and feeling the pain, and thinking remember why we didn’t work and muddling through. It’s been a month since we split.

In the time he’s been away, and has been back two weeks now. We’ve had a bit of contact, nothing major.

We’ve agreed to have a friendship which will be the occasional meet up and do something type thing too. I guess we are having a couple of texts a couple of times a week, but they aren’t satisfying to me – nothing meaningful that I wouldn’t accept or send to a superficial friend who didn’t mean anything to me.

He came over last night to repair something for me and we ate together and talked. But not at all about us.

He seemed in a much better place than when we saw each other last and split. He talked of how he’s concentrating on himself. Gave lots of examples. Said he’s gone from relationship to relationship and even between them was concentrating on where to find the next one rather than himself. There was no romantic connection from him to me, and I was careful with how I was towards him to not display anything either.

We didn’t talk at all about our relationship other than for me to say he was hard to be with: he was all in then all out then all in. That he was irritated with me at time to the point I thought I just won’t say anything, and I also said that he’s been through a lot in the past few years and what that was.

So he’s suggested I go to his am evening next week and we eat together and watch a film, as friends.

I am attracted to this new guy and how he’s viewing things and standing still. And I can’t help but think if he can sustain this, I would want more with him again.

What do I do. Flirt with. Him? Take it slow? Or disappear for a while? We are attending a function together in the middle of December so I will see him in a month

Is it best to stay in the life of someone you’d like to possibly have a future with or disappear? He isn’t dating nor looking T dating but equally gave an honest vibe that this isn’t about anything but himself

[Rebecca A]

I’ve noticed I’ve been a bit irritable too. And tonight I sudden felt in pain, and wept a little, quite intensely. Does it sound odd to say I was relieved? I’ve been waiting for a change in how I’m feeling, and worried about it along with being worried how I can just feel relieved and ready to move forward on my own. So I’ve had a bit of a cry, of intense missing him. And now it’s settled again.
It would be the easiest thing to message him. He’d respond and we’d chat a little, but what’s the point? It may even leave me feeling worse.

I think I feel confused that he hasn’t said anything more to check if I was traveling with him. We were due to go away this weekend, and he had said we could both still go and just not spend all our time together. It isn’t something I would agree to, I’m just surprised he hasn’t contacted to ask about it.
I don’t know what is happening for him- what he’s thinking or feeling, if he’s finding it hard or if he’s just glad it’s done. Last time he told me it was hard for him, but he deals with it by himself so no one would know, least of all me as we had separated.

Anyway, let’s see what tomorrow brings. I’ve some nice plans with my children.

[Author]

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